Four Years Later, Still Talking to You

Charlie, my love,

It’s been four years since I last wrote to you like this.

Not because I didn’t have anything to say… but because I’ve been saying it to you all along—just in pieces. In texts. In quiet moments. In my head while driving down the road or laying in bed at night.

I guess I never really stopped talking to you.

Sometimes it was just simple:

“I miss you so much.”

Other times… it was everything all at once:

“Hey baby - just an update. I managed to get through another anniversary and birthday since you’ve been gone. I took off work this weekend to dwell on you.”

The girls are grown now, Charlie. They’re working. Finding their way. I know you’d have thoughts about that… probably a few strong opinions too.  But ultimately, I think you'd be proud of them.

And me…

I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with myself without you here to steady me.

“I could use your advice. I’m quitting the massage thing and trying to find me a job in the plants. I finished my CSST and OSHA courses so I’m itching to get started.”

That was me - standing at the edge of something new, scared and determined all at once.

And then life kept doing what it does best… not waiting.

“I have good news and bad news. Since you’ve been gone, I developed a little spot on my left lung. The doctors have been watching it… and unfortunately it has grown. I have no symptoms, but I am concerned.”

I didn’t have you to sit across from. No steady voice. No “we’ll handle it.” Just me… trying to be brave.  Fortunately, it turned out to be nothing, but in that moment, it sure didn't feel like nothing.

And then, right alongside the fear -

“I think I may be starting a new job soon. I’ll be working in Laurel, Mississippi for five weeks at a time. I’m very excited about this opportunity and can’t wait to get started. I wish you were here so I could share all this with you. I know you would be excited for me.” (This also didn't turn out as expected.)

That’s been the pattern, Charlie.

Hard things.
Good things.
All tangled up together.

And then… the kind of moment that would’ve sent me straight into your arms -

“And not one hour after I sent you this - our baby girl was in a bad car wreck!”

She’s okay. Bruised. Shaken. Learning about grown-up problems now - insurance, banks, responsibility. You would’ve handled that situation so much better than I did… but I did the best I could.

I always do.

There are moments I wish you could see me now.

“You know a year ago, I finally decided to go into safety. I had to harness up and climb a 30-foot ladder straight up. I was shaking like a leaf on a windy day… but I DID IT!”

I wanted you there for that so bad.
I wanted to hear you say you were proud of me.

“I got a job! I start at Shintech on Thursday! I’m so excited and scared at the same time. I wish you were here for me to tell you all about it… or to give me advice about the plant.”

That was a turning point, Charlie. The beginning of something I never saw coming for myself.

And in between all of it… the quiet, aching moments never really left.

“I was sleeping and I heard your voice so clear. Even after I woke up, it took me a second or two to remember you are not here anymore.”

That one… still gets me.

And then there’s the real-life stuff - the kind you would’ve taken the lead on without hesitation. That’s been one of the hardest parts. Not just missing you… but missing your presence in the middle of decisions that matter.

I’ve had to grow in ways I didn’t ask for.

I’ve had to stand on my own in places I never thought I would.

And somewhere along the way… I did.

Not perfectly.
Not gracefully.
But I did it.

And yes… I even tried dating.

Lord help me.

I’ve met a few along the way. Some just passing through, some I thought might be something more - but none of them were you. Not even close.

What I’ve realized is… I’m not just looking for someone to fill space.

I’m looking for what we had.

And I know now - that’s not something you stumble into. That’s something rare.

So here I am, four years later.

Still missing you.
Still talking to you.
Still wishing I could turn and see you sitting there, listening like you always did.

But also…

Stronger than I was.
Braver than I thought I could be.
Still moving forward—whether I feel ready or not.

I hope, wherever you are… you can see me.

And I hope…

you’re proud of me.

Love you always,
Me

2021/04/25 - Adventures in Post Loss Dating

 Dearest Charlie,

I really should start making a post each day from now on.  Putting my thoughts in order and on "paper" ...  I have so many thoughts twirling around in my head right now.  Right now, this post will reflect on some of the adventures in dating that I have had.  Since my last post, I have communicated with quite a few fellas.  Met an Army guy, I'll call him Sarge. We have texted back and forth for quite a bit but he is not interested in a relationship.  Just sex.  Then I met another fella, one I REALLY like and want, Cowboy Dan.  Cowboy Dan and I have also texted back and forth for nearly 4 months.  I have met him face to face 4 or 5 times.  He also is not interested in a relationship.  But if he were, he and I agreed that we would make a fine match.  So, I tossed both Sarge and Cowboy back into the pond.   I have casually been having text conversations with this guy and that guy, and eventually they all reveal they want the same thing ... sex.  I've gotten quite annoyed and disgusted; and have my towel aimed to toss. But, then ... just this week, I met another, Fireman.  

We've talked and texted quite a bit over the past week, and he's been a breathe of fresh air.   Fireman quickly asked me on 3 dates in 4 days!  He wasn't satisfied with talks on the phone, he actually wanted to spend some time with me!  What an odd idea!  

He is more of a talker than a texter (YAY!). As he was out of town for the weekend, he stayed contact, calling to chat between his activities.

Last night he called, we had good conversation, it flowed well, and then he asked me if I would like to accompany him for -

Thurs evening: Dinner date

Saturday evening: Fireman’s Award Banquet

Sun afternoon: Motorcycle ride

So, Thursday evening:

We met up at a local steakhouse where we sat and talked while eating. After dinner, I rode with him in his truck to a little spring carnival not far from the restaurant. We strolled around, holding hands because he has long legs and walks fast and I needed to slow him down. I had already done my cardio for the day! We did not ride any rides, just looked at the bright lights and the little kiddos having fun. Though we had mostly good conversation, his favorite topic seems to be politics and the future state of our country. When I could say something, I tried to redirect and ask how long he’s been a fireman and what inspired him, yada yada. He’s a transplant to my area so I asked about his area too. The only thing I did NOT like is that he isn’t very flirty and he didn’t ask much about me and my life. I was also quiet about myself and did not volunteer. After the stroll, he drove me back to my car and we parted with a hug (no kiss - though I think he expected one) and a quick discussion of plans for Saturday’s awards banquet. He requested that I text him upon my safe arrival at home. This morning - he texted me good morning and wished me a good day.

Saturday's events first: The awards banquet - I opted to drive to his apartment, then rode with him to the banquet. The reason for this was due to location and proximity of the banquet to my residence. The event was on his side of town, so it made no sense for him to come get me, and go all the way back to that side of town, then bring me home.  At the banquet, I was able to observe his interactions with his peers and was pleased with what I saw. He also seemed more relaxed than he did on the Thursday date. We ended the evening with a hug and a "Rest well". Again, he asked me to text him when I got home.

Sunday's motorcycle ride:  Because I play the piano at my church, the ride had to wait until services were over.  I informed him that I had to get back to the church by 5 p.m. for choir rehearsal. We began our ride at 1. He was dressed in his biker gear - i.e. cut with patches for those who know. We stopped at a little Hole-In-The-Wall for a late lunch, where all heads turned when we walked in. I mean, heads turn when bikers enter anyway, but when he's 6'4", well, he naturally gets a little more attention. After eating, we resumed our ride, neither one of us looking at the time. When we did, we realized we were pushing it to get me back to my car etc. He offered to take me to church and hang out while I did my thing, THEN return me to my car.

While at choir rehearsal, we had some sound system issues, and lo and behold, Fireman knows his sound system stuff! He did his thing in the sound booth, and I did mine at the keyboard. By the end of the hour, the church choir and director have adopted him as the newest member of our little family, dubbing him Biker Fireman! The director offered to put him on the Sunday sound system schedule! LOL He politely declined due to other obligations.

When it was time to go, we exited the church, and this church lady (me) donned her helmet, climbed on the back of this Harley behind him, and we roared out of the parking lot with my hands in the air and a loud WooHoo! We got back to his apartment, dismounted, and laughed at the events that transpired. He jokingly said, "The rumors are gonna be flying now and they're gonna have you married to me by tomorrow night!" LOL

We visited and talked a little more, with him now sharing and revealing some more personal stuff. In the end, we decided that though we had a lot of fun, our plans for the next few years take us in very different directions. He gave me another hug, said he was so glad that he met me and looks forward to many years of a good friendship. Once again, he asked me to text him when I got home. Which I did. I also made a short 30 second video of our ride and sent it to him.

2020, Nov 1 - Attempts at Postloss Dating

 Dearest Charlie,

I cannot believe how distracted I have been over the past year.  I have really let you down.  I tried the dating and relationship thing.  Got burned twice.  Lemme tell ya about it.

I shall call them by their nicknames.  So, you know, at least I think you do, about Sugarlips.  If not, lemme start at the beginning.  

I met Sugarlips online, at OurTime.com.  He started out just messaging me with no photo for reference. I had no idea what he looked like.  We messaged back and forth for a bit before exchanging phone numbers.  For a while, I knew him as Sugarlips Sims.  After talking on the phone for about 6 weeks, we decided to meet.  He sent me a pic and I thought he was attractive.  The night we met, there was an instant magnetic connection.  It was unreal.  I hadn't felt that since you my Dahlin'.  I missed it.  

During conversation, I felt something was off though.  I told him that he wasn't who he said he was.  He insisted that he was.  I almost asked for his ID but was distracted by an aptly timed ambulance.  He took advantage of the distracted and changed the subject. I didn't get a chance to ask again for his ID.  

We ended the evening and parted.  I had a long drive planned for the next day.  While on the drive, he kept calling to check on me.  As if he could've come to rescue me if there was a problem.  After every phone call, I would say to him, "Sugarlips, I know you are not who you say you are."  My bullshitometer was going berserk.  By the time I reached my destination some 8 hours later, he finally confessed to me that he was actually Sugarlips Erwin.  That was my first red flag - and yet I ignored it. 

He explained that was actually married for the 2nd time (on paper only) and lived at the address with his wife, her mother, and her two sisters.  He lived in his shop 100 feet away from the house.  Two weeks later, he began divorce proceedings and moved in with his daughter.  Eventually, he lost everything keeping only a house and two acres he owned before this marriage.

During our long distance relationship, (we lived 130 miles apart), there were numerous red flags that popped up, and I kept hitting my bullshitometer snooze button.  Fast forward to March 2020, when he begged me to move in with him.  For two weeks, he constantly begged and pleaded.  And then suddenly started easing off.  I went ahead and packed up to move in.  I made the drive up there.  Only to be told "Turn your ass around and go home."  He then cut off all communication.  

Four days later, I see he has a new picture up on Facebook with a new girlfriend.  A much younger woman named Jennifer.  I was devastated.  

This experience threw me back into that black hole of grief that I was in when you died.  I lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks.  Then, I met someone else.  

I got on Tinder, because that seemed to be the quickest way to meet someone.  I met a nice man I called Batman.  He was awesome.  He was such a great guy to talk to.  Admittedly, I talked to him an awful lot about Sugarlips.  He did not appreciate that much but he was very patient and compassionate.  I told him about you too.  I think ya'll could have been buddies.  I think you might have liked him.  He was in the oil field business so ya'll would have had that in common.  

He also was a theatre kid, so he and I had that in common.  He was a single dad to two teen daughters the same ages as ours.  We had THAT in common.  We had a LOT in common.  We talked for hours.  I really enjoyed those conversations about everything under the sun.  BUT he would never commit to me. Kept telling me that he didn't want to be under anyone's thumb. Even said a time or two that I was overbearing. My bullshitometer was malfunctioning.  It was not blaring like it did with Sugarlips.  I didn't see any red flags with Batman.  He was patient.  He slowly unfurled one red flag at a time.

He revealed that he was still legally married to his wife of 25 years, though they have been living apart for 8 of those years.  He has an on again/off again girlfriend that he cannot seem to shake.  He got involved with me in order to get under her skin.  She was not threatened by me.  So, he reconnected with another woman, a younger woman named Jennifer, with whom he and the GF had a past.  On Oct 13, 2020:  He actually told me to my face that GF was not threatened by ME.  That he could MARRY me and it would not bother her.  But, OH, he gets involved with Jennifer and THAT would get under GF's skin.  She would go ballistic once she found out.  

He held me while I cried over his rejection.  I thought that was nice of him to do.  I felt he was a decent guy for doing that instead of dumping me and cutting off all communication the way Sugarlips had.  He checked on me, texted me, called me to check on me.  Jennifer stayed with him everynight since they reconnected.  She's practically moved in with him.  

On Halloween night, he texted me Happy Halloween.  He asked how I was doing.  We texted a few texts back and forth and then I got one that said, "Ok.  Got busted."  I did not reply.

This morning, his text to me said, "Awesome.  Got Caught so do not text or call me again."  And he cut off all communication.  Just like Sugarlips.

That's 2 strikes in the past 6 months.  I have been dumped TWICE for a younger woman named Jennifer and the 2nd one doesn't seem to realize that she is being used ... but she will.  He'll mess up again and be alone.  He might even call me.  But I can't be bothered with all his issues.

The rejection hurts.  Not as bad as losing you hurt, but nonetheless.  I try to get out and meet new people and I get caught up with these yahoos.    Baby, I miss you so much.  I am so lost without you.  I wish you were here.

Love always,

Me

2019, Jun 10 - Decluttering the House

Dearest Charlie,

I know that in one of my earlier posts, I mentioned that I was going to start de-cluttering the utility room.  Well, it took me a while.  I tried.  But the first thing I put my hand on was the hospital bag with your slippers still inside.  I couldn't de-clutter then.  Fast Forward a year, and I started getting it done.  I think it was April (?), I can't remember.  I've been doing a little at a time.

It took me 3 days to do the utility room.  Another couple of days for the kitchen.  OH!  I found your dogtags and military medals!  I was so excited to find them!  Why in the world did you put them on top of the kitchen cabinet?  I ALMOST threw them away not knowing what was inside that little plastic bag!  Thank heavens I opened it to see what it was!  I bought a little shadow box and put the pins and medals in that for display next to your flag.

OH, and you'd be so excited to hear this too!  Kyle got MARRIED!  YEP!  Him and Kaylee finally tied the knot!  They even got a picture printed of you to put on the memory table at their wedding.  They then went on a honeymoon to Sandals resort in Jamaica.  They had a really great time and he was so excited about it.   He misses you very much also.  He is still driving that old truck you gave him.  Somehow, he's keeping it going!

After the wedding, I got back to de-cluttering and tackled our bedroom.  I cannot believe how much STUFF we have accumulated over the years!  Good-NESS!  When Kyle went in during a visit, he nearly fell over!  He hollered, "MOM!  Have you been ROBBED?"

I de-cluttered the living room and dining area too, hauling off boxes and boxes of stuff to Goodwill and burning the rest. Slowly, the house is coming back together on the inside. But Dahlin', it's falling apart on the outside.  It's only a matter of time before something will HAVE to be done.  The marriage wall that holds the two halves together is coming apart inside due to the house becoming unlevel and sinking in the mud.  I don't understand why you put it where it is.  Just a few more feet forward and it would be on a more solid foundation.

No matter now though.  I'll just have to figure out what to do, if anything, and take care of it.
Well, enough about that.

Your 2nd Father's Day in Heaven is approaching.  Tell PawPaw and Granny we said hello and we miss them too.  I guess you've seen Steve and both of you met Wade when he arrived.  We love and miss you all tremendously.

Love Always,
Me

2019, Jun 6 - 16 months and a Dog attack

Dearest Charlie,

I am so very sorry that I haven't posted in so long.  I have learned so much and so much has happened since I last wrote a year ago.

I've been really mad at you for a while now.  How dare you leave me in such a position?  Not filing the TAXES?  REALLY?  I had to hire an attorney to untangle the mess.  At this point, I'm not sure what's going to happen.  I just got a letter today from the IRS saying they have received all the documents I sent them and they would give me a "complete response" within 90 days.  Well, here's hoping they feel sorry for me!

The girls have been coping pretty good this year.  M1 has really developed artistically and is using that as her outlet.  She has come so FAR!  M2 - well, now, THIS child is REALLY yours!  Good Lawd!  All I can say in just a few words is that she's been a HANDFUL!  Disrespect, Disobedience, Theft, among just a few things.  However, she's gotten better during this past month.

On Thursday, I drove her to a friends house to deliver a birthday gift.   Though I saw a Beware of Dog sign, I really didn't think much of it.  I had been there before and so had she and neither one of use ever had any problems with the 4 dogs (a pit, 2 pit mix boxers, a catahoula mix).  I parked the car and told her to take the gift to her friend.  I had no intentions of getting out of the car.

The 4 dogs came up and approached her, sniffing her hands, acting friendly, barking a little, but nothing of concern.  Then as she tried to get closer to the house, they got more aggressive.  Jumping on her, scratching her, nipping at her jeans and though not yet biting, they were catching the fabric on her jeans.  She ended up dropping the gift in the driveway and slowly made her way back to the car.  As she reached, the car, the dogs determined that she was not going to get in.  She opened the car door, then they started biting flesh and they began pulling her away from the car!

She stayed calm and managed to get inside the car and closed the door on the head of one dog.  I honked the horn and, for a second got their attention, then I threw the gear in reverse and began moving.  The attack was stopped and then M2 fell apart.

I took her home and told her to get in the shower with antibacterial soap.  Then I took her to the ER to get checked out and make a report.  The owner called to check on her and informed me that this was the 2nd attack in as many months!  The dogs had to be quarantined for 10 days.  Two will be put down and the other two re-homed.  I felt bad that he's losing his dogs but sheesh Charlie!

I really NEED you here to deal with such things!  When I got home, I kept trying to remember what it is that you would do in such a situation.  Would you have gone down there and shot the dogs?  Would you have gone with filing a report?  What would you have done?  I can't remember anymore!

I miss you so much!  I miss our life together.  I miss having you around our girls.  I miss even hearing you snore.  I miss everything about you.  I wish I didn't have to live without you now.

Love,
Me

2019, Apr 17 - Your ashes

Dearest Charlie,

I just wanted to let you know that I changed my mind about scattering you hither and yon.  I found that there was no way I could afford a plane ticket to Alaska to scatter you up there.  Besides, I'm not sure I'm very welcome anyway.  I'll have to tell you about that another time.

Today, Church Funeral Services buried your brother Wade's ashes at the foot of your parents grave.  I decided you might be happier there as well, so I took you to be buried also.  They did give me a handful of your ashes to scatter on the home place though.  So I do have part of you.  I just don't know WHAT part of you I have.  :D  Maybe your right arm.  Anyway, I will scatter you back at the deer plot and behind the house off the bayou.  Your favorite places to roam.  Will that be okay with you?  You don't have to answer, I'm just going to assume it will be.

I saw a cardinal yesterday.  I don't see them often, but when I do, I like to think that you are somehow dropping by to check on me and the girls.  This cardinal just hopped around the yard for a VERY long time.  Hop Hop Hop about 3 inches at a time.  He looked really healthy though, so I just guess he was hunting for crickets or something.  He flew away when I made a move to open the front door for a closer look.

We love and miss you so much, my Love.

Love,
Me

2018, Jul 9 - Love Worms

Hey baby!  I sure do miss you.  I feel you nearby sometimes.  So close I can almost feel your hand in mine.  And then there are times when I really NEED to feel you close and you aren't there.  I need your advice, my love.  On many things.  So many things!

I'm not doing well.  Back in May, I was the high morals piano playing Church lady.  I felt like I was under too much pressure at the piano, so I stepped down.  When I did that, I felt like a house had been lifted offa me.  Then, I started behaving badly.  I started going out to bars.  Looking for quick companionship, dancing partners, or something.  Looking back on the last few weeks though, I think I've danced about 4 dances.  So, the dancing partner thing doesn't seem to be working out.  

I met someone who has take up space in my brain for a few weeks.  I realized this weekend that you would not like him.  In fact, you would call him your favorite word ... you would call him a WORM.  I call him a WEASEL.  Either way, he has not been good for me and I know it.  I have made a mistake allowing him into my life.  So, now he's gone.

I just miss you so badly.  I want you back but I know it's impossible and you are unavailable.  The loneliness without you is so very hard to explain!  I never imagined that it could be this lonely.  Even when I went through that divorce before we met!  It wasn't THIS bad!  

I miss your lips, I kissed at night,
The warmth of your body up next to me tight!
The love we once shared I'll never forget!
The chance I took I'll never regret!
Finding love again is a tough call!
I feel like this woman has put up a wall!!
I know no two people are exactly the same,
If I don't find love again, I know I'm to blame!!
So help me God to try and understand
Gimme a sign, or a lending hand!!
I've tried to move on and tried to let go!!
But my love for my husband always will show!!

I love you so much my Charlie.