2026, Mar 29 - Steady Through the Shift – Sunday Reset

 My Dearest Charlie,

Today felt like a mix of quiet, normal, and just a little bit of that “this is really happening” feeling underneath it all.

I went to church this morning - for the first time in a while. Why did I wait so long?  Well, because I'd been working that turnaround, ya know.  Anyway, it was Youth Sunday, so the young people led the whole service. There was something about it that felt fresh and honest. Not polished, but real. I think you would’ve liked that.  It reminded me of when the girls were younger.

It’s also Passover Sunday, so we had communion - The Lord’s Supper. That part slowed everything down for me. Gave me a moment to sit still and just take it in.

After church, I was hungry - hungry hungry - so I stopped at Dairy Queen and got some chicken tenders before heading home. Yes, I had leftovers in the fridge from game night with Alex… and yes, I could have waited.

But I was hongry. So chicken tenders it was.

I got home, laid down, and took a nap. Woke up… hongry again… and ate the leftovers anyway. So apparently today was sponsored by food and naps.

After that, I played on my phone a little while before finally getting up and tackling some more housework and decluttering.

And Charlie… I have SO MUCH to do before I leave Thursday.

It’s starting to settle in - not in a panicked way, but in that quiet “how is all of this going to get done?” kind of way. I know I’m going to have to trust that LB and Dana can handle things here.

I do worry about LB being here alone all weekend. That part sits in the back of my mind.  But I can't do anything about it other than try to reassure her that everything will be okay.

Up until now, I’ve mostly just felt excited about this opportunity. The worry hasn’t really had much space yet. But I can feel it starting to show up - little things like the car, the distance, all the moving pieces.

Also - my left knee is really bothering me today. Bad enough that I can feel it running up my IT band and into my hip. Thank goodness I’ve got that appointment with Kasey tomorrow to massage it out. I may just have her focus on that left leg and nothing else.

Still… I think if I take my time and space the drive out over a few days, I’ll be alright.

That seems to be where I am right now—doing what I can, trusting the rest, and just taking it one step at a time.

 How would you feel about me printing you out and making a Flat Charlie companion for the trip?  It may be silly but I'd feel a little like I'd have you there to share the trip with. I miss you in the ordinary parts of days like this. The church service, the drive, even something as simple as stopping for food - I still think often about what it would be like if you were there with me. 

But I’m okay.

Really, I am.

Just moving forward… steady.

Love you always,
Me

2026, Mar 28 - Steady Through the Shift

 Dear Charlie,

Everything lately feels like it’s shifting - but not in a chaotic way. More like the ground moving just enough to remind me I’m not standing still anymore. And somehow, in the middle of all that, I feel steady.

It’s been a full stretch of days since March 22. The kind where life doesn’t just move forward—it shifts under your feet a little.

I think the biggest thing… I’m getting ready to leave. Temporarily.

I’ve got a job lined up in New York with Barnhart Energy. It looks like it’ll be about eight months. That still feels strange to say out loud. Me… going that far, that long, alone.

Part of me is excited. Part of me is nervous. And part of me is just… steady. Like this is something I’m supposed to do.

But I sure wish you were here to share it with.

I’ve been trying to figure out the logistics of it all - whether to drive my little car with all those miles on it or fly and figure things out once I get there. Our mechanic, Brian (you remember him?), basically gave me that look… the one that says, “I wouldn’t push it.” So I’m weighing it all out carefully.

You’d probably tell me not to be stubborn about that.

I even walked into the bank to see about rolling my small loan into something bigger - just to give myself a cushion for the move. Left my name. Still waiting to hear from them.

Health-wise, I’ve been looking at my labs and my medications. Nothing scary, but enough to make me pay attention. I told them flat out - I don’t want to go on a statin. I’d rather handle things another way if I can. You know me… I’ll try to do it the natural way first, even in the middle of a big life change.

I’ve also been thinking ahead about how to manage everything while I’m gone - my prescriptions, my CPAP, all the little things that don’t seem like much until you’re 1,000 miles from home.

I tried DoorDashing for a minute - just to see if it was worth it. Made a little money, but not enough for the miles I put on the car. It reminded me that not every opportunity is a good one, even if it looks easy on the surface.

I got my tax summary pulled together and sent off to the CPA. That felt good - like closing a loop, even if I’m still going to owe a chunk in the end.

And then there was today… today was different.

I went to a memorial service with Dana. I went for her. That was my whole reason. She was stressed knowing Thomas would be there with his new girlfriend. The service was for his mother, Linda - her birthday, actually. She would have been 75.

Dana had a hard time. She couldn’t stop watching them - him and Angie - holding hands through the service. You could see it weighing on her.

But then something unexpected happened. Thomas hugged Dana. Not just a quick hug - a long one. And he told her they would talk later.

I don’t know what that means. Maybe nothing. Maybe something. But it sure stirred things up in her.

I just stayed beside her. That’s all I could do. Just be there.

I think you would’ve been proud of how I handled that. I didn’t get pulled into it. I didn’t try to fix anything. I just stood steady for her.

That seems to be the theme right now… steady.

Even with everything changing, everything uncertain - I feel more grounded than I expected to.

I miss you in moments like this. In the decisions. In the quiet drives. In the “what would Charlie say” thoughts that still come up.

But I also feel like… I’m doing okay.

Maybe even better than okay.

Just taking it one step at a time.

Loving and missing you always,
Me

2026, Mar 22 - A Full Day, Start to Finish

Dearest Charlie,

After a night alone, I got up fairly early and drove over to Covington to have breakfast with my brother.  I really hate these nights alone.  But what can I do?  Heck I even re-did a dating profile, for all of 24 hours.  Deleted that thing already.  Anyway, back to the day.

My brother and I met up at Abita Roasting Company. I ordered a chai latte and eggs Benedict. It was nice - simple, easy conversation, nothing rushed.

After breakfast, we went to church at New Beginnings. It was a good service. Today was kids’ service day, so many of the children were filling the usual adult roles - greeting, opening prayer, even helping with worship. It was sweet to watch.

After church, we went back to my brother’s house and visited for a bit. He told me his dog Scamp has been aging, but I wasn’t prepared for how much he’s declined. It caught me off guard. Then he reminded me - Scamp is about 15 years old. For a dog, that’s a long life. A good one.

We also spent some time going through some of Daddy’s notes and journals. My brother is going to make copies for me. I’d like to gather everything and put together a small book for each of us kids. I think that would mean a lot.

Later, we went to the Pelican Park Bark Park so his other little dog "Little Bit" could roam around and sniff everything in sight. Then, we took a drive along the Mandeville lakefront. We had talked about riding bikes, but my knee was bothering me, so we opted for a drive instead.  I'll try the bike ride another time.

Still nice.

We went back to his house for a bit, and then I headed home. I haven’t done much since.

Last night, I downloaded DoorDash, thinking I might try to get out and make a little extra money. But today… I just wasn’t quite brave enough to take that first order.

Maybe when the bank account gets a little lower, I’ll find that courage.

So, that was my day.

I’m about to take a shower and head to bed. I’ve got to be at Alliance Safety Council in the morning for my BOP refresher before it expires at the end of the month.

Oh—and my supervisor texted early this morning. She said she put my name in for a job at Westlake.

So… here’s hoping something gets scheduled soon.

I miss you muchly.

Love you always,
Me

2026, Mar 21 - Just An Ordinary Day

Dear Charlie,

Today started out as nothing.

I was planning to just lay around the house, not do much of anything. But to my surprise - and honestly, my pleasure - a church friend reached out and invited me to a Sunday School class fish fry.

I went.

And I’m really glad I did.

I needed that. Just being around people for a little while. I stayed just long enough for my nervous system to enjoy it… but not so long that I got overwhelmed. You would’ve been proud of that balance. I’m learning.

After that, I went to visit DQ and J over in FS for a bit.

A couple of weeks ago, DQ went to Childress, Texas to be with J while he’s working with MMR. She talked me into keeping her cat, Tux, and dog, Beaux, here at home. And lemme tell ya… that was a bit of an ordeal.

Tux has been getting diaper trained because he pees on everything. Everything. And Beaux… well, he’s easier, but both of them needed more attention than I could really give.

So today, DQ and J came to get them.

She ended up rehoming Tux so he can just be a cat again - no diapers, no restrictions. He’s going to be an outside cat now, and I think he’ll adjust just fine.

And tomorrow, they’re heading back to Texas with Beaux.

DQ’s been having a hard time lately - depressed, stressed - and Beaux is her emotional support. He’s eight years old now… so she may need another one eventually. But that’s a whole different conversation.

The Teen (though had hasn't been a teen for 15 years now) called me today too.

Just needed to vent. He had me on the phone while replacing his radiator - I couldn’t help but laugh. It reminded me of the times he’d call you, hold the phone over the engine, and you’d diagnose the problem right there. That was one of your gifts… and he never stopped being in awe of it.

Little Bird has a job now - working nights as a caregiver for a handicapped lady. So when she’s home, she’s sleeping. But she’s been subbing for me with my piano students while I’ve been working in the plants, and she’s doing a really good job.

I’m proud of her.

This week, I’m going to tag along with her a bit - just to support her and guide where needed.

As for me…

I got laid off last week from the DOW project. I’m hoping to hear something soon about the next one - maybe within a week or two.

In the meantime, I’ve signed up for Spark, Instacart, and DoorDash. Between those, a little in-home massage, and piano lessons, I should be able to stay afloat until the next project comes along.

I’m figuring it out, Charlie.

Oh, and I don’t know if I told you…

Roo and her boyfriend, A, moved to Portland, Oregon.

Can you believe that?

They just… went. No real plan other than, “We’ve got enough money for a hotel for a while. We’ll find jobs when we get there. Then we’ll find an apartment.”

I don’t know whether to admire that or worry about it.

Probably both.

So that was my day.

Nothing big. Nothing dramatic.

Just life.

Tomorrow, I’ll go to church, spend some time with my brother, and I might start getting the car ready for camping. I haven’t decided yet.

I wish you were here so we could go together.

I wish I could feel your arms around me just one more time.

I miss you.

Love you always,
Me

2026, Mar 20 - Four Years Later, Still Talking to You

Charlie, my love,

It’s been four years since I last wrote to you like this.

Not because I didn’t have anything to say… but because I’ve been saying it to you all along—just in pieces. In texts. In quiet moments. In my head while driving down the road or laying in bed at night.

I guess I never really stopped talking to you.

Sometimes it was just simple:

“I miss you so much.”

Other times… it was everything all at once:

“Hey baby - just an update. I managed to get through another anniversary and birthday since you’ve been gone. I took off work this weekend to dwell on you.”

The girls are grown now, Charlie. They’re working. Finding their way. I know you’d have thoughts about that… probably a few strong opinions too.  But ultimately, I think you'd be proud of them.

And me…

I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with myself without you here to steady me.

“I could use your advice. I’m quitting the massage thing and trying to find me a job in the plants. I finished my CSST and OSHA courses so I’m itching to get started.”

That was me - standing at the edge of something new, scared and determined all at once.

And then life kept doing what it does best… not waiting.

“I have good news and bad news. Since you’ve been gone, I developed a little spot on my left lung. The doctors have been watching it… and unfortunately it has grown. I have no symptoms, but I am concerned.”

I didn’t have you to sit across from. No steady voice. No “we’ll handle it.” Just me… trying to be brave.  Fortunately, it turned out to be nothing, but in that moment, it sure didn't feel like nothing.

And then, right alongside the fear -

“I think I may be starting a new job soon. I’ll be working in Laurel, Mississippi for five weeks at a time. I’m very excited about this opportunity and can’t wait to get started. I wish you were here so I could share all this with you. I know you would be excited for me.” (This also didn't turn out as expected.)

That’s been the pattern, Charlie.

Hard things.
Good things.
All tangled up together.

And then… the kind of moment that would’ve sent me straight into your arms -

“And not one hour after I sent you this - our baby girl was in a bad car wreck!”

She’s okay. Bruised. Shaken. Learning about grown-up problems now - insurance, banks, responsibility. You would’ve handled that situation so much better than I did… but I did the best I could.

I always do.

There are moments I wish you could see me now.

“You know a year ago, I finally decided to go into safety. I had to harness up and climb a 30-foot ladder straight up. I was shaking like a leaf on a windy day… but I DID IT!”

I wanted you there for that so bad.
I wanted to hear you say you were proud of me.

“I got a job! I start at Shintech on Thursday! I’m so excited and scared at the same time. I wish you were here for me to tell you all about it… or to give me advice about the plant.”

That was a turning point, Charlie. The beginning of something I never saw coming for myself.

And in between all of it… the quiet, aching moments never really left.

“I was sleeping and I heard your voice so clear. Even after I woke up, it took me a second or two to remember you are not here anymore.”

That one… still gets me.

And then there’s the real-life stuff - the kind you would’ve taken the lead on without hesitation. That’s been one of the hardest parts. Not just missing you… but missing your presence in the middle of decisions that matter.

I’ve had to grow in ways I didn’t ask for.

I’ve had to stand on my own in places I never thought I would.

And somewhere along the way… I did.

Not perfectly.
Not gracefully.
But I did it.

And yes… I even tried dating.

Lord help me.

I’ve met a few along the way. Some just passing through, some I thought might be something more - but none of them were you. Not even close.

What I’ve realized is… I’m not just looking for someone to fill space.

I’m looking for what we had.

And I know now - that’s not something you stumble into. That’s something rare.

So here I am, four years later.

Still missing you.
Still talking to you.
Still wishing I could turn and see you sitting there, listening like you always did.

But also…

Stronger than I was.
Braver than I thought I could be.
Still moving forward—whether I feel ready or not.

I hope, wherever you are… you can see me.

And I hope…

you’re proud of me.

Love you always,
Me

2021, Apr 26 - Adventures in Post Loss Dating

 Dearest Charlie,

I really should start making a post each day from now on.  Putting my thoughts in order and on "paper" ...  I have so many thoughts twirling around in my head right now.  Right now, this post will reflect on some of the adventures in dating that I have had.  Since my last post, I have communicated with quite a few fellas.  Met an Army guy, I'll call him Sarge. We have texted back and forth for quite a bit but he is not interested in a relationship. Then I met another fella, one I REALLY like and want, Cowboy Dan.  Cowboy Dan and I have also texted back and forth for nearly 4 months.  I have met him face to face 4 or 5 times.  He also is not interested in a relationship.  But if he were, he and I agreed that we would make a fine match.  So, I tossed both Sarge and Cowboy back into the pond.   I have casually been having text conversations with this guy and that guy, and eventually they all reveal they want the same thing. I've gotten quite annoyed and disgusted; and have my towel aimed to toss. But, then ... just this week, I met another, Fireman.  

We've talked and texted quite a bit over the past week, and he's been a breathe of fresh air.   Fireman quickly asked me on 3 dates in 4 days!  He wasn't satisfied with talks on the phone, he actually wanted to spend some time with me!  What an odd idea!  

He is more of a talker than a texter (YAY!). As he was out of town for the weekend, he stayed contact, calling to chat between his activities.

Last night he called, we had good conversation, it flowed well, and then he asked me if I would like to accompany him for -

Thurs evening: Dinner date

Saturday evening: Fireman’s Award Banquet

Sun afternoon: Motorcycle ride

So, Thursday evening:

We met up at a local steakhouse where we sat and talked while eating. After dinner, I rode with him in his truck to a little spring carnival not far from the restaurant. We strolled around, holding hands because he has long legs and walks fast and I needed to slow him down. I had already done my cardio for the day! We did not ride any rides, just looked at the bright lights and the little kiddos having fun. Though we had mostly good conversation, his favorite topic seems to be politics and the future state of our country. When I could say something, I tried to redirect and ask how long he’s been a fireman and what inspired him, yada yada. He’s a transplant to my area so I asked about his area too. The only thing I did NOT like is that he isn’t very flirty and he didn’t ask much about me and my life. I was also quiet about myself and did not volunteer. After the stroll, he drove me back to my car and we parted with a hug (no kiss - though I think he expected one) and a quick discussion of plans for Saturday’s awards banquet. He requested that I text him upon my safe arrival at home. This morning - he texted me good morning and wished me a good day.

Saturday's events first: The awards banquet - I opted to drive to his apartment, then rode with him to the banquet. The reason for this was due to location and proximity of the banquet to my residence. The event was on his side of town, so it made no sense for him to come get me, and go all the way back to that side of town, then bring me home.  At the banquet, I was able to observe his interactions with his peers and was pleased with what I saw. He also seemed more relaxed than he did on the Thursday date. We ended the evening with a hug and a "Rest well". Again, he asked me to text him when I got home.

Sunday's motorcycle ride:  Because I play the piano at the church, the ride had to wait until services were over.  I informed him that I had to get back to the church by 5 p.m. for choir rehearsal. We began our ride at 1. He was dressed in his biker gear - i.e. cut with patches for those who know. We stopped at a little Hole-In-The-Wall for a late lunch, where all heads turned when we walked in. I mean, heads turn when bikers enter anyway, but when he's 6'4", well, he naturally gets a little more attention. After eating, we resumed our ride, neither one of us looking at the time. When we did, we realized we were pushing it to get me back to my car etc. He offered to take me to church and hang out while I did my thing, THEN return me to my car.

While at choir rehearsal, we had some sound system issues, and lo and behold, Fireman knows his sound system stuff! He did his thing in the sound booth, and I did mine at the keyboard. By the end of the hour, the church choir and director have adopted him as the newest member of our little family, dubbing him Biker Fireman! The director offered to put him on the Sunday sound system schedule! LOL He politely declined due to other obligations.

When it was time to go, we left the church, and this church lady (me) donned her helmet, climbed on the back of this Harley behind him, and we roared out of the parking lot with my hands in the air and a loud WooHoo! We got back to his apartment, dismounted, and laughed at the events that transpired. He jokingly said, "The rumors are gonna be flying now and they're gonna have you married to me by tomorrow night!" LOL

We visited and talked a little more, with him now sharing and revealing some more personal stuff. In the end, we decided that though we had a lot of fun, our plans for the next few years take us in very different directions. He gave me another hug, said he was so glad that he met me and looks forward to many years of a good friendship. Once again, he asked me to text him when I got home. Which I did. I also made a short 30 second video of our ride and sent it to him.

I can't tell you how much I miss you and wish you were here. I really don't like this new life.

Love,

Me

2020, Nov 1 - Attempts at Postloss Dating

 Dearest Charlie,

I cannot believe how distracted I have been over the past year.  I have really let you down.  I tried the dating and relationship thing.  Got burned twice.  Lemme tell ya about it.

I shall call them by their nicknames.  So, you know, at least I think you do, about Sugarlips.  If not, lemme start at the beginning.  

I met Sugarlips online, at OurTime.com.  He started out just messaging me with no photo for reference. I had no idea what he looked like.  We messaged back and forth for a bit before exchanging phone numbers.  For a while, I knew him as Sugarlips Sims.  After talking on the phone for about 6 weeks, we decided to meet.  He sent me a pic and I thought he was attractive.  The night we met, there was an instant magnetic connection.  It was unreal.  I hadn't felt that since you my Dahlin'.  I missed it.  

During conversation, I felt something was off though.  I told him that he wasn't who he said he was.  He insisted that he was.  I almost asked for his ID but was distracted by an aptly timed ambulance.  He took advantage of the distracted and changed the subject. I didn't get a chance to ask again for his ID.  

We ended the evening and parted.  I had a long drive planned for the next day.  While on the drive, he kept calling to check on me.  As if he could've come to rescue me if there was a problem.  After every phone call, I would say to him, "Sugarlips, I know you are not who you say you are."  My bullshitometer was going berserk.  By the time I reached my destination some 8 hours later, he finally confessed to me that he was actually Sugarlips Erwin.  That was my first red flag - and yet I ignored it. 

He explained that was actually married for the 2nd time (on paper only) and lived at the address with his wife, her mother, and her two sisters.  He lived in his shop 100 feet away from the house.  Two weeks later, he began divorce proceedings and moved in with his daughter.  Eventually, he lost everything keeping only a house and two acres he owned before this marriage.

During our long distance relationship, (we lived 130 miles apart), there were numerous red flags that popped up, and I kept hitting my bullshitometer snooze button.  Fast forward to March 2020, when he begged me to move in with him.  For two weeks, he constantly begged and pleaded.  And then suddenly started easing off.  I went ahead and packed up to move in.  I made the drive up there.  Only to be told "Turn your ass around and go home."  He then cut off all communication.  

Four days later, I see he has a new picture up on Facebook with a new girlfriend.  A much younger woman named Jennifer.  I was devastated.  

This experience threw me back into that black hole of grief that I was in when you died.  I lost 20 pounds in 4 weeks.  Then, I met someone else.  

I got on Tinder, because that seemed to be the quickest way to meet someone.  I met a nice man I called Batman.  He was awesome.  He was such a great guy to talk to.  Admittedly, I talked to him an awful lot about Sugarlips.  He did not appreciate that much but he was very patient and compassionate.  I told him about you too.  I think ya'll could have been buddies.  I think you might have liked him.  He was in the oil field business so ya'll would have had that in common.  

He also was a theatre kid, so he and I had that in common.  He was a single dad to two teen daughters the same ages as ours.  We had THAT in common.  We had a LOT in common.  We talked for hours.  I really enjoyed those conversations about everything under the sun.  BUT he would never commit to me. Kept telling me that he didn't want to be under anyone's thumb. Even said a time or two that I was overbearing. My bullshitometer was malfunctioning.  It was not blaring like it did with Sugarlips.  I didn't see any red flags with Batman.  He was patient.  He slowly unfurled one red flag at a time.

He revealed that he was still legally married to his wife of 25 years, though they have been living apart for 8 of those years.  He has an on again/off again girlfriend that he cannot seem to shake.  He got involved with me in order to get under her skin.  She was not threatened by me.  So, he reconnected with another woman, a younger woman named Jennifer, with whom he and the GF had a past.  On Oct 13, 2020:  He actually told me to my face that GF was not threatened by ME.  That he could MARRY me and it would not bother her.  But, OH, he gets involved with Jennifer and THAT would get under GF's skin.  She would go ballistic once she found out.  

He held me while I cried over his rejection.  I thought that was nice of him to do.  I felt he was a decent guy for doing that instead of dumping me and cutting off all communication the way Sugarlips had.  He checked on me, texted me, called me to check on me.  Jennifer stayed with him everynight since they reconnected.  She's practically moved in with him.  

On Halloween night, he texted me Happy Halloween.  He asked how I was doing.  We texted a few texts back and forth and then I got one that said, "Ok.  Got busted."  I did not reply.

This morning, his text to me said, "Awesome.  Got Caught so do not text or call me again."  And he cut off all communication.  Just like Sugarlips.

That's 2 strikes in the past 6 months.  I have been dumped TWICE for a younger woman named Jennifer and the 2nd one doesn't seem to realize that she is being used ... but she will.  He'll mess up again and be alone.  He might even call me.  But I can't be bothered with all his issues.

The rejection hurts.  Not as bad as losing you hurt, but nonetheless.  I try to get out and meet new people and I get caught up with these yahoos.    Baby, I miss you so much.  I am so lost without you.  I wish you were here.

Love always,

Me