Key to long marriage: Do what your wife wants

This article was printed in the Baton Rouge paper on Feb 21, 1998
By Thomas H. Maugh II
Los Angeles Times

Husbands, forget all that psychobabble about active listening and validation.

If you want your marriage to last for a long time, the newest advice from psychologists is quite simple: Just do what your wife says. Go ahead, give in to her.

Active listening, in which one partner paraphrases the other partner's concerns – "So what I hear you saying is …" – is unnatural and requires too much of people in the midst of emotional conflict, says psychologist john Gottman of the University of Washington. "Asking that of couples is like requiring emotional gymnastics," he says.

Gottman and his colleagues studied 130 newlywed couples for six years in an effort to find ways to predict both marital success and failure.

Couples who used such techniques were no more likely to stay together than couples who did not, they are to report today in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, which is published by the National Council on Family Relations.

"We need to convey how shocked and surprised we were by these results for the active listening model," the team admitted in the article.

In fact, Gottman and his colleagues have long recommended active listening to couples seeking counseling and had expected that its use would be a predictor of success in marriages.

That it was not a predictor, he said, suggests that its widespread use in marital counseling should be abandoned.

The marriages that did work well all had one thing in common – the husband was willing to give into the wife.
"We found that only those newlywed men who are accepting of influence from their wives are ending up in happy, stable marriages," Gottman said. The autocrats who failed to listen to their wives' complaints, greeting them with stonewalling, contempt and belligerence were doomed from the beginning, they found.
But the study did not let wives completely off the hook.

Women who couched their complaints in a gentle, soothing, perhaps even humorous approach to the husband were more likely to have happy marriages than those who were more belligerent.

"That type of (belligerent) response is even more exaggerated in violent marriages," he added.
The fact that happily married couples do not normally use active listening is not a surprise, according to psychologist Howard Markman of the University of Denver, author of the 1994 book "Fighting For Your Marriage".

"We've found that in our own studies," he said.

In fact, he argues that Gottman is setting up a "straw man" in the study of active listening and validation, which is another form of recognizing the legitimacy of a spouse's opinions.

"When active listening is taught, it is not because happy couples use it," Markman said.
"We use it to help couples disrupt the negative patterns that predict divorce."
Gottman said he is "very sympathetic" to that idea.

"If you can genuinely listen and be empathetic when you are the target of the complaint, that can be very powerful," he said.

But for the average person, he said, "it is just too hard. The average person meets anger with anger."

The differences between Gottman and Markman are typical of the turmoil in the field of marital counseling.
A 1993 report argued that marital therapy has a relapse rates so high "that the entire enterprise may be in a state of crisis."

A recent Consumer Reports study found that people who underwent such therapy were the least satisfied among people who had undergone any form of psychotherapy.

Gottman's study was designed to identify the factors that naturally contribute to a successful marriage so those might be brought into play in therapy, thereby making it more successful.

"If you want to change marriages," he said, "You have to talk about the 'emotionally intelligent' husband. Some men are really good at accepting a wife's influence, at finding something reasonable in a partner's complaint to agree with." That group represents perhaps a third of all men, he added.

"Another group just rejects all attempts at influence. That's very characteristic of violent men," he said, but a majority of men do it to some extent.

"They feel, 'If I give in on this, I'm going to lose everything. I'm going to be totally manipulated and controlled."

That is not to say that men are the source of all problems in a marriage, he hastens to add.
But changing the attitudes of men "is a very powerful lever" in changing the course of a marriage.

"The only way to change marriage for the better is to improve the quality of friendship between a husband and wife and to help them deal with disagreements differently," Gottman says.

"There has to be a kind of gentleness in the way conflict is managed. Men have to be more accepting of a woman's position, and women have to be more gentl in starting up discussions."

The pleasures of being a mom,

33 little things that we really love about it
Copied from an article printed in Redbook Magazine, May 2002.
By Veronique Vienne


Parenting can be a tough job, but the rewards are endless. In the spirit of Mother's Day, we thought we'd name just a few of the ways little people enrich your lives.
12 REASONS TO HAVE CHILDREN: Why go to the trouble of having kids? Consider the following:

1. You wish to pass on to posterity the best qualities of your mate.
2. You wish to pass on to posterity your sense of humor.
3. You need a good excuse for baking chocolate-chip cookies.
4. You need an excuse for being broke.
5. You love children.
6. You love major disruptions.
7. You'd like to give your parents a grandchild.
8. You'd like to give your in-laws a chance to treat you as their own child.
9. You want to be the mother of his children.
10. You are ready to settle down.
11. You are ready to learn to blow someone else's nose.
12. You are ready to experience pure joy in your lifetime.

MOM-ISMS THAT REALLY WORK: Your kids will respect you if you tell them the truth. When they ask you why you want them to behave a certain way, don't try to bribe, threaten, or deceive them, or lose your patience and declare, "Because I say so." Try these fresh answers instead:

1. Because we'll both feel better when it's over.
2. Because I'm running out of ideas for getting you to put your socks on.
3. Because I'm bigger than you are.
4. Because I really need you to help me get out of the house on time.
5. Because I don't want the lady across the street to think I'm a bad mom.
6. Because you don't have a better offer yet.
7. Because you I don't feel like getting mad at you right now.
8. Because you don't want to give people who don't like kids more reasons to be right.
9. Because you are my best friend on earth.

CUTE NAMES TO CALL YOUR KID: Kids are so cute, we sometimes say, "I love you so much, I could just eat you right up!" Need more inspiration for putting your love into words? Then in addition to the nicknames you already call your little one, try these sweet and silly terms of endearment. They will establish a delicious bond of affection between you and your child, bringing you even closer.

1. Angle Cake
2. Pumpkin
3. Gumdrop
4. Sweetie Pie
5. Dumplin'
6. Cupcake
7. Peanut
8. Honey Bun
9. Sugarplum
10. Sweet Pea
11. Muffin
12. Butter Bean

From the Art of Expecting by Veronique Vienne.

80 Creative Dating Ideas

Lately, I’ve been looking for different date ideas for my hunny and I to enjoy together. We’re working on our 15th wedding anniversary this year!!! So, I hunted up some ideas and decided to post them here for your reading … and dating… enjoyment.  Oh, and there's a few links to Baton Rouge places.

1. Sketch your dream-house floor plan and talk about the possibilities for each room.

2. Write the story of how you met. Get it printed and bound.

3. List your spouse’s best qualities in alphabetical order.

4. Tour a museum or an art gallery.

• LSU Museum of Art

5. Notice the little changes your spouse makes in his/her appearance.

6. Float on a raft together.

• Baton Rouge Recreation Boat and Canoe Rentals

7. Take a stroll around the block – and hold hands as you walk.

8. Stock the cupboards with food your spouse loves to eat. (But ONLY if he or she ISN’T on a diet.)

9. Give your spouse a back rub.

10. Rent a classic love-story video (or go out to a movie) and watch it while cuddling.

•  Movie Date ideas (these are really cool!)

11. Build a fire in the fireplace, turn out the lights and talk.

12. Take a horse-drawn carriage ride.

13. Go swimming in the middle of the night.

14. Write a poem for your spouse.

15. Remember to look into your spouse’s eyes as he/she tells you about the day.

16. Tell your spouse, “I’m glad I married you!”

17. Hug your spouse from behind and give him/her a kiss on the back of the neck.

18. Stop in the middle of your busy day and talk to your spouse for 15 minutes.

19. Create your own special holiday.

20. Do something your spouse loves to do, even though It doesn’t interest you personally.

21. Send your spouse a love letter.

22. Build a snowman together.

23. Watch the sunset together.

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24. Sit on the same side of a restaurant booth.

25. Picnic by a pond.

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26. Give your mate a foot massage.

27. Put together a puzzle on a rainy evening.

28. Take a moonlight canoe ride.

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29. Tell your spouse, “I’d rather be here with you than any place in the world.”

30. Whisper something romantic to your spouse in a crowded room.

31. Have a candlelight picnic in the backyard.

32. Perfume the bed sheets.

33. Serve breakfast in bed.

34. Reminisce through old photo albums.

35. Go away for the weekend.

36. Share a milk shake with two straws.

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37. Kiss in the rain.

38. Brush his/her hair.

39. Ride the merry-go-round together.

40. Dedicate a song to her/him over the radio.

41. Wink and smile at your spouse from across the room.

42. Have a hot bubble bath ready for him/her at the end of a long day.

43. Buy new satin sheets.

44. Tenderly touch your spouse as you pass one another around the house.

45. Reminisce about your first date.

46. Plant a tree together in honor of your marriage.

47. Go kite flying.

48. Attend a sporting event you’ve never been to together.

49. Take time to think about him/her during the day, then share those thoughts.

50. Drop everything and do something for the one you love.

51. Dinner on the beach.

52. Eat in a jail cell – preferably not because you HAVE TO!

53. Progressive dinner – have a 7 course meal, but each course is in a different room, or house.

54. Paint balling

55. Go on a scavenger or Treasure hunt throughout town (I think this is now called Geocaching!)

56. Watch movies blind folded.

57. Go rock climbing.

58. Go fishing.

59. Set up a table and eat in the bed of a truck.

60. Eat on top of a bridge.

61. Go to a driving range.

62. Go “House Hunting” and check out all of the open houses – pretend that you are looking for a house.

63. Go hiking.

64. Go to the zoo.

65. Go Christmas Caroling – in August.

66. Do charity work together.

67. Go to Chuck E. Cheese.

68. Go mini golfing.

69. Have a picnic on top of a roof. Check out the stars while you are up there.

70. Feed the ducks or pigeons (depending on where you live).

71. Get 2 disposable cameras and take pictures all over town, then get them developed and make a mini scrapbook of your date.

72. Go to a video store. Walk in blindfolded and randomly choose a video off the shelf. Watch it.

73. Go out for ice cream.

74. Go get old fashion pictures taken.

75. Go to a fair or amusement park.

76. Go target or skeet shooting.

77. Dress up in Black-tie attire. Have dinner at McDonalds and go to a movie.

78. Get on a chat line together.

79. Get a tattoo together.

80. Make dinner together and eat it.

Hey - These are ONLY 80 ideas!  If you have any to add, please feel free to make a comment!  I LOVE Comments!