2018, Jul 9 - Love Worms

Hey baby!  I sure do miss you.  I feel you nearby sometimes.  So close I can almost feel your hand in mine.  And then there are times when I really NEED to feel you close and you aren't there.  I need your advice, my love.  On many things.  So many things!

I'm not doing well.  Back in May, I was the high morals piano playing Church lady.  I felt like I was under too much pressure at the piano, so I stepped down.  When I did that, I felt like a house had been lifted offa me.  Then, I started behaving badly.  I started going out to bars.  Looking for quick companionship, dancing partners, or something.  Looking back on the last few weeks though, I think I've danced about 4 dances.  So, the dancing partner thing doesn't seem to be working out.  

I met someone who has take up space in my brain for a few weeks.  I realized this weekend that you would not like him.  In fact, you would call him your favorite word ... you would call him a WORM.  I call him a WEASEL.  Either way, he has not been good for me and I know it.  I have made a mistake allowing him into my life.  So, now he's gone.

I just miss you so badly.  I want you back but I know it's impossible and you are unavailable.  The loneliness without you is so very hard to explain!  I never imagined that it could be this lonely.  Even when I went through that divorce before we met!  It wasn't THIS bad!  

I miss your lips, I kissed at night,
The warmth of your body up next to me tight!
The love we once shared I'll never forget!
The chance I took I'll never regret!
Finding love again is a tough call!
I feel like this woman has put up a wall!!
I know no two people are exactly the same,
If I don't find love again, I know I'm to blame!!
So help me God to try and understand
Gimme a sign, or a lending hand!!
I've tried to move on and tried to let go!!
But my love for my husband always will show!!

I love you so much my Charlie.  

2018, Jun 25: Fathers Day/Birthday/Mowing the Lawn

Hey honey.  Just wanted to give you an update on what happened last weekend.  I was down.  Way down.  Laid crying in bed for 5 days down.  Father's Day was hard.  None of your older 4 called us.  None of them checked on the girls.  I wanted to do a special video for you for Father's Day but M2 said, "What's the point?  He's DEAD!".  That hurt.  We finally ended up doing a video and I posted it but not for Father's Day.  

As you know, my birthday was right after that.  I turned 51 Charlie.  Remember last year?  Remember when I was so depressed because I couldn't do what I wanted to for my 50th birthday?  Well, it happened again this year.  I didn't get to take the trip I wanted.  NONE of the kids remembered my birthday.  NONE of them sent me a card or said anything to me.  It's just another day I guess.  

I have a friend.  A guy friend.  If you can call him that.  Actually, I think YOU would call him a worm.  And the more I get to know this friend, I have to say that I agree with you.  He IS a worm.  BUT THIS WORM remembered my birthday and made it special for a few minutes.  He cooked dinner for me, he gave me a card, he bought me a cake!!, and gave me a dozen roses.  All of it was really meaningless, of course, because he was just trying to be nice but it was more than any of the kids did for me.  Soooo, that was my birthday.  Happy Birthday to me.

The rest of the week has been a roller coaster of emotions.  Up and Down.  I went to see Dr. K the other day.  I've been having some stomach issues for a while.  I thought it was digestive.  Turns out that's not what it is at all.  His tech did an ultrasound of my girly parts and found a cyst on the cervix.  When the probe hit the cyst, welllll, allllll those stomach pains immediately flared up.  OUCH!  He didn't even do a biopsy of it.  He said he was gonna watch it and see what it does.  Maybe it'll go away but the pains I've had have been going on for 2 years, so maybe it won't go away.  I dunno.

He did adjust my Buspirone from 7.5 mg to 15 mg.  That's helped with all my non-functionality and the crying jags.  I can actually get out of bed and get stuff done now.  I've been working in the yard.  Your sister and her husband (GT) have helped a LOT with hauling off the junk and tearing down the sheds.  I'm so glad they did because I have no idea what I would have done without them!

Yesterday, I mowed the grass, front and back yards.  I managed to get a rope tangled around the blades of the mower and had to get daddy to help me flip it so I could get to the blades and untangle the rope.  Once I got that done, I was able to finish the yard.  I cut the grass really close in hopes that I won't have to mow again so soon.  I have 2 burn piles ready to go but am scared to burn anything right now due to it being so dry.  I might go ahead and start one tonight though as long as I can sit there with the hose ready.  Otherwise, I might start hauling stuff across the street little by little so it can just rot.

Tonight, I'll start purging the utility room.  There's so much junk collected all over the house that I just don't know what I'm gonna do with it all!  I suppose I can take pics and post it online but that seems to be more trouble than it's worth.  I guess I'll take some time to look at Ebay or Craigslist and see what's going on there.

I'm also trying to figure out what to do with your remains.  I wasn't ready to let go of you earlier this year, but maybe I am now.  At least a little of you.  I need to get a plane ticket and go to Alaska to fish with Tracy.  I need to sprinkle you in the Alaskan Gulf where you enjoyed spending your time with your son.  I need to sprinkle you in the bayou behind the house, and at the deer stand.  I need to go to the Gulf of Mexico and sprinkle some of you there.  Maybe send some of you off for some pretty bead necklaces for the girls.  Then, I need to put the rest of you somewhere.   I was thinking of putting you in the vault with your parents and get your military marker added to theirs. You know, take you home.  If I can't do that, then I may look at a mausoleum in Denham.  I still need to do some research but I'm not going to get it all done today.

I love you and miss you tremendously my Love.  My knight in shining armor.  My Wasp Slayer.  (Remember that? You were so funny!)  Tremendously is not even a big enough word for how much I miss you.  I miss you from the depths of my soul.

Me

2018, Jun 16 - Father's Day/My Birthday/Depression

Hiya Baby,

Some words that have been going through my head lately are bad.  

Rejected. Worthless. Ignored. Friendless. Sad. Depressed. Ugly. Fat. Loveless. Alone. Unwanted. Undesirable. Tired.  And dare I say, or even mention, the word Death.  Yes, Death has crossed my mind.  If I'm so unwanted and undesirable, then why am I still here?  No I'm not suicidal.  Just questioning.  I am Responsible.  Responsible for the girls. I have to get them to college and adulthood successfully.

I have had several people suggestion a grief group or something.  I've been seeing a counselor but it doesn't seem to be helping anymore.  

Tomorrow is Father's Day.  The girls and I recorded a video for you.  It isn't much but it's all we could do for you.  We hope you can hear it in heaven and that you like it.  I really wanted to do something special for your Father's Day this year while we were on the road to Alaska.  Then my birthday is Tuesday also.  My first without you.  No flowers, or special dessert will be expected.  I know you won't be able to do that for me.  

I have been so very depressed.  I plan to see the doctor this week and see if he can give me something for it.  Maybe there's a chill pill that can help cheer me up a little.  If I can just glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel, maybe I can get motivated to take care of some things and move forward.  

I love and miss you so very much My Dahlin'.  So much.

Me.

2018, Jun 13 - Upcoming

Hey Dahlin',

I don't know what you're up to up there in Heaven, but I sure hope you've been keeping an eye on me and the girls.  I'm having to learn how to be a parent to the girls again.  I don't remember how to have fun with them.  

Honey, I don't know how to say this.  I just started dipping my toes in the dating pool.  I'm learning that I'm not ready for it.  I miss you too much.  I keep thinking about you and what you would say. 

Today, I had to take Daddy to the eye doctor.  While we were in the waiting room, he wanted to loudly discuss my finances and succession information.  I was so mad at him about it.

After that, I brought him home and immediately picked up Samantha to take to her "nerve burning clinic" on Essen and Perkins.  After about 2 hours there, we went back to Samantha's place to rest a bit before coming home.

Now, again, I cannot keep the girls quiet!   They are constantly talking or bickering back and forth.

They just got back from their youth trip.  I think they really enjoyed it.  

Well, I guess I'll write to you later.  

Love and miss you so much,

Me.

2018, Jun 11 - The 4th month

Hey baby,  I am so sorry that I have neglected to write to you.  I'm not a very good wife at all.  I wish I knew why you married me in the first place.  I'm not a housekeeper, not a cook, having a real hard time being a good momma to our girls, I'm selfish, I'm ugly and fat, .....  Why DID you marry me?  

Since I last wrote you, I believe, I took a sabbatical from the piano this summer (as we had planned to do for the Alaska Roadtrip That Never Happened), I dropped the girls off last Monday for their youth trip with the church (I didn't have a panic attack or cry like I thought I would.  Something is wrong with me.), spent the week doing nothing ..... except the hall bathroom ... I cleaned the hall bathroom.  I played the piano a little bit and made some videos for Facebook.  I also went and saw a movie by myself, Oceans 8.  

I finally got a flag case for your casket flag.  It looks good sitting at your work station.

I got the phone bill transferred into my name.  Now to work on the cable and internet packages.  Then I'll take all the vehicle titles to the DMV or a notary to get them transferred into my name.  I just hope the fees aren't too bad.

Father's Day is coming up.  So is my birthday just 3 days later.  The girls and I have a surprise for you.  We hope you like it.  

Sweetheart, I love and miss you so much.  

Me

2018, May 27 - Last Sunday

Hey Baby,

So, today was my last day to play piano at Hebron.  I've decided to stop for the summer and make my final decision the end of July.  Sadly, no one said anything to me today when I left.  It's like either nobody believes I'm actually quitting or nobody really knows.    As I left, I mentioned to several people, "Have a great summer!" but nobody said anything.  I was really disappointed.

After church, I had to go into the office to do the paperwork for Youth Camp.  It's the girls first trip without me.  They'll be gone a full week to South Carolina.  I'm praying they have fun and a great time without me.  I wish they'd been able to go last year. 

Last year, when I took the whole summer off and we didn't go anywhere.  Last year, when YOU got to go to Alaska for 10 days WITHOUT me.  I'm still angry about that.  We were supposed to go TOGETHER!  And AGAIN, I can't go.  I had planned to, but the Social Security office is taking their sweet time with figuring out the money stuff.  So, this year, finances simply will not allow us to go.  But NEXT summer, we'll go.  Next summer, I'll take you on that road trip.  Next summer.

This summer, I have to figure out stuff.  Thus today was my last Sunday.

Love and Miss you so much!

Me

2018, May 22 - Piano Decision

Hey Baby!

I just wanted to write and let you know that I made another big decision today.  I think you would be proud.   I decided to take this summer and step away from play piano at church.  The past few summers, you and I had decided to take breaks so we could take trips.  We were supposed to go on that big Alaska road trip this year but, well, God had another trip planned for you.  

So, anyway, I decided to take another break but not for a vacation.  As you know, playing the piano at church puts me in a Leadership position.  But I'm feeling that right now, for me, I am not in a condition to Lead.  I cannot minister to others right now.  Instead, I need to be Led. 

I need to take some time and be alone for a bit to clear my head.  Or at least, ATTEMPT to clear my head.  

Missing you and Loving you so much.

Me

2018, May 21 - Insanity

Hey baby -

God I miss you so much!  Saturday was a day that I am not proud of.  I will not go into detail here but I know that you know what I'm talking about.  It started out okay with the Ladies Tea, but then quickly went downhill from there.

Sunday was not much better.  Went to church with a heavy heart.  Did my duties there.  Then took the girls to lunch and ran by Samantha's to let her dog out to potty.  Jay's mother died Thursday and they had to go to Arkansas to deal with the funeral and stuff.  They couldn't take the dog so I go by their place to let the dog out to potty.  

After that we went to their Spring piano recital.  It was their first one without you babe.  You'd be sooo proud of them both! M1 just BLEW ME AWAY with her playing!  She's really come into her own!  M2 is not far behind!  I predict they'll both be ready for State Rally next year.  

Then I THOUGHT we had to go back to church, but turns out we didn't.  So, we came home, where I took a late nap and just laid around until I had to back to Sam's to let the dog out again.  Tomorrow, I might bring the poor little fella home with us.

I miss you and love you so much.  I wish you were here with me.

Me.

2018, May 19 - Spring Tea

Hey babe,

Just wanted to bring you up to date.  I'm so tired Charlie.  Tired in my heart and soul.  Physically tired.  I had my first panic attack in a while today.  The girls and I went to a Ladies Spring Tea at church this morning.  I was okay about everything until I got half way through the tea.  I'm not sure what happened.  I was sitting there, chatting, started talking about you but I wasn't crying or anything.  I even was smiling as I was talking about you!  Suddenly, my heart was racing and I couldn't breathe!

I had to get up during prayer and make my way out to the restroom.  I was looking for somewhere to lay down before I fell down.  I did not feel well at all.  I'm going crazy.  I was so embarrassed!

I miss you and love you so much!

Me

2018, May 15 - Mother's Day Plus

Hello my Love,

I'm so sorry I haven't written in a few days.  There's just so much to keep up with.  On Friday, I had my counseling session.  I explained my dreams about you to the counselor.  Saturday, M1 had a birthday party to go to and I spend some time alone with M2.  

Sunday was Mother's Day.  Our first one without you here.  Kyle came to church and took me and the girls to lunch at P-Beau's.  It was really nice.  Then, he did something that made me cry.  He stepped up.  He offered to do what you would've done if you'd been here.  He offered to take the girls to the store to get something from them to me for Mother's Day.  He was so sweet to do that!  However, he did not get to.  I thought I had to be back at church, so I told him not to worry about it.  As soon as we parted ways, I got the text that I did NOT have to be back at church.  So much for that.  So, I came home and took a 3 hour nap. 

On Monday, I had to get up early and drive Samantha up to Zachary.  I thought I would be up there all day.  But it was finished early.  So, I drove her back to her house, then came home.  As soon as I got home, I spotted her keys on the center console of the truck.  That meant that I had to drive ALL the WAY back up to her place to return the keys.  As soon as I completed that task, I came back home.  I ran a big tub of hot water and climbed in.  My body is physically tired.  My soul is tired.  My emotions have been running the gamut.   I miss you so much.  You should be here with us.  

I'm so very sorry about the morning you passed over.  I was so scared that my tears would scare you.  I never wanted you to see me crying and that be the last thing that you see.   I should never have left your side.  I will regret that for the rest of my days.  I should not have walked away from you.   

M1 is having a hard time and is counseling for it.  She is doing better though.  I think I got her in there at the right time.  M2 is doing well and hasn't expressed any need for the counseling.  I think I'll schedule an appointment for her though, just in case.

Today, I had a doctor's appointment and then met with a friend for lunch.  Then I took M1 to her counseling session.  After that, I came home and found your sister's husband Gary here doing some brush cutting.  We started a burn pile and I was hauling limbs from all around to put on the burn pile.  The back yard is looking really good now!  He also cut the trash shrubs from along the side of the driveway.  

Tomorrow, I will go to my weekly widow's meeting.  Then, I'll get the girls from school so M2 can do her musicianship club requirements.  After that, M2 will have her guitar lesson and then we'll go to church.  Somewhere in there, I will take a nap or two.

We miss and love you so very much.  You were and will always be adored.

Your loving wife,

Me

2018, May 10 - Sewing Memories

Hey babe.  I love you.  

I wanted to share a little something with you.  You know I've been going to these support group meetings every other week or so.  Well, today, I went in there and we discussed many things as usual, but today, I had a special memory that I shared with them.

I don't remember the dates of this but I do remember it was shortly after we married.  Your mom gave me her old Kenmore sewing machine.  I accepted it with a smile but told you later, "What am I going to do with this?  I don't know how to sew!"  I remember your reaction, when you looked at me with those wide baby blues and said, "You don't know how to sew?  Well, it's time you learned."   You got an old washcloth and cut it in half.  You sat down with that sewing machine at the kitchen table.  You walked me through the threading process.  You handed me those to halves to a washcloth and you said, "Sew it together."  and I did.  You didn't know then what you started.  You didn't know I would graduate from washcloths to dinner napkins to quilts to prom dresses to Disney short sets and much more!  I thank you for kicking me in the rear and getting me going.  Although I'm not doing much sewing now, I'm grateful that you taught me and I have enjoyed using those skills. 

The sewing is just one of the many lessons I learned from you.  I will try to keep writing them down as they come to the forefront of my memory.  

I miss you and love you so much.  I wish you were here so I could tell you all about my days and what the girls and I are doing.  I know you can see us.  I know you can hear us when we talk about you and to you.  I know you can't communicate back to us though and I wish you could.  

Missing and Loving you.

Me.

2018, May 5 - Trees and Jonny Cash

Hey babe.

First off, I want to tell you that I dreamed about you this morning.  I was sitting in my recliner here with the laptop on my lap.  You came walking out of the kitchen in your red short sleeve pullover polo and your bahama shorts.  You sat down in your recliner but didn't lay back like you usually do.  You sat on the front half of the seat, leaned over at me and said, "Some things just never change."  I put the laptop aside, loudly said, "Ohmigod!  Ohmigod!" and reached over to touch you.  When I touched your arm, it felt so real!  I jumped up and got on top of you, kissing you, hugging you!  I asked you how heaven was and you said, "There's a lot of gays there."  But then you started to change.  You started wasting away.  It wasn't you anymore.  It claimed to be you but it was someone, or something else.  I asked you to tell me my middle name and you couldn't.  Then I knew it was no longer you.  You were gone again.  I got off of the person/thing I was on top of and rebuked it in Jesus' name.  Then I woke up.  I was so disappointed.  I really wanted to spend more time with you.

Changing the subject now.  Do you remember than guy from down around the campground?  Jonny Cash?  He had the Rottweilers before that Buddy would get tangled with.  Anyway, did you know he cuts down trees?  I didn't!  Samantha and Jay told me about him and gave me his business card.  So, I called him to cut down two pines.  The one in the middle of the front yard.  And the rotten one behind the house.  It's scaring me.  He got the one in the front down today and we'll get that all moved out of the way soon.  He's coming back tomorrow to get the bad one down. 

I love and miss you so much!

Me.

2018, May 8 - Independence

Hey babe. 

Well, I did it.  I got the trees down and the scrap metal sold.  I hate making these kinds of decisions but I don't have a choice anymore.  I HAVE to make them.  I never realized just how dependent I was on you.  I thought I was an independent woman but realized this week that I just THOUGHT I was.  I'm in fact, not independent at all!  I WISH you were here to make these manly decisions.  I sometimes don't know what to think or say or do in these situations.  These are things you should be dealing with ... not me.  These men who come to the house to look over the few items left for sale, will bamboozle me into taking 1/2 the price.   

I'm scared Charlie.  I don't want to do this alone.  Raise the girls.  Pay the bills.  Mow the lawn. Fix the motorhome.  I don't want to do this by myself!  I miss you being here.  I miss your hugs.  I miss your kisses.  I miss your smart ass remarks.  I miss your cooking.  I miss your coffee brewing even though I didn't drink it.  I miss your smell.  I miss everything about you.  I miss you.  

The girls are doing better.  This has been a rough week with all the choir rehearsals and performances.  This coming weekend is the girls piano recital as well.  We miss having you here with us to be in the audience.  

My thoughts have been all over the place these past 3 months.  I told you I had a dream about you.  I sleep now waiting for you to revisit me.  I want to see you and touch you again and the only place I can is in my dreams.  

I love you and miss you so much.

Me.

2018, May 4 - Sheet Metal is gone

I'm so sorry baby.  I couldn't keep it.  I know you wanted to build that shed, but I just couldn't keep the stuff.  What was I supposed to do with it?  I had to get rid of it.  The man took it away and gave me $1700 for it.  I feel bad about taking the money.  Like I sold a piece of you.  I'm so sorry.  Please forgive me.

Loving and missing you more.

Me

2018, May 4 - 3 Months, Hurt and Pissed

Hey Babe,

Happy Heavenly Monthiversary.  I guess that's the way you're supposed to say it.  It's 3 months away from you now.  I miss you so much.  I'm so lonely without you.  I've tried to stay busy, to keep my mind occupied.  I started working out and trying to lose some more weight.  I just need to get healthy to be here for the girls.  I'm planning road trips and vacations for me and the girls but none of it is any fun without you.  I went ahead and signed them up for the same summer camps they missed last year.  You told me last year not to sign them up because we were going on the big Alaska tour.  Remember, the one that never happened?  This year was Round 2, but it's not happening either because you went and died on me.  I'm so mad at you for that Charlie.  You weren't supposed to do this to me.

I'm upset with your kids.  Nathan and Josh haven't called.  Nathan has only responded to one text in 3 months.  Otherwise, crickets.  Josh has responded to a voice mail.  Otherwise, more crickets.  Tracy & Brandy at least return calls and texts but they have not initiated any communication. I'm worried for the girls.  I'm afraid these great kids of yours are going to forget us.  It's looking like they already have.  I know they lost their dad.  I know they are grieving as well.  But, hell, Charlie.  The girls are their baby sisters!  At the very LEAST, they should be contacting me to check up on them!  Right?  What will the girls grow to think?  That their older siblings don't give a shit?  Apparently, it's a fact.  I'm hurt for myself and for the girls and pissed that it hasn't happened in the 3 months that you've been gone.

M1 is hurting herself!  She's in pain!  She misses you!  She is in counseling and I don't plan to stop any of it unless I can't afford it.  Then, I'll try another route or something.  M2 SEEMS to be doing okay, but what do I know?  I can't keep it together even for myself.  I'm no good to them without you here.  I'm doing the best I can to keep going and keep them on their routine.  This summer is going to be very difficult.  If the Social Security office ever gets their crap together, then maybe I can plan some fun getaways for us.  We don't want to be home all the time with you not here.  

Don't get me wrong.  I have stuff I need to do here inside the house.  I need to purge each room and closet.  There's 20 years of clutter and boxed up junk to go through.  We're currently searching for your dog tags and service medal.  I know they were here before.  I just can't find them now.  The girls really want the dog tags and would like to each have one of them on a necklace.  I'm doing my best to find them.  

I sit here typing this and hear your windchimes outside.  The attachment on them says, "Listen to the wind and know I am near." but I don't feel you near.  I wish you were.  I wish you had never died.  I wish you were here with me right now, your arms around me, kissing the tears away.  You would know where to look for the dog tags.  You would be helping me with the purging.  Now, I have to do it alone and it hurts.

I love and miss you so much.

Me

2018, May 3 - National Widow's Day

Hey Babe, 

How come we never knew of National Widow's Day?  Is it because we just never paid attention?  I had no idea this day existed! But I'm glad it does.  

The day isn't for celebrating. It's more to bring awareness that widow's aren't just bitter, little old ladies, hiding in their house, wearing black veils and wailing of their loss. They’re amazing, loving, vibrant, beautiful, handsome people with a lot more love and life to give and live. Being widowed is like being on the tilt-a-whirl, bumper-cars, slingshot, roller-coaster and terror-ride then throwing up all at once. And not in a good way!! But I have met some of the most amazing people on this journey. They are superhero strong, wicked funny, southern tea sweet and way more supportive than a sports bra.

I even re-connected with a friend from way back when!  His name is Gene.  He was married when I met him 35 years ago.  George and I actually lived with him, his wife, and their 3 babies for about a month in 1985.  As it turns out, his wife, Emma, passed away just 3 short months before you did, my Love!  Was she waiting for you at the door to heaven?  Did she convince you to conspire with her?  Because Gene and I think it's a little strange that we re-connected the way we did.     

I won't go into it here.  I will save that story for another time.  But we are both convinced you and Emma had something to do with it.  If you did, thank you for that.  Talking with Gene has helped both of us in our grief journey.  It's been comforting to talk to someone who is walking the same walk. 

I love and miss you bunches.

Me

2018, May 2 - More Sheet Metal and He Moved the Piano

Hey Babe,

I am really missing you tremendously this week.  I was telling a friend of mine about your cooking.  your red beans and rice, shrimp tacos, and shrimp and corn chowder.  Man, I'm missing your cooking.  I'm not doing any cooking since you've been gone.  I guess I need to learn because the girls need to eat.  I've been very bad at it.  

So far, the sheet metal has not sold.   There's another fella coming to look at it tomorrow.  I'm praying he takes it because I sure could use the cash right now.

The girls have been giving me some trouble lately.  I pulled the "Dad" card and told them they don't get to speak to me in the tones they have been using.  It's disrespectful and not allowed.  I told them "What do you think your dad would say?" and then they replied, "You didn't have to bring that up!"  To which I responded, "Well, if you two weren't such little A-holes, then I wouldn't HAVE to bring it up!"  They shut up finally and had better attitudes the next morning.  I hate that it seems like we're constantly fighting lately.  I miss the laughter and the fun days we had.  I miss you and I know they do too.

On another note, Destry went and moved the piano to the other side of the stage.  I don't like it at all.  I feel like I've been punished and sent to the corner.   At band practice the other night, I didn't even feel like I was there to begin with.  I was over on the piano bench and completely ignored by everyone there.  I got a look when I began playing a soft song very loudly.  I think I got someone's attention then but couldn't be sure because I never looked up from the sheet music long enough to make eye contact.  I was so angry!  Not just because the piano was moved.  In fact, that wasn't what I was angry about at all.  I was angry at you.  Angry that you would leave us the way you did.  Angry that you aren't here with us like you should be.  And it was coming out in my playing Wednesday night.  The piano getting moved just triggered it.

I miss you so much.  I want you here with us.  I don't want to do the dating thing.  The men these days are dweebs.  None of them will ever measure up to you.

I love you and miss you!!!

Me

2018, Apr 29 - Sheet Metal and 12 weeks

Hey babe.  It's 12 weeks today.  12 weeks since I last held your hand.  12 weeks since I last looked into your eyes.  12 weeks since that last hug and kiss.  12 weeks since we traded, "I love you"s.  God I miss you so much.

I listed your stack of sheet metal on Facebook Marketplace.  A buyer is on his way to look at it.  I am crying over the prospect of it being gone.  Because if that stack of sheet metal is gone, that means your shop will not be built.  That sheet metal has been there for 2 years.  Charlie, I was so aggravated that you never got around to building your shed.  But I'm so used to seeing this stuff stacked here, ready to be used.  And now it won't be, not for your shop. I almost want to keep the stuff here just to keep tripping over it every day.  It'll give me something to complain about.  But if this guy buys it, then it'll be gone.

I love and miss you so very much.

Me.

2018, Apr 28 - Sheet Metal and Self Harm

Hey babe.  I have a couple of things to discuss with you.  Or rather, tell you about .... since discussing it will be one sided.  So, yesterday I went to see my counselor.  I told him about M1 hurting herself.  I also called a counselor for her this week.  She's not cutting .... yet.  But she is rubbing marks on her left arm with an eraser.   She's too pretty to be doing all that to herself!  The counselor said that she's in pain and just doesn't know how to release it.  She's not crying like a normal teen would do.  Instead, she's argumentative and doesn't eat.

The 2nd thing I wanted to discuss was all this sheetmetal!  Blaine came over and counted 8 sheets, 14 feet long, yellow cream tin, 55 sheets, 20 ft long, yellow cream tin.  Then he went over an counted the galvanized 2x4's.  There are 100 of the 10' long sheets and only 8 of the 20'f lenth.

I placed  an ad on Facebook Marketplace.  So far there have been NO his!

Love and miss you bunches.

Sunshire

2018, Apr 27 - 3M of Loneliness

Hey baby - it's me again.  Sorry to be such a pest.  I just want to share with you a few things about the past 3 months.  I guess the main thing I want to talk about tonight is the loneliness.  Even with the girls here, I am lonely.  I miss YOU.  I miss your overly loud sneezes.  I miss your snoring. I miss your essence.  I miss your smell.  I miss having your big strong arms around me.  I wish I could effectively convey just what it is that I miss about you.

I miss our pillow talks.  The way we were just lay there, neither of us sleeping, and talking about absolutely nothing important.  What a waste of time that was.  We should have been talking about important things such as eternity and life insurance. What am I supposed to do with all of your belongings?  How do you want it distributed?  Mostly, how do I live without you? How am I supposed to learn to love again?  Or AM I?  Should I?  Why ever would I?  Do you want me to?

I'm so lonesome here without you.  I sit among our possessions.  Half of it is just junk and dust catchers that need to be culled.  But all of it has a memory attached.  Everything I touch here has a memory attached.  I wish I could just hop in the truck and run away.  Travel the country.  See all the things we were supposed to see together.  I can't though.  I have to take care of the girls.  I have responsibility to them but I don't want to do this alone!  I know I'm supposed to be a stable adult and take care of them, keep them safe.  BUT I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ALONE!  

My thoughts are random and all over the place.  They have been for the past 3 months.  My brain has been, as you would so often say, like a BB in a boxcar.  Bouncing from thought to thought, subject to subject.  I can't focus on one thing anymore.  I have very long conversations with people because I bounce so much!  I swear I have become ADD in a bad way.  The doctor put me on a medicine that is supposed to help with my panic attacks, and it seems that a side affect is to help me focus better.  It also makes me very sleepy which I guess is good considering I haven't been sleeping much.  I sleep only when my eyes cannot stay open anymore and get up when they first pop open.  I don't lay in bed anymore like I used to.  On average, I'm getting about 5 hours of sleep per night with a 1/2 hour cat nap during the day.    I don't like sleeping in our bed without you there.  It's too big.

This weekend is the 12th week that you've been gone.  Almost 3 months.  I would call it 3 months because 12 divided by 4 weeks is, well, 3.  Right?  But the actual monthiversary is next weekend, the 13th week since you died.  The number 12 reminds me of that old Johnny Mathis song, "The 12th of Never".  

I miss you tremendously my Love.  I wish I could see you once more.  Heck, I wish I could just DREAM about you in my sleep but you never show up!  Maybe I'm thinking about you too much for that.  I'll love you, until the 12th of Never, and that's a Long, Long Time.

I miss you so much.

Me

2018, Apr 27 - Flashbacks & Sheet Metal

Hey Babe,

This week has been hard.  First with dealing with the lawnmower .... Daddy got it started and I was able to get the front yard mowed before it died again and I couldn't get it started again.  That same night, it rained hard!  The lawnmower got caught in the rain, because I couldn't get it started and under the shed covering.

On Monday, Apr 23,  I went to the annual Prism Music.  This time it was held in Zachary.  As usual, I was excited to go and hear the new Christmas stuff just being released.  I drove that whole ride on the interstate feeling really positive and upbeat.  Then I exited at Exit 8A and took a right.  Suddenly, I got hit right in my chest by a force so strong that I couldn't breath.  Apparently, I was right in that area that you had to do some inspections and I tagged along with you.  I wasn't expecting all those emotions to ambush me like that!  I'm on my way to a stinkin' music conference!

I cried and cried all the way to the parking lot of the church.  Then I sat in the truck and cried more when I got there.  I finally dried my tears and went inside to hear the music and feel better.

I later thought about it and wondered about dating again.  What if I was on a date and I am ambushed by those feelings again?  Do I just cry?  Will said date understand or will he get jealous of my love for a deceased husband?  This is all so confusing!  I just want my old life back, my old husband back.

Tuesday, Apr 24, I struggled with the lawnmower.

Wednesday, Apr 25, I had an appointment that morning, dance lessons at 2, orthodontist at 3, guitar lessons at 5, and church at 6.  Church had a special guest that night so I came on home.

Thursday, April 26,  I went to volunteer for the first time. On the way, I had another flashback.  This time, I was back at your hospital bed.  Usually, when I have this flashback, it's the same scenario over and over, but I'm asking the nurse different questions each time.  Questions that I never actually asked, but I have thought of since then.  I never believed that flashbacks were a real thing, until now.  In my mind, I really am back by your side.  Then, it's gone and I'm back in real time.  I put some time in at Hope House (the Pregnancy Crisis Center).  I didn't do much.  Just made some copies on a copy machine and helped in the warehouse.  I look forward to going back next week.

Friday, April 27, I saw the counselor today.  Told him about the flashbacks.  He says it's just my brain still processing the trauma.  I asked if I have PTSD.  He said no, but said I do have some Post Traumatic Stress.   But not a disorder that needs treatment.  He gave me more tips to help with coping and I left the session on a positive note.

Tonight, it's just me and M1.  We're about to go over to the Highland Road Observatory to look at the stars.  Tomorrow, she has piano rally.  Blaine and sons are supposed to come over around 2 to help with sorting out all this sheet metal stuff for a more accurate count.  There's a guy in Marksville who wants it and has offered $1500 for the whole shebang.  But I want to be fair to the guy.  So, I want to give him an accurate count and then a counter offer.  I'm strapped for the cash right now but want to be fair.  I wish you were here.

Love and Miss you more than I could ever imagine.

Me.

2018, Apr 24 - Lawnmower and battery

Hey baby!  Just updating on what happened today.  First off, I didn't sleep very well last night.  I dreamt of you, off and on, and kept waking up every few hours.  I finally got out of bed about 10 a.m.  Daddy came over to get me to refill his pill box again.  While he was here, Samantha called me to ask about her income tax return check.  Her mail has been coming here again and apparently, the IRS sent her check here too.  Anyway, I found it and she requested that I drive it over to her.  So, I did.  When I got there, her dad was there, and I stayed and visited with both of them for a few minutes.

Then I went to my ballroom dance lesson for an hour.  On the way home, I stopped at Walmart to get some wasp spray, ant killer, and a lawnmower battery.  I tried to get on the lawnmower yesterday but the battery was dead.  So, I changed out the battery, got on the seat and turned the key.  Nothing happened.  Tried again.  Again nothing happened.  Finally, tried again and this time it tried to turn over but didn't catch.

I called Daddy to #1 - see where he was, and #2 - ask for help.  I didn't want to ask for his help but I'm not as knowledgeable as you about this stuff.  So, he came over and fiddled with the mower a bit.  Finally, he asked for a screwdriver and touched the solenoid.  Then announced that there's a bad solenoid.  I told him thanks, and  that I'll go get one tomorrow.   He argued with me and said that he could rig the thing right now.  I politely, yet firmly, told him NO!  That I will take care of that myself.  

Right after he left, Cade showed up and said he'd seen my Facebook post about the lawnmower fiasco    He hung around for a few minutes, telling me about his girlfriend.  Then I decided to try the suburban.   It would not start.  The battery on it was dead too.  So, Cade connected his jumper cables to the suburban, got it started, and then I let it sit and run for a bit. 

I love and miss you so much Charlie.  If you were here, I just know that you'd know exactly what to do about the lawnmower.  I wish I had half the knowledge you did.

Love and miss you.

Me.

2018, Apr 23 - Manic Music Monday

Chahles Dahlin' I miss you so much.  I wish I could see your face again, hold your hand, hear your voice.  I wish you knew.

I went to the annual Prism Music conference today.  This time it was held in Zachary.  As usual, I was excited to go and hear the new Christmas stuff just being released.  I drove that whole ride on the interstate feeling really positive and upbeat.  Then I exited at Exit 8A and took a right.  Suddenly, I got hit right in my chest by a force so strong that I couldn't breath.  Apparently, I was right in that area that you had to do some inspections and I tagged along with you.  I wasn't expecting all those emotions to ambush me like that!  I'm on my way to a stinkin' music conference!

I cried and cried all the way to the parking lot of the church.  Then I sat in the truck and cried more when I got there.  I finally dried my tears and went inside to hear the music and feel better.

I later thought about it and wondered about dating again.  What if I was on a date and I am ambushed by those feelings again?  Do I just cry?  Will said date understand or will he get jealous of my love for a deceased husband?  This is all so confusing!  I just want my old life back, my old husband back.  

After the conference, I just came straight home because I'm selling all the sheet metal and galvanized studs you had collected over the years.  My goal is to get $3,000 for the whole shebang!  Once I have that cash in hand, then I can finish the driveway and purchase one of those little metal carports for the end. A couple of people have emailed and are trying to lowball me  One guy even had the gall to ask if I meant to ask for $300!!!  HAH!  You'd be proud of the way I told him, "Um, NO!"

Speaking of you being proud of me.  I would hope that you are.  I went and sang with Jody yesterday and though they tell me that I did a good job, I was pitchy to start with and had no stage presence.   It certainly could have gone better than it did.  I'm trying my best to stay strong for the girls.  I cry everyday and I know how you would hate that for me.  But I can't help it because I miss you too much!

Well, I'm sorry this is so short, but the girls have to be at LPCC in just a few minutes.  

Love and Miss you tremendouly,

ME

2018, Apr 22 - The Weekend

Hey Babe!  Just thought I'd give you an update on what we did this weekend.  First up, on Friday, I was gonna mow the grass. It really needs it.  But when I got on the lawn mower, it wouldn't start.  I think it needs a new battery.  I honestly don't remember much about what I did Friday.  I cleaned out the linen closet and donated a bunch of sheets to the church for VBS.  I went and dropped those off, then I dropped off some of the girls clothes to Goodwill, then I went for my counseling appointment.  It was a good session, but short.  It's never long enough.

On Saturday, I decided to take the girls on an outing to New Orleans.  It was Navy Week and there were 4 tall ships, an Aircraft Carrier, and a Coast Guard ship available to tour.  I had planned to park in our usual parking area but it was blocked!  I couldn't believe it!  So, I just followed the car in front of me to a parking garage.  I ended up way up on Level 7, but I finally got a spot!  

The girls and I then went downstairs and walked through the French Quarter a little bit before I got frustrated and went over to the RiverWalk Food Court to get something to eat.  I stood in line at Cane's for 30 MINUTES!  Then, we made our way back over to the Aquarium of the Americas to get in the long, long line for the Tall Ships.  At the time, I did not know we could board the Aircraft Carrier!  I was so disappointed that we missed that opportunity!  

We got through the first line standing fiasco, and quickly joined another one to board one of the ships.  The line was moving pretty quickly but it sure looked intimidating!  We got on board the Netherlands ship the "Oosterschelde".  You would be so proud of our baby girl.  As we explored, we found ourselves in the galley.  There was a corner piano bolted to the wall.  She spied it, and the sign that said, "Do not play unless experienced."  She turned and asked me if she could play it.  She asked if she could get permission.  I encouraged her to do so and she came back with a grin, sat down, and started playing one of her Rally pieces in front of all those strangers! Our girls has some guts! She was so great!  I couldn't have been more proud!  You would be too. 

We got off of the ship, took some pics with a couple of pirates, got a snowball, wandered down to the Algier's Ferry and took a ride across the river.  We tooled around on the Algier's Point for a bit and then came back across, went to the truck, and tried to leave the Big Easy.  It was a little difficult due to the bumper to bumper traffic but we eventually made it out.  I took the girls to Applebee's in Hammond for some dinner.  They wanted to go see a movie as well but it was getting late and we had to get up for church.

On Sunday, I was woken up by heavy rain, thunder, and lightening at about 4:30 p.m.  I knew I should have gone ahead and gotten that lawn mower battery and mowed the grass Saturday instead of going to New Orleans.  I got up and went to church, then went with Mariah's guitar teacher to sing at Lagniappe Steak and Seafood restaurant down in Head of Island.  I sang that Allison Krauss song, "When You Say Nothing at All".   Jody allowed me to sit in with his band and sing.  It was loads of fun and I look forward to doing more of it again soon.  I wish you had been there to see me and cheer me on.  I miss you tremendously.  More than I could ever imagine.

Love and Miss you lots,

ME

2018, Apr 19 - Taxes and Dancing

Hey Babe,

I gotta bone to pick with you!  Remember this little agency called the IRS?  Yeah, well, I got a letter in the mail yesterday.  It seems you forgot pay the taxes in the years 2013, 2014, & 2015 and now they say YOU owe $26,210.79.  BUT there's this little issue of you being DEAD!  Which means I am responsible for this now.  How dare you leave me holding the bag like this!?  What am I supposed to do now?  Sell plasma?

On the bright side, my friend Hope works for a CPA and she is helping me with filing extensions and doing the back taxes.  With any luck, we'll break even and I won't need to pay the IRS anything.  If you were not already dead, I hate to say it, but I'd probably kill ya.

Went dancing tonight and had great time.  Danced all the dances and got a great workout.  However, I cannot continue with the lessons. It's just too expensive.  I would love to so if you run into the widow of a rich tycoon up there in heaven, see if she can put a bug in his ear and send him my direction.

That's it for now. 

Love and miss you bunches,

Sunshine

2018, Apr 17 - Doc and Dancing

Hey honey,

Just wanted to give you an update on what I did today.  

First, I got up early to help Kyle out.  He had been scheduled to pick George up from a sleep study but his boss wouldn't let him off.  So, I volunteered to get George and take him home.  I didn't mind.  I was going that way anyway.  So, I picked George up and then he asked to buy me breakfast at Waffle House.  I was cool with that as long as we could hurry because I had a doc appointment. So, I got him to his apartment and then I went on to my appointment.

I had a CT Calcium something scan done on my heart.  The doctor said I should get results in a couple of days.

After that, I drove over to Zeigler's to dig through their free music stash.  I got quite a bit of stuff for the girls to work on this summer.  Then, I came home for a short little nap.

Got up and went to my dance class.  Started off with Rumba and ended with ChaCha.  I got quite a workout today!

I'm concerned about the money situation.  I'm down to my last $25 and praying the Social Security for the girls gets deposited tonight.  If it doesn't, then I don't know what to do tomorrow.  I still have some of your tools to unload and that big stack of sheet metal out there that would get me some cash to get by on until next month.

I received a letter from the IRS in the mail today.  Apparently, you forgot to file the 2015 taxes.  The IRS says that we owe $21000!!! (give or take a few pennies).  Where do I get that kind of cash to take care of this issue?  How could you do this to me!?  If you weren't dead, I'd kill you!

I don't know what to do at this point but I guess I'll cross that bridge next month when I get to a CPA.  

Meanwhile, they say life goes on.

Love and miss you bunches.

Me

2018, Apr 16 - Monday, Monday

Hey babe,

I know you must be disappointed in me.  I never got out of bed today.  Well, not until I think you made me get out around 2:30.  Throwing that hat across the room was a bit creepy and then adding the music box was even creepier.  Don't creep me out like that anymore! 

As you know, I have a hard time getting up sometimes.  This morning was rough because I had nowhere to be right away.  And then it stretched into hours.  I lay there replaying your last days in my head.  The ambulance in our driveway, me following them to the hospital, me trying to take the shortcut but ya'll still got there before me, me seeing you in the ER, me holding your hand, me talking to you, me talking to the nurses when I SHOULD have been talking to you, then me following you out when they took you for the heart cath, our next stop in the ICU and me teasing you about going on a diet.  Baby, I wish I had held your hand more and stood there by your side more.  I wish I had not gone out to the waiting room.  I didn't know what was going on!  I hope you aren't upset with me.  I truly didn't know!

When M2 got home today, she practiced her piano a little bit, and then we drove into town to get M1 from Jazz Band practice.  We had "dinner" at Subway, went to the library for a while, then to choir practice, then grabbed burgers at G&J's, and then we came home.  I HAVE to start cooking.  It's gonna be so hard though! 

Gosh I miss and love you!  

Me

2018, Apr 15 - Sunday

Hey babe,

It's me again!  I think you know that by now.

I've had a bad couple of days.  Friday was real emotional for me.  I think it was because I realized this weekend is 10 weeks since you've been gone.  ONLY 10 weeks, but FEELS like FOREVER!!!   I started reading a book.  It's called "Option B".  Basically, it's about the unavailability of Option A, which would be having you here, but you're not and can't be ... that Option is unavailable.  So, this book helps me to discover the tools needed to kick the shit outta "Option B".

After reading a chapter and paragraph, I decided to take a shower.  The weather had been bad all day, even at the crawfish boil, but the power here at the house never went out.  I was standing there under the hot water, shampoo lathered in my hair, face wash on my face, and suddenly I was surrounded by pitch black darkness.  I screamed and got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around my soapy body and went on the hunt in the dark for a flashlight.  By some miracle, I found it, got back in the shower, and quickly rinsed off.  That was one of my FIRSTS.  I fear there is going to be a long list of FIRSTS during this next year.  2018 started out great in January but is quickly going downhill.   So, I wrote this one on the list ... First Power Outage.  It was so quiet and dark without you here.  It was lonely without you here.  If only I had a short recording of your snoring.  Maybe that would have helped.  Eventually, I did drift off to sleep, and the power came back on.  But it was tough.

Last Sunday, I had a bit of a meltdown during the worship rehearsal.  The praise team sang "Great Are You Lord".  As I played the introduction, I knew what the words were going to be.  "It's Your breath, in our lungs" and I thought, "Why couldn't HE breathe into his lungs!?"  Then I broke down.  I cried through the whole song.  I almost couldn't play it.  Went out and ugly cried for ten minutes. Got myself together and then played it for the worship service.  The second time through, there were emotions but not as bad.  Then Wednesday, we got the next set of songs.  In that set was another one of the songs that I heard that horrible Sunday morning.  This time it was "Same Power".  And instead of melting down and crying, I had a panic attack and couldn't breathe.  Will I have these reactions every time I'm faced with emotion?  I don't know.  I hope not.  I want to live for you!  I don't want to keep breaking down! I told the counselor about it.  He says the panic attacks are my brain's way of protecting me from the intense emotions.  I don't know much about psychology but it made sense to me.

Today, I woke up in an exceptional mood.  I feel like I'm on top of the world.  I can handle anything that comes my way.  I saw a saying this week, "You Can't Stop the Waves, but you CAN learn to surf."  So, I'm rocking the surf!  Got up and and headed to church.  Then after, the girls had LPCC Awards where they racked up as usual.  You'd be so proud of them!  They are doing so good!  Mariah is processing her grief in the shower and by being her smart alecky self.  Melody is using her music to process and it is so beautiful!  She is really becoming quite the musical artist. 

It's that time of year you know.  The end of the year programs, concerts, and recitals.  We miss having you here with us.  It's hard for me to sit in the audience alone knowing that you won't be home at the end of the evening. 

After Awards Day, I followed that up with a Parent Youth meeting back at the church for summer youth plans.  I think it's gonna be good.  I'm tentatively planning that Alaskan road trip you wanted to go on so badly, but I'm not sure it will happen.  IF it does, then we're gonna have a great time!  If NOT, you'll have to wait one more year.

Well, babe, I guess that's it for now.  I'll be back tomorrow with another update.

Love and miss you bunches!
ME

2018, Apr 14 - Younger Siblings

Hey Baby,

We need to talk.  I'm concerned about the girls.  When you left us, your 1st kids stepped up and paid for the funeral.  I appreciated that tremendously.  They came out to the house and did what they could to comfort me.  I realize they lost you too and they probably needed comforting as well, but I wasn't in a position to give them that.  They have a mother to help them through.  Should I try to reach out to them and say something to them as well?

I finally consulted an attorney in regards to the property.  Your kids told me at the funeral home that they would all 4 sign an Act of Donation regarding transferring the land to me.  I know you were proud of your kids and they sure did step up in this regard.

However, I think you might be disappointed at what I tell you next.  The next part is this:

I haven't heard from them since then.  Not a word.  They haven't called or texted or emailed.  Every now and then I get a Facebook like from one of them.  But that's it.  I know we didn't have a relationship.  When they called, they talked to you.  They didn't want to talk to me for whatever reason.  Maybe because I was just the simple step-mom.  Or in their eyes, the woman you slept with.  I don't know.

But I do know this.  They may not care for me, but they still have two little sisters who have lost their father.  The older siblings know this and should be calling to check in.  They know my number.  But I don't hear a thing.

I just thought I'd share that with you dahlin'g.  I know you can't do anything about it.  I just thought you'd want to know. I know you'd be disappointed in your older ones.  I wonder if they know.

I love and miss you tremendously Love.

Me.

2018, Apr 13 - Friday/Saturday

Hey babe,

You'll like this.  It's Friday the 13th!  I thought I'd sit here and write you a little note to let you know what's going on in this next of the woods.  As you might remember, there was a bit of a smell in the house last week.  No worries though.  Our son Kyle came through and fixed it.

Did I tell you that Kyle proposed to Kaylee!?  I didn't?  How could I have forgotten that!!?  Yes, Kyle propsed to sweet Kaylee on Easter Sunday.  He had taken her to the dog park so they could walk their furbabies.  Then, he snagged a passerby, handed her his phone and pretended to pose for a photo ... but when he handed the lady his phone, he put it on video and got the whole thing recorded! It was soooo sweet!

Saturday, the Sunday School class had a crawfish boil over at the drummer's house.  You never met the drummer did you?  Roger Wilder?  Anyway, he's got an awesome house!  So, we all gathered over there for crawfish, finger sandwiches, chips, dips, cookies, etc.  The girls and I went.  It was okay.  After a while, I began feeling like a wall flower.  I was the only single person there.  I felt so out of place.

While I was there, it dawned on me that you would not be calling me to tell me it's time to come home, or to say you needed milk at the store.  When I realized that fact, I suddenly couldn't breathe again and it was time for me to leave the gathering.  I kept myself under control, told the girls it was time to go, and I left without saying Goodbye.  I just came straight home to cry.  I'm afraid people are going to start thinking I'm stuck up or putting on "airs" as you used to say.  They're going to start thinking I'm an attention hog.  I don't want that!  How do I avoid that?

I miss you and love you so much.

Sunshine

2018, Apr 10 - Cardio Stress Test

Hey Babe -

Two weeks ago, I had a bad morning.  Locked my keys in the truck, was late for my atty appt.  On the way home, I started having trouble breathing and got light headed.  Remembering that was some of your symptoms, I got scared and stopped off at the ER. 

They checked me out and said my heart was fine.  Ultimately, they said I was having a panic attack.  The ER doctor scheduled an appointment with the cardiologist on campus and I went in there today for a cardio treadmill stress test.  

My BP looked good, my HR looked good, and I now weigh 208 Baby!    So, the cardio doc explained something to me.  She said that when a person goes through a traumatic loss, such as in my loss of you, the body produces adrenaline.  If I'm not doing some kind of activity to use that adrenaline, such as sky diving or bungee jumping, the body will use it through panic attacks.  

She also scheduled me for a Cardio CT scan to be done next week.  She's looking for calcium deposits on the out walls of the arteries.  She says ultimately, we want a 0% calcium buildup.

Anyway, she said I passed the stress test with flying colors and gave me the go ahead to hit the gym and hit it hard.  So, I'll be there with sneakers on first thing in the morning.

One thing about this appointment today .... I told her about you.  I told her about how you left me.  I told her about what I watched you go through.  She was very encouraging, prayed with me, held my hands, let me cry on her shoulder, and told me I was a strong mama. 

I miss you so much.  I miss your smell, your laugh, the way you look at me, the way you tease me.  I miss you.

Your Sunshine

2018, Apr 9 - The Stink

Hey babe.

Gosh, where do I start?  I think I told you that I encountered a smell when we got home Friday night.  It smelled like something died in the house.  I searched and searched for the culprit but couldn't find anything.  When M1 went to take a shower, she came out wrapped in a towel and told me that it really smelled bad in the bathroom.  I went in and started sniffing around.  The bathtub drain smelled awful!

I researched what to do about it and read about putting baking soda and vinegar down the drain, followed by steaming water, followed by cold water running for 10 minutes, then 1/2 a cup of bleach, then steaming water, and then cold water.  Well, I did all that, and it still smelled sooooo bad!

I called your son Josh and he told me to climb up on the roof and check the vent.  Well, you know how I am about heights!  I'm not climbing up there!   Then I was told to crawl under the house and see if there was any leaks.  I was also told that I might have to pull the sheet rock behind the bathtub to see if there was any leaks back there.

Well, then I called Kyle and asked him to ask around at the shop.  You remember he works at the plumbing supply place?  Well, he talked to somebody there and they told him what to do.  So, this afternoon, he came out and took care of the problem. It turns out it was the in-line vent under the bathroom sink.  It still stinks in the bathroom but it's not NEARLY as bad as it was!!!

I'm so glad Kyle came out. 

2018, Apr 7 - Easter Week

Hey Babe,

I guess I should have taken the laptop with me this week and did daily updates.  But since I didn't, I'll try and bring every thing up to date here.  

Mar 31 - Saturday - I picked up a cute little rental car from Enterprise:  a 2017 Nissan Maxima!  It was sooooo cute!!!  Then the girls and I went Easter Dress shopping.  I asked the girls if they wanted the Easter Bunny to visit the house and they opted to just hit the candy aisle at Walmart instead.  So, no Easter Bunny visit on this night.  We came home and got all packed up for our road trip to Atlanta.

Apr 1 - Easter Sunday - We got up, got all dressed in our new dresses, went out in the yard (which was thankfully NOT muddy!!) and took some pictures.  I never could find the proper tripod for the iPhone so we just did a group selfie.  We missed you with us.  You are supposed to be here.  You would have been wearing your cowboy boots, dress slacks, and button down white or gray long sleeve shirt.  I'm pretty sure of it.   After the awesome church worship service, the girls and I changed into traveling clothes, got into the rental, and hit the road.  I actually wanted to get straight to traveling but had to come back by the house real quick first.  As soon as I thought we were on the road good, Mariah decided it was time for a pit stop, just before hitting I-59!!  I told her, "Don't you think we could get out of the state first?"  But we finally got going and made it to Trina's by 9ish Easter Sunday night.  

I quickly changed into my bathing suit, joined Trina, Mark and some others around a firepit where everyone was sitting trying to stay warm while the hot tub water got hot.  Trina handed me a mixed drink (or something?).  I think it was Pink Lemonade with 2 shots of vodka.  It wasn't great.  I waited as long as I could for the hot tub but eventually, I was too tired for it and just went to bed.

Apr 2 - Monday - I got up and cannot remember exactly what I did.  I think I had a bowl of cereal.  I know that around 1 p.m. We all loaded up with Trina and Mark in his truck and drove up to meet Brittnay at Piedmont Park for some frisbee tossing and picnicing.  I was given a cup of Dry white wine, called Hannah?  I didn't care for it either.  After the picnic, we drove to a place called Jeni's for some organic ice-cream.  I had Almond Butter Brittle ice Cream.  It was SO GOOD!!!  Then we went home.  Went to bed and dreamt of you.  I dreamed that you were alive and looking for me.  I could see you but I couldn't get your attention.  I could see that you didn't know where I was and you were looking for me.  I was so excited that you were still alive!  Then I woke up and was sad that you aren't. 

Apr 3 - Tuesday -  Woke up and made some scrambled eggs for myself.   I don't remember exactly what was going on this morning.  I just know that at some point, around noon?, I got a phone call.  It was my dad.  He had followed me to Atlanta.  He claims it wasn't because of me, but it sure did look like it.  He just waltzs in as if he owns the place.  Thank God T was livid and told him off, then she and I went to get a pedicure and then to Walmart.  As T was getting some groceries, I went off to find a few more things for myself.  I went into the Health and Beauty area, pharmacy area, and saw your twin.  I walked around the end of the aisle and there you were.  Or your twin.  You know they say everyone has a twin.  Yours is in the Walmart in Dallas, GA.  He had a wife with him. But at that moment, I saw you.  He didn't see me.  I backed up out of the way quickly, but stalked him throughout the health and beauty department until they checked out and left the store.  Then I went to the bathroom and cried.  I wonder if I should have approached him and asked for a hug.   Later in the day, we left the house and locked it, in order to make a trip to the other side of town for the "Medieval Times" dinner and arena show.   I had another alcoholic beverage.  I'm turning into a lush!  It was called their "Maiden's Kiss".  I think it was made with strawberry daqueri mix and had a shot of vodka and a shot of peach schnapps.  I drank it with a straw and got a warm, fuzzy feeling.  I could have had another one. When we got home at 10ish p.m. Dad was asleep in his truck in front of T's house, because he couldn't get in the house due to it being locked.

Apr 4 - Wednesday - I got up, got dressed, and went downstairs to make myself some scrambled eggs again.  I had the skillet ready and had sprayed the olive oil in it and was prepared to crack the first egg into the pan, when Dad walks up beside me and says, "Would you fry me up 2 or 3 eggs?"  So, I cracked the eggs in the pan and walked away.   I left with my mom for a History of the Guitar lecture at the Booth Western Art museum in Cartersville, GA.    They served us a lunch of Salad, Southwestern Chicken Pita, Tomato Bisque Soup, and German Chocolate Cake.  It was so good!  

Apr 5 - Thursday - We got up and went to a local nursing home.  We were the entertainment!  Shawn's piano teacher does a little gospel sing along.  She requested that Shawn come and play a few songs he's been working on.  Since we were also in town, Melody and Mariah both played the piano, and then we sang some songs with the residents.  We were there for about an hour and we had so much fun!  Afterwards, we went to lunch with Shawn's teacher, then we toured the art gallery where mom hangs her work, and then we went home for about an hour before I took the kids to see a movie.   Mom made white chicken chili for dinner.  We ate too much and I went for a walk with Trina and Mark.  I must be in pretty good shape because I kept up with them pretty good.  Then I sat in the hot tub for a while before going to bed.  

Apr 6 - Friday - I got up, dressed, packed, and was on the road by 8:30 a.m.  I met up with Brittnay and got Hannah so she could ride with me to Denham Springs.  We made really good time and got to Demopolis, AL by 1pm.  We drove down to take a tour of the Gaineswood home that was built by Nathan Bryan Whitfield.  It was so awesome!   We got back on the road, and I started crying as soon as we crossed the state line and I haven't stopped.    We got to DS about 7:30 pm, dropped Hannah off with her Uncle Donnie, and then headed home.  We walked into the house, and it smells so bad!  It smells like something died in here and had started decomposing.  

Since I can't find any kind of decomposing critter, I did some research and I think it's some sort of sewer gas.  So, I am following the instructions on the website I found.  SEWER GAS

So far, it does not seem to be working.  *gag*

Apr 7 - Saturday - I got up and had to take the rental car back.  I've been in a pissy and bitchy mood all day today.  I'm mad at you.  I'm mad that you put me in this position.  I'm mad that you've left me like this.  I'm mad that you are not here to fix this plumbing issue.  I'm mad that you are not here for me to bitch at.  

I love you and miss you so much!

Me.

2018, Mar 29 - The Video

Hey baby.  Here's your video.

Loving Can Hurt

2018, Mar 28 - The 7th week

Hey honey,

Tomorrow will be 7 weeks since your funeral.  Only 7 weeks?  Why does it feel like so much longer!?  It feels like it's been forever! 

On Monday, I laid in bed all morning until it was time to get up and take the girls to their choir practice.  I didn't do anything Monday morning. 

Tuesday, I had an appointment scheduled to see an attorney about the property and titles etc.  I went into Denham and got some breakfast at James Grill.  Then went out to the truck and realized I had locked the keys in the thing.  So, I had to call AAA for roadside assistance.   I pulled the card out and the membership was expired, so I had to renew it on the spot.  I had to reschedule my attorney's appointment and then I met Samantha at Walmart to look at flip phones for the girls.   When I left Walmart, I began feeling lightheaded.  Since I was driving, I thought it might be a good idea to go to the ER to get checked out.  The doctor said he wished his labwork was as good as mine.  He told me there was nothing wrong with me and that it was in my head.  Apparently, I'm not crying over you enough.  He told me to go home and take it easy, or I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown.  I wonder what one of those looks like?

Wednesday, I left the house early and went to my widow's support group.  I don't like that group.  I'm the youngest one there and I feel overwhelmed everytime I go.  I'm not going next week. 

After the meeting, I helped Destry out with some music for Choir, met the new pastor (BTW, I don't like him ... yet).  Then I went to get the girls from school for their orthodontist appointment.  We arrived at the appointment 1/2 hour early, so all of us took a nap in the parking lot.  Then I took M2 to her guitar lesson, followed by choir practice and stuff at church.

Well, that's about it.  I was able to come home and get a couple of things done.  I'm collecting your baseball caps and putting them in a plastic tote.  And the same for toys in the girls rooms.  I haven't gotten around to your clothing yet.  It's going to take me a little while.

I miss you so much.  I miss your smell, your arms, the feel of you in the bed, your smart ass remarks to me.  I especially miss your getting up in the morning and making your coffee.  I miss going to breakfast with you and tagging along on the job rides with you.  I miss everything about us.  I feel so lost.  I love you.  I hope you know how much I love you.

Me.

2018, Mar 24/25 - Clean Up Day and Church

Hey Honey,

It's me again.  I just wanted to give you an update and let you know what was going on here at the house.  Gary came over and did some more cleaning around here.  He loaded up the 4th 16 ft trailer up with scrap metal.  He also emptied out that silver 8x10 storage shed.  There is now a good size burn pile in the back.  I'm just waiting on a still day with no wind before I light it up. 

He also took the tractor over to the big shed and quickly knocked it down.  It fell right over with the entire roof intact!  Then he spent an hour out there picking the roofing nails out and peeling that old barn tin off the top.  The back yard is looking good! 

There are still a few things left for Letgo.com or Facebook marketplace.  I listed your old table saw, chop saw, pressure washer, the girls old bicycles, and the propane burner with crawfish pots.  So far, I still have everything here.  I didn't realize it was gonna rain so bad and I didn't want people coming to look at this stuff and having to walk through the mud. 

Speaking of mud, Gary is getting in touch with someone to get some material hauled in for the driveway.  That thing just will NOT dry up!  So, he's gonna see about getting some large rock hauled in to make a foundation for the other stuff needed.  Hopefully, there will be an actual driveway by the end of May.

We had church today, as usual, but had the annual Hot Dog/Hamburger lunch followed by the Easter Egg hunt for the kids afterwards.   I stayed until nearly 2 p.m. I wish you were here to talk to.  I have so many questions.  

I love and miss you so much!

Me.

2018, Mar 23 - Way Off Broadway

Hey babe.

I just wanted to share a little about my day today.

I started out with an appointment to a succession attorney.  He told me a few things, and I liked what I heard, but I still have another appointment next week to see another one.   If what he says doesn't mesh with the first one, I might go for a third just to hear what the difference is.  Anyway, so far, the first one says it's not going to be a big deal.

Then, I called a CPA regarding the taxes that you kept saying you were going to take care of.  They told me to gather all the papers up, W2's and such, and wait until May to take care of it.  So, Okay, that's what I'm going to do.

I had my dance lesson at 2, followed by a quick trip home to get the girls, and then straight to the theatre for their performances. I dropped them off for the rehearsal part and raced back home to get M1's glasses.  She swore she'd left them in the bathroom at home on the counter.  But they weren't there.  So, I finally looked in all the nooks and crannies in the truck and there they were in the truck!

I got back to the theatre and parked.  Then went in to find my seat.  I expected some others to show up for the show and to see our beautiful daughters perform tonight, but it was just me there.  Samantha and Kyle had to work.   It was their first time to perform with out you there tonight.  I made sure to tell the girls how proud I was of them and how strong and brave they are to get up there and perform like they did.

I was depressed and upset that no one had come to see the girls.  I went to the truck, fully intending to come straight home, take a hot shower, have a good hard cry, and plot my revenge.  As I was pulling out of the parking lot, my phone rang. It was Samantha, calling from her job at the hotel. She told me a gentleman had come to the hotel and they began talking. He lost his wife of 38 years in October. She told him about you and about the hard time I'd been having.  He gave her his business card, telling her to have me call him if I wanted to talk. Well, I needed to vent, so I called right then. When he told me his name, I nearly slammed on my brakes in the middle of the road! He was the former best friend of my ex-husband George!!!!  They'd met when George joined the Army National Guard! He’d lost touch with George after high school and didn’t know we’d ever gotten married and divorced.  I told him, “Hang on. I’m about to drop a bomb on ya.” and then told him who I was. I told him I was on my way home from this production and when I got my girls settled, I would call him right back. 

Then, Charlie, we had the most amazing 2 1/2 hour conversation about everything under the sun, INCLUDING you and his wife Emma.  It felt SO GOOD to talk about you!  I looked at my clock and told him how long we’d been talking and he said, “I’ve enjoyed every second of it!” and asked if he could call me back in a couple of days. Of course, my answer was a resounding YES!! I hope that's okay.  

Did I cry last night? Yes, but it was tears of shared happy memories with a new widow brother!  Now, I wonder if you and Emma had something to do with this!  Hmmm?  

The wind has been blowing quite a bit today and your windchime has been going crazy.  I've felt you near by as Gary and I worked around here.  We loaded up another 16 foot trailer with scarp iron and finally got the shed in the back torn down.  It's looking really good around here now.  I'm sorry that you couldn't finish your projects and stuff.  I wish you could have, especially the motor home.  

I love and miss you so much Charlie.  I am always looking for signs from you.  

Love you,

Me

2018, Mar 22 - Here again

Hey babe -

Not much going on today.  I started out missing you bunches this morning.   Took M2 to the theatre and dropped her off for her first performance of "Way Off Broadway".  Then went to work out and started crying on the treadmill.  Something there reminded me of you.  I can't remember what it was now.  I only did 1/2 hour on the treadmill today.  Then I worked upper body weights, some back, and some abs.  I didn't have it in me to do another 30 on the treadmill.

Then, I went to the library to print out some music, followed by going to the theatre to pick up M2.  I had to wait a long time because she wasn't finished yet.  Finally, she came out and we were able to run home to grab piano music bags.  Then we had to get back to town to get M1.  She waited patiently while M2 ran into the library before her lesson.

Got them to piano lessons, I took a nap in the truck, and then at 5:15p we went back to the theatre.  Tonight ran a little differently than this ore.  Man, I'm tired.

I had anxiety/panic attacks several times today.  It was driving me crazy!  Finally, around 1:30 or so, I realized what was going on.  I'm having these panic attacks because you aren't here!  It's the girls first major performances since you've passed. You won't be in the audience like you were before.  You won't be with us tomorrow night.  You will be missed tremendously.

Oh, I got a letter from the Eye Bank.  You'll be pleased to know that one of your beautiful baby blues was transplanted into another person.  The other one was sent for research.  I have instructions in the letter that say I can write a letter to the recipient and enclose a couple of pictures of you.  I think I will do that.  I'm glad to know that a part of you is still here.  Maybe one day I'll meet the recipient.

I'm thankful that I have friends, old and new, to text, talk to, keep me safe and to listen to me.   I'm so tired tonight and tomorrow is another long day.

Well, I guess that's about all I've done today.  Much of it was just sitting in the truck waiting for the girls.  I couldn't go too far away because, well, because I didn't want to.   So, I'm signing off for now.  I love you!

Me.