Hey hon,
Well, today started off a little rough. This is gonna be a long entry so hang in there. First off, Mariah told me she needed a poster board for a class today. She couldn't tell me last week. Nope, she waits until last night. Anyway, we got up early and headed to the store to get one. Mrs. Mary said she'd missed seeing you at the store and asked where you were. She was shocked and saddened to hear the news about you.
Afterwards, I went to the other store to get some big clear plastic totes to get started Clean Sweeping the bedroom. I felt the anxiety coming on already. I loaded them in the truck and began to head home. I didn't get very far when 3 of them flew out and in front of the cars behind me. I managed to turn around and go back and get them. Only one was broken. Anyway, up to this point, I was just having trouble breathing. Then when I went back to get the totes that flew out, I started having a full blown anxiety attack. I guess it was the idea of coming home and beginning the sorting process in the Master Bedroom. I just couldn't do it. When I got home, I just put the totes in the living room and started playing the piano. After about an hour of that, I got up and loaded the dishwasher. I was interrupted when your sister knocked on the door.
She and her husband are phenomenal! They brought a trailer to load up all the scrap iron and stuff around here. They got a full load and cleaned up the backyard and some of the front stuff under the porch. It sure would have been nice if you'd attached some sort of instructions to each item! You should see the backyard now! We HAVE one!!! Gary said he'd be coming back to do some mowing around here and make things a little nicer again.
While they were still here, I had to leave to get the girls and take them to their Ortho appt. I spent the rest of the afternoon on the road running hither and yon, as always.
I sucked it up and went to church tonight. I mean, I went to band and choir practice. Before I even arrived on the church campus, I begin having the anxiety attack symptoms. I tried to control it with deep breaths. I entered the church and the tears started. I managed to play through a couple of songs without breaking down but I sure was having trouble breathing through them. The last worship song was the hardest.
Then it was time for choir practice. Again, it wasn't so bad on a couple of songs until he pulled out "Where Amazing Happens". Well, I couldn't sit there and listen to that song. I had to get up and walk out. See, that song has been in the back of my mind since before you died. D had introduced it to the choir about a week or so before. After you died, the chorus kept reverbing in the back of my mind. Last week, D sent out an email to the choir stating that they were going to sing it in the worship service. I purposely skipped that particular worship service because the music was triggering emotional displays. So, I skipped that part and went in right in time for the preaching. Then this Wednesday, he decides to go over it again with the choir. I couldn't handle it and walked out. A few minutes later the song stopped and we were able to leave. I had to call D and tell him about my power struggle with the Lord though. He got a good laugh out of it.
I'm so lonesome without you. I miss you and love you so much. I even made a stupid Match.com profile to look for you but you aren't there so I deleted my profile. I'm not ready for all that. I just wanted to find you again.
Feb 28, 2018
Feb 27, 2018
2018, Feb 27 - Dancing
Hello my love! I'd like to share with you what I did today.
The day started off in a bad place. As soon as the girls left for school, I began to get things together for a shower. I started crying even before I turned the water on and cried throughout the entire shower. I swallowed soap and shampoo but I didn't care. You're not here anymore and I had to release that pain. I had to stop crying though in order to put some makeup on. I know I didn't wear it much when you were here. I saved it only for special occasions with you. You didn't like it when I wore lipstick and then kissed you with it. I wish you were here so I could do that again.
Once I got myself under control and got dressed, I headed out to see my friend Bobbi. She took me over to PARDS for an introductory line dancing class. I kept thinking about your opinion of line dancing and it made me smile. Then, Bobbi and I went for lunch. I like this new place.
After lunch, I headed over to Hammond for my first ballroom dance lesson. Oh, Charlie! You would have liked this! Well, maybe not .... but it sure would have been fun to do this with you! My instructor, Shane, taught me the Foxtrot, ChaCha, and Waltz. I'm a quick learner! Either that or he's a very good bullshitter! I learned the three dances in 20 minutes and then the rest of the hour, we just danced. Danced all over that ballroom. I hate to tell you this, but I guess it's because you've been gone a few weeks already, but he sure did smell good!
Then I came home. I called the girls and asked what they wanted for dinner, stopped and picked up pizza as per their request, and then I came home. Daddy was here for a bit. He needed me to refill his pill box. Then he left and it's just me and the girls.
I attempted to chat with some fellas on one of these stupid dating sites. Just like before I met you, there's a whole lotta frogs out there. None of these guys appeal to me. They aren't you! I miss you so much!! I love you!
The day started off in a bad place. As soon as the girls left for school, I began to get things together for a shower. I started crying even before I turned the water on and cried throughout the entire shower. I swallowed soap and shampoo but I didn't care. You're not here anymore and I had to release that pain. I had to stop crying though in order to put some makeup on. I know I didn't wear it much when you were here. I saved it only for special occasions with you. You didn't like it when I wore lipstick and then kissed you with it. I wish you were here so I could do that again.
Once I got myself under control and got dressed, I headed out to see my friend Bobbi. She took me over to PARDS for an introductory line dancing class. I kept thinking about your opinion of line dancing and it made me smile. Then, Bobbi and I went for lunch. I like this new place.
After lunch, I headed over to Hammond for my first ballroom dance lesson. Oh, Charlie! You would have liked this! Well, maybe not .... but it sure would have been fun to do this with you! My instructor, Shane, taught me the Foxtrot, ChaCha, and Waltz. I'm a quick learner! Either that or he's a very good bullshitter! I learned the three dances in 20 minutes and then the rest of the hour, we just danced. Danced all over that ballroom. I hate to tell you this, but I guess it's because you've been gone a few weeks already, but he sure did smell good!
Then I came home. I called the girls and asked what they wanted for dinner, stopped and picked up pizza as per their request, and then I came home. Daddy was here for a bit. He needed me to refill his pill box. Then he left and it's just me and the girls.
I attempted to chat with some fellas on one of these stupid dating sites. Just like before I met you, there's a whole lotta frogs out there. None of these guys appeal to me. They aren't you! I miss you so much!! I love you!
Feb 26, 2018
2018, Feb 26 - What I did today
Hey babe,
I just wanted to give you the rundown on what all happened today. First of all, I overslept. I had fully intended to go walk at that Anytime Fitness that I just signed a contract for. I overslept and just tossed the packed gym bag in the truck in hopes that I'll get to it later this after noon. That never happened.
The first thing I did when I left the house was to drive up to the Big Boss/Chevron for a biscuit. I was so mad when I couldn't find my wallet. I just knew I left it at the house. So, I drove ALL the way back to the house and went inside to find the wallet. I couldn't find it anywhere! The clock was ticking and I had an appointment to get to. I walked back out to the truck and dumped my purse out and there it was. In my purse the entire time! Ugh! Now I'm running 45 minutes behind schedule.
My first appointment was with Anchor Auto in Watson to get your truck a new windshield. I didn't have time to wait for the truck as I had another appointment to get to for 10 a.m. So, I called Uber for the first time ever! It's GREAT! The driver showed up in 10 minutes and took me to my first grief counseling appointment.
I was surprised by the counselor because #1 he's male and #2 he's 10 years old!! Okay, so he may be a bit older than 10 but he sure doesn't look it! I was a bit reserved about pouring my heart out to a kid, as qualified as he may be. All we did this session anyway was rehash everything for the past year. I started with your purchase of this huge motorhome and just went from there on the timeline. He commented that he was impressed with my vivid and DETAILED recollections. His comments now make me wonder if I'm at all normal.
After that appointment, I did the Uber thing again to get back to the truck. Can I just tell you that Uber is AMAZING!! The driver was there to pick me up in less than 6 minutes after I called! Simply OUTSTANDING!
I got back to get the truck and they had not only put a new windshield in it but they also inspected it! It now sports a flashy, new, up to date inspection sticker! Woo Hooo!
I had some time to go get some lunch before my next appointment so I drove all the way back to Livingston for a grilled shrimp salad. Then I went to S&S Automotive to have them take a look at the air conditioning in the truck. You never would fix that thing! I couldn't understand why. It only costs $300 for the compresser, dryer, and belt! But when he told me it would be an all day job and labor would cost $600, then I understood. Why wouldn't you just pay for the job to be done? Why did you always insist that you would do it yourself when you knew you wouldn't? You couldn't stand over that truck with your back in the condition it was in! Were you in denial or something? I wish you had talked to me more about it. Now, I feel like you just kept it from me.
After I made arrangements to drop the truck off next week for the A/C repair, I came back home. I got here just in time for the school bus to arrive. Mariah got off but Melody didn't. I panicked! Where was she? I called the school while running inside the house to grab the girls LPCC binders. Coach asked me some questions about what Melody was wearing, did she have a cell phone (that's another issue I need to discuss with you), etc. As he was looking at the security cameras to see if he could spot her, Mariah piped up and said, "Oh! I forgot! She has Jazz Band practice today!" What! Whew! I told the coach I was headed in that direction.
I got there and got her and took them to eat at G&J's. I have to stop doing that. I can't help myself though. I miss your cooking! I haven't cooked at all in 3 weeks because other people are doing it for me. I know it isn't healthy for them but it was the quickest thing I could do. Then, I drove them up to Watson for the their choir practice.
When I dropped them off I decided to download that Tinder app on my phone and swipe through a few guys profiles. I found one that made it easy. He listed his phone number with permission to contact him, so I did. It's amazing the feels you can get through a text message. He was friendly and all until he asked for my photo. I sent it. He stopped texting. Oh well. I miss you and getting all the pretty words from you. I know how you felt about me. I had no doubts. This new single life is heartbreaking! I don't want to be single!
I took myself over to Papi's for dinner again. No anxiety attack tonight, but I did get a horrendous Taco salad. Ugh! Remind me not to do that again. Then I picked up the girls and drove them to Subway for dinner. They each got one of those Chicken Chipotle sandwiches. They said it was enough. I actually pulled into the drive at 9. I know you would have been proud. I miss your texts telling me what time it is and reminding me it's a school night and that the girls need to get home.
But we got home and they're in bed now while I sit here typing this out to you and missing you tremendously! I love you!
I just wanted to give you the rundown on what all happened today. First of all, I overslept. I had fully intended to go walk at that Anytime Fitness that I just signed a contract for. I overslept and just tossed the packed gym bag in the truck in hopes that I'll get to it later this after noon. That never happened.
The first thing I did when I left the house was to drive up to the Big Boss/Chevron for a biscuit. I was so mad when I couldn't find my wallet. I just knew I left it at the house. So, I drove ALL the way back to the house and went inside to find the wallet. I couldn't find it anywhere! The clock was ticking and I had an appointment to get to. I walked back out to the truck and dumped my purse out and there it was. In my purse the entire time! Ugh! Now I'm running 45 minutes behind schedule.
My first appointment was with Anchor Auto in Watson to get your truck a new windshield. I didn't have time to wait for the truck as I had another appointment to get to for 10 a.m. So, I called Uber for the first time ever! It's GREAT! The driver showed up in 10 minutes and took me to my first grief counseling appointment.
I was surprised by the counselor because #1 he's male and #2 he's 10 years old!! Okay, so he may be a bit older than 10 but he sure doesn't look it! I was a bit reserved about pouring my heart out to a kid, as qualified as he may be. All we did this session anyway was rehash everything for the past year. I started with your purchase of this huge motorhome and just went from there on the timeline. He commented that he was impressed with my vivid and DETAILED recollections. His comments now make me wonder if I'm at all normal.
After that appointment, I did the Uber thing again to get back to the truck. Can I just tell you that Uber is AMAZING!! The driver was there to pick me up in less than 6 minutes after I called! Simply OUTSTANDING!
I got back to get the truck and they had not only put a new windshield in it but they also inspected it! It now sports a flashy, new, up to date inspection sticker! Woo Hooo!
I had some time to go get some lunch before my next appointment so I drove all the way back to Livingston for a grilled shrimp salad. Then I went to S&S Automotive to have them take a look at the air conditioning in the truck. You never would fix that thing! I couldn't understand why. It only costs $300 for the compresser, dryer, and belt! But when he told me it would be an all day job and labor would cost $600, then I understood. Why wouldn't you just pay for the job to be done? Why did you always insist that you would do it yourself when you knew you wouldn't? You couldn't stand over that truck with your back in the condition it was in! Were you in denial or something? I wish you had talked to me more about it. Now, I feel like you just kept it from me.
After I made arrangements to drop the truck off next week for the A/C repair, I came back home. I got here just in time for the school bus to arrive. Mariah got off but Melody didn't. I panicked! Where was she? I called the school while running inside the house to grab the girls LPCC binders. Coach asked me some questions about what Melody was wearing, did she have a cell phone (that's another issue I need to discuss with you), etc. As he was looking at the security cameras to see if he could spot her, Mariah piped up and said, "Oh! I forgot! She has Jazz Band practice today!" What! Whew! I told the coach I was headed in that direction.
I got there and got her and took them to eat at G&J's. I have to stop doing that. I can't help myself though. I miss your cooking! I haven't cooked at all in 3 weeks because other people are doing it for me. I know it isn't healthy for them but it was the quickest thing I could do. Then, I drove them up to Watson for the their choir practice.
When I dropped them off I decided to download that Tinder app on my phone and swipe through a few guys profiles. I found one that made it easy. He listed his phone number with permission to contact him, so I did. It's amazing the feels you can get through a text message. He was friendly and all until he asked for my photo. I sent it. He stopped texting. Oh well. I miss you and getting all the pretty words from you. I know how you felt about me. I had no doubts. This new single life is heartbreaking! I don't want to be single!
I took myself over to Papi's for dinner again. No anxiety attack tonight, but I did get a horrendous Taco salad. Ugh! Remind me not to do that again. Then I picked up the girls and drove them to Subway for dinner. They each got one of those Chicken Chipotle sandwiches. They said it was enough. I actually pulled into the drive at 9. I know you would have been proud. I miss your texts telling me what time it is and reminding me it's a school night and that the girls need to get home.
But we got home and they're in bed now while I sit here typing this out to you and missing you tremendously! I love you!
Feb 25, 2018
2018 Feb 25 - Three Weeks
Today is 3 weeks since you've been gone. This weekend, the girls went on a youth retreat and I packed up and went to Dana's. I could not stay here alone without you. I cry at the most random times now but usually just when I'm driving or during the music at church.
Friday night, I had been invited to a LuLaRoe party. I went and spent $250. I could just hear you getting mad about it. I'm sorry I wasn't very frugal but I needed some new clothes. After that, I drove down to Dana's where I just visited with her for a while before I went to sleep in Remi's bed. I did not sleep well at all. I think I finally dozed off around 4:30 a.m.
Saturday Dana and I then went out to eat breakfast at Frank's restaurant. I was so excited to see they had a Trim Healthy Mama option on the menu! I order scrambled eggs and steamed veggies. It was very yummy! After that, we drove to the house where I did a little kitchen cleaning. I held your box for a few minutes before I did the cleaning though. I sat there and held your box and cried. I'm so tired of crying but it happens and the most random times. It just sneaks up on me and takes over and there's nothing I can do about it. After I regained control of my emotions, I got busy cleaning the kitchen.
Cleaning out the fridge was hard. I had to throw out the last things you cooked for us. The red beans and rice and the jambalaya. It was growing fuzzy mold and had to go. I started crying again. I miss you so much.
I managed to finish the fridge and start a load of dishes in the dishwasher. Then I swept and mopped the kitchen. Then it was time to go.
Dana and I then went to Juban Crossing where I shopped for some blue jeans. The ones I've been wearing were getting pretty baggy. I bought TWO pair of SIZE 16 jeans! You'd be so proud! you were always teasing me about my disappearing rear end. Well, it's shrinking for sure now! I also bought two pair of everyday wear shoes. My sneakers are gonna be used for treadmill walking at Anytime Fitness (starting tomorrow). I know how you'd hate that. I'm sorry. I have to get healthy for the girls.
After shopping, Dana and I went to Movie Tavern where we saw the movie Samson. Before the movie started, I got all weird and started telling this lovely couple about you and how you've gone. I told them to love and treasure each other and advised them that if they didn't have a life insurance policy that they needed to get one. I told them to never take a single minute for granted. I wish we could have had more dates like they were on.
After that awkward and weird widow moment, we ordered out Movie Tavern food. We decided to split a Pulled Pork plate with fries and 2 drinks. Then we ordered a bucket of popcorn too. Dana is BAD about crunching that popcorn!!! AND also during the movie, Dana ended up spilling her drink right in my lap! I don't think I'm gonna go to any more movies with her!
So, after the movie, we decided to go back to her house in Gonzales, change into something more comfy, and go to the casino. First, we stopped and bought some lottery tickets (Lotto and Powerball) and then we went on to the casino where it did not take long to lose $200 on the penny slots. Then we went back home.
I got in bed and I believe I actually passed right out! I remember seeing 11:30 on the clock. The next think I remember is getting up at 3:30 to go to the bathroom. Then I woke up at 8 to get ready for church.
Sunday - I was okay up until I left Dana's to head to church. Then I cried the entire drive there. It was hard to see the road through the tears as I drove. I was late getting there and had to drive all around the parking lot to find a space. Mr. Lonnie came out and told me to just park at the end of the row. By the time I got into the building, the music part of the service was over and the preacher was just getting started. I did good!!! NO TEARS!!! Not through the sermon anyway! BUT when the music started at the end, so did the waterworks!!! WHAT!?
Then the music stopped and I was able to stop crying. We had to vote on the new preacher so we sat there for a while. There was a guy sitting on the same row that caught my eye and I went and did something stupid. I approached him, introduced myself, and then asked him, "So, do you come here often?" I mean, really? How much more stupid can that sound!? Then I tried to back out of the situation by over-explaining myself making the awkward even worse! What was I thinking? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I guess I just wanted SOMEONE to get a twinkle in his eye when he looked at me. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I just miss you so much!
After church, I drove the girls to grab lunch at Sonic. Mariah sassed me and I had to remind her that you're not around anymore for me to call and talk to her. She started crying and yelling at me. The food arrived at the truck door and I then headed to Live Oak for their special choir practice that had been scheduled.
I had 2 hours to kill so I went and cleaned out your truck cab. Then I got the girls from rehearsal and came straight back home where I met your sister Geri and her husband Gary. Gary did some sort of paper clip test on the truck to check a relay or switch for the A/C. He also put a battery charger on the motor home so we can try to start it. We walked around and looked through all your stuff and decided to start a scrap metal pile. There's not much steel around but a lot of light weight stuff that can be hauled off for a few pennies. There's a lot of other stuff that can just be trash also. Gary has offered to help me pile it up and haul it off. We'll get this place cleaned up. It's gonna look good soon and I think you'll like it! I love you and miss you!!!
Friday night, I had been invited to a LuLaRoe party. I went and spent $250. I could just hear you getting mad about it. I'm sorry I wasn't very frugal but I needed some new clothes. After that, I drove down to Dana's where I just visited with her for a while before I went to sleep in Remi's bed. I did not sleep well at all. I think I finally dozed off around 4:30 a.m.
Saturday Dana and I then went out to eat breakfast at Frank's restaurant. I was so excited to see they had a Trim Healthy Mama option on the menu! I order scrambled eggs and steamed veggies. It was very yummy! After that, we drove to the house where I did a little kitchen cleaning. I held your box for a few minutes before I did the cleaning though. I sat there and held your box and cried. I'm so tired of crying but it happens and the most random times. It just sneaks up on me and takes over and there's nothing I can do about it. After I regained control of my emotions, I got busy cleaning the kitchen.
Cleaning out the fridge was hard. I had to throw out the last things you cooked for us. The red beans and rice and the jambalaya. It was growing fuzzy mold and had to go. I started crying again. I miss you so much.
I managed to finish the fridge and start a load of dishes in the dishwasher. Then I swept and mopped the kitchen. Then it was time to go.
Dana and I then went to Juban Crossing where I shopped for some blue jeans. The ones I've been wearing were getting pretty baggy. I bought TWO pair of SIZE 16 jeans! You'd be so proud! you were always teasing me about my disappearing rear end. Well, it's shrinking for sure now! I also bought two pair of everyday wear shoes. My sneakers are gonna be used for treadmill walking at Anytime Fitness (starting tomorrow). I know how you'd hate that. I'm sorry. I have to get healthy for the girls.
After shopping, Dana and I went to Movie Tavern where we saw the movie Samson. Before the movie started, I got all weird and started telling this lovely couple about you and how you've gone. I told them to love and treasure each other and advised them that if they didn't have a life insurance policy that they needed to get one. I told them to never take a single minute for granted. I wish we could have had more dates like they were on.
After that awkward and weird widow moment, we ordered out Movie Tavern food. We decided to split a Pulled Pork plate with fries and 2 drinks. Then we ordered a bucket of popcorn too. Dana is BAD about crunching that popcorn!!! AND also during the movie, Dana ended up spilling her drink right in my lap! I don't think I'm gonna go to any more movies with her!
So, after the movie, we decided to go back to her house in Gonzales, change into something more comfy, and go to the casino. First, we stopped and bought some lottery tickets (Lotto and Powerball) and then we went on to the casino where it did not take long to lose $200 on the penny slots. Then we went back home.
I got in bed and I believe I actually passed right out! I remember seeing 11:30 on the clock. The next think I remember is getting up at 3:30 to go to the bathroom. Then I woke up at 8 to get ready for church.
Sunday - I was okay up until I left Dana's to head to church. Then I cried the entire drive there. It was hard to see the road through the tears as I drove. I was late getting there and had to drive all around the parking lot to find a space. Mr. Lonnie came out and told me to just park at the end of the row. By the time I got into the building, the music part of the service was over and the preacher was just getting started. I did good!!! NO TEARS!!! Not through the sermon anyway! BUT when the music started at the end, so did the waterworks!!! WHAT!?
Then the music stopped and I was able to stop crying. We had to vote on the new preacher so we sat there for a while. There was a guy sitting on the same row that caught my eye and I went and did something stupid. I approached him, introduced myself, and then asked him, "So, do you come here often?" I mean, really? How much more stupid can that sound!? Then I tried to back out of the situation by over-explaining myself making the awkward even worse! What was I thinking? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I guess I just wanted SOMEONE to get a twinkle in his eye when he looked at me. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I just miss you so much!
After church, I drove the girls to grab lunch at Sonic. Mariah sassed me and I had to remind her that you're not around anymore for me to call and talk to her. She started crying and yelling at me. The food arrived at the truck door and I then headed to Live Oak for their special choir practice that had been scheduled.
I had 2 hours to kill so I went and cleaned out your truck cab. Then I got the girls from rehearsal and came straight back home where I met your sister Geri and her husband Gary. Gary did some sort of paper clip test on the truck to check a relay or switch for the A/C. He also put a battery charger on the motor home so we can try to start it. We walked around and looked through all your stuff and decided to start a scrap metal pile. There's not much steel around but a lot of light weight stuff that can be hauled off for a few pennies. There's a lot of other stuff that can just be trash also. Gary has offered to help me pile it up and haul it off. We'll get this place cleaned up. It's gonna look good soon and I think you'll like it! I love you and miss you!!!
Feb 22, 2018
2018, Feb 22 - Our first Valentine's Date
I was just sitting here thinking about our first Valentine's date. I remember being at work and leaving early to come home and get changed for our date You had come over to the apartment with dinner that you picked up from the local grocery story. I had gotten in the shower and when I got out, you had an empty styrofoam container on the counter and beautiful plate of food on the table with a lit candle and some roses in a vase. You had planned ahead to prepare dinner because you knew we would be running late to the performance.
I finished getting dressed and we went downstairs to your truck. You began driving and we drove for a while when you said, "Oh, shoot! I forgot the tickets!" I basically had a little panic attack and tried to convince you to turn around to go back and get them. I finally realized after a bit that you were just messing with me.
We got down to New Orleans were you parked your truck in a parking garage. We then we to see a performance of "The Phantom of the Opera". We had orchestra seats! I was so excited! I had never been around anyone who dipped tobacco before so I was a little taken aback when you ordered a small drink and continually "sipped" on it throughout the performance. At intermission, I realized that you were actually using it as a spit cup. Why oh Why did I continue to date you?
After the performance was all finished and everyone exited the theater, we went back to the truck. Before you started the truck, you gave me a kiss and then handed me a gift-wrapped CD that you took out from under your seat. It was the "The Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack". You were so sweet to me! I miss you so much!
I finished getting dressed and we went downstairs to your truck. You began driving and we drove for a while when you said, "Oh, shoot! I forgot the tickets!" I basically had a little panic attack and tried to convince you to turn around to go back and get them. I finally realized after a bit that you were just messing with me.
We got down to New Orleans were you parked your truck in a parking garage. We then we to see a performance of "The Phantom of the Opera". We had orchestra seats! I was so excited! I had never been around anyone who dipped tobacco before so I was a little taken aback when you ordered a small drink and continually "sipped" on it throughout the performance. At intermission, I realized that you were actually using it as a spit cup. Why oh Why did I continue to date you?
After the performance was all finished and everyone exited the theater, we went back to the truck. Before you started the truck, you gave me a kiss and then handed me a gift-wrapped CD that you took out from under your seat. It was the "The Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack". You were so sweet to me! I miss you so much!
2018, Feb 22 - Soc Sec and Crossfit
I got up this morning and took Mariah to school. Then I went to get a little breakfast and kill a little time because I thought the soc sec office opened at 8 a.m. Well, I got there and they don't open until 9. I stood out in the line for a few minutes until the security guard finally opened the door. As I waited, a man came to the line. He was holding a notebook. I mentioned to him, "Ah man! I forgot to bring my notebook! I THINK I have everything else I need though." He looked at me, smiled, and winked and said, "There you go thinkin' again." Charlie, I SWEAR it was YOU talking to me through him! It sent me into a little anxiety/panic attack and I had to find a corner to go wilt in until I was able to calm down and get to business.
After waiting about an hour, they finally called my name. You will be surprised to know that the girls get a raise! It's not the lottery but it'll enable us to continue paying the mortgage and keep the lights on! Praise God!
I don't know if you can see me from heaven. I hope you can and I hope that you approve of everything I'm doing. I wish you could communicate with me somehow to acknowledge me.
This afternoon, I've decided to go try Crossfit exercise. I'm determined to be the hot sexy thing you fell in love with 23 years ago. I miss you so much!
After waiting about an hour, they finally called my name. You will be surprised to know that the girls get a raise! It's not the lottery but it'll enable us to continue paying the mortgage and keep the lights on! Praise God!
I don't know if you can see me from heaven. I hope you can and I hope that you approve of everything I'm doing. I wish you could communicate with me somehow to acknowledge me.
This afternoon, I've decided to go try Crossfit exercise. I'm determined to be the hot sexy thing you fell in love with 23 years ago. I miss you so much!
2018- Feb 21 - Your Truck
Today, I took your truck over to S&S Tire for an oil change. I don't know when you ever changed the oil or did it last but I knew it needed to be done. While I was there, I started brainstorming about this Alaskan roadtrip that we wanted to go on so badly. Well, YOU know I cannot drive that motorhome. So, I've decided to get your truck ready for the trip and take it instead. I'll get a camper shell for the back, a couple of pcs of plywood cut to fit, some small mattresses, and the girls and I should be comfortable for a few weeks.
So, checklist of what needs to be done to the Truck.
1. A/C
2. Check Engine Light/Gas Cap
3. Tires
4. Spark plugs & wires
5. Check hoses and belts
6. 6 foot tall cardboard cut out of you.
7. Load up and go.
The girls have approved of everything, so that's the plan. Before we leave, I'll take some of your ashes to the deer stand. Then, on the trip, we'll take your ashes with us and throw you out the window everytime we cross a state line. I hope you won't be too insulted. I will also toss some of you in the Alaska Gulf since I know how much you enjoyed fishing.
I will then take some of the ashes and have them made into Ash Beads for necklaces for the girls. I'm pretty sure you'll approve of that.
The cardboard cut out is for me. That's so we can still have some family vacay pictures with the girls even though you aren't physically here anymore. God, I miss you so much!
So, checklist of what needs to be done to the Truck.
1. A/C
2. Check Engine Light/Gas Cap
3. Tires
4. Spark plugs & wires
5. Check hoses and belts
6. 6 foot tall cardboard cut out of you.
7. Load up and go.
The girls have approved of everything, so that's the plan. Before we leave, I'll take some of your ashes to the deer stand. Then, on the trip, we'll take your ashes with us and throw you out the window everytime we cross a state line. I hope you won't be too insulted. I will also toss some of you in the Alaska Gulf since I know how much you enjoyed fishing.
I will then take some of the ashes and have them made into Ash Beads for necklaces for the girls. I'm pretty sure you'll approve of that.
The cardboard cut out is for me. That's so we can still have some family vacay pictures with the girls even though you aren't physically here anymore. God, I miss you so much!
2018, Feb 20 - I wish you were here
What a day today. I wish you were here to protect me! To tell Daddy where to go! I started out okay this morning. I had to drive Daddy to his eye doctor appt where they dilated his eyes. Going over there wasn't so bad. After that appointment, we had to go to Dana's office so the dentist there could look at Daddy's tooth that had broken off. Daddy was beginning to act childish at this point. Even Dana was having a hard time with him and had to send in another hygienist to deal with him.
When we left there, I fully intended to come home and take care of MY business but NO, he decided he needed to go to Port Allen to return some part he got for the Rav4 that he'd just traded in for a silver truck. In order to GET to Port Allen, I had to go over the Mississippi River Bridge. Well, Honey, the last time I drove over that bridge, you were in the passenger seat of the suburban.
So, I drove over the river, sobbing. When I was at the top, the Righteous Brothers, Unchained Melody, I nearly lost it right there up on that New Mississippi River bridge. Daddy noticed and started in on me. "Why are you crying? Are you okay?" I just wanted him to shut up!! I was tempted to send him over the edge for a swim!
We got over the bridge and into Port Allen, dropped off the auto part that he wanted the refund on, and headed back across to head home. Daddy started saying some very unthoughtful and hurtful things to me. Not directly to me but enough to really hurt.
He began talking about going hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Said that he would probably have a heart attack while hiking. AND IF SO, he did not want to be buried anywhere. NO! He wants to be CREMATED and his ashes mixed in horse feed so he could be FED TO THE NEAREST MULE!!! UN-BE-LEAVE-ABLE!
I was getting hungry and opted to swing through a Chick-Fil-A for a snack. HE didn't want CFA. HE wanted a McDonald's Vanilla shake. Even with all his fussing, I directed the truck to CFA and made my order making sure to order him a small vanilla shake. He got it and began enjoying it .....just like a two year old would. He started slurping that shake down. I looked over and he had whipped cream all over the front of his shirt. He was picking it off his shirt with his fingers and licking it off his fingers. Just like a damn kid!
We finally got home. I knew before we got there that my sister in law, Carolyn, would be there long before Daddy and I got there. Her husband Darryl was working on a tractor that I was trying to sell.
So when we drove up, I got my purse and everything out of his new truck, and with out a goodbye, I began walking home. I got over there and cried on Carolyn's shoulder. My husband was my protector. He would NEVER have put up with dad. But my husband is gone now and cannot protect me. So, Carolyn gently reminded me that "Now that he's not here, YOU're gonna have to grow some balls." Ugh! I really want my husband back!
When we left there, I fully intended to come home and take care of MY business but NO, he decided he needed to go to Port Allen to return some part he got for the Rav4 that he'd just traded in for a silver truck. In order to GET to Port Allen, I had to go over the Mississippi River Bridge. Well, Honey, the last time I drove over that bridge, you were in the passenger seat of the suburban.
So, I drove over the river, sobbing. When I was at the top, the Righteous Brothers, Unchained Melody, I nearly lost it right there up on that New Mississippi River bridge. Daddy noticed and started in on me. "Why are you crying? Are you okay?" I just wanted him to shut up!! I was tempted to send him over the edge for a swim!
We got over the bridge and into Port Allen, dropped off the auto part that he wanted the refund on, and headed back across to head home. Daddy started saying some very unthoughtful and hurtful things to me. Not directly to me but enough to really hurt.
He began talking about going hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Said that he would probably have a heart attack while hiking. AND IF SO, he did not want to be buried anywhere. NO! He wants to be CREMATED and his ashes mixed in horse feed so he could be FED TO THE NEAREST MULE!!! UN-BE-LEAVE-ABLE!
I was getting hungry and opted to swing through a Chick-Fil-A for a snack. HE didn't want CFA. HE wanted a McDonald's Vanilla shake. Even with all his fussing, I directed the truck to CFA and made my order making sure to order him a small vanilla shake. He got it and began enjoying it .....just like a two year old would. He started slurping that shake down. I looked over and he had whipped cream all over the front of his shirt. He was picking it off his shirt with his fingers and licking it off his fingers. Just like a damn kid!
We finally got home. I knew before we got there that my sister in law, Carolyn, would be there long before Daddy and I got there. Her husband Darryl was working on a tractor that I was trying to sell.
So when we drove up, I got my purse and everything out of his new truck, and with out a goodbye, I began walking home. I got over there and cried on Carolyn's shoulder. My husband was my protector. He would NEVER have put up with dad. But my husband is gone now and cannot protect me. So, Carolyn gently reminded me that "Now that he's not here, YOU're gonna have to grow some balls." Ugh! I really want my husband back!
Feb 19, 2018
2018, Feb 19 - Sorrow
I got up this morning for the girls. I did not fee them breakfast, but when did I ever? They're old enough now to prepare their own bowls of cereal. I was good until they went out the door for school. Then I fell apart. I shuffled around the house, holding your camo shirt, touching your box of ashes and crying. Cried in the kitchen, the living room, the bathroom, the bedroom. Everywhere. I held that one shirt like it was the last one. At some point I actually did something productive, like press the power button on the washing machine. Otherwise, I laid in the bed among your laundry, holding your shirt, and crying. A couple of times I dozed off and dreamed weird stuff. Dreamt about Dr. Kleinpeter and parrots of all things. I really wanted to dream about you. I stayed in bed all day, hoping to dream about you.
Finally, the girls arrived home and we had something to do. They went out the door and left me here for a minute. I turned to face your box and tell you "This is so hard!". Then I turned to go. I had to get the girls to choir practice.
I drove, they slept. We got there 20 minutes early. I let them sleep a little longer. Finally, I woke them up and sent them inside. Then, I went to get something to eat. I took myself over to Papi's Fajita Factory. I sat in a booth by myself and order a combination fajita plate called the El Jefe. From parking lot until after dinner, I fought a panic attack. I do not like eating out alone anymore. I used to be fine but now I miss you so badly.
Afterwards, I went down the road to the library to talk to your newly discovered distant cousin. I told her you were gone. We talked a bit and then I had to go get the girls. I forgot to get them burgers like I usually do. I got them in the truck and then went to Samantha's because she was bugging me to stop for a few minutes. It put me behind schedule.
I still had to stop and get them something to eat. We forgot to get the drinks we ordered and had to turn around to get them. I just knew I would be getting text messages from you to remind me they were late and it was a school night. The texts never came.
We got home to a dark house. You usually would be sitting in your chair watching TV or the news. It was too quiet tonight. I might leave the TV on next week. The girls got their teeth brushed and they went to bed. Now, I'm watching the news and typing to you. I miss you. I love you.
Finally, the girls arrived home and we had something to do. They went out the door and left me here for a minute. I turned to face your box and tell you "This is so hard!". Then I turned to go. I had to get the girls to choir practice.
I drove, they slept. We got there 20 minutes early. I let them sleep a little longer. Finally, I woke them up and sent them inside. Then, I went to get something to eat. I took myself over to Papi's Fajita Factory. I sat in a booth by myself and order a combination fajita plate called the El Jefe. From parking lot until after dinner, I fought a panic attack. I do not like eating out alone anymore. I used to be fine but now I miss you so badly.
Afterwards, I went down the road to the library to talk to your newly discovered distant cousin. I told her you were gone. We talked a bit and then I had to go get the girls. I forgot to get them burgers like I usually do. I got them in the truck and then went to Samantha's because she was bugging me to stop for a few minutes. It put me behind schedule.
I still had to stop and get them something to eat. We forgot to get the drinks we ordered and had to turn around to get them. I just knew I would be getting text messages from you to remind me they were late and it was a school night. The texts never came.
We got home to a dark house. You usually would be sitting in your chair watching TV or the news. It was too quiet tonight. I might leave the TV on next week. The girls got their teeth brushed and they went to bed. Now, I'm watching the news and typing to you. I miss you. I love you.
2018, Feb 4 - God Signs
So I want to take a minute and share with you a few little God signs
from this morning. This is a little lengthy but hang in there.
First sign: I last spoke with my love at 2a this morning. I told him I loved him and that he needed to rest and heal for me. He replied “Okay. I love you too. See you later.” I told him I was right down the hall in the waiting room. I left him and went to rest for an hour. I was alone with just the vending machines. As I dozed, I heard an odd, soft “whoosh” or "pah" or something similar to birds wings flapping but not as hard as that. It was a very soft sound. I sat up and thought, “hmm, must’ve been the AC.” Then the nurse walked in telling me he was being worked on.
First sign: I last spoke with my love at 2a this morning. I told him I loved him and that he needed to rest and heal for me. He replied “Okay. I love you too. See you later.” I told him I was right down the hall in the waiting room. I left him and went to rest for an hour. I was alone with just the vending machines. As I dozed, I heard an odd, soft “whoosh” or "pah" or something similar to birds wings flapping but not as hard as that. It was a very soft sound. I sat up and thought, “hmm, must’ve been the AC.” Then the nurse walked in telling me he was being worked on.
Second sign: My husband has gone by 2 names all his life. I call him Charlie
and his family calls him Allen. His name is Charles Allen Johnston but
the Social Sec stuff that comes in the mail is addressed to Allen C.
Johnston. About an hour or so after I was given the dreadful news, I
began feeling weak, shaky, and light headed. I opted to go downstairs
to the ER to get checked out before gathering the strength to meet with
family and see my love one last time. The nurse who checked my blood
sugar levels was wearing a nametag that said, “Alan C.”
Third sign: After taking care of business, saying my goodbyes, and scolding my love for leaving me here so soon, I looked at the clock and realized I had time to go home for a change of clothes and go to church. There was nothing more for me to do at the hospital and I needed my church family. Midway through the service, a special prayer was said for me and Ms. Polly Hutchinson who is laying her husband to rest tomorrow.
The songs today were
1. God’s Not Dead (first words are "Let Love and Explode and Bring the Dead to Life")
2. Lion and the Lamb (starts with
4. Same Power (chorus: The same power that rose Jesus from the grave
The same power that commands the dead to wake)
5. At the Cross (Love Ran Red)
6. The Love of God
The sermon was based on Hebrews 2:5-9 “The Greater King”.
A. Jesus is King over the world to come. (vs.5-8a)
B. Jesus is King over the world today. (vs.8b)
C. Jesus is King over DEATH!! (v.9a)
D. Jesus is King over salvation. (v.9b)
Fourth sign: At the end of the service, our pastor search committee made an announcement regarding the two year search for a pastor to lead our church. The they have called? His name is Charley. On the day my husband dies, and I go to church, the new pastors name is Charley.
Coincidence? I don't think so. I believe these signs to be divine messages. There was entirely too much for it to be coincidence within just a few hours.
“For I know Who holds tomorrow, and I know Who holds my hand.”
Third sign: After taking care of business, saying my goodbyes, and scolding my love for leaving me here so soon, I looked at the clock and realized I had time to go home for a change of clothes and go to church. There was nothing more for me to do at the hospital and I needed my church family. Midway through the service, a special prayer was said for me and Ms. Polly Hutchinson who is laying her husband to rest tomorrow.
The songs today were
1. God’s Not Dead (first words are "Let Love and Explode and Bring the Dead to Life")
2. Lion and the Lamb (starts with
He's coming on the clouds, kings and kingdoms will bow down
And every chain will break, as broken hearts declare His praise
Who can stop the Lord Almighty?)
3. Grace GraceAnd every chain will break, as broken hearts declare His praise
Who can stop the Lord Almighty?)
4. Same Power (chorus: The same power that rose Jesus from the grave
The same power that commands the dead to wake)
5. At the Cross (Love Ran Red)
6. The Love of God
The sermon was based on Hebrews 2:5-9 “The Greater King”.
A. Jesus is King over the world to come. (vs.5-8a)
B. Jesus is King over the world today. (vs.8b)
C. Jesus is King over DEATH!! (v.9a)
D. Jesus is King over salvation. (v.9b)
Fourth sign: At the end of the service, our pastor search committee made an announcement regarding the two year search for a pastor to lead our church. The they have called? His name is Charley. On the day my husband dies, and I go to church, the new pastors name is Charley.
Coincidence? I don't think so. I believe these signs to be divine messages. There was entirely too much for it to be coincidence within just a few hours.
“For I know Who holds tomorrow, and I know Who holds my hand.”
2018, Feb 19 - Margaret's Utility room floor
Early in my relationship with Charlie, my former mother in law had an issue with her laundry room floor caving in. She had given birth to 11 children, 7 of whom were big strapping sons. Not ONE of them would assist her with this laundry room floor, even of the two that were living with her!
I talked to my Charlie about it and volunteered his services. He wasn't happy about me volunteering him but he went along with it. So, we went and looked at her laundry room and he determined how much plywood would be needed for the job. We went to the Home Depot and bought the needed materials, returned to her home, and he went to work. It wasn't a very big room and only needed about 2 pcs of 3/4 inch plywood. He cut and nailed them into place and that was that.
The point I'm trying to make here is, he didn't have to do that. He didn't know this lady but he knew that I was once married to her son. He could have said, "Why doesn't he do this?" but he never did. I believe it was at that time (or around that time) that I realized what kind of man he was, how much I loved and adored him, and that I did not want to let him go.
Charlie, I'm so proud of you, the man you were, & the man I love.
I talked to my Charlie about it and volunteered his services. He wasn't happy about me volunteering him but he went along with it. So, we went and looked at her laundry room and he determined how much plywood would be needed for the job. We went to the Home Depot and bought the needed materials, returned to her home, and he went to work. It wasn't a very big room and only needed about 2 pcs of 3/4 inch plywood. He cut and nailed them into place and that was that.
The point I'm trying to make here is, he didn't have to do that. He didn't know this lady but he knew that I was once married to her son. He could have said, "Why doesn't he do this?" but he never did. I believe it was at that time (or around that time) that I realized what kind of man he was, how much I loved and adored him, and that I did not want to let him go.
Charlie, I'm so proud of you, the man you were, & the man I love.
Feb 18, 2018
2018, Feb 18 - God Signs 2
It's been two weeks today that he passed over. I wonder if I'll ever stop watching the calendar or the clock. About a month ago, I said a prayer. My prayer at the time was simply to let others see Jesus in me. I guess I thought that would be through something simple, like in community service or my getting back into singing. I never imagined that it would be through my grief.
1. On the way to church this morning, I missed my exit and had to get off at the next one. I was pleasantly surprised that my light was green and did not need to stop. But when the next light ... and the next light ... and 3 more were ALL green, I told my girls, "Look! Jesus is saying hello!" and then the last light was coming up. I told them, "Watch that light. It's too far to stay green. It's gonna turn red before we get there." But it didn't! It stayed green and we zoomed right through it.
2. We got to church and got out of the truck. They bebopped in without a care while I began to have my breakdown just a few steps later. I was a blubbering mess before and during the entire worship service. Every single song seemed to have been personally chosen for me!
3. If you don't know already, my husband was a tinkerer (and collector/hoarder). I sometimes called him my Tinkerbell. He would roll his eyes and snarl at me when I did. Since he's gone, there are multiple tinker projects around the property that I need to take care of. One of them is a big ol' Farm Pro tractor. It was running last year but I knew nothing of its history or what he was trying to do with it. So, I listed the thing and had some potential buyers to look at it today. The 3rd ones to show up brought their tools and stuff with them. They worked on this tractor for 4 hours to get it running. I sat there and watched them the whole time. And the whole time I watched them, I was bombarded by memories of him working on that old tractor and me standing by handing him the tools. Several times while sitting there watching, I would have a moment and remove myself to cry a bit, have a panic attack, calm down, and then come back to watch them some more. It was like I needed a "fix". I had to keep watching them to gain more memories. Later tonight, after sharing this experienWce in another forum, I received the following message.
"Cynthia, I first met you through post late last night and I thought about you a few times since then. I admire the strength you have .. You might not realize how strong you are ..Your faith is amazing and the first place you turned after your loss was your church service ... Now you find the strength to appreciate memories while watching others do what your husband once did ..I admire you so much. I am still too weak to rely on faith alone and it leaves me vulnerable and resentful .. I hope to have your faith one day. I am still too weak to imagine watching someone get my husband's tractor running..I admire your ability to harness the good memories and allow moments of weakness just to return to harnessing the good. I hope to find happiness in memories soon.. Your strength gives me hope."
I don't know what to think of this message. I feel alone in this journey and definitely weak, though I strive to be strong for the girls. I know there are others out there struggling with the same type of grief, and each of us feels as if we are alone in our personal hell. But I can't help but wonder if this message is an acknowledgment from God that he heard my prayer and is doing something within me.
Feb 17, 2018
2018 Feb 17 - Two weeks
Two weeks ago, I held your hand, heard your voice, and kissed your lips for one last time. Two weeks.
I miss you so much. I miss the way you used to say I was so gullible. I miss the way you used to say that I had the most kissable lips. I miss your teasing. Your goosing my butt. Your big hairy arms around me. The look in your eyes when you would say, "I feel a stirrin' in my loins."
I know this blog post will be read by others. Probably church people. I don't care. We had private moments but I want to remember them and the only way I can is by typing or writing them down. I don't want to hide them.
I brought your ashes home yesterday. I didn't expect them to be so heavy. You weight about the same as a good sized cinder block. Maybe I SHOULD have expected it.
I'm wracking my brain trying to remember all the fun things we did together. Just daily activities and little things you used to say.
Remembering our How We Met story to the old Cemetery dates to the dancing by the roadside in the middle of nowhere.
Remembering our first weekend together. We met on a Friday night, then went to New Orleans and Gramercy for the bonfires on the levee. I remember you getting a little aggravated at me because I don't do PDA. I remember the extensive one-sided telephone conversations we had. Then our many, many dates.
We got married in the backyard Gazebo of a local JP followed by a "reception" at Chuck E. Cheese's when we went to my nephew's birthday party. LOL We had many weekends away, going to Cozumel for our 10th wedding anniversary. You didn't want to do a cruise. You said, "I work offshore and you wanna take a CRUISE?" And you went anyway. It was my first ever cruise.
A few years later, we went to New Orleans via Amtrak. It was my first ever train ride and though it was short, it was great! We walked ALL OVER the French Quarter!
You took me and the girls to Alaska for 2 weeks during our summer vacation. It was my first ever plane ride! I remember how you laughed at me when we first took off from New Orleans and then HOW YOU LAUGHED when we landed in Houston!
I remember arguments in the truck on the way back from an inspection job in Birmingham, Alabama. Oh, how we argued that day. We never argued much but on THAT day it was bad. We got home and we were both acting like idiots. I reached over to flick you ball cap of your heard and apparently I hit your glasses too. You went after me like a linebacker. You never hit me, but you made your point clear, you'd had enough. The girls got scared and ran out of the house.
Then we calmed down and talked to the girls about our behavior and how the way were acting was wrong. I was so proud that we could do that together and show them a unified team. We never acted that way again.
I'm scared to be alone now. I'm scared that I'll be alone for the rest of my living life. I know I can't have you back, but what do I do now? I miss you. I'll miss and love you forever.
Love,
Sunshine
I miss you so much. I miss the way you used to say I was so gullible. I miss the way you used to say that I had the most kissable lips. I miss your teasing. Your goosing my butt. Your big hairy arms around me. The look in your eyes when you would say, "I feel a stirrin' in my loins."
I know this blog post will be read by others. Probably church people. I don't care. We had private moments but I want to remember them and the only way I can is by typing or writing them down. I don't want to hide them.
I brought your ashes home yesterday. I didn't expect them to be so heavy. You weight about the same as a good sized cinder block. Maybe I SHOULD have expected it.
I'm wracking my brain trying to remember all the fun things we did together. Just daily activities and little things you used to say.
Remembering our How We Met story to the old Cemetery dates to the dancing by the roadside in the middle of nowhere.
Remembering our first weekend together. We met on a Friday night, then went to New Orleans and Gramercy for the bonfires on the levee. I remember you getting a little aggravated at me because I don't do PDA. I remember the extensive one-sided telephone conversations we had. Then our many, many dates.
We got married in the backyard Gazebo of a local JP followed by a "reception" at Chuck E. Cheese's when we went to my nephew's birthday party. LOL We had many weekends away, going to Cozumel for our 10th wedding anniversary. You didn't want to do a cruise. You said, "I work offshore and you wanna take a CRUISE?" And you went anyway. It was my first ever cruise.
A few years later, we went to New Orleans via Amtrak. It was my first ever train ride and though it was short, it was great! We walked ALL OVER the French Quarter!
You took me and the girls to Alaska for 2 weeks during our summer vacation. It was my first ever plane ride! I remember how you laughed at me when we first took off from New Orleans and then HOW YOU LAUGHED when we landed in Houston!
I remember arguments in the truck on the way back from an inspection job in Birmingham, Alabama. Oh, how we argued that day. We never argued much but on THAT day it was bad. We got home and we were both acting like idiots. I reached over to flick you ball cap of your heard and apparently I hit your glasses too. You went after me like a linebacker. You never hit me, but you made your point clear, you'd had enough. The girls got scared and ran out of the house.
Then we calmed down and talked to the girls about our behavior and how the way were acting was wrong. I was so proud that we could do that together and show them a unified team. We never acted that way again.
I'm scared to be alone now. I'm scared that I'll be alone for the rest of my living life. I know I can't have you back, but what do I do now? I miss you. I'll miss and love you forever.
Love,
Sunshine
Feb 13, 2018
2018, Feb 9-13
I really don't remember much of this weekend. Trina left, Dana left, Mom hung around for a few extra days, and I just went through the motions, I think. I honestly don't remember.
Tonight, though, is the first night back home since Charlie passed. We got up this morning and I took them to Mama's restaurant in Gonzales, where Charlie would take me sometimes when he had an inspection down that way. While we were there, the funeral services called and told me that Charlie's cremains were ready to be picked up. She said they were in St. Amant but they would transport them to Walker and I could pick them up there later this week if I chose.
At first, I considered going to get him so we could return home as a family, the way we left, though a little different. Then, I decided that I was mad at him, and that he could sit and stew a few days until I came back this way again. He's not going anywhere.
The girls and I came home and unloaded some boxes of his books and photos. I cried a little. Then we left to take the girls to a grief counselor session. They seem to be doing fine for now but I just wanted to get them in there for an "emotional well check". Seems like I'm the one who needs the counseling.
I'm so tired. I'm having frequent dizzy spells. Usually just while watching TV or playing piano. I haven't noticed it when I'm driving. I have an appointment to see my GP on the 21st but I'm wondering if I should wait that long. It's likely just lack of sleep. I've been sleeping only in 3 - 4 hour spurts.
Tonight, I plan to sleep in my recliner. I don't want to go to my bed knowing he's not there and will never be there again. I want to be close to him, but I don't. If I'm close, it hurts. I cry and I get a headache and my chest will hurt. I have his camo shirt hanging on the bedpost at the foot of the bed. I grab it and inhale deeply of his smell when I go by, but it's painful too. It makes me miss him even more.
Tonight, though, is the first night back home since Charlie passed. We got up this morning and I took them to Mama's restaurant in Gonzales, where Charlie would take me sometimes when he had an inspection down that way. While we were there, the funeral services called and told me that Charlie's cremains were ready to be picked up. She said they were in St. Amant but they would transport them to Walker and I could pick them up there later this week if I chose.
At first, I considered going to get him so we could return home as a family, the way we left, though a little different. Then, I decided that I was mad at him, and that he could sit and stew a few days until I came back this way again. He's not going anywhere.
The girls and I came home and unloaded some boxes of his books and photos. I cried a little. Then we left to take the girls to a grief counselor session. They seem to be doing fine for now but I just wanted to get them in there for an "emotional well check". Seems like I'm the one who needs the counseling.
I'm so tired. I'm having frequent dizzy spells. Usually just while watching TV or playing piano. I haven't noticed it when I'm driving. I have an appointment to see my GP on the 21st but I'm wondering if I should wait that long. It's likely just lack of sleep. I've been sleeping only in 3 - 4 hour spurts.
Tonight, I plan to sleep in my recliner. I don't want to go to my bed knowing he's not there and will never be there again. I want to be close to him, but I don't. If I'm close, it hurts. I cry and I get a headache and my chest will hurt. I have his camo shirt hanging on the bedpost at the foot of the bed. I grab it and inhale deeply of his smell when I go by, but it's painful too. It makes me miss him even more.
2018, Feb 6-8, The Funeral
Tuesday was spent with my family. I'm sure there was some other stuff I did but I can't remember now.
Wednesday, my sister Trina came over from Georgia and took me and the girls shopping for some clothing for the funeral. She even bought me some water resistant makeup to hide the redness of my rosacea. I spent nearly 4 hours Wednesday night putting together a slideshow for my husband's funeral.
We arrived at the church at 9:15 a.m. I wanted to get the tables set up with his book display before the funeral service brought him in. Since he was an avid reader, and had a ton of books, I chose to share his love of reading with the congregation.
When they brought him in, I didn't want to see him at first. And then I did. He didn't look quite like I expected. They had put makeup on him. They said his face was really discolored. I thought he looked really good, though I joked that he would hate the makeup. He had strong feelings about certain lifestyles.
Then I stood and stared, and cried, and rubbed his arm the whole time. Others came to view him and I would have to stop rubbing his arm and move out of the way. I had included his ex-wife in the obituary and extended an invitation to her to attend the funeral service if she chose to. I didn't expect the feelings I felt when I saw her.
After the service, I guess it was all over then. We went back to the hotel room, packed up our things, and got ready to leave the next morning. Trina had to leave for home and I went to Dana's in Gonzales.
Wednesday, my sister Trina came over from Georgia and took me and the girls shopping for some clothing for the funeral. She even bought me some water resistant makeup to hide the redness of my rosacea. I spent nearly 4 hours Wednesday night putting together a slideshow for my husband's funeral.
We arrived at the church at 9:15 a.m. I wanted to get the tables set up with his book display before the funeral service brought him in. Since he was an avid reader, and had a ton of books, I chose to share his love of reading with the congregation.
When they brought him in, I didn't want to see him at first. And then I did. He didn't look quite like I expected. They had put makeup on him. They said his face was really discolored. I thought he looked really good, though I joked that he would hate the makeup. He had strong feelings about certain lifestyles.
Then I stood and stared, and cried, and rubbed his arm the whole time. Others came to view him and I would have to stop rubbing his arm and move out of the way. I had included his ex-wife in the obituary and extended an invitation to her to attend the funeral service if she chose to. I didn't expect the feelings I felt when I saw her.
After the service, I guess it was all over then. We went back to the hotel room, packed up our things, and got ready to leave the next morning. Trina had to leave for home and I went to Dana's in Gonzales.
Feb 12, 2018
2018, Feb 5, Monday
I met with Nathan, Tracy, Brandy, and Josh at the Funeral services office to discuss plans for Charlie. It was a short meeting. It felt really cold and business like, though the director was very compassionate. Tracy was the warmest person there. Everyone else seemed really reserved and distant. It took be back to the junior high days of me of being the last person picked for the dodgeball team.
For 20 years I was married to this man. 20 years of loving this man. 20 years of Thanksgivings and Christmases. And during those 20 years, saw the kids most Thanksgivings and Christmases and on some special occasions. I knew he spoke to Tracy on the phone at least weekly. I don't know about the others so much. I wondered about them sometimes. But none of them ever called ME. None of them ever reached out to ME.
And now, I have to deal with them to make final arrangements for their father. Was I doing every thing right? Would I make someone mad? Will they turn on me later? Will they hate me? Did they always hate me?
After the funeral meeting, I took my girls up the road for lunch. Both Melody and I were feeling sick. From there, we went home. Home. Where he is not. Where he will never be again. The "boys" met me out there to look at the driveway Charlie never got around to fixing. I was so mad at him for so long about that. I was so mad at him for never finishing his projects. I didn't realize that his back hurt him so bad for so long. I'm sorry I was so mad at him.
I met the boys at the house. They walked around and looked at all the unfinished projects. The unfinished driveway that the ambulance couldn't drive through. I don't know what was going through their minds. They never voiced their thoughts to me but I wish they had.
For 20 years I was married to this man. 20 years of loving this man. 20 years of Thanksgivings and Christmases. And during those 20 years, saw the kids most Thanksgivings and Christmases and on some special occasions. I knew he spoke to Tracy on the phone at least weekly. I don't know about the others so much. I wondered about them sometimes. But none of them ever called ME. None of them ever reached out to ME.
And now, I have to deal with them to make final arrangements for their father. Was I doing every thing right? Would I make someone mad? Will they turn on me later? Will they hate me? Did they always hate me?
After the funeral meeting, I took my girls up the road for lunch. Both Melody and I were feeling sick. From there, we went home. Home. Where he is not. Where he will never be again. The "boys" met me out there to look at the driveway Charlie never got around to fixing. I was so mad at him for so long about that. I was so mad at him for never finishing his projects. I didn't realize that his back hurt him so bad for so long. I'm sorry I was so mad at him.
I met the boys at the house. They walked around and looked at all the unfinished projects. The unfinished driveway that the ambulance couldn't drive through. I don't know what was going through their minds. They never voiced their thoughts to me but I wish they had.
2018, Feb 4, 3a.m., Sunday.
I last spoke with my love, held his hand, and kissed his head at 2 a.m. this morning. I prayed over him. My grandmother's words came to me when she told me how her husband passed away. "How much longer?" Why would I think of that right now? Why would I be repeating those words while I hold my husband's hand? It's not his time! I shrugged it off and resumed praying for him. He was struggling and fighting. It was so hard to watch and EVEN THEN I didn't realize what was happening. I thought he was getting better. The nurse, Karen, told me they had called for dialysis. Why? I don't understand. He was getting better! Earlier in the day, his kidney (creatinine) levels were 1.96 after coming down from 2.54. (Normal levels, which is what he had before the heart attack, are 1 and under. His was at .8). When those higher numbers were coming down, I thought that meant he was getting better. When Karen told me they'd called for dialysis, I didn't get it. I didn't understand. If only I'd known. I would have held his hand longer. I would have told him I loved him even more. I would have asked him important questions. I would have prayed harder. I would have called his family earlier. If only I'd known. I wish I'd known.
He looked up at me with those big baby blues and asked me if they were working on the transfer. "Are they moving me? I need to get to the VA Hospital." I said, "Yes. They are." I told him that they were labeling tubes and wires, and they're getting him ready to go. I said to him, "Babe, you need to relax and rest so your body can heal for me. I need to you to heal and come home to me. The girls love you and need their daddy. I need you. I love you." Then I told him that I needed to get out of nurse Karen's way. She was buzzing all around and I kept having to move to get out of her way. I told him I would be in the waiting room and she would come get me if she needed me for anything. I told him again that I love him. He said, “Okay. I love you too. See you later.” Then I left him! How STUPID can a person be? WHAT kind of wife am I? I LEFT HIM!!!! I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM!!! I was just so tired and thought it would be okay to go to the waiting room and get a little rest before going back to be with him.
When I got to the waiting room, it was around 2:10 a.m. Something deep within me came bubbling up and out sounding like a desperate wail, a howl almost, and I began crying hard and loud. I was alone. No one seems to hear me. I don't know why I was crying so hard. I thought I was just overtired. I'd been awake for over 30 hours and hadn't really eaten. Even crying, I settled down a little and laid down to try to nap, fully intending to get up again in a few minutes and go back in to see him. I don't know how long I dozed off an on, but as I did so, I heard an odd, soft “whoosh” or "pah" sound, kind of like soft birds wings flapping. I sat up, looked at an AC vent, and thought, “That was strange.” A door opened and the nurse walked in.
She said to me, "He stopped breathing. We called an ER trauma doctor up. They're working on him now. You need to come with us." They took me to a smaller, private, family room where they told me to wait. They said the doctor would be in to talk to me in a minute. They walked out and left me alone again. I still had hope that he was going to be okay. I was still thinking that they're gonna come back and tell me he was breathing and the next 24 hours were touch and go. I'm still hanging on to that hope. I don't know how long they left me there. About 20 minutes I think. I had time to make 4 phone calls and tell his kids and family to get there ASAP. I was in a daze.
Then the doctor came in. She sat down next to me, took my hand in hers, and told me those horrible words. "I'm sorry. I did everything I could." What? What do you mean? How dare you say that! How can you sit there so calmly and tell me that! I feel like shouting at her, "No! You did not! You did NOT do everything you could! You LET him GO!" but I could not form the words. I could only put my hands to my face and fall to my knees on the floor. They put their arms around me and said they were sorry but what good is that? My husband has left me. He's gone. He no longer exists. He is not there anymore and is not coming home. What do I do now? How do I live without him? How do I survive? How do I breathe? How do I BE?
Then the most amazing thing happened. The doctor and the nurses .... left me. They LEFT ME in that room ALL ALONE ... to process the information they just gave me. ALL ALONE on my knees on that family room floor. I stretched out face down on the floor. I have no strength to stand up or sit in that chair. I feel sick. Where's the trash can? I'm going to throw up.
I don't know how much time went by but somehow, I finally got up and shuffled to the nurses desk to ask for someone to come sit with me. I told them I felt light headed and weak. I hadn't been eating all week and I told them that it may be low blood sugar. They asked if I needed to go downstairs to be evaluated. I just shook my head no. I slowly shuffled back to the family room. A nurse returned with some orange juice and a turkey sandwich. She left again.
I stared at it for a while and finally took one bite. The door opened and his oldest son Nathan came in. I made eye contact with him and started crying and shaking uncontrollably. He came to me, hugged me, and held my hand. How can I tell him? How do I say to another person that one they love is dead? A nurse came in and asked me "Do you want to tell him?" I couldn't speak past this boulder in my throat, so I shook my head no, and she began talking to him. I vaguely remember hearing her tell him something about a blood clot. Nathan held my hand the whole time she spoke. He was so calm. How can he be so calm right now? This nurse is telling him his father is dead. I'm glad he's calm. He's like a rock. I need a rock. My rock is gone.
Not long after, my Charlie's sister came in with her husband. Nathan had to tell her the news. I still can't speak. Then everyone else arrived and Nathan assumed the role of being the one in charge. I couldn't. I can't function. The nurses told us that they were going to clean Charlie up so we could see him and say our goodbyes. I wanted to see him right then but they wouldn't let me.
I waited a little longer for my girls to arrive. When I had called everyone earlier, I told Sam not to tell them anything. I would do it when they got there. I had to be the one to tell them. I didn't want anyone else to. Melody came in and already knew. She was crying before she walked in the room. I just hugged her. She's a smart girl. She figured it out on the drive over. Mariah still didn't know or couldn't or wouldn't process what was happening. I sat her down, took her hands in mine, looked into those eyes identical to her father's and, for the first time I was able to speak, told her, "Baby. Your Daddy is gone. He died." That's all I could say. She stared at me. No facial expression or emotion. Just stared at me. I could see the question in her eyes. The "Are you joking with me right now? Are you kidding me? Are you serious?" question. I said to her, "Baby, your Daddy has gone to heaven." And I blacked out.
I vaguely remember telling someone I need to go downstairs to the ER. I felt weak, shakey, my heart was pounding, I couldn't focus, and even just being in the wheelchair made me dizzy. The nurse wheeled me past his room to get to the hall to the ER. I couldn't look at his room. I turned my head away. They took me to a conference room instead of an exam room. That's weird. Why? I laid down on a couch with my feet up. Someone was holding my hand the entire time. I don't know who it was. Someone else gave me crackers and cranberry juice. Some time passed, I don't know how much, and I began to feel physically able to tackle this cruel life lesson I had just been handed. Though still weak kneed, I had a new strength. They pronounced him at 3:15a and I believe it was pushing 7a by the time I left the ER.
I went back up to the ICU waiting room where the rest of the family was waiting. Others had arrived and were waiting for me to return. We then took turns going in to see him and say good bye. I went in with my girls. They were both so upset and said it wasn't fair. They cried that they didn't get to see him and say goodbye. I told them they did. They had seen him and spoken to him the day before. He had told them that he would make beignets for them when he got home. Everyone left the room and I stayed last for a bit. Alone. Holding his hand, petting his arm, he was still warm. I began talking to him. Yelling at him for leaving us so soon. We had so much left to do! I hit him on his shoulder and told him, "You were not supposed to do this to me! We always said it would be me first!"
After a while, I got up and went out to the nurses station to sign the body release. Then I went back to him. Held his hand again, gave him a kiss on his big old head, and finally told him, "I'm leaving babe. I have to go take care of things now. I love you." and I turned to go. I turned back and just saw the top of his head around the curtain. I took a step to go to him one more time but decided not to and turned back to the door. As I opened the door to go out, his son Nathan was coming to get me and he escorted me back to the waiting area. I told everyone that there was nothing more to do here at the hospital. We had all said our good byes. He was gone. In no more pain.
We made plans to meet the next day. Nathan had already made the appointment with the funeral home. I'm glad he took care of that. I looked around at all of them. They were all looking at me. As if I needed to give them directions or something. I wanted the same thing from one of them. Someone to tell me what to do next. I took a deep breath and told them that I needed to go to church. What? Where did that come from? For some reason, I felt like that's where I needed to be. I needed to leave the hospital, go home and change my clothes, and I needed to go to church with my church family. I asked the girls if they wanted to go with me. They said no and I made arrangements for them to go with other family members until I could meet up with them again later that afternoon. They're so strong! They're going to be strong young women! I need them to be. I cried all through the church service and then went to my sister's house for the next few days.
He looked up at me with those big baby blues and asked me if they were working on the transfer. "Are they moving me? I need to get to the VA Hospital." I said, "Yes. They are." I told him that they were labeling tubes and wires, and they're getting him ready to go. I said to him, "Babe, you need to relax and rest so your body can heal for me. I need to you to heal and come home to me. The girls love you and need their daddy. I need you. I love you." Then I told him that I needed to get out of nurse Karen's way. She was buzzing all around and I kept having to move to get out of her way. I told him I would be in the waiting room and she would come get me if she needed me for anything. I told him again that I love him. He said, “Okay. I love you too. See you later.” Then I left him! How STUPID can a person be? WHAT kind of wife am I? I LEFT HIM!!!! I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM!!! I was just so tired and thought it would be okay to go to the waiting room and get a little rest before going back to be with him.
When I got to the waiting room, it was around 2:10 a.m. Something deep within me came bubbling up and out sounding like a desperate wail, a howl almost, and I began crying hard and loud. I was alone. No one seems to hear me. I don't know why I was crying so hard. I thought I was just overtired. I'd been awake for over 30 hours and hadn't really eaten. Even crying, I settled down a little and laid down to try to nap, fully intending to get up again in a few minutes and go back in to see him. I don't know how long I dozed off an on, but as I did so, I heard an odd, soft “whoosh” or "pah" sound, kind of like soft birds wings flapping. I sat up, looked at an AC vent, and thought, “That was strange.” A door opened and the nurse walked in.
She said to me, "He stopped breathing. We called an ER trauma doctor up. They're working on him now. You need to come with us." They took me to a smaller, private, family room where they told me to wait. They said the doctor would be in to talk to me in a minute. They walked out and left me alone again. I still had hope that he was going to be okay. I was still thinking that they're gonna come back and tell me he was breathing and the next 24 hours were touch and go. I'm still hanging on to that hope. I don't know how long they left me there. About 20 minutes I think. I had time to make 4 phone calls and tell his kids and family to get there ASAP. I was in a daze.
Then the doctor came in. She sat down next to me, took my hand in hers, and told me those horrible words. "I'm sorry. I did everything I could." What? What do you mean? How dare you say that! How can you sit there so calmly and tell me that! I feel like shouting at her, "No! You did not! You did NOT do everything you could! You LET him GO!" but I could not form the words. I could only put my hands to my face and fall to my knees on the floor. They put their arms around me and said they were sorry but what good is that? My husband has left me. He's gone. He no longer exists. He is not there anymore and is not coming home. What do I do now? How do I live without him? How do I survive? How do I breathe? How do I BE?
Then the most amazing thing happened. The doctor and the nurses .... left me. They LEFT ME in that room ALL ALONE ... to process the information they just gave me. ALL ALONE on my knees on that family room floor. I stretched out face down on the floor. I have no strength to stand up or sit in that chair. I feel sick. Where's the trash can? I'm going to throw up.
I don't know how much time went by but somehow, I finally got up and shuffled to the nurses desk to ask for someone to come sit with me. I told them I felt light headed and weak. I hadn't been eating all week and I told them that it may be low blood sugar. They asked if I needed to go downstairs to be evaluated. I just shook my head no. I slowly shuffled back to the family room. A nurse returned with some orange juice and a turkey sandwich. She left again.
I stared at it for a while and finally took one bite. The door opened and his oldest son Nathan came in. I made eye contact with him and started crying and shaking uncontrollably. He came to me, hugged me, and held my hand. How can I tell him? How do I say to another person that one they love is dead? A nurse came in and asked me "Do you want to tell him?" I couldn't speak past this boulder in my throat, so I shook my head no, and she began talking to him. I vaguely remember hearing her tell him something about a blood clot. Nathan held my hand the whole time she spoke. He was so calm. How can he be so calm right now? This nurse is telling him his father is dead. I'm glad he's calm. He's like a rock. I need a rock. My rock is gone.
Not long after, my Charlie's sister came in with her husband. Nathan had to tell her the news. I still can't speak. Then everyone else arrived and Nathan assumed the role of being the one in charge. I couldn't. I can't function. The nurses told us that they were going to clean Charlie up so we could see him and say our goodbyes. I wanted to see him right then but they wouldn't let me.
I waited a little longer for my girls to arrive. When I had called everyone earlier, I told Sam not to tell them anything. I would do it when they got there. I had to be the one to tell them. I didn't want anyone else to. Melody came in and already knew. She was crying before she walked in the room. I just hugged her. She's a smart girl. She figured it out on the drive over. Mariah still didn't know or couldn't or wouldn't process what was happening. I sat her down, took her hands in mine, looked into those eyes identical to her father's and, for the first time I was able to speak, told her, "Baby. Your Daddy is gone. He died." That's all I could say. She stared at me. No facial expression or emotion. Just stared at me. I could see the question in her eyes. The "Are you joking with me right now? Are you kidding me? Are you serious?" question. I said to her, "Baby, your Daddy has gone to heaven." And I blacked out.
I vaguely remember telling someone I need to go downstairs to the ER. I felt weak, shakey, my heart was pounding, I couldn't focus, and even just being in the wheelchair made me dizzy. The nurse wheeled me past his room to get to the hall to the ER. I couldn't look at his room. I turned my head away. They took me to a conference room instead of an exam room. That's weird. Why? I laid down on a couch with my feet up. Someone was holding my hand the entire time. I don't know who it was. Someone else gave me crackers and cranberry juice. Some time passed, I don't know how much, and I began to feel physically able to tackle this cruel life lesson I had just been handed. Though still weak kneed, I had a new strength. They pronounced him at 3:15a and I believe it was pushing 7a by the time I left the ER.
I went back up to the ICU waiting room where the rest of the family was waiting. Others had arrived and were waiting for me to return. We then took turns going in to see him and say good bye. I went in with my girls. They were both so upset and said it wasn't fair. They cried that they didn't get to see him and say goodbye. I told them they did. They had seen him and spoken to him the day before. He had told them that he would make beignets for them when he got home. Everyone left the room and I stayed last for a bit. Alone. Holding his hand, petting his arm, he was still warm. I began talking to him. Yelling at him for leaving us so soon. We had so much left to do! I hit him on his shoulder and told him, "You were not supposed to do this to me! We always said it would be me first!"
After a while, I got up and went out to the nurses station to sign the body release. Then I went back to him. Held his hand again, gave him a kiss on his big old head, and finally told him, "I'm leaving babe. I have to go take care of things now. I love you." and I turned to go. I turned back and just saw the top of his head around the curtain. I took a step to go to him one more time but decided not to and turned back to the door. As I opened the door to go out, his son Nathan was coming to get me and he escorted me back to the waiting area. I told everyone that there was nothing more to do here at the hospital. We had all said our good byes. He was gone. In no more pain.
We made plans to meet the next day. Nathan had already made the appointment with the funeral home. I'm glad he took care of that. I looked around at all of them. They were all looking at me. As if I needed to give them directions or something. I wanted the same thing from one of them. Someone to tell me what to do next. I took a deep breath and told them that I needed to go to church. What? Where did that come from? For some reason, I felt like that's where I needed to be. I needed to leave the hospital, go home and change my clothes, and I needed to go to church with my church family. I asked the girls if they wanted to go with me. They said no and I made arrangements for them to go with other family members until I could meet up with them again later that afternoon. They're so strong! They're going to be strong young women! I need them to be. I cried all through the church service and then went to my sister's house for the next few days.
Feb 11, 2018
2018, Feb 2&3, Friday & Saturday
I arrived back at the hospital that morning. There's really not much else to say here. I stayed by his bedside most of the day, watching monitors and taking notes. Nurse Frank was excellent in explaining things to me. My love talked and joked with us most of the day but later was getting uncomfortable and agitated. They gave him something to relax him and he began talking nonsense. in his sleep.
He'd wake up long enough to try to accept visitors. Sometimes, he'd doze while we were there. I'm sad that I didn't really get to talk to him much except the occasional "I love you" and "Please rest". Looking back, I should have, could have said and done so much more. If only I'd known.
On Friday night, at about 6 p.m, I had Melody with me. Since the night before was uneventful, I thought this night would be also. Melody and I went to eat at the local Cracker Barrel and then headed home. I had just pulled into the end of the driveway when the hospital called me to say that the love of my life had an elevated heart rate. The nurse said that he had a heart beat of 190 beats per minute and they had to shock him to get it down.
I was confused then and didn't know if I should stay home or go back to the hospital. Since I had Melody with me, I chose to stay home and sleep with my phone. We headed back to the hospital the second I opened my eyes Saturday morning.
All day Saturday, I was in and out of ICU. I'm such a stupid rule follower! When I went in, Nurse Frank was there again and told me that we needed to limit his visits this time. I said okay. And when his sons and older daughter came to visit him, I watched the clock. I was worried that their visits would tire him out. I went in once and gently asked them to go back to the waiting room in order to give him some rest. I regret doing so now. I wish we could have all just stood around his bedside. I'm so sorry for that.
Later that evening, everyone left but I chose to stay close by in the waiting room. Again, as a rule follower, I obeyed the posted ICU visitation times, not realizing that as his spouse, they didn't really apply to me. I went in and out of his room as the night nurse said it was okay. I would go up to the waiting room and try to rest a little then go back down to his room and pet his arm.
He'd wake up long enough to try to accept visitors. Sometimes, he'd doze while we were there. I'm sad that I didn't really get to talk to him much except the occasional "I love you" and "Please rest". Looking back, I should have, could have said and done so much more. If only I'd known.
On Friday night, at about 6 p.m, I had Melody with me. Since the night before was uneventful, I thought this night would be also. Melody and I went to eat at the local Cracker Barrel and then headed home. I had just pulled into the end of the driveway when the hospital called me to say that the love of my life had an elevated heart rate. The nurse said that he had a heart beat of 190 beats per minute and they had to shock him to get it down.
I was confused then and didn't know if I should stay home or go back to the hospital. Since I had Melody with me, I chose to stay home and sleep with my phone. We headed back to the hospital the second I opened my eyes Saturday morning.
All day Saturday, I was in and out of ICU. I'm such a stupid rule follower! When I went in, Nurse Frank was there again and told me that we needed to limit his visits this time. I said okay. And when his sons and older daughter came to visit him, I watched the clock. I was worried that their visits would tire him out. I went in once and gently asked them to go back to the waiting room in order to give him some rest. I regret doing so now. I wish we could have all just stood around his bedside. I'm so sorry for that.
Later that evening, everyone left but I chose to stay close by in the waiting room. Again, as a rule follower, I obeyed the posted ICU visitation times, not realizing that as his spouse, they didn't really apply to me. I went in and out of his room as the night nurse said it was okay. I would go up to the waiting room and try to rest a little then go back down to his room and pet his arm.
2018, Feb 1, Thursday, Part 2
The ambulance arrived and the paramedics stopped at the end of the driveway. It's a muddy mess and has been for years. It's been a real thorn in my side. Many, many times my Charlie would order a load of dirt or gravel and that would help things for a bit. But then more rain would come and it would be a mess again. So, the ambulance arrives and the paramedic told me they cannot drive through mud. There were two female paramedics.
They got out of the vehicle, got their equipment and stretcher, and made their way to the house. They approached my love sitting in his recliner and proceeded to get his vitals. They told him he was having a heart attack. They told him they had to get him up and to the stretcher. They told him he would have to help them. He said, "Give me just a minute." Then he pulled himself to the edge of the recliner and with their help stood up. His next words were, "I can't see!" He was totally blind. With their guidance, he shuffled to the front door of the house and down the 3 steps to the stretcher. They got him securely strapped on and turned back toward the ambulance.
I closed up the house, made sure the kids were in the truck, and turned around. These paramedics had my love stuck in the mud on the way back to the ambulance. They couldn't roll the stretcher. I got mad and approached it, grabbing the part by his feet and gave it a huge tug. I don't know where the strength came from, but all of a sudden, we were at the back of the ambulance. They asked which hospital did I want to go to. I said OLOL but that's a 45 minute drive on a good day. The next closest was North Oaks in Hammond, La. I've heard many things about North Oaks but shrugged it off. It's a hospital. How bad could it be? So, I told them to take him to North Oaks as it was the closest ER.
I went back to the Suburban, got it and pulled to the end of the driveway where I sat waiting on the paramedics to do their bit and get on the road. Once they were enroute, I could not keep up with them.
Arriving at the hospital, it was confirmed that my husband was having a heart attack. I was given a few minutes with him, answered a few questions, and then he was whisked out for a heart cath. Over an hour later, the doctor came to talk to me and told me he had 100% blockage in one artery and about 80% in another. They inserted 2 stents and told me that 2 more needed to be done but there was something about his kidneys were reacting to the dye used for the cath. That's how I understood it anyway.
Two hours later, he was in ICU. The first time I was allowed in to see him, I teased him. I told him, "Guess what! You get to go on a diet!" He smiled and turned to the nurse and teasingly replied, "Who is this woman? I don't know her!" I asked many questions and talked to him. Told him I'd called his sisters and older kids. He chastised me saying they didn't need to miss work for this and that his sisters would just worry. He started to argue about getting moved to the VA hospital in New Orleans. We talked about so many other things that I don't remember. The nurses were all around us. I was never able to ask my husband questions. I just signed what they put in front of me. I answered their questions to the best of my ability. I stayed with him for a while. But because I'm a dadgummed rule follower, when they said visiting hours were such and such, I made a point to be there at those times and no different. It never occurred to me that I could have stayed with him the entire time. I could have slept right there the whole time.
I left that night and went home to sleep. I thought about packing him a change of clothes but since he was in ICU, I knew he wouldn't need it until they told me something different.
They got out of the vehicle, got their equipment and stretcher, and made their way to the house. They approached my love sitting in his recliner and proceeded to get his vitals. They told him he was having a heart attack. They told him they had to get him up and to the stretcher. They told him he would have to help them. He said, "Give me just a minute." Then he pulled himself to the edge of the recliner and with their help stood up. His next words were, "I can't see!" He was totally blind. With their guidance, he shuffled to the front door of the house and down the 3 steps to the stretcher. They got him securely strapped on and turned back toward the ambulance.
I closed up the house, made sure the kids were in the truck, and turned around. These paramedics had my love stuck in the mud on the way back to the ambulance. They couldn't roll the stretcher. I got mad and approached it, grabbing the part by his feet and gave it a huge tug. I don't know where the strength came from, but all of a sudden, we were at the back of the ambulance. They asked which hospital did I want to go to. I said OLOL but that's a 45 minute drive on a good day. The next closest was North Oaks in Hammond, La. I've heard many things about North Oaks but shrugged it off. It's a hospital. How bad could it be? So, I told them to take him to North Oaks as it was the closest ER.
I went back to the Suburban, got it and pulled to the end of the driveway where I sat waiting on the paramedics to do their bit and get on the road. Once they were enroute, I could not keep up with them.
Arriving at the hospital, it was confirmed that my husband was having a heart attack. I was given a few minutes with him, answered a few questions, and then he was whisked out for a heart cath. Over an hour later, the doctor came to talk to me and told me he had 100% blockage in one artery and about 80% in another. They inserted 2 stents and told me that 2 more needed to be done but there was something about his kidneys were reacting to the dye used for the cath. That's how I understood it anyway.
Two hours later, he was in ICU. The first time I was allowed in to see him, I teased him. I told him, "Guess what! You get to go on a diet!" He smiled and turned to the nurse and teasingly replied, "Who is this woman? I don't know her!" I asked many questions and talked to him. Told him I'd called his sisters and older kids. He chastised me saying they didn't need to miss work for this and that his sisters would just worry. He started to argue about getting moved to the VA hospital in New Orleans. We talked about so many other things that I don't remember. The nurses were all around us. I was never able to ask my husband questions. I just signed what they put in front of me. I answered their questions to the best of my ability. I stayed with him for a while. But because I'm a dadgummed rule follower, when they said visiting hours were such and such, I made a point to be there at those times and no different. It never occurred to me that I could have stayed with him the entire time. I could have slept right there the whole time.
I left that night and went home to sleep. I thought about packing him a change of clothes but since he was in ICU, I knew he wouldn't need it until they told me something different.
2018, Feb 1, Thursday, Part 1
After his surgery, we were released to go home with instructions to leave his bandages for 3 days before showering. The goal was to keep the incision clean and dry. By the time we got home though, the bandages were saturated and we got worried. I got worried. We called the doctor and spoke with his surgery nurse who told us just to change the bandages, packing it tightly, and keep the incision, again, clean and dry. By the 29th, 6 days post-op, Charlie was feeling well enough to go out on an inspection job 2 1/2 hours away (one way). He couldn't drive yet because the doctor had not cleared him (that I know of) and beside, I wouldn't let him. So, I drove him over to do his thing and walked with him through the shop. He mentioned he was sore but fine. He finished his inspection and we enjoyed a lunch date before going home.
A few days later, on Wednesday, Jan 30, he didn't do much around the house. Just sat in his recliner, watching TV or doing his crosswords. He mentioned he didn't feel well. I asked about his incision and we checked it for infection. I didn't see anything amiss so we redressed it with clean bandages. I checked his temp for fever and he was running a low grade 99 but that wasn't too concerning because when I'm healthy, I run a 99 in the afternoon. So, we thought nothing of it.
On Thursday morning, we got up to go for one more inspection run. Again, we had to go to the job site 2 1/2 hours away. It was 55 degrees. He walked the 100 feet out to where I had parked the truck at the end of my very muddy driveway. He mentioned feeling a little dizzy and thought that was odd. Then it passed and he said he was fine. We left a little later than we should have and got stuck in traffic. He was patiently sitting in the passenger seat, making his phone calls, checking his emails, etc. I believe I actually began having a panic attack complete with a shooting pain across my shoulder blades, shortness of breath, AND lightheadedness. Was I having a heart attack, panic attack, or coming down with something? And it passed within moments.
We finally got out of the traffic and settled into the drive. Along the way, we talked about different things but the oddest question came out of his mouth. He asked me what would I like to do with the 40 acres of property we own. I nearly jumped out of the driver's seat in shock! He'd NEVER asked me what I wanted!!! After the initial, eyes wide opened look at him, I told him, "Well, I don't know. Do you have any suggestions?" Then he went into this little spiel about selling the timber off the property and getting a new vehicle. Both of ours are pushing the limits and I needed a new ride for myself and our girls. Melody will be ready for Driver's Ed this fall and will need a car (or something) as well. I jokingly said we could wrap the Suburban in bubble wrap. We also talked about getting the motorhome finished for the Alaska roadtrip that he wanted to go on so badly. The 2017 Summer plans hadn't worked out and he was determined to get to it this year.
The entire ride, I still felt like I couldn't breath deep enough. Couldn't get enough air into my lungs, below the bottom rib. When we got there, he went into the shop and leaned back for a nap. Approximately 45 minutes later, he came out. I woke up when he opened the door and leaned into the truck, taking deep breaths. He was sweating as if he'd just finished a run or hard hike. It was 55 degrees. I asked him if he was okay and he replied that he had to climb two flights of stairs and take two trips into the shop. He said he thought he'd just over did it. He mentioned being light headed again and shook his head. Then he got into the truck.
I asked again if he was okay. He said, "Just give me a minute." A minute (or so) later, he made some phone calls and then handed me his phone. He asked me to type an email to the project manager regarding the inspection, which I did. Then he said, "Let's go get something to eat. Maybe I'm just hungry." We went to this cute little diner just up the road and at first, I wasn't sure they'd be open. It was only 10:30 a.m.
We arrived and he got out of the truck, took a few steps, and stopped. He was a little unsteady with lightheadedness again. He insisted that he needed something to eat. We ordered Chicken Fried Steak. We ate and left. This time, he said, "Maybe I need to go to the doctor." I replied, "Well, it's 11 a.m. and we're 2 1/2 hours from home. I have to pick the girls up from school today at 2:30." He said, "Okay, let's get closer to home."
We drove, talked as before, he had a concerned look on his face and kept teasing me about watching him instead of the road. We got back into our area and I asked if he still needed to go to the doctor. He said, "No. Just take me home. I think I just over did it today and I just need to rest." I said, "Okay". (Looking back, I should have taken him straight to the ER at OLOL)
We got home appx 1:30. He sat in his recliner and we discussed what to do about dinner. I said I was going to get the girls, take them to piano lessons, and we'd be home about 5:30 or 6. I walked out of the house and immediately turned around and went back in. Gave him a kiss and told him I loved him. He said he loved me too and get going.
About 10 minutes later, he called and asked me to get the girls and come back home to get him. He said, "I'm feeling really uncomfortable." Since I was arriving at the school a little early, I opted to skip the carpool line and check the girls out instead. I explained that it was an emergency. As soon as I had the girls, I called him to tell him I was headed back. He sounded quite a bit distressed then. (Looking back, I should have called an ambulance then).
I got home, got out of the Suburban, and heard a loud thump from inside the house. I ran in to find him on the bathroom floor. He was struggling to get up. He kept insisting that I "give him a minute", so I did. We managed to get him upright and to the recliner in the living room. Then I told him I was calling 911 for an ambulance. He argued with me and said that it would cost too much and to "give him a minute" so he could get to my truck. I told him at this point that he did not have a choice, I was calling an ambulance.
A few days later, on Wednesday, Jan 30, he didn't do much around the house. Just sat in his recliner, watching TV or doing his crosswords. He mentioned he didn't feel well. I asked about his incision and we checked it for infection. I didn't see anything amiss so we redressed it with clean bandages. I checked his temp for fever and he was running a low grade 99 but that wasn't too concerning because when I'm healthy, I run a 99 in the afternoon. So, we thought nothing of it.
On Thursday morning, we got up to go for one more inspection run. Again, we had to go to the job site 2 1/2 hours away. It was 55 degrees. He walked the 100 feet out to where I had parked the truck at the end of my very muddy driveway. He mentioned feeling a little dizzy and thought that was odd. Then it passed and he said he was fine. We left a little later than we should have and got stuck in traffic. He was patiently sitting in the passenger seat, making his phone calls, checking his emails, etc. I believe I actually began having a panic attack complete with a shooting pain across my shoulder blades, shortness of breath, AND lightheadedness. Was I having a heart attack, panic attack, or coming down with something? And it passed within moments.
We finally got out of the traffic and settled into the drive. Along the way, we talked about different things but the oddest question came out of his mouth. He asked me what would I like to do with the 40 acres of property we own. I nearly jumped out of the driver's seat in shock! He'd NEVER asked me what I wanted!!! After the initial, eyes wide opened look at him, I told him, "Well, I don't know. Do you have any suggestions?" Then he went into this little spiel about selling the timber off the property and getting a new vehicle. Both of ours are pushing the limits and I needed a new ride for myself and our girls. Melody will be ready for Driver's Ed this fall and will need a car (or something) as well. I jokingly said we could wrap the Suburban in bubble wrap. We also talked about getting the motorhome finished for the Alaska roadtrip that he wanted to go on so badly. The 2017 Summer plans hadn't worked out and he was determined to get to it this year.
The entire ride, I still felt like I couldn't breath deep enough. Couldn't get enough air into my lungs, below the bottom rib. When we got there, he went into the shop and leaned back for a nap. Approximately 45 minutes later, he came out. I woke up when he opened the door and leaned into the truck, taking deep breaths. He was sweating as if he'd just finished a run or hard hike. It was 55 degrees. I asked him if he was okay and he replied that he had to climb two flights of stairs and take two trips into the shop. He said he thought he'd just over did it. He mentioned being light headed again and shook his head. Then he got into the truck.
I asked again if he was okay. He said, "Just give me a minute." A minute (or so) later, he made some phone calls and then handed me his phone. He asked me to type an email to the project manager regarding the inspection, which I did. Then he said, "Let's go get something to eat. Maybe I'm just hungry." We went to this cute little diner just up the road and at first, I wasn't sure they'd be open. It was only 10:30 a.m.
We arrived and he got out of the truck, took a few steps, and stopped. He was a little unsteady with lightheadedness again. He insisted that he needed something to eat. We ordered Chicken Fried Steak. We ate and left. This time, he said, "Maybe I need to go to the doctor." I replied, "Well, it's 11 a.m. and we're 2 1/2 hours from home. I have to pick the girls up from school today at 2:30." He said, "Okay, let's get closer to home."
We drove, talked as before, he had a concerned look on his face and kept teasing me about watching him instead of the road. We got back into our area and I asked if he still needed to go to the doctor. He said, "No. Just take me home. I think I just over did it today and I just need to rest." I said, "Okay". (Looking back, I should have taken him straight to the ER at OLOL)
We got home appx 1:30. He sat in his recliner and we discussed what to do about dinner. I said I was going to get the girls, take them to piano lessons, and we'd be home about 5:30 or 6. I walked out of the house and immediately turned around and went back in. Gave him a kiss and told him I loved him. He said he loved me too and get going.
About 10 minutes later, he called and asked me to get the girls and come back home to get him. He said, "I'm feeling really uncomfortable." Since I was arriving at the school a little early, I opted to skip the carpool line and check the girls out instead. I explained that it was an emergency. As soon as I had the girls, I called him to tell him I was headed back. He sounded quite a bit distressed then. (Looking back, I should have called an ambulance then).
I got home, got out of the Suburban, and heard a loud thump from inside the house. I ran in to find him on the bathroom floor. He was struggling to get up. He kept insisting that I "give him a minute", so I did. We managed to get him upright and to the recliner in the living room. Then I told him I was calling 911 for an ambulance. He argued with me and said that it would cost too much and to "give him a minute" so he could get to my truck. I told him at this point that he did not have a choice, I was calling an ambulance.
2017 Back history with my Charlie
It's funny how you don't really notice things happening along the way. But then you sit down and start looking back and wonder how someone lived with the pain for so long. My husband had been officially diagnosed with degenerative disk disease, spinal stenosis, scoliosis, and bone spurs. He'd had back surgery early in his adult life for collapsed discs. He also suffered with gout.
My mother reminded me that during the cleanup of her house in 2016, he worked hard but had to stop due to back pain. I had forgotten that. Then I started remembering even further back of the projects he would start but not finish due to back pain. I complained about him not coming to our girls concerts. I said to myself, "Oh, but if it was a danged football game he'd go." I didn't fully realize that he simply could not sit through the concerts. He was suffering even in 2014 during our family trip to Alaska. How did I miss it? Is it because it was so gradual? What kind of wife am I that I wasn't paying attention?
Fast forward to Jan 2017, my husband had neck surgery. Before the surgery, he went to multiple appointments at the local VA clinic. He was proud to be a veteran of the US Army. All of these appointments were to provide a base line for his health etc. Then he began experiencing some numbness in his arms and tingling in his hands. He went for an MRI and Xrays and the results showed he had some bone spurs that were growing off his vertebrate and irritating the nerves. He got all the pre-op clearances done, including a nuclear stress test (results showed "age related blockages" but nothing serious) and in January 2017, he underwent surgery for fusion and bone spur removal. He said it was the worst thing he'd ever gone through, even after had a back surgery 25 years earlier! But, he recovered and quickly got back into the swing of things. He began planning a summer roadtrip to Alaska and bought an old junked up motorhome to refurbish for the trip. He was never one to buy anything new.
Fast forward through summer, and the roadtrip that DIDN'T happen, and in August of 2017, his back was bothering him to the point that he began seeking surgery relief. He never TOLD me his back was bothering him. It was just something he silently endured and set up a strategy to deal with it. He pushed himself through all the normal daily activities, continuing with his work duties, and never complained. So, in August, he began setting up appointments to get this back surgery. We consulted with a surgeon at Tulane and were instructed to take a few days to make a decision on surgery. He thought about it one day and decided, but then it was 4 days before we could get in touch with the surgeon. THEN, we found out that particular surgeon was no longer in the VA system. Back to square 1.
Starting all over in November 2017 appointments, MRI's, Xrays, yada yada, we finally received notice that he could have his surgery. At the very last minute, they wanted another cardio clearance. We took the day, drove down to the VA hospital in New Orleans (because that's where the the cardio place was) and talked to the cardiologist there. This doctor seemed uneasy with doing a clearance without another stress test but my husband was convincing in his explanation that he'd just had one done a nearly 10 months earlier and all was fine. The doctor stepped out of his office to consult another colleague and came back with the clearance. My husband was still in pain but I swear there was a pep in his step.
Surgery was scheduled and we were relieved to learn that the same surgeon who performed the neck surgery will do the laminectomy. On Jan 23, 2018, I drove him to the hospital and sat by his pre-op bedside. A short 3 hours later, surgery was complete, post-op checks were done, and we were released to go home. I swear he got 3 inches taller in those 3 hours!
My mother reminded me that during the cleanup of her house in 2016, he worked hard but had to stop due to back pain. I had forgotten that. Then I started remembering even further back of the projects he would start but not finish due to back pain. I complained about him not coming to our girls concerts. I said to myself, "Oh, but if it was a danged football game he'd go." I didn't fully realize that he simply could not sit through the concerts. He was suffering even in 2014 during our family trip to Alaska. How did I miss it? Is it because it was so gradual? What kind of wife am I that I wasn't paying attention?
Fast forward to Jan 2017, my husband had neck surgery. Before the surgery, he went to multiple appointments at the local VA clinic. He was proud to be a veteran of the US Army. All of these appointments were to provide a base line for his health etc. Then he began experiencing some numbness in his arms and tingling in his hands. He went for an MRI and Xrays and the results showed he had some bone spurs that were growing off his vertebrate and irritating the nerves. He got all the pre-op clearances done, including a nuclear stress test (results showed "age related blockages" but nothing serious) and in January 2017, he underwent surgery for fusion and bone spur removal. He said it was the worst thing he'd ever gone through, even after had a back surgery 25 years earlier! But, he recovered and quickly got back into the swing of things. He began planning a summer roadtrip to Alaska and bought an old junked up motorhome to refurbish for the trip. He was never one to buy anything new.
Fast forward through summer, and the roadtrip that DIDN'T happen, and in August of 2017, his back was bothering him to the point that he began seeking surgery relief. He never TOLD me his back was bothering him. It was just something he silently endured and set up a strategy to deal with it. He pushed himself through all the normal daily activities, continuing with his work duties, and never complained. So, in August, he began setting up appointments to get this back surgery. We consulted with a surgeon at Tulane and were instructed to take a few days to make a decision on surgery. He thought about it one day and decided, but then it was 4 days before we could get in touch with the surgeon. THEN, we found out that particular surgeon was no longer in the VA system. Back to square 1.
Starting all over in November 2017 appointments, MRI's, Xrays, yada yada, we finally received notice that he could have his surgery. At the very last minute, they wanted another cardio clearance. We took the day, drove down to the VA hospital in New Orleans (because that's where the the cardio place was) and talked to the cardiologist there. This doctor seemed uneasy with doing a clearance without another stress test but my husband was convincing in his explanation that he'd just had one done a nearly 10 months earlier and all was fine. The doctor stepped out of his office to consult another colleague and came back with the clearance. My husband was still in pain but I swear there was a pep in his step.
Surgery was scheduled and we were relieved to learn that the same surgeon who performed the neck surgery will do the laminectomy. On Jan 23, 2018, I drove him to the hospital and sat by his pre-op bedside. A short 3 hours later, surgery was complete, post-op checks were done, and we were released to go home. I swear he got 3 inches taller in those 3 hours!
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