20 ways to say “I love you”

I am typing this article from a clipping I saved dated May 2002 of Redbook magazine written by Nancy Evans
Nancy Evans is a founder and the editor-in-chief of the online women's network iVillage.com (http://www.ivillage.com/).


Of course you're crazy about your kids. Below, tips that'll show them just how much.

Like most moms, you probably can't begin to count the ways your love expresses itself, from the shoes tied to the knee scrapes made "all better." Nor do you track the sleep lost or worries concealed. Your love – and the ways you show it – is boundless, all-embracing, as natural as breathing.If we're lucky, those feelings get reflected back to us in priceless ways, such as homemade cards that say "I love you" and a grateful hug after a comforting talk.

All the more reason to go ahead and outdo yourself. Shower your kids with maternal love in grand style with these ideas from the women at iVillage.com.And by the way: Happy Mother's Day.

1. "My daughter and I squeeze hands three times to say "I love you." It's a sweet secret between us."
2. "I wrap my kids' lunch sandwiches in colored waxed paper an dseal them with heart stickers for a midday 'hug'."
3. "My husband uses a turkey baster to make pancakes in the shapes of our kids' favorite things: hockey sticks, paper dolls, Mickey Mouse, whatever!"
4. "I frame and display my kids' artwork, straight A's, and varsity letters. It tells them I love to show them off!"
5. "I taught my daughter how to say 'I love you' in sign language: Hand upright, with the middle and ring fingers bent down and the thumb, index finger, and pinkie extended. We sign as she's riding away on the school bush each morning."
6. "Every year on the eve of my daughter's birthday, I sneak into her room while she's sleeping and decorate it with streamers and balloons. She loves waking up in a birthday fairyland!"
7. "I ask my children all the time, 'Have I told you lately that I love you?' Usually they say, 'Yes, ten minutes ago,' but it gets my point across!"
8. "I've started writing yearly 'love letters' to my children and putting them away in their baby books. I talk about their likes and dislikes, their quirks, and important events in their lives so they'll always have a reminder of how blessed I feel to be their mother."
9. "Every night as they lie in bed, I tell my children 'I love you bigger than the sky,' and I hold my arms out as far as I can. My kids look forward to it."
10. "Because I just went back to school, I'm often not at home when my husband puts my daughter to bed. So that I can still 'be' there for her at bedtime, I made tape recordings of myself reading her favorite books."
11. "Recently my husband and I made a family tree with our son. We drew a big heart around his name and hung the tree over our bed to show him that he has a place in our hearts."
12. "My husband and I always ask our daughter about her new favorite thing – band, clothing designer, TV show – so we can treat her to a new CD or shirt after she accomplishes something great. That way she knows we listen!"
13. "Now and then I'll leave work early and surprise my son by picking him up from school. We go out for ice cream and great one-on-one time."
14. "I send my daughter letters and cards, just to say 'Thinking of you.'"
15. "Once a month I give my daughter a manicure and pedicure."
16. "We use a high five to say 'I love you' when my son needs a boost – like before a soccer game – so he won't be embarrassed in front of his friends."
17. "Sometimes I'll treat my kids to a reverse dinner: dessert first!"
18. "When I'm on the phone with a friend and my daughter walks into the room, I mention how great she's doing in school or ballet class. It shows her I'm proud of her."
19. "My husband and I create coupons that say 'No chores' or 'five-minute backrub' for our kids to redeem when they need a lift.
20. "Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!"

Key to long marriage: Do what your wife wants

This article was printed in the Baton Rouge paper on Feb 21, 1998
By Thomas H. Maugh II
Los Angeles Times

Husbands, forget all that psychobabble about active listening and validation.

If you want your marriage to last for a long time, the newest advice from psychologists is quite simple: Just do what your wife says. Go ahead, give in to her.

Active listening, in which one partner paraphrases the other partner's concerns – "So what I hear you saying is …" – is unnatural and requires too much of people in the midst of emotional conflict, says psychologist john Gottman of the University of Washington. "Asking that of couples is like requiring emotional gymnastics," he says.

Gottman and his colleagues studied 130 newlywed couples for six years in an effort to find ways to predict both marital success and failure.

Couples who used such techniques were no more likely to stay together than couples who did not, they are to report today in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, which is published by the National Council on Family Relations.

"We need to convey how shocked and surprised we were by these results for the active listening model," the team admitted in the article.

In fact, Gottman and his colleagues have long recommended active listening to couples seeking counseling and had expected that its use would be a predictor of success in marriages.

That it was not a predictor, he said, suggests that its widespread use in marital counseling should be abandoned.

The marriages that did work well all had one thing in common – the husband was willing to give into the wife.
"We found that only those newlywed men who are accepting of influence from their wives are ending up in happy, stable marriages," Gottman said. The autocrats who failed to listen to their wives' complaints, greeting them with stonewalling, contempt and belligerence were doomed from the beginning, they found.
But the study did not let wives completely off the hook.

Women who couched their complaints in a gentle, soothing, perhaps even humorous approach to the husband were more likely to have happy marriages than those who were more belligerent.

"That type of (belligerent) response is even more exaggerated in violent marriages," he added.
The fact that happily married couples do not normally use active listening is not a surprise, according to psychologist Howard Markman of the University of Denver, author of the 1994 book "Fighting For Your Marriage".

"We've found that in our own studies," he said.

In fact, he argues that Gottman is setting up a "straw man" in the study of active listening and validation, which is another form of recognizing the legitimacy of a spouse's opinions.

"When active listening is taught, it is not because happy couples use it," Markman said.
"We use it to help couples disrupt the negative patterns that predict divorce."
Gottman said he is "very sympathetic" to that idea.

"If you can genuinely listen and be empathetic when you are the target of the complaint, that can be very powerful," he said.

But for the average person, he said, "it is just too hard. The average person meets anger with anger."

The differences between Gottman and Markman are typical of the turmoil in the field of marital counseling.
A 1993 report argued that marital therapy has a relapse rates so high "that the entire enterprise may be in a state of crisis."

A recent Consumer Reports study found that people who underwent such therapy were the least satisfied among people who had undergone any form of psychotherapy.

Gottman's study was designed to identify the factors that naturally contribute to a successful marriage so those might be brought into play in therapy, thereby making it more successful.

"If you want to change marriages," he said, "You have to talk about the 'emotionally intelligent' husband. Some men are really good at accepting a wife's influence, at finding something reasonable in a partner's complaint to agree with." That group represents perhaps a third of all men, he added.

"Another group just rejects all attempts at influence. That's very characteristic of violent men," he said, but a majority of men do it to some extent.

"They feel, 'If I give in on this, I'm going to lose everything. I'm going to be totally manipulated and controlled."

That is not to say that men are the source of all problems in a marriage, he hastens to add.
But changing the attitudes of men "is a very powerful lever" in changing the course of a marriage.

"The only way to change marriage for the better is to improve the quality of friendship between a husband and wife and to help them deal with disagreements differently," Gottman says.

"There has to be a kind of gentleness in the way conflict is managed. Men have to be more accepting of a woman's position, and women have to be more gentl in starting up discussions."

The pleasures of being a mom,

33 little things that we really love about it
Copied from an article printed in Redbook Magazine, May 2002.
By Veronique Vienne


Parenting can be a tough job, but the rewards are endless. In the spirit of Mother's Day, we thought we'd name just a few of the ways little people enrich your lives.
12 REASONS TO HAVE CHILDREN: Why go to the trouble of having kids? Consider the following:

1. You wish to pass on to posterity the best qualities of your mate.
2. You wish to pass on to posterity your sense of humor.
3. You need a good excuse for baking chocolate-chip cookies.
4. You need an excuse for being broke.
5. You love children.
6. You love major disruptions.
7. You'd like to give your parents a grandchild.
8. You'd like to give your in-laws a chance to treat you as their own child.
9. You want to be the mother of his children.
10. You are ready to settle down.
11. You are ready to learn to blow someone else's nose.
12. You are ready to experience pure joy in your lifetime.

MOM-ISMS THAT REALLY WORK: Your kids will respect you if you tell them the truth. When they ask you why you want them to behave a certain way, don't try to bribe, threaten, or deceive them, or lose your patience and declare, "Because I say so." Try these fresh answers instead:

1. Because we'll both feel better when it's over.
2. Because I'm running out of ideas for getting you to put your socks on.
3. Because I'm bigger than you are.
4. Because I really need you to help me get out of the house on time.
5. Because I don't want the lady across the street to think I'm a bad mom.
6. Because you don't have a better offer yet.
7. Because you I don't feel like getting mad at you right now.
8. Because you don't want to give people who don't like kids more reasons to be right.
9. Because you are my best friend on earth.

CUTE NAMES TO CALL YOUR KID: Kids are so cute, we sometimes say, "I love you so much, I could just eat you right up!" Need more inspiration for putting your love into words? Then in addition to the nicknames you already call your little one, try these sweet and silly terms of endearment. They will establish a delicious bond of affection between you and your child, bringing you even closer.

1. Angle Cake
2. Pumpkin
3. Gumdrop
4. Sweetie Pie
5. Dumplin'
6. Cupcake
7. Peanut
8. Honey Bun
9. Sugarplum
10. Sweet Pea
11. Muffin
12. Butter Bean

From the Art of Expecting by Veronique Vienne.