2019, Jun 10 - Decluttering the House

Dearest Charlie,

I know that in one of my earlier posts, I mentioned that I was going to start de-cluttering the utility room.  Well, it took me a while.  I tried.  But the first thing I put my hand on was the hospital bag with your slippers still inside.  I couldn't de-clutter then.  Fast Forward a year, and I started getting it done.  I think it was April (?), I can't remember.  I've been doing a little at a time.

It took me 3 days to do the utility room.  Another couple of days for the kitchen.  OH!  I found your dogtags and military medals!  I was so excited to find them!  Why in the world did you put them on top of the kitchen cabinet?  I ALMOST threw them away not knowing what was inside that little plastic bag!  Thank heavens I opened it to see what it was!  I bought a little shadow box and put the pins and medals in that for display next to your flag.

OH, and you'd be so excited to hear this too!  The Teen got MARRIED!  YEP!  Him and K finally tied the knot!  They even got a picture printed of you to put on the memory table at their wedding.  They then went on a honeymoon to Sandals resort in Jamaica.  They had a really great time and he was so excited about it.   He misses you very much also.  He is still driving that old truck you gave him.  Somehow, he's keeping it going!

After the wedding, I got back to de-cluttering and tackled our bedroom.  I cannot believe how much STUFF we have accumulated over the years!  Good-NESS!  When The Teen went in during a visit, he nearly fell over!  He hollered, "MOM!  Have you been ROBBED?"

I de-cluttered the living room and dining area too, hauling off boxes and boxes of stuff to Goodwill and burning the rest. Slowly, the house is coming back together on the inside. But Dahlin', it's falling apart on the outside.  It's only a matter of time before something will HAVE to be done.  The marriage wall that holds the two halves together is coming apart inside due to the house becoming unlevel and sinking in the mud.  I don't understand why you put it where it is.  Just a few more feet forward and it would be on a more solid foundation.

No matter now though.  I'll just have to figure out what to do, if anything, and take care of it.
Well, enough about that.

Your 2nd Father's Day in Heaven is approaching.  Tell PawPaw and Granny we said hello and we miss them too.  I guess you've seen Steve and both of you met Wade when he arrived.  We love and miss you all tremendously.

Love Always,
Me

2019, Jun 6 - 16 months and a Dog attack

Dearest Charlie,

I am so very sorry that I haven't posted in so long.  I have learned so much and so much has happened since I last wrote a year ago.

I've been really mad at you for a while now.  How dare you leave me in such a position?  Not filing the TAXES?  REALLY?  I had to hire an attorney to untangle the mess.  At this point, I'm not sure what's going to happen.  I just got a letter today from the IRS saying they have received all the documents I sent them and they would give me a "complete response" within 90 days.  Well, here's hoping they feel sorry for me!

The girls have been coping pretty good this year.  Little Bird has really developed artistically and is using that as her outlet.  She has come so FAR!  Roo - well, now, THIS child is REALLY yours!  Good Lawd!  All I can say in just a few words is that she's been a HANDFUL!  Disrespect, Disobedience, Theft, among just a few things.  However, she's gotten better during this past month.

On Thursday, I drove her to a friends house to deliver a birthday gift.   Though I saw a Beware of Dog sign, I really didn't think much of it.  I had been there before and so had she and neither one of us ever had any problems with the 4 dogs (a pit, 2 pit mix boxers, a catahoula mix).  I parked the car and told her to take the gift to her friend.  I had no intentions of getting out of the car.

The 4 dogs came up and approached her, sniffing her hands, acting friendly, barking a little, but nothing of concern.  Then as she tried to get closer to the house, they got more aggressive.  Jumping on her, scratching her, nipping at her jeans and though not yet biting, they were catching the fabric on her jeans.  She ended up dropping the gift in the driveway and slowly made her way back to the car.  As she reached, the car, the dogs determined that she was not going to get in.  She opened the car door, then they started biting flesh and they began pulling her away from the car!

She stayed calm and managed to get inside the car and closed the door on the head of one dog.  I honked the horn and, for a second got their attention, then I threw the gear in reverse and began moving.  The attack was stopped and then Roo fell apart.

I took her home and told her to get in the shower with antibacterial soap.  Then I took her to the ER to get checked out and make a report.  The owner called to check on her and informed me that this was the 2nd attack in as many months!  The dogs had to be quarantined for 10 days.  Two will be put down and the other two re-homed.  I felt bad that he's losing his dogs but sheesh Charlie!

I really NEED you here to deal with such things!  When I got home, I kept trying to remember what it is that you would do in such a situation.  Would you have gone down there and shot the dogs?  Would you have gone with filing a report?  What would you have done?  I can't remember anymore!

I miss you so much!  I miss our life together.  I miss having you around our girls.  I miss even hearing you snore.  I miss everything about you.  I wish I didn't have to live without you now.

Love,
Me

2019, Apr 17 - Your ashes

Dearest Charlie,

I just wanted to let you know that I changed my mind about scattering you hither and yon.  I found that there was no way I could afford a plane ticket to Alaska to scatter you up there.  Besides, I'm not sure I'm very welcome anyway.  I'll have to tell you about that another time.

Today, Church Funeral Services buried your brother Wade's ashes at the foot of your parents grave.  I decided you might be happier there as well, so I took you to be buried also.  They did give me a handful of your ashes to scatter on the home place though.  So I do have part of you.  I just don't know WHAT part of you I have.  :D  Maybe your right arm.  Anyway, I will scatter you back at the deer plot and behind the house off the bayou.  Your favorite places to roam.  Will that be okay with you?  You don't have to answer, I'm just going to assume it will be.

I saw a cardinal yesterday.  I don't see them often, but when I do, I like to think that you are somehow dropping by to check on me and the girls.  This cardinal just hopped around the yard for a VERY long time.  Hop Hop Hop about 3 inches at a time.  He looked really healthy though, so I just guess he was hunting for crickets or something.  He flew away when I made a move to open the front door for a closer look.

We love and miss you so much, my Love.

Love,
Me

2018, Jul 9 - Love Worms

Hey baby,

I sure do miss you.

Sometimes I feel you nearby, so close I can almost feel your hand in mine. And then there are times when I really need you close… and you’re just not there.

I need your advice, my love. On so many things.

I’m not doing well.

Back in May, I was the high-morals, piano-playing church lady. I felt like I was under too much pressure at the piano, so I stepped down. And when I did, it felt like a house had been lifted off of me.

But then… I started slipping.

I began going out to bars, looking for something. Companionship. A dance partner. Something.

Looking back over the last few weeks, I think I’ve danced maybe four dances total. So that part hasn’t exactly worked out.

I met someone who took up space in my mind for a few weeks. But this weekend, it hit me - you wouldn’t like him. Not at all. In fact, you’d probably call him your favorite word… a worm.

I’ve been calling him a weasel.

Either way, he hasn’t been good for me, and I know it. I made a mistake letting him into my life.

He’s gone now.

And I’m left here missing you.

I want you back, but I know that’s not possible. You’re not here… and some days that reality is just hard to carry.

The loneliness without you is so hard to explain.

I never imagined it could feel like this.

Even when I went through that divorce before we met… it wasn’t this bad.

Not even close.

I miss you.

I miss your lips, I kissed at night,
The warmth of your body up next to me tight!
The love we once shared I'll never forget!
The chance I took I'll never regret!
Finding love again is a tough call!
I feel like this woman has put up a wall!!
I know no two people are exactly the same,
If I don't find love again, I know I'm to blame!!
So help me God to try and understand
Gimme a sign, or a lending hand!!
I've tried to move on and tried to let go!!
But my love for my husband always will show!!

I love you so much my Charlie.  

2018, Jun 25: Fathers Day/Birthday/Mowing the Lawn

Hey honey.  Just wanted to give you an update on what happened last weekend.  I was down.  Way down.  Laid crying in bed for 5 days down.  Father's Day was hard.  None of your older 4 called us.  None of them checked on the girls.  I wanted to do a special video for you for Father's Day but M2 said, "What's the point?  He's DEAD!".  That hurt.  We finally ended up doing a video and I posted it but not for Father's Day.  

As you know, my birthday was right after that.  I turned 51 Charlie.  Remember last year?  Remember when I was so depressed because I couldn't do what I wanted to for my 50th birthday?  Well, it happened again this year.  I didn't get to take the trip I wanted.  NONE of the kids remembered my birthday.  NONE of them sent me a card or said anything to me.  It's just another day I guess.  

I have a friend.  A guy friend.  If you can call him that.  Actually, I think YOU would call him a worm.  And the more I get to know this friend, I have to say that I agree with you.  He IS a worm.  BUT THIS WORM remembered my birthday and made it special for a few minutes.  He cooked dinner for me, he gave me a card, he bought me a cake!!, and gave me a dozen roses.  All of it was really meaningless, of course, because he was just trying to be nice but it was more than any of the kids did for me.  Soooo, that was my birthday.  Happy Birthday to me.

The rest of the week has been a roller coaster of emotions.  Up and Down.  I went to see Dr. K the other day.  I've been having some stomach issues for a while.  I thought it was digestive.  Turns out that's not what it is at all.  His tech did an ultrasound of my girly parts and found a cyst on the cervix.  When the probe hit the cyst, welllll, allllll those stomach pains immediately flared up.  OUCH!  He didn't even do a biopsy of it.  He said he was gonna watch it and see what it does.  Maybe it'll go away but the pains I've had have been going on for 2 years, so maybe it won't go away.  I dunno.

He did adjust my Buspirone from 7.5 mg to 15 mg.  That's helped with all my non-functionality and the crying jags.  I can actually get out of bed and get stuff done now.  I've been working in the yard.  Your sister and her husband (GT) have helped a LOT with hauling off the junk and tearing down the sheds.  I'm so glad they did because I have no idea what I would have done without them!

Yesterday, I mowed the grass, front and back yards.  I managed to get a rope tangled around the blades of the mower and had to get daddy to help me flip it so I could get to the blades and untangle the rope.  Once I got that done, I was able to finish the yard.  I cut the grass really close in hopes that I won't have to mow again so soon.  I have 2 burn piles ready to go but am scared to burn anything right now due to it being so dry.  I might go ahead and start one tonight though as long as I can sit there with the hose ready.  Otherwise, I might start hauling stuff across the street little by little so it can just rot.

Tonight, I'll start purging the utility room.  There's so much junk collected all over the house that I just don't know what I'm gonna do with it all!  I suppose I can take pics and post it online but that seems to be more trouble than it's worth.  I guess I'll take some time to look at Ebay or Craigslist and see what's going on there.

I'm also trying to figure out what to do with your remains.  I wasn't ready to let go of you earlier this year, but maybe I am now.  At least a little of you.  I need to get a plane ticket and go to Alaska to fish with Tracy.  I need to sprinkle you in the Alaskan Gulf where you enjoyed spending your time with your son.  I need to sprinkle you in the bayou behind the house, and at the deer stand.  I need to go to the Gulf of Mexico and sprinkle some of you there.  Maybe send some of you off for some pretty bead necklaces for the girls.  Then, I need to put the rest of you somewhere.   I was thinking of putting you in the vault with your parents and get your military marker added to theirs. You know, take you home.  If I can't do that, then I may look at a mausoleum in Denham.  I still need to do some research but I'm not going to get it all done today.

I love you and miss you tremendously my Love.  My knight in shining armor.  My Wasp Slayer.  (Remember that? You were so funny!)  Tremendously is not even a big enough word for how much I miss you.  I miss you from the depths of my soul.

Me

2018, Jun 16 - Father's Day/My Birthday/Depression

Hiya Baby,

Some words that have been going through my head lately are bad.  

Rejected. Worthless. Ignored. Friendless. Sad. Depressed. Ugly. Fat. Loveless. Alone. Unwanted. Undesirable. Tired.  And dare I say, or even mention, the word Death.  Yes, Death has crossed my mind.  If I'm so unwanted and undesirable, then why am I still here?  No I'm not suicidal.  Just questioning.  I am Responsible.  Responsible for the girls. I have to get them to college and adulthood successfully.

I have had several people suggestion a grief group or something.  I've been seeing a counselor but it doesn't seem to be helping anymore.  

Tomorrow is Father's Day.  The girls and I recorded a video for you.  It isn't much but it's all we could do for you.  We hope you can hear it in heaven and that you like it.  I really wanted to do something special for your Father's Day this year while we were on the road to Alaska.  Then my birthday is Tuesday also.  My first without you.  No flowers, or special dessert will be expected.  I know you won't be able to do that for me.  

I have been so very depressed.  I plan to see the doctor this week and see if he can give me something for it.  Maybe there's a chill pill that can help cheer me up a little.  If I can just glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel, maybe I can get motivated to take care of some things and move forward.  

I love and miss you so very much My Dahlin'.  So much.

Me.

2018, Jun 13 - Upcoming

Hey Dahlin',

I don't know what you're up to up there in Heaven, but I sure hope you've been keeping an eye on me and the girls.  I'm having to learn how to be a parent to the girls again.  I don't remember how to have fun with them.  

Honey, I don't know how to say this.  I just started dipping my toes in the dating pool.  I'm learning that I'm not ready for it.  I miss you too much.  I keep thinking about you and what you would say. 

Today, I had to take Daddy to the eye doctor.  While we were in the waiting room, he wanted to loudly discuss my finances and succession information.  I was so mad at him about it.

After that, I brought him home and immediately picked up Samantha to take to her "nerve burning clinic" on Essen and Perkins.  After about 2 hours there, we went back to Samantha's place to rest a bit before coming home.

Now, again, I cannot keep the girls quiet!   They are constantly talking or bickering back and forth.

They just got back from their youth trip.  I think they really enjoyed it.  

Well, I guess I'll write to you later.  

Love and miss you so much,

Me.

2018, Jun 11 - The 4th month

Hey baby,  I am so sorry that I have neglected to write to you.  I'm not a very good wife at all.  I wish I knew why you married me in the first place.  I'm not a housekeeper, not a cook, having a real hard time being a good momma to our girls, I'm selfish, I'm ugly and fat, .....  Why DID you marry me?  

Since I last wrote you, I believe, I took a sabbatical from the piano this summer (as we had planned to do for the Alaska Roadtrip That Never Happened), I dropped the girls off last Monday for their youth trip with the church (I didn't have a panic attack or cry like I thought I would.  Something is wrong with me.), spent the week doing nothing ..... except the hall bathroom ... I cleaned the hall bathroom.  I played the piano a little bit and made some videos for Facebook.  I also went and saw a movie by myself, Oceans 8.  

I finally got a flag case for your casket flag.  It looks good sitting at your work station.

I got the phone bill transferred into my name.  Now to work on the cable and internet packages.  Then I'll take all the vehicle titles to the DMV or a notary to get them transferred into my name.  I just hope the fees aren't too bad.

Father's Day is coming up.  So is my birthday just 3 days later.  The girls and I have a surprise for you.  We hope you like it.  

Sweetheart, I love and miss you so much.  

Me

2018, May 27 - Last Sunday

Hey Baby,

So, today was my last day to play piano at Hebron.  I've decided to stop for the summer and make my final decision the end of July.  Sadly, no one said anything to me today when I left.  It's like either nobody believes I'm actually quitting or nobody really knows.    As I left, I mentioned to several people, "Have a great summer!" but nobody said anything.  I was really disappointed.

After church, I had to go into the office to do the paperwork for Youth Camp.  It's the girls first trip without me.  They'll be gone a full week to South Carolina.  I'm praying they have fun and a great time without me.  I wish they'd been able to go last year. 

Last year, when I took the whole summer off and we didn't go anywhere.  Last year, when YOU got to go to Alaska for 10 days WITHOUT me.  I'm still angry about that.  We were supposed to go TOGETHER!  And AGAIN, I can't go.  I had planned to, but the Social Security office is taking their sweet time with figuring out the money stuff.  So, this year, finances simply will not allow us to go.  But NEXT summer, we'll go.  Next summer, I'll take you on that road trip.  Next summer.

This summer, I have to figure out stuff.  Thus today was my last Sunday.

Love and Miss you so much!

Me

2018, May 22 - Piano Decision

Hey Baby!

I just wanted to write and let you know that I made another big decision today.  I think you would be proud.   I decided to take this summer and step away from play piano at church.  The past few summers, you and I had decided to take breaks so we could take trips.  We were supposed to go on that big Alaska road trip this year but, well, God had another trip planned for you.  

So, anyway, I decided to take another break but not for a vacation.  As you know, playing the piano at church puts me in a Leadership position.  But I'm feeling that right now, for me, I am not in a condition to Lead.  I cannot minister to others right now.  Instead, I need to be Led. 

I need to take some time and be alone for a bit to clear my head.  Or at least, ATTEMPT to clear my head.  

Missing you and Loving you so much.

Me

2018, May 21 - Insanity

Hey baby -

God I miss you so much!  Saturday was a day that I am not proud of.  I will not go into detail here but I know that you know what I'm talking about.  It started out okay with the Ladies Tea, but then quickly went downhill from there.

Sunday was not much better.  Went to church with a heavy heart.  Did my duties there.  Then took the girls to lunch and ran by Samantha's to let her dog out to potty.  Jay's mother died Thursday and they had to go to Arkansas to deal with the funeral and stuff.  They couldn't take the dog so I go by their place to let the dog out to potty.  

After that we went to their Spring piano recital.  It was their first one without you babe.  You'd be sooo proud of them both! M1 just BLEW ME AWAY with her playing!  She's really come into her own!  M2 is not far behind!  I predict they'll both be ready for State Rally next year.  

Then I THOUGHT we had to go back to church, but turns out we didn't.  So, we came home, where I took a late nap and just laid around until I had to back to Sam's to let the dog out again.  Tomorrow, I might bring the poor little fella home with us.

I miss you and love you so much.  I wish you were here with me.

Me.

2018, May 19 - Spring Tea

Hey babe,

Just wanted to bring you up to date.  I'm so tired Charlie.  Tired in my heart and soul.  Physically tired.  I had my first panic attack in a while today.  The girls and I went to a Ladies Spring Tea at church this morning.  I was okay about everything until I got half way through the tea.  I'm not sure what happened.  I was sitting there, chatting, started talking about you but I wasn't crying or anything.  I even was smiling as I was talking about you!  Suddenly, my heart was racing and I couldn't breathe!

I had to get up during prayer and make my way out to the restroom.  I was looking for somewhere to lay down before I fell down.  I did not feel well at all.  I'm going crazy.  I was so embarrassed!

I miss you and love you so much!

Me

2018, May 15 - Mother's Day Plus

Hello my Love,

I'm so sorry I haven't written in a few days.  There's just so much to keep up with.  On Friday, I had my counseling session.  I explained my dreams about you to the counselor.  Saturday, M1 had a birthday party to go to and I spend some time alone with M2.  

Sunday was Mother's Day.  Our first one without you here.  Kyle came to church and took me and the girls to lunch at P-Beau's.  It was really nice.  Then, he did something that made me cry.  He stepped up.  He offered to do what you would've done if you'd been here.  He offered to take the girls to the store to get something from them to me for Mother's Day.  He was so sweet to do that!  However, he did not get to.  I thought I had to be back at church, so I told him not to worry about it.  As soon as we parted ways, I got the text that I did NOT have to be back at church.  So much for that.  So, I came home and took a 3 hour nap. 

On Monday, I had to get up early and drive Samantha up to Zachary.  I thought I would be up there all day.  But it was finished early.  So, I drove her back to her house, then came home.  As soon as I got home, I spotted her keys on the center console of the truck.  That meant that I had to drive ALL the WAY back up to her place to return the keys.  As soon as I completed that task, I came back home.  I ran a big tub of hot water and climbed in.  My body is physically tired.  My soul is tired.  My emotions have been running the gamut.   I miss you so much.  You should be here with us.  

I'm so very sorry about the morning you passed over.  I was so scared that my tears would scare you.  I never wanted you to see me crying and that be the last thing that you see.   I should never have left your side.  I will regret that for the rest of my days.  I should not have walked away from you.   

M1 is having a hard time and is counseling for it.  She is doing better though.  I think I got her in there at the right time.  M2 is doing well and hasn't expressed any need for the counseling.  I think I'll schedule an appointment for her though, just in case.

Today, I had a doctor's appointment and then met with a friend for lunch.  Then I took M1 to her counseling session.  After that, I came home and found your sister's husband Gary here doing some brush cutting.  We started a burn pile and I was hauling limbs from all around to put on the burn pile.  The back yard is looking really good now!  He also cut the trash shrubs from along the side of the driveway.  

Tomorrow, I will go to my weekly widow's meeting.  Then, I'll get the girls from school so M2 can do her musicianship club requirements.  After that, M2 will have her guitar lesson and then we'll go to church.  Somewhere in there, I will take a nap or two.

We miss and love you so very much.  You were and will always be adored.

Your loving wife,

Me

2018, May 10 - Sewing Memories

Hey babe.  I love you.  

I wanted to share a little something with you.  You know I've been going to these support group meetings every other week or so.  Well, today, I went in there and we discussed many things as usual, but today, I had a special memory that I shared with them.

I don't remember the dates of this but I do remember it was shortly after we married.  Your mom gave me her old Kenmore sewing machine.  I accepted it with a smile but told you later, "What am I going to do with this?  I don't know how to sew!"  I remember your reaction, when you looked at me with those wide baby blues and said, "You don't know how to sew?  Well, it's time you learned."   You got an old washcloth and cut it in half.  You sat down with that sewing machine at the kitchen table.  You walked me through the threading process.  You handed me those to halves to a washcloth and you said, "Sew it together."  and I did.  You didn't know then what you started.  You didn't know I would graduate from washcloths to dinner napkins to quilts to prom dresses to Disney short sets and much more!  I thank you for kicking me in the rear and getting me going.  Although I'm not doing much sewing now, I'm grateful that you taught me and I have enjoyed using those skills. 

The sewing is just one of the many lessons I learned from you.  I will try to keep writing them down as they come to the forefront of my memory.  

I miss you and love you so much.  I wish you were here so I could tell you all about my days and what the girls and I are doing.  I know you can see us.  I know you can hear us when we talk about you and to you.  I know you can't communicate back to us though and I wish you could.  

Missing and Loving you.

Me.

2018, May 5 - Trees and Jonny Cash

Hey babe.

First off, I want to tell you that I dreamed about you this morning.  I was sitting in my recliner here with the laptop on my lap.  You came walking out of the kitchen in your red short sleeve pullover polo and your bahama shorts.  You sat down in your recliner but didn't lay back like you usually do.  You sat on the front half of the seat, leaned over at me and said, "Some things just never change."  I put the laptop aside, loudly said, "Ohmigod!  Ohmigod!" and reached over to touch you.  When I touched your arm, it felt so real!  I jumped up and got on top of you, kissing you, hugging you!  I asked you how heaven was and you said, "There's a lot of gays there."  But then you started to change.  You started wasting away.  It wasn't you anymore.  It claimed to be you but it was someone, or something else.  I asked you to tell me my middle name and you couldn't.  Then I knew it was no longer you.  You were gone again.  I got off of the person/thing I was on top of and rebuked it in Jesus' name.  Then I woke up.  I was so disappointed.  I really wanted to spend more time with you.

Changing the subject now.  Do you remember than guy from down around the campground?  Jonny Cash?  He had the Rottweilers before that Buddy would get tangled with.  Anyway, did you know he cuts down trees?  I didn't!  Samantha and Jay told me about him and gave me his business card.  So, I called him to cut down two pines.  The one in the middle of the front yard.  And the rotten one behind the house.  It's scaring me.  He got the one in the front down today and we'll get that all moved out of the way soon.  He's coming back tomorrow to get the bad one down. 

I love and miss you so much!

Me.

2018, May 8 - Independence

Hey babe. 

Well, I did it.  I got the trees down and the scrap metal sold.  I hate making these kinds of decisions but I don't have a choice anymore.  I HAVE to make them.  I never realized just how dependent I was on you.  I thought I was an independent woman but realized this week that I just THOUGHT I was.  I'm in fact, not independent at all!  I WISH you were here to make these manly decisions.  I sometimes don't know what to think or say or do in these situations.  These are things you should be dealing with ... not me.  These men who come to the house to look over the few items left for sale, will bamboozle me into taking 1/2 the price.   

I'm scared Charlie.  I don't want to do this alone.  Raise the girls.  Pay the bills.  Mow the lawn. Fix the motorhome.  I don't want to do this by myself!  I miss you being here.  I miss your hugs.  I miss your kisses.  I miss your smart ass remarks.  I miss your cooking.  I miss your coffee brewing even though I didn't drink it.  I miss your smell.  I miss everything about you.  I miss you.  

The girls are doing better.  This has been a rough week with all the choir rehearsals and performances.  This coming weekend is the girls piano recital as well.  We miss having you here with us to be in the audience.  

My thoughts have been all over the place these past 3 months.  I told you I had a dream about you.  I sleep now waiting for you to revisit me.  I want to see you and touch you again and the only place I can is in my dreams.  

I love you and miss you so much.

Me.

2018, May 4 - Sheet Metal is gone

I'm so sorry baby.  I couldn't keep it.  I know you wanted to build that shed, but I just couldn't keep the stuff.  What was I supposed to do with it?  I had to get rid of it.  The man took it away and gave me $1700 for it.  I feel bad about taking the money.  Like I sold a piece of you.  I'm so sorry.  Please forgive me.

Loving and missing you more.

Me

2018, May 4 - 3 Months, Hurt and Pissed

Hey Babe,

Happy Heavenly Monthiversary.  I guess that's the way you're supposed to say it.  It's 3 months away from you now.  I miss you so much.  I'm so lonely without you.  I've tried to stay busy, to keep my mind occupied.  I started working out and trying to lose some more weight.  I just need to get healthy to be here for the girls.  I'm planning road trips and vacations for me and the girls but none of it is any fun without you.  I went ahead and signed them up for the same summer camps they missed last year.  You told me last year not to sign them up because we were going on the big Alaska tour.  Remember, the one that never happened?  This year was Round 2, but it's not happening either because you went and died on me.  I'm so mad at you for that Charlie.  You weren't supposed to do this to me.

I'm upset with your kids.  Nathan and Josh haven't called.  Nathan has only responded to one text in 3 months.  Otherwise, crickets.  Josh has responded to a voice mail.  Otherwise, more crickets.  Tracy & Brandy at least return calls and texts but they have not initiated any communication. I'm worried for the girls.  I'm afraid these great kids of yours are going to forget us.  It's looking like they already have.  I know they lost their dad.  I know they are grieving as well.  But, hell, Charlie.  The girls are their baby sisters!  At the very LEAST, they should be contacting me to check up on them!  Right?  What will the girls grow to think?  That their older siblings don't give a shit?  Apparently, it's a fact.  I'm hurt for myself and for the girls and pissed that it hasn't happened in the 3 months that you've been gone.

M1 is hurting herself!  She's in pain!  She misses you!  She is in counseling and I don't plan to stop any of it unless I can't afford it.  Then, I'll try another route or something.  M2 SEEMS to be doing okay, but what do I know?  I can't keep it together even for myself.  I'm no good to them without you here.  I'm doing the best I can to keep going and keep them on their routine.  This summer is going to be very difficult.  If the Social Security office ever gets their crap together, then maybe I can plan some fun getaways for us.  We don't want to be home all the time with you not here.  

Don't get me wrong.  I have stuff I need to do here inside the house.  I need to purge each room and closet.  There's 20 years of clutter and boxed up junk to go through.  We're currently searching for your dog tags and service medal.  I know they were here before.  I just can't find them now.  The girls really want the dog tags and would like to each have one of them on a necklace.  I'm doing my best to find them.  

I sit here typing this and hear your windchimes outside.  The attachment on them says, "Listen to the wind and know I am near." but I don't feel you near.  I wish you were.  I wish you had never died.  I wish you were here with me right now, your arms around me, kissing the tears away.  You would know where to look for the dog tags.  You would be helping me with the purging.  Now, I have to do it alone and it hurts.

I love and miss you so much.

Me

2018, May 3 - National Widow's Day

Hey Babe, 

How come we never knew of National Widow's Day?  Is it because we just never paid attention?  I had no idea this day existed! But I'm glad it does.  

The day isn't for celebrating. It's more to bring awareness that widow's aren't just bitter, little old ladies, hiding in their house, wearing black veils and wailing of their loss. They’re amazing, loving, vibrant, beautiful, handsome people with a lot more love and life to give and live. Being widowed is like being on the tilt-a-whirl, bumper-cars, slingshot, roller-coaster and terror-ride then throwing up all at once. And not in a good way!! But I have met some of the most amazing people on this journey. They are superhero strong, wicked funny, southern tea sweet and way more supportive than a sports bra.

I even re-connected with a friend from way back when!  His name is Gene.  He was married when I met him 35 years ago.  George and I actually lived with him, his wife, and their 3 babies for about a month in 1985.  As it turns out, his wife, Emma, passed away just 3 short months before you did, my Love!  Was she waiting for you at the door to heaven?  Did she convince you to conspire with her?  Because Gene and I think it's a little strange that we re-connected the way we did.     

I won't go into it here.  I will save that story for another time.  But we are both convinced you and Emma had something to do with it.  If you did, thank you for that.  Talking with Gene has helped both of us in our grief journey.  It's been comforting to talk to someone who is walking the same walk. 

I love and miss you bunches.

Me

2018, May 2 - More Sheet Metal and He Moved the Piano

Hey Babe,

I am really missing you tremendously this week.  I was telling a friend of mine about your cooking.  your red beans and rice, shrimp tacos, and shrimp and corn chowder.  Man, I'm missing your cooking.  I'm not doing any cooking since you've been gone.  I guess I need to learn because the girls need to eat.  I've been very bad at it.  

So far, the sheet metal has not sold.   There's another fella coming to look at it tomorrow.  I'm praying he takes it because I sure could use the cash right now.

The girls have been giving me some trouble lately.  I pulled the "Dad" card and told them they don't get to speak to me in the tones they have been using.  It's disrespectful and not allowed.  I told them "What do you think your dad would say?" and then they replied, "You didn't have to bring that up!"  To which I responded, "Well, if you two weren't such little A-holes, then I wouldn't HAVE to bring it up!"  They shut up finally and had better attitudes the next morning.  I hate that it seems like we're constantly fighting lately.  I miss the laughter and the fun days we had.  I miss you and I know they do too.

On another note, Destry went and moved the piano to the other side of the stage.  I don't like it at all.  I feel like I've been punished and sent to the corner.   At band practice the other night, I didn't even feel like I was there to begin with.  I was over on the piano bench and completely ignored by everyone there.  I got a look when I began playing a soft song very loudly.  I think I got someone's attention then but couldn't be sure because I never looked up from the sheet music long enough to make eye contact.  I was so angry!  Not just because the piano was moved.  In fact, that wasn't what I was angry about at all.  I was angry at you.  Angry that you would leave us the way you did.  Angry that you aren't here with us like you should be.  And it was coming out in my playing Wednesday night.  The piano getting moved just triggered it.

I miss you so much.  I want you here with us.  I don't want to do the dating thing.  The men these days are dweebs.  None of them will ever measure up to you.

I love you and miss you!!!

Me