2026, Mar 29 - Steady Through the Shift – Sunday Reset

 My Dearest Charlie,

Today felt like a mix of quiet, normal, and just a little bit of that “this is really happening” feeling underneath it all.

I went to church this morning - for the first time in a while. Why did I wait so long?  Well, because I'd been working that turnaround, ya know.  Anyway, it was Youth Sunday, so the young people led the whole service. There was something about it that felt fresh and honest. Not polished, but real. I think you would’ve liked that.  It reminded me of when the girls were younger.

It’s also Passover Sunday, so we had communion - The Lord’s Supper. That part slowed everything down for me. Gave me a moment to sit still and just take it in.

After church, I was hungry - hungry hungry - so I stopped at Dairy Queen and got some chicken tenders before heading home. Yes, I had leftovers in the fridge from game night with Alex… and yes, I could have waited.

But I was hongry. So chicken tenders it was.

I got home, laid down, and took a nap. Woke up… hongry again… and ate the leftovers anyway. So apparently today was sponsored by food and naps.

After that, I played on my phone a little while before finally getting up and tackling some more housework and decluttering.

And Charlie… I have SO MUCH to do before I leave Thursday.

It’s starting to settle in - not in a panicked way, but in that quiet “how is all of this going to get done?” kind of way. I know I’m going to have to trust that LB and Dana can handle things here.

I do worry about LB being here alone all weekend. That part sits in the back of my mind.  But I can't do anything about it other than try to reassure her that everything will be okay.

Up until now, I’ve mostly just felt excited about this opportunity. The worry hasn’t really had much space yet. But I can feel it starting to show up - little things like the car, the distance, all the moving pieces.

Also - my left knee is really bothering me today. Bad enough that I can feel it running up my IT band and into my hip. Thank goodness I’ve got that appointment with Kasey tomorrow to massage it out. I may just have her focus on that left leg and nothing else.

Still… I think if I take my time and space the drive out over a few days, I’ll be alright.

That seems to be where I am right now—doing what I can, trusting the rest, and just taking it one step at a time.

 How would you feel about me printing you out and making a Flat Charlie companion for the trip?  It may be silly but I'd feel a little like I'd have you there to share the trip with. I miss you in the ordinary parts of days like this. The church service, the drive, even something as simple as stopping for food - I still think often about what it would be like if you were there with me. 

But I’m okay.

Really, I am.

Just moving forward… steady.

Love you always,
Me

2026, Mar 28 - Steady Through the Shift

 Dear Charlie,

Everything lately feels like it’s shifting - but not in a chaotic way. More like the ground moving just enough to remind me I’m not standing still anymore. And somehow, in the middle of all that, I feel steady.

It’s been a full stretch of days since March 22. The kind where life doesn’t just move forward—it shifts under your feet a little.

I think the biggest thing… I’m getting ready to leave. Temporarily.

I’ve got a job lined up in New York with Barnhart Energy. It looks like it’ll be about eight months. That still feels strange to say out loud. Me… going that far, that long, alone.

Part of me is excited. Part of me is nervous. And part of me is just… steady. Like this is something I’m supposed to do.

But I sure wish you were here to share it with.

I’ve been trying to figure out the logistics of it all - whether to drive my little car with all those miles on it or fly and figure things out once I get there. Our mechanic, Brian (you remember him?), basically gave me that look… the one that says, “I wouldn’t push it.” So I’m weighing it all out carefully.

You’d probably tell me not to be stubborn about that.

I even walked into the bank to see about rolling my small loan into something bigger - just to give myself a cushion for the move. Left my name. Still waiting to hear from them.

Health-wise, I’ve been looking at my labs and my medications. Nothing scary, but enough to make me pay attention. I told them flat out - I don’t want to go on a statin. I’d rather handle things another way if I can. You know me… I’ll try to do it the natural way first, even in the middle of a big life change.

I’ve also been thinking ahead about how to manage everything while I’m gone - my prescriptions, my CPAP, all the little things that don’t seem like much until you’re 1,000 miles from home.

I tried DoorDashing for a minute - just to see if it was worth it. Made a little money, but not enough for the miles I put on the car. It reminded me that not every opportunity is a good one, even if it looks easy on the surface.

I got my tax summary pulled together and sent off to the CPA. That felt good - like closing a loop, even if I’m still going to owe a chunk in the end.

And then there was today… today was different.

I went to a memorial service with Dana. I went for her. That was my whole reason. She was stressed knowing Thomas would be there with his new girlfriend. The service was for his mother, Linda - her birthday, actually. She would have been 75.

Dana had a hard time. She couldn’t stop watching them - him and Angie - holding hands through the service. You could see it weighing on her.

But then something unexpected happened. Thomas hugged Dana. Not just a quick hug - a long one. And he told her they would talk later.

I don’t know what that means. Maybe nothing. Maybe something. But it sure stirred things up in her.

I just stayed beside her. That’s all I could do. Just be there.

I think you would’ve been proud of how I handled that. I didn’t get pulled into it. I didn’t try to fix anything. I just stood steady for her.

That seems to be the theme right now… steady.

Even with everything changing, everything uncertain - I feel more grounded than I expected to.

I miss you in moments like this. In the decisions. In the quiet drives. In the “what would Charlie say” thoughts that still come up.

But I also feel like… I’m doing okay.

Maybe even better than okay.

Just taking it one step at a time.

Loving and missing you always,
Me

2026, Mar 22 - A Full Day, Start to Finish

Dearest Charlie,

After a night alone, I got up fairly early and drove over to Covington to have breakfast with my brother.  I really hate these nights alone.  But what can I do?  Heck I even re-did a dating profile, for all of 24 hours.  Deleted that thing already.  Anyway, back to the day.

My brother and I met up at Abita Roasting Company. I ordered a chai latte and eggs Benedict. It was nice - simple, easy conversation, nothing rushed.

After breakfast, we went to church at New Beginnings. It was a good service. Today was kids’ service day, so many of the children were filling the usual adult roles - greeting, opening prayer, even helping with worship. It was sweet to watch.

After church, we went back to my brother’s house and visited for a bit. He told me his dog Scamp has been aging, but I wasn’t prepared for how much he’s declined. It caught me off guard. Then he reminded me - Scamp is about 15 years old. For a dog, that’s a long life. A good one.

We also spent some time going through some of Daddy’s notes and journals. My brother is going to make copies for me. I’d like to gather everything and put together a small book for each of us kids. I think that would mean a lot.

Later, we went to the Pelican Park Bark Park so his other little dog "Little Bit" could roam around and sniff everything in sight. Then, we took a drive along the Mandeville lakefront. We had talked about riding bikes, but my knee was bothering me, so we opted for a drive instead.  I'll try the bike ride another time.

Still nice.

We went back to his house for a bit, and then I headed home. I haven’t done much since.

Last night, I downloaded DoorDash, thinking I might try to get out and make a little extra money. But today… I just wasn’t quite brave enough to take that first order.

Maybe when the bank account gets a little lower, I’ll find that courage.

So, that was my day.

I’m about to take a shower and head to bed. I’ve got to be at Alliance Safety Council in the morning for my BOP refresher before it expires at the end of the month.

Oh—and my supervisor texted early this morning. She said she put my name in for a job at Westlake.

So… here’s hoping something gets scheduled soon.

I miss you muchly.

Love you always,
Me

2026, Mar 21 - Just An Ordinary Day

Dear Charlie,

Today started out as nothing.

I was planning to just lay around the house, not do much of anything. But to my surprise - and honestly, my pleasure - a church friend reached out and invited me to a Sunday School class fish fry.

I went.

And I’m really glad I did.

I needed that. Just being around people for a little while. I stayed just long enough for my nervous system to enjoy it… but not so long that I got overwhelmed. You would’ve been proud of that balance. I’m learning.

After that, I went to visit DQ and J over in FS for a bit.

A couple of weeks ago, DQ went to Childress, Texas to be with J while he’s working with MMR. She talked me into keeping her cat, Tux, and dog, Beaux, here at home. And lemme tell ya… that was a bit of an ordeal.

Tux has been getting diaper trained because he pees on everything. Everything. And Beaux… well, he’s easier, but both of them needed more attention than I could really give.

So today, DQ and J came to get them.

She ended up rehoming Tux so he can just be a cat again - no diapers, no restrictions. He’s going to be an outside cat now, and I think he’ll adjust just fine.

And tomorrow, they’re heading back to Texas with Beaux.

DQ’s been having a hard time lately - depressed, stressed - and Beaux is her emotional support. He’s eight years old now… so she may need another one eventually. But that’s a whole different conversation.

The Teen (though had hasn't been a teen for 15 years now) called me today too.

Just needed to vent. He had me on the phone while replacing his radiator - I couldn’t help but laugh. It reminded me of the times he’d call you, hold the phone over the engine, and you’d diagnose the problem right there. That was one of your gifts… and he never stopped being in awe of it.

Little Bird has a job now - working nights as a caregiver for a handicapped lady. So when she’s home, she’s sleeping. But she’s been subbing for me with my piano students while I’ve been working in the plants, and she’s doing a really good job.

I’m proud of her.

This week, I’m going to tag along with her a bit - just to support her and guide where needed.

As for me…

I got laid off last week from the DOW project. I’m hoping to hear something soon about the next one - maybe within a week or two.

In the meantime, I’ve signed up for Spark, Instacart, and DoorDash. Between those, a little in-home massage, and piano lessons, I should be able to stay afloat until the next project comes along.

I’m figuring it out, Charlie.

Oh, and I don’t know if I told you…

Roo and her boyfriend, A, moved to Portland, Oregon.

Can you believe that?

They just… went. No real plan other than, “We’ve got enough money for a hotel for a while. We’ll find jobs when we get there. Then we’ll find an apartment.”

I don’t know whether to admire that or worry about it.

Probably both.

So that was my day.

Nothing big. Nothing dramatic.

Just life.

Tomorrow, I’ll go to church, spend some time with my brother, and I might start getting the car ready for camping. I haven’t decided yet.

I wish you were here so we could go together.

I wish I could feel your arms around me just one more time.

I miss you.

Love you always,
Me

2026, Mar 20 - Four Years Later, Still Talking to You

Charlie, my love,

It’s been four years since I last wrote to you like this.

Not because I didn’t have anything to say… but because I’ve been saying it to you all along—just in pieces. In texts. In quiet moments. In my head while driving down the road or laying in bed at night.

I guess I never really stopped talking to you.

Sometimes it was just simple:

“I miss you so much.”

Other times… it was everything all at once:

“Hey baby - just an update. I managed to get through another anniversary and birthday since you’ve been gone. I took off work this weekend to dwell on you.”

The girls are grown now, Charlie. They’re working. Finding their way. I know you’d have thoughts about that… probably a few strong opinions too.  But ultimately, I think you'd be proud of them.

And me…

I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with myself without you here to steady me.

“I could use your advice. I’m quitting the massage thing and trying to find me a job in the plants. I finished my CSST and OSHA courses so I’m itching to get started.”

That was me - standing at the edge of something new, scared and determined all at once.

And then life kept doing what it does best… not waiting.

“I have good news and bad news. Since you’ve been gone, I developed a little spot on my left lung. The doctors have been watching it… and unfortunately it has grown. I have no symptoms, but I am concerned.”

I didn’t have you to sit across from. No steady voice. No “we’ll handle it.” Just me… trying to be brave.  Fortunately, it turned out to be nothing, but in that moment, it sure didn't feel like nothing.

And then, right alongside the fear -

“I think I may be starting a new job soon. I’ll be working in Laurel, Mississippi for five weeks at a time. I’m very excited about this opportunity and can’t wait to get started. I wish you were here so I could share all this with you. I know you would be excited for me.” (This also didn't turn out as expected.)

That’s been the pattern, Charlie.

Hard things.
Good things.
All tangled up together.

And then… the kind of moment that would’ve sent me straight into your arms -

“And not one hour after I sent you this - our baby girl was in a bad car wreck!”

She’s okay. Bruised. Shaken. Learning about grown-up problems now - insurance, banks, responsibility. You would’ve handled that situation so much better than I did… but I did the best I could.

I always do.

There are moments I wish you could see me now.

“You know a year ago, I finally decided to go into safety. I had to harness up and climb a 30-foot ladder straight up. I was shaking like a leaf on a windy day… but I DID IT!”

I wanted you there for that so bad.
I wanted to hear you say you were proud of me.

“I got a job! I start at Shintech on Thursday! I’m so excited and scared at the same time. I wish you were here for me to tell you all about it… or to give me advice about the plant.”

That was a turning point, Charlie. The beginning of something I never saw coming for myself.

And in between all of it… the quiet, aching moments never really left.

“I was sleeping and I heard your voice so clear. Even after I woke up, it took me a second or two to remember you are not here anymore.”

That one… still gets me.

And then there’s the real-life stuff - the kind you would’ve taken the lead on without hesitation. That’s been one of the hardest parts. Not just missing you… but missing your presence in the middle of decisions that matter.

I’ve had to grow in ways I didn’t ask for.

I’ve had to stand on my own in places I never thought I would.

And somewhere along the way… I did.

Not perfectly.
Not gracefully.
But I did it.

And yes… I even tried dating.

Lord help me.

I’ve met a few along the way. Some just passing through, some I thought might be something more - but none of them were you. Not even close.

What I’ve realized is… I’m not just looking for someone to fill space.

I’m looking for what we had.

And I know now - that’s not something you stumble into. That’s something rare.

So here I am, four years later.

Still missing you.
Still talking to you.
Still wishing I could turn and see you sitting there, listening like you always did.

But also…

Stronger than I was.
Braver than I thought I could be.
Still moving forward—whether I feel ready or not.

I hope, wherever you are… you can see me.

And I hope…

you’re proud of me.

Love you always,
Me

2021, Apr 26 - Adventures in Post Loss Dating

 Dearest Charlie,

I really should start making a post each day from now on.  Putting my thoughts in order and on "paper" ...  I have so many thoughts twirling around in my head right now.  Right now, this post will reflect on some of the adventures in dating that I have had.  Since my last post, I have communicated with quite a few fellas.  Met an Army guy, I'll call him Sarge. We have texted back and forth for quite a bit but he is not interested in a relationship. Then I met another fella, one I REALLY like and want, Cowboy Dan.  Cowboy Dan and I have also texted back and forth for nearly 4 months.  I have met him face to face 4 or 5 times.  He also is not interested in a relationship.  But if he were, he and I agreed that we would make a fine match.  So, I tossed both Sarge and Cowboy back into the pond.   I have casually been having text conversations with this guy and that guy, and eventually they all reveal they want the same thing. I've gotten quite annoyed and disgusted; and have my towel aimed to toss. But, then ... just this week, I met another, Fireman.  

We've talked and texted quite a bit over the past week, and he's been a breathe of fresh air.   Fireman quickly asked me on 3 dates in 4 days!  He wasn't satisfied with talks on the phone, he actually wanted to spend some time with me!  What an odd idea!  

He is more of a talker than a texter (YAY!). As he was out of town for the weekend, he stayed contact, calling to chat between his activities.

Last night he called, we had good conversation, it flowed well, and then he asked me if I would like to accompany him for -

Thurs evening: Dinner date

Saturday evening: Fireman’s Award Banquet

Sun afternoon: Motorcycle ride

So, Thursday evening:

We met up at a local steakhouse where we sat and talked while eating. After dinner, I rode with him in his truck to a little spring carnival not far from the restaurant. We strolled around, holding hands because he has long legs and walks fast and I needed to slow him down. I had already done my cardio for the day! We did not ride any rides, just looked at the bright lights and the little kiddos having fun. Though we had mostly good conversation, his favorite topic seems to be politics and the future state of our country. When I could say something, I tried to redirect and ask how long he’s been a fireman and what inspired him, yada yada. He’s a transplant to my area so I asked about his area too. The only thing I did NOT like is that he isn’t very flirty and he didn’t ask much about me and my life. I was also quiet about myself and did not volunteer. After the stroll, he drove me back to my car and we parted with a hug (no kiss - though I think he expected one) and a quick discussion of plans for Saturday’s awards banquet. He requested that I text him upon my safe arrival at home. This morning - he texted me good morning and wished me a good day.

Saturday's events first: The awards banquet - I opted to drive to his apartment, then rode with him to the banquet. The reason for this was due to location and proximity of the banquet to my residence. The event was on his side of town, so it made no sense for him to come get me, and go all the way back to that side of town, then bring me home.  At the banquet, I was able to observe his interactions with his peers and was pleased with what I saw. He also seemed more relaxed than he did on the Thursday date. We ended the evening with a hug and a "Rest well". Again, he asked me to text him when I got home.

Sunday's motorcycle ride:  Because I play the piano at the church, the ride had to wait until services were over.  I informed him that I had to get back to the church by 5 p.m. for choir rehearsal. We began our ride at 1. He was dressed in his biker gear - i.e. cut with patches for those who know. We stopped at a little Hole-In-The-Wall for a late lunch, where all heads turned when we walked in. I mean, heads turn when bikers enter anyway, but when he's 6'4", well, he naturally gets a little more attention. After eating, we resumed our ride, neither one of us looking at the time. When we did, we realized we were pushing it to get me back to my car etc. He offered to take me to church and hang out while I did my thing, THEN return me to my car.

While at choir rehearsal, we had some sound system issues, and lo and behold, Fireman knows his sound system stuff! He did his thing in the sound booth, and I did mine at the keyboard. By the end of the hour, the church choir and director have adopted him as the newest member of our little family, dubbing him Biker Fireman! The director offered to put him on the Sunday sound system schedule! LOL He politely declined due to other obligations.

When it was time to go, we left the church, and this church lady (me) donned her helmet, climbed on the back of this Harley behind him, and we roared out of the parking lot with my hands in the air and a loud WooHoo! We got back to his apartment, dismounted, and laughed at the events that transpired. He jokingly said, "The rumors are gonna be flying now and they're gonna have you married to me by tomorrow night!" LOL

We visited and talked a little more, with him now sharing and revealing some more personal stuff. In the end, we decided that though we had a lot of fun, our plans for the next few years take us in very different directions. He gave me another hug, said he was so glad that he met me and looks forward to many years of a good friendship. Once again, he asked me to text him when I got home. Which I did. I also made a short 30 second video of our ride and sent it to him.

I can't tell you how much I miss you and wish you were here. I really don't like this new life.

Love,

Me

2020, Nov 1 - Attempts at Postloss Dating

 Dearest Charlie,

I cannot believe how distracted I have been over the past year.  I have really let you down.  I tried the dating and relationship thing.  Got burned twice.  Lemme tell ya about it.

I shall call them by their nicknames.  So, you know, at least I think you do, about Sugarlips.  If not, lemme start at the beginning.  

I met Sugarlips online, at OurTime.com.  He started out just messaging me with no photo for reference. I had no idea what he looked like.  We messaged back and forth for a bit before exchanging phone numbers.  For a while, I knew him as Sugarlips Sims.  After talking on the phone for about 6 weeks, we decided to meet.  He sent me a pic and I thought he was attractive.  The night we met, there was an instant magnetic connection.  It was unreal.  I hadn't felt that since you my Dahlin'.  I missed it.  

During conversation, I felt something was off though.  I told him that he wasn't who he said he was.  He insisted that he was.  I almost asked for his ID but was distracted by an aptly timed ambulance.  He took advantage of the distracted and changed the subject. I didn't get a chance to ask again for his ID.  

We ended the evening and parted.  I had a long drive planned for the next day.  While on the drive, he kept calling to check on me.  As if he could've come to rescue me if there was a problem.  After every phone call, I would say to him, "Sugarlips, I know you are not who you say you are."  My bullshitometer was going berserk.  By the time I reached my destination some 8 hours later, he finally confessed to me that he was actually Sugarlips Erwin.  That was my first red flag - and yet I ignored it. 

He explained that was actually married for the 2nd time (on paper only) and lived at the address with his wife, her mother, and her two sisters.  He lived in his shop 100 feet away from the house.  Two weeks later, he began divorce proceedings and moved in with his daughter.  Eventually, he lost everything keeping only a house and two acres he owned before this marriage.

During our long distance relationship, (we lived 130 miles apart), there were numerous red flags that popped up, and I kept hitting my bullshitometer snooze button.  Fast forward to March 2020, when he begged me to move in with him.  For two weeks, he constantly begged and pleaded.  And then suddenly started easing off.  I went ahead and packed up to move in.  I made the drive up there.  Only to be told "Turn your ass around and go home."  He then cut off all communication.  

Four days later, I see he has a new picture up on Facebook with a new girlfriend.  A much younger woman named Jennifer.  I was devastated.  

This experience threw me back into that black hole of grief that I was in when you died.  I lost 20 pounds in 4 weeks.  Then, I met someone else.  

I got on Tinder, because that seemed to be the quickest way to meet someone.  I met a nice man I called Batman.  He was awesome.  He was such a great guy to talk to.  Admittedly, I talked to him an awful lot about Sugarlips.  He did not appreciate that much but he was very patient and compassionate.  I told him about you too.  I think ya'll could have been buddies.  I think you might have liked him.  He was in the oil field business so ya'll would have had that in common.  

He also was a theatre kid, so he and I had that in common.  He was a single dad to two teen daughters the same ages as ours.  We had THAT in common.  We had a LOT in common.  We talked for hours.  I really enjoyed those conversations about everything under the sun.  BUT he would never commit to me. Kept telling me that he didn't want to be under anyone's thumb. Even said a time or two that I was overbearing. My bullshitometer was malfunctioning.  It was not blaring like it did with Sugarlips.  I didn't see any red flags with Batman.  He was patient.  He slowly unfurled one red flag at a time.

He revealed that he was still legally married to his wife of 25 years, though they have been living apart for 8 of those years.  He has an on again/off again girlfriend that he cannot seem to shake.  He got involved with me in order to get under her skin.  She was not threatened by me.  So, he reconnected with another woman, a younger woman named Jennifer, with whom he and the GF had a past.  On Oct 13, 2020:  He actually told me to my face that GF was not threatened by ME.  That he could MARRY me and it would not bother her.  But, OH, he gets involved with Jennifer and THAT would get under GF's skin.  She would go ballistic once she found out.  

He held me while I cried over his rejection.  I thought that was nice of him to do.  I felt he was a decent guy for doing that instead of dumping me and cutting off all communication the way Sugarlips had.  He checked on me, texted me, called me to check on me.  Jennifer stayed with him everynight since they reconnected.  She's practically moved in with him.  

On Halloween night, he texted me Happy Halloween.  He asked how I was doing.  We texted a few texts back and forth and then I got one that said, "Ok.  Got busted."  I did not reply.

This morning, his text to me said, "Awesome.  Got Caught so do not text or call me again."  And he cut off all communication.  Just like Sugarlips.

That's 2 strikes in the past 6 months.  I have been dumped TWICE for a younger woman named Jennifer and the 2nd one doesn't seem to realize that she is being used ... but she will.  He'll mess up again and be alone.  He might even call me.  But I can't be bothered with all his issues.

The rejection hurts.  Not as bad as losing you hurt, but nonetheless.  I try to get out and meet new people and I get caught up with these yahoos.    Baby, I miss you so much.  I am so lost without you.  I wish you were here.

Love always,

Me

2019, Jun 10 - Decluttering the House

Dearest Charlie,

I know that in one of my earlier posts, I mentioned that I was going to start de-cluttering the utility room.  Well, it took me a while.  I tried.  But the first thing I put my hand on was the hospital bag with your slippers still inside.  I couldn't de-clutter then.  Fast Forward a year, and I started getting it done.  I think it was April (?), I can't remember.  I've been doing a little at a time.

It took me 3 days to do the utility room.  Another couple of days for the kitchen.  OH!  I found your dogtags and military medals!  I was so excited to find them!  Why in the world did you put them on top of the kitchen cabinet?  I ALMOST threw them away not knowing what was inside that little plastic bag!  Thank heavens I opened it to see what it was!  I bought a little shadow box and put the pins and medals in that for display next to your flag.

OH, and you'd be so excited to hear this too!  The Teen got MARRIED!  YEP!  Him and K finally tied the knot!  They even got a picture printed of you to put on the memory table at their wedding.  They then went on a honeymoon to Sandals resort in Jamaica.  They had a really great time and he was so excited about it.   He misses you very much also.  He is still driving that old truck you gave him.  Somehow, he's keeping it going!

After the wedding, I got back to de-cluttering and tackled our bedroom.  I cannot believe how much STUFF we have accumulated over the years!  Good-NESS!  When The Teen went in during a visit, he nearly fell over!  He hollered, "MOM!  Have you been ROBBED?"

I de-cluttered the living room and dining area too, hauling off boxes and boxes of stuff to Goodwill and burning the rest. Slowly, the house is coming back together on the inside. But Dahlin', it's falling apart on the outside.  It's only a matter of time before something will HAVE to be done.  The marriage wall that holds the two halves together is coming apart inside due to the house becoming unlevel and sinking in the mud.  I don't understand why you put it where it is.  Just a few more feet forward and it would be on a more solid foundation.

No matter now though.  I'll just have to figure out what to do, if anything, and take care of it.
Well, enough about that.

Your 2nd Father's Day in Heaven is approaching.  Tell PawPaw and Granny we said hello and we miss them too.  I guess you've seen Steve and both of you met Wade when he arrived.  We love and miss you all tremendously.

Love Always,
Me

2019, Jun 6 - 16 months and a Dog attack

Dearest Charlie,

I am so very sorry that I haven't posted in so long.  I have learned so much and so much has happened since I last wrote a year ago.

I've been really mad at you for a while now.  How dare you leave me in such a position?  Not filing the TAXES?  REALLY?  I had to hire an attorney to untangle the mess.  At this point, I'm not sure what's going to happen.  I just got a letter today from the IRS saying they have received all the documents I sent them and they would give me a "complete response" within 90 days.  Well, here's hoping they feel sorry for me!

The girls have been coping pretty good this year.  Little Bird has really developed artistically and is using that as her outlet.  She has come so FAR!  Roo - well, now, THIS child is REALLY yours!  Good Lawd!  All I can say in just a few words is that she's been a HANDFUL!  Disrespect, Disobedience, Theft, among just a few things.  However, she's gotten better during this past month.

On Thursday, I drove her to a friends house to deliver a birthday gift.   Though I saw a Beware of Dog sign, I really didn't think much of it.  I had been there before and so had she and neither one of us ever had any problems with the 4 dogs (a pit, 2 pit mix boxers, a catahoula mix).  I parked the car and told her to take the gift to her friend.  I had no intentions of getting out of the car.

The 4 dogs came up and approached her, sniffing her hands, acting friendly, barking a little, but nothing of concern.  Then as she tried to get closer to the house, they got more aggressive.  Jumping on her, scratching her, nipping at her jeans and though not yet biting, they were catching the fabric on her jeans.  She ended up dropping the gift in the driveway and slowly made her way back to the car.  As she reached, the car, the dogs determined that she was not going to get in.  She opened the car door, then they started biting flesh and they began pulling her away from the car!

She stayed calm and managed to get inside the car and closed the door on the head of one dog.  I honked the horn and, for a second got their attention, then I threw the gear in reverse and began moving.  The attack was stopped and then Roo fell apart.

I took her home and told her to get in the shower with antibacterial soap.  Then I took her to the ER to get checked out and make a report.  The owner called to check on her and informed me that this was the 2nd attack in as many months!  The dogs had to be quarantined for 10 days.  Two will be put down and the other two re-homed.  I felt bad that he's losing his dogs but sheesh Charlie!

I really NEED you here to deal with such things!  When I got home, I kept trying to remember what it is that you would do in such a situation.  Would you have gone down there and shot the dogs?  Would you have gone with filing a report?  What would you have done?  I can't remember anymore!

I miss you so much!  I miss our life together.  I miss having you around our girls.  I miss even hearing you snore.  I miss everything about you.  I wish I didn't have to live without you now.

Love,
Me

2019, Apr 17 - Your ashes

Dearest Charlie,

I just wanted to let you know that I changed my mind about scattering you hither and yon.  I found that there was no way I could afford a plane ticket to Alaska to scatter you up there.  Besides, I'm not sure I'm very welcome anyway.  I'll have to tell you about that another time.

Today, Church Funeral Services buried your brother Wade's ashes at the foot of your parents grave.  I decided you might be happier there as well, so I took you to be buried also.  They did give me a handful of your ashes to scatter on the home place though.  So I do have part of you.  I just don't know WHAT part of you I have.  :D  Maybe your right arm.  Anyway, I will scatter you back at the deer plot and behind the house off the bayou.  Your favorite places to roam.  Will that be okay with you?  You don't have to answer, I'm just going to assume it will be.

I saw a cardinal yesterday.  I don't see them often, but when I do, I like to think that you are somehow dropping by to check on me and the girls.  This cardinal just hopped around the yard for a VERY long time.  Hop Hop Hop about 3 inches at a time.  He looked really healthy though, so I just guess he was hunting for crickets or something.  He flew away when I made a move to open the front door for a closer look.

We love and miss you so much, my Love.

Love,
Me

2018, Jul 9 - Love Worms

Hey baby,

I sure do miss you.

Sometimes I feel you nearby, so close I can almost feel your hand in mine. And then there are times when I really need you close… and you’re just not there.

I need your advice, my love. On so many things.

I’m not doing well.

Back in May, I was the high-morals, piano-playing church lady. I felt like I was under too much pressure at the piano, so I stepped down. And when I did, it felt like a house had been lifted off of me.

But then… I started slipping.

I began going out to bars, looking for something. Companionship. A dance partner. Something.

Looking back over the last few weeks, I think I’ve danced maybe four dances total. So that part hasn’t exactly worked out.

I met someone who took up space in my mind for a few weeks. But this weekend, it hit me - you wouldn’t like him. Not at all. In fact, you’d probably call him your favorite word… a worm.

I’ve been calling him a weasel.

Either way, he hasn’t been good for me, and I know it. I made a mistake letting him into my life.

He’s gone now.

And I’m left here missing you.

I want you back, but I know that’s not possible. You’re not here… and some days that reality is just hard to carry.

The loneliness without you is so hard to explain.

I never imagined it could feel like this.

Even when I went through that divorce before we met… it wasn’t this bad.

Not even close.

I miss you.

I miss your lips, I kissed at night,
The warmth of your body up next to me tight!
The love we once shared I'll never forget!
The chance I took I'll never regret!
Finding love again is a tough call!
I feel like this woman has put up a wall!!
I know no two people are exactly the same,
If I don't find love again, I know I'm to blame!!
So help me God to try and understand
Gimme a sign, or a lending hand!!
I've tried to move on and tried to let go!!
But my love for my husband always will show!!

I love you so much my Charlie.  

2018, Jun 25: Fathers Day/Birthday/Mowing the Lawn

Hey honey.  Just wanted to give you an update on what happened last weekend.  I was down.  Way down.  Laid crying in bed for 5 days down.  Father's Day was hard.  None of your older 4 called us.  None of them checked on the girls.  I wanted to do a special video for you for Father's Day but M2 said, "What's the point?  He's DEAD!".  That hurt.  We finally ended up doing a video and I posted it but not for Father's Day.  

As you know, my birthday was right after that.  I turned 51 Charlie.  Remember last year?  Remember when I was so depressed because I couldn't do what I wanted to for my 50th birthday?  Well, it happened again this year.  I didn't get to take the trip I wanted.  NONE of the kids remembered my birthday.  NONE of them sent me a card or said anything to me.  It's just another day I guess.  

I have a friend.  A guy friend.  If you can call him that.  Actually, I think YOU would call him a worm.  And the more I get to know this friend, I have to say that I agree with you.  He IS a worm.  BUT THIS WORM remembered my birthday and made it special for a few minutes.  He cooked dinner for me, he gave me a card, he bought me a cake!!, and gave me a dozen roses.  All of it was really meaningless, of course, because he was just trying to be nice but it was more than any of the kids did for me.  Soooo, that was my birthday.  Happy Birthday to me.

The rest of the week has been a roller coaster of emotions.  Up and Down.  I went to see Dr. K the other day.  I've been having some stomach issues for a while.  I thought it was digestive.  Turns out that's not what it is at all.  His tech did an ultrasound of my girly parts and found a cyst on the cervix.  When the probe hit the cyst, welllll, allllll those stomach pains immediately flared up.  OUCH!  He didn't even do a biopsy of it.  He said he was gonna watch it and see what it does.  Maybe it'll go away but the pains I've had have been going on for 2 years, so maybe it won't go away.  I dunno.

He did adjust my Buspirone from 7.5 mg to 15 mg.  That's helped with all my non-functionality and the crying jags.  I can actually get out of bed and get stuff done now.  I've been working in the yard.  Your sister and her husband (GT) have helped a LOT with hauling off the junk and tearing down the sheds.  I'm so glad they did because I have no idea what I would have done without them!

Yesterday, I mowed the grass, front and back yards.  I managed to get a rope tangled around the blades of the mower and had to get daddy to help me flip it so I could get to the blades and untangle the rope.  Once I got that done, I was able to finish the yard.  I cut the grass really close in hopes that I won't have to mow again so soon.  I have 2 burn piles ready to go but am scared to burn anything right now due to it being so dry.  I might go ahead and start one tonight though as long as I can sit there with the hose ready.  Otherwise, I might start hauling stuff across the street little by little so it can just rot.

Tonight, I'll start purging the utility room.  There's so much junk collected all over the house that I just don't know what I'm gonna do with it all!  I suppose I can take pics and post it online but that seems to be more trouble than it's worth.  I guess I'll take some time to look at Ebay or Craigslist and see what's going on there.

I'm also trying to figure out what to do with your remains.  I wasn't ready to let go of you earlier this year, but maybe I am now.  At least a little of you.  I need to get a plane ticket and go to Alaska to fish with Tracy.  I need to sprinkle you in the Alaskan Gulf where you enjoyed spending your time with your son.  I need to sprinkle you in the bayou behind the house, and at the deer stand.  I need to go to the Gulf of Mexico and sprinkle some of you there.  Maybe send some of you off for some pretty bead necklaces for the girls.  Then, I need to put the rest of you somewhere.   I was thinking of putting you in the vault with your parents and get your military marker added to theirs. You know, take you home.  If I can't do that, then I may look at a mausoleum in Denham.  I still need to do some research but I'm not going to get it all done today.

I love you and miss you tremendously my Love.  My knight in shining armor.  My Wasp Slayer.  (Remember that? You were so funny!)  Tremendously is not even a big enough word for how much I miss you.  I miss you from the depths of my soul.

Me

2018, Jun 16 - Father's Day/My Birthday/Depression

Hiya Baby,

Some words that have been going through my head lately are bad.  

Rejected. Worthless. Ignored. Friendless. Sad. Depressed. Ugly. Fat. Loveless. Alone. Unwanted. Undesirable. Tired.  And dare I say, or even mention, the word Death.  Yes, Death has crossed my mind.  If I'm so unwanted and undesirable, then why am I still here?  No I'm not suicidal.  Just questioning.  I am Responsible.  Responsible for the girls. I have to get them to college and adulthood successfully.

I have had several people suggestion a grief group or something.  I've been seeing a counselor but it doesn't seem to be helping anymore.  

Tomorrow is Father's Day.  The girls and I recorded a video for you.  It isn't much but it's all we could do for you.  We hope you can hear it in heaven and that you like it.  I really wanted to do something special for your Father's Day this year while we were on the road to Alaska.  Then my birthday is Tuesday also.  My first without you.  No flowers, or special dessert will be expected.  I know you won't be able to do that for me.  

I have been so very depressed.  I plan to see the doctor this week and see if he can give me something for it.  Maybe there's a chill pill that can help cheer me up a little.  If I can just glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel, maybe I can get motivated to take care of some things and move forward.  

I love and miss you so very much My Dahlin'.  So much.

Me.

2018, Jun 13 - Upcoming

Hey Dahlin',

I don't know what you're up to up there in Heaven, but I sure hope you've been keeping an eye on me and the girls.  I'm having to learn how to be a parent to the girls again.  I don't remember how to have fun with them.  

Honey, I don't know how to say this.  I just started dipping my toes in the dating pool.  I'm learning that I'm not ready for it.  I miss you too much.  I keep thinking about you and what you would say. 

Today, I had to take Daddy to the eye doctor.  While we were in the waiting room, he wanted to loudly discuss my finances and succession information.  I was so mad at him about it.

After that, I brought him home and immediately picked up Samantha to take to her "nerve burning clinic" on Essen and Perkins.  After about 2 hours there, we went back to Samantha's place to rest a bit before coming home.

Now, again, I cannot keep the girls quiet!   They are constantly talking or bickering back and forth.

They just got back from their youth trip.  I think they really enjoyed it.  

Well, I guess I'll write to you later.  

Love and miss you so much,

Me.

2018, Jun 11 - The 4th month

Hey baby,  I am so sorry that I have neglected to write to you.  I'm not a very good wife at all.  I wish I knew why you married me in the first place.  I'm not a housekeeper, not a cook, having a real hard time being a good momma to our girls, I'm selfish, I'm ugly and fat, .....  Why DID you marry me?  

Since I last wrote you, I believe, I took a sabbatical from the piano this summer (as we had planned to do for the Alaska Roadtrip That Never Happened), I dropped the girls off last Monday for their youth trip with the church (I didn't have a panic attack or cry like I thought I would.  Something is wrong with me.), spent the week doing nothing ..... except the hall bathroom ... I cleaned the hall bathroom.  I played the piano a little bit and made some videos for Facebook.  I also went and saw a movie by myself, Oceans 8.  

I finally got a flag case for your casket flag.  It looks good sitting at your work station.

I got the phone bill transferred into my name.  Now to work on the cable and internet packages.  Then I'll take all the vehicle titles to the DMV or a notary to get them transferred into my name.  I just hope the fees aren't too bad.

Father's Day is coming up.  So is my birthday just 3 days later.  The girls and I have a surprise for you.  We hope you like it.  

Sweetheart, I love and miss you so much.  

Me

2018, May 27 - Last Sunday

Hey Baby,

So, today was my last day to play piano at Hebron.  I've decided to stop for the summer and make my final decision the end of July.  Sadly, no one said anything to me today when I left.  It's like either nobody believes I'm actually quitting or nobody really knows.    As I left, I mentioned to several people, "Have a great summer!" but nobody said anything.  I was really disappointed.

After church, I had to go into the office to do the paperwork for Youth Camp.  It's the girls first trip without me.  They'll be gone a full week to South Carolina.  I'm praying they have fun and a great time without me.  I wish they'd been able to go last year. 

Last year, when I took the whole summer off and we didn't go anywhere.  Last year, when YOU got to go to Alaska for 10 days WITHOUT me.  I'm still angry about that.  We were supposed to go TOGETHER!  And AGAIN, I can't go.  I had planned to, but the Social Security office is taking their sweet time with figuring out the money stuff.  So, this year, finances simply will not allow us to go.  But NEXT summer, we'll go.  Next summer, I'll take you on that road trip.  Next summer.

This summer, I have to figure out stuff.  Thus today was my last Sunday.

Love and Miss you so much!

Me

2018, May 22 - Piano Decision

Hey Baby!

I just wanted to write and let you know that I made another big decision today.  I think you would be proud.   I decided to take this summer and step away from play piano at church.  The past few summers, you and I had decided to take breaks so we could take trips.  We were supposed to go on that big Alaska road trip this year but, well, God had another trip planned for you.  

So, anyway, I decided to take another break but not for a vacation.  As you know, playing the piano at church puts me in a Leadership position.  But I'm feeling that right now, for me, I am not in a condition to Lead.  I cannot minister to others right now.  Instead, I need to be Led. 

I need to take some time and be alone for a bit to clear my head.  Or at least, ATTEMPT to clear my head.  

Missing you and Loving you so much.

Me

2018, May 21 - Insanity

Hey baby -

God I miss you so much!  Saturday was a day that I am not proud of.  I will not go into detail here but I know that you know what I'm talking about.  It started out okay with the Ladies Tea, but then quickly went downhill from there.

Sunday was not much better.  Went to church with a heavy heart.  Did my duties there.  Then took the girls to lunch and ran by Samantha's to let her dog out to potty.  Jay's mother died Thursday and they had to go to Arkansas to deal with the funeral and stuff.  They couldn't take the dog so I go by their place to let the dog out to potty.  

After that we went to their Spring piano recital.  It was their first one without you babe.  You'd be sooo proud of them both! M1 just BLEW ME AWAY with her playing!  She's really come into her own!  M2 is not far behind!  I predict they'll both be ready for State Rally next year.  

Then I THOUGHT we had to go back to church, but turns out we didn't.  So, we came home, where I took a late nap and just laid around until I had to back to Sam's to let the dog out again.  Tomorrow, I might bring the poor little fella home with us.

I miss you and love you so much.  I wish you were here with me.

Me.

2018, May 19 - Spring Tea

Hey babe,

Just wanted to bring you up to date.  I'm so tired Charlie.  Tired in my heart and soul.  Physically tired.  I had my first panic attack in a while today.  The girls and I went to a Ladies Spring Tea at church this morning.  I was okay about everything until I got half way through the tea.  I'm not sure what happened.  I was sitting there, chatting, started talking about you but I wasn't crying or anything.  I even was smiling as I was talking about you!  Suddenly, my heart was racing and I couldn't breathe!

I had to get up during prayer and make my way out to the restroom.  I was looking for somewhere to lay down before I fell down.  I did not feel well at all.  I'm going crazy.  I was so embarrassed!

I miss you and love you so much!

Me

2018, May 15 - Mother's Day Plus

Hello my Love,

I'm so sorry I haven't written in a few days.  There's just so much to keep up with.  On Friday, I had my counseling session.  I explained my dreams about you to the counselor.  Saturday, M1 had a birthday party to go to and I spend some time alone with M2.  

Sunday was Mother's Day.  Our first one without you here.  Kyle came to church and took me and the girls to lunch at P-Beau's.  It was really nice.  Then, he did something that made me cry.  He stepped up.  He offered to do what you would've done if you'd been here.  He offered to take the girls to the store to get something from them to me for Mother's Day.  He was so sweet to do that!  However, he did not get to.  I thought I had to be back at church, so I told him not to worry about it.  As soon as we parted ways, I got the text that I did NOT have to be back at church.  So much for that.  So, I came home and took a 3 hour nap. 

On Monday, I had to get up early and drive Samantha up to Zachary.  I thought I would be up there all day.  But it was finished early.  So, I drove her back to her house, then came home.  As soon as I got home, I spotted her keys on the center console of the truck.  That meant that I had to drive ALL the WAY back up to her place to return the keys.  As soon as I completed that task, I came back home.  I ran a big tub of hot water and climbed in.  My body is physically tired.  My soul is tired.  My emotions have been running the gamut.   I miss you so much.  You should be here with us.  

I'm so very sorry about the morning you passed over.  I was so scared that my tears would scare you.  I never wanted you to see me crying and that be the last thing that you see.   I should never have left your side.  I will regret that for the rest of my days.  I should not have walked away from you.   

M1 is having a hard time and is counseling for it.  She is doing better though.  I think I got her in there at the right time.  M2 is doing well and hasn't expressed any need for the counseling.  I think I'll schedule an appointment for her though, just in case.

Today, I had a doctor's appointment and then met with a friend for lunch.  Then I took M1 to her counseling session.  After that, I came home and found your sister's husband Gary here doing some brush cutting.  We started a burn pile and I was hauling limbs from all around to put on the burn pile.  The back yard is looking really good now!  He also cut the trash shrubs from along the side of the driveway.  

Tomorrow, I will go to my weekly widow's meeting.  Then, I'll get the girls from school so M2 can do her musicianship club requirements.  After that, M2 will have her guitar lesson and then we'll go to church.  Somewhere in there, I will take a nap or two.

We miss and love you so very much.  You were and will always be adored.

Your loving wife,

Me