2018, Apr 29 - Sheet Metal and 12 weeks

Hey babe.  It's 12 weeks today.  12 weeks since I last held your hand.  12 weeks since I last looked into your eyes.  12 weeks since that last hug and kiss.  12 weeks since we traded, "I love you"s.  God I miss you so much.

I listed your stack of sheet metal on Facebook Marketplace.  A buyer is on his way to look at it.  I am crying over the prospect of it being gone.  Because if that stack of sheet metal is gone, that means your shop will not be built.  That sheet metal has been there for 2 years.  Charlie, I was so aggravated that you never got around to building your shed.  But I'm so used to seeing this stuff stacked here, ready to be used.  And now it won't be, not for your shop. I almost want to keep the stuff here just to keep tripping over it every day.  It'll give me something to complain about.  But if this guy buys it, then it'll be gone.

I love and miss you so very much.

Me.

2018, Apr 28 - Sheet Metal and Self Harm

Hey babe.  I have a couple of things to discuss with you.  Or rather, tell you about .... since discussing it will be one sided.  So, yesterday I went to see my counselor.  I told him about M1 hurting herself.  I also called a counselor for her this week.  She's not cutting .... yet.  But she is rubbing marks on her left arm with an eraser.   She's too pretty to be doing all that to herself!  The counselor said that she's in pain and just doesn't know how to release it.  She's not crying like a normal teen would do.  Instead, she's argumentative and doesn't eat.

The 2nd thing I wanted to discuss was all this sheetmetal!  Blaine came over and counted 8 sheets, 14 feet long, yellow cream tin, 55 sheets, 20 ft long, yellow cream tin.  Then he went over an counted the galvanized 2x4's.  There are 100 of the 10' long sheets and only 8 of the 20'f lenth.

I placed  an ad on Facebook Marketplace.  So far there have been NO his!

Love and miss you bunches.

Sunshire

2018, Apr 27 - 3M of Loneliness

Hey baby - it's me again.  Sorry to be such a pest.  I just want to share with you a few things about the past 3 months.  I guess the main thing I want to talk about tonight is the loneliness.  Even with the girls here, I am lonely.  I miss YOU.  I miss your overly loud sneezes.  I miss your snoring. I miss your essence.  I miss your smell.  I miss having your big strong arms around me.  I wish I could effectively convey just what it is that I miss about you.

I miss our pillow talks.  The way we were just lay there, neither of us sleeping, and talking about absolutely nothing important.  What a waste of time that was.  We should have been talking about important things such as eternity and life insurance. What am I supposed to do with all of your belongings?  How do you want it distributed?  Mostly, how do I live without you? How am I supposed to learn to love again?  Or AM I?  Should I?  Why ever would I?  Do you want me to?

I'm so lonesome here without you.  I sit among our possessions.  Half of it is just junk and dust catchers that need to be culled.  But all of it has a memory attached.  Everything I touch here has a memory attached.  I wish I could just hop in the truck and run away.  Travel the country.  See all the things we were supposed to see together.  I can't though.  I have to take care of the girls.  I have responsibility to them but I don't want to do this alone!  I know I'm supposed to be a stable adult and take care of them, keep them safe.  BUT I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ALONE!  

My thoughts are random and all over the place.  They have been for the past 3 months.  My brain has been, as you would so often say, like a BB in a boxcar.  Bouncing from thought to thought, subject to subject.  I can't focus on one thing anymore.  I have very long conversations with people because I bounce so much!  I swear I have become ADD in a bad way.  The doctor put me on a medicine that is supposed to help with my panic attacks, and it seems that a side affect is to help me focus better.  It also makes me very sleepy which I guess is good considering I haven't been sleeping much.  I sleep only when my eyes cannot stay open anymore and get up when they first pop open.  I don't lay in bed anymore like I used to.  On average, I'm getting about 5 hours of sleep per night with a 1/2 hour cat nap during the day.    I don't like sleeping in our bed without you there.  It's too big.

This weekend is the 12th week that you've been gone.  Almost 3 months.  I would call it 3 months because 12 divided by 4 weeks is, well, 3.  Right?  But the actual monthiversary is next weekend, the 13th week since you died.  The number 12 reminds me of that old Johnny Mathis song, "The 12th of Never".  

I miss you tremendously my Love.  I wish I could see you once more.  Heck, I wish I could just DREAM about you in my sleep but you never show up!  Maybe I'm thinking about you too much for that.  I'll love you, until the 12th of Never, and that's a Long, Long Time.

I miss you so much.

Me

2018, Apr 27 - Flashbacks & Sheet Metal

Hey Babe,

This week has been hard.  First with dealing with the lawnmower .... Daddy got it started and I was able to get the front yard mowed before it died again and I couldn't get it started again.  That same night, it rained hard!  The lawnmower got caught in the rain, because I couldn't get it started and under the shed covering.

On Monday, Apr 23,  I went to the annual Prism Music.  This time it was held in Zachary.  As usual, I was excited to go and hear the new Christmas stuff just being released.  I drove that whole ride on the interstate feeling really positive and upbeat.  Then I exited at Exit 8A and took a right.  Suddenly, I got hit right in my chest by a force so strong that I couldn't breath.  Apparently, I was right in that area that you had to do some inspections and I tagged along with you.  I wasn't expecting all those emotions to ambush me like that!  I'm on my way to a stinkin' music conference!

I cried and cried all the way to the parking lot of the church.  Then I sat in the truck and cried more when I got there.  I finally dried my tears and went inside to hear the music and feel better.

I later thought about it and wondered about dating again.  What if I was on a date and I am ambushed by those feelings again?  Do I just cry?  Will said date understand or will he get jealous of my love for a deceased husband?  This is all so confusing!  I just want my old life back, my old husband back.

Tuesday, Apr 24, I struggled with the lawnmower.

Wednesday, Apr 25, I had an appointment that morning, dance lessons at 2, orthodontist at 3, guitar lessons at 5, and church at 6.  Church had a special guest that night so I came on home.

Thursday, April 26,  I went to volunteer for the first time. On the way, I had another flashback.  This time, I was back at your hospital bed.  Usually, when I have this flashback, it's the same scenario over and over, but I'm asking the nurse different questions each time.  Questions that I never actually asked, but I have thought of since then.  I never believed that flashbacks were a real thing, until now.  In my mind, I really am back by your side.  Then, it's gone and I'm back in real time.  I put some time in at Hope House (the Pregnancy Crisis Center).  I didn't do much.  Just made some copies on a copy machine and helped in the warehouse.  I look forward to going back next week.

Friday, April 27, I saw the counselor today.  Told him about the flashbacks.  He says it's just my brain still processing the trauma.  I asked if I have PTSD.  He said no, but said I do have some Post Traumatic Stress.   But not a disorder that needs treatment.  He gave me more tips to help with coping and I left the session on a positive note.

Tonight, it's just me and M1.  We're about to go over to the Highland Road Observatory to look at the stars.  Tomorrow, she has piano rally.  Blaine and sons are supposed to come over around 2 to help with sorting out all this sheet metal stuff for a more accurate count.  There's a guy in Marksville who wants it and has offered $1500 for the whole shebang.  But I want to be fair to the guy.  So, I want to give him an accurate count and then a counter offer.  I'm strapped for the cash right now but want to be fair.  I wish you were here.

Love and Miss you more than I could ever imagine.

Me.

2018, Apr 24 - Lawnmower and battery

Hey baby!  Just updating on what happened today.  First off, I didn't sleep very well last night.  I dreamt of you, off and on, and kept waking up every few hours.  I finally got out of bed about 10 a.m.  Daddy came over to get me to refill his pill box again.  While he was here, Samantha called me to ask about her income tax return check.  Her mail has been coming here again and apparently, the IRS sent her check here too.  Anyway, I found it and she requested that I drive it over to her.  So, I did.  When I got there, her dad was there, and I stayed and visited with both of them for a few minutes.

Then I went to my ballroom dance lesson for an hour.  On the way home, I stopped at Walmart to get some wasp spray, ant killer, and a lawnmower battery.  I tried to get on the lawnmower yesterday but the battery was dead.  So, I changed out the battery, got on the seat and turned the key.  Nothing happened.  Tried again.  Again nothing happened.  Finally, tried again and this time it tried to turn over but didn't catch.

I called Daddy to #1 - see where he was, and #2 - ask for help.  I didn't want to ask for his help but I'm not as knowledgeable as you about this stuff.  So, he came over and fiddled with the mower a bit.  Finally, he asked for a screwdriver and touched the solenoid.  Then announced that there's a bad solenoid.  I told him thanks, and  that I'll go get one tomorrow.   He argued with me and said that he could rig the thing right now.  I politely, yet firmly, told him NO!  That I will take care of that myself.  

Right after he left, Cade showed up and said he'd seen my Facebook post about the lawnmower fiasco    He hung around for a few minutes, telling me about his girlfriend.  Then I decided to try the suburban.   It would not start.  The battery on it was dead too.  So, Cade connected his jumper cables to the suburban, got it started, and then I let it sit and run for a bit. 

I love and miss you so much Charlie.  If you were here, I just know that you'd know exactly what to do about the lawnmower.  I wish I had half the knowledge you did.

Love and miss you.

Me.

2018, Apr 23 - Manic Music Monday

Chahles Dahlin' I miss you so much.  I wish I could see your face again, hold your hand, hear your voice.  I wish you knew.

I went to the annual Prism Music conference today.  This time it was held in Zachary.  As usual, I was excited to go and hear the new Christmas stuff just being released.  I drove that whole ride on the interstate feeling really positive and upbeat.  Then I exited at Exit 8A and took a right.  Suddenly, I got hit right in my chest by a force so strong that I couldn't breath.  Apparently, I was right in that area that you had to do some inspections and I tagged along with you.  I wasn't expecting all those emotions to ambush me like that!  I'm on my way to a stinkin' music conference!

I cried and cried all the way to the parking lot of the church.  Then I sat in the truck and cried more when I got there.  I finally dried my tears and went inside to hear the music and feel better.

I later thought about it and wondered about dating again.  What if I was on a date and I am ambushed by those feelings again?  Do I just cry?  Will said date understand or will he get jealous of my love for a deceased husband?  This is all so confusing!  I just want my old life back, my old husband back.  

After the conference, I just came straight home because I'm selling all the sheet metal and galvanized studs you had collected over the years.  My goal is to get $3,000 for the whole shebang!  Once I have that cash in hand, then I can finish the driveway and purchase one of those little metal carports for the end. A couple of people have emailed and are trying to lowball me  One guy even had the gall to ask if I meant to ask for $300!!!  HAH!  You'd be proud of the way I told him, "Um, NO!"

Speaking of you being proud of me.  I would hope that you are.  I went and sang with Jody yesterday and though they tell me that I did a good job, I was pitchy to start with and had no stage presence.   It certainly could have gone better than it did.  I'm trying my best to stay strong for the girls.  I cry everyday and I know how you would hate that for me.  But I can't help it because I miss you too much!

Well, I'm sorry this is so short, but the girls have to be at LPCC in just a few minutes.  

Love and Miss you tremendouly,

ME

2018, Apr 22 - The Weekend

Hey Babe!  Just thought I'd give you an update on what we did this weekend.  First up, on Friday, I was gonna mow the grass. It really needs it.  But when I got on the lawn mower, it wouldn't start.  I think it needs a new battery.  I honestly don't remember much about what I did Friday.  I cleaned out the linen closet and donated a bunch of sheets to the church for VBS.  I went and dropped those off, then I dropped off some of the girls clothes to Goodwill, then I went for my counseling appointment.  It was a good session, but short.  It's never long enough.

On Saturday, I decided to take the girls on an outing to New Orleans.  It was Navy Week and there were 4 tall ships, an Aircraft Carrier, and a Coast Guard ship available to tour.  I had planned to park in our usual parking area but it was blocked!  I couldn't believe it!  So, I just followed the car in front of me to a parking garage.  I ended up way up on Level 7, but I finally got a spot!  

The girls and I then went downstairs and walked through the French Quarter a little bit before I got frustrated and went over to the RiverWalk Food Court to get something to eat.  I stood in line at Cane's for 30 MINUTES!  Then, we made our way back over to the Aquarium of the Americas to get in the long, long line for the Tall Ships.  At the time, I did not know we could board the Aircraft Carrier!  I was so disappointed that we missed that opportunity!  

We got through the first line standing fiasco, and quickly joined another one to board one of the ships.  The line was moving pretty quickly but it sure looked intimidating!  We got on board the Netherlands ship the "Oosterschelde".  You would be so proud of our baby girl.  As we explored, we found ourselves in the galley.  There was a corner piano bolted to the wall.  She spied it, and the sign that said, "Do not play unless experienced."  She turned and asked me if she could play it.  She asked if she could get permission.  I encouraged her to do so and she came back with a grin, sat down, and started playing one of her Rally pieces in front of all those strangers! Our girls has some guts! She was so great!  I couldn't have been more proud!  You would be too. 

We got off of the ship, took some pics with a couple of pirates, got a snowball, wandered down to the Algier's Ferry and took a ride across the river.  We tooled around on the Algier's Point for a bit and then came back across, went to the truck, and tried to leave the Big Easy.  It was a little difficult due to the bumper to bumper traffic but we eventually made it out.  I took the girls to Applebee's in Hammond for some dinner.  They wanted to go see a movie as well but it was getting late and we had to get up for church.

On Sunday, I was woken up by heavy rain, thunder, and lightening at about 4:30 p.m.  I knew I should have gone ahead and gotten that lawn mower battery and mowed the grass Saturday instead of going to New Orleans.  I got up and went to church, then went with Mariah's guitar teacher to sing at Lagniappe Steak and Seafood restaurant down in Head of Island.  I sang that Allison Krauss song, "When You Say Nothing at All".   Jody allowed me to sit in with his band and sing.  It was loads of fun and I look forward to doing more of it again soon.  I wish you had been there to see me and cheer me on.  I miss you tremendously.  More than I could ever imagine.

Love and Miss you lots,

ME

2018, Apr 19 - Taxes and Dancing

Hey Babe,

I gotta bone to pick with you!  Remember this little agency called the IRS?  Yeah, well, I got a letter in the mail yesterday.  It seems you forgot pay the taxes in the years 2013, 2014, & 2015 and now they say YOU owe $26,210.79.  BUT there's this little issue of you being DEAD!  Which means I am responsible for this now.  How dare you leave me holding the bag like this!?  What am I supposed to do now?  Sell plasma?

On the bright side, my friend Hope works for a CPA and she is helping me with filing extensions and doing the back taxes.  With any luck, we'll break even and I won't need to pay the IRS anything.  If you were not already dead, I hate to say it, but I'd probably kill ya.

Went dancing tonight and had great time.  Danced all the dances and got a great workout.  However, I cannot continue with the lessons. It's just too expensive.  I would love to so if you run into the widow of a rich tycoon up there in heaven, see if she can put a bug in his ear and send him my direction.

That's it for now. 

Love and miss you bunches,

Sunshine

2018, Apr 17 - Doc and Dancing

Hey honey,

Just wanted to give you an update on what I did today.  

First, I got up early to help Kyle out.  He had been scheduled to pick George up from a sleep study but his boss wouldn't let him off.  So, I volunteered to get George and take him home.  I didn't mind.  I was going that way anyway.  So, I picked George up and then he asked to buy me breakfast at Waffle House.  I was cool with that as long as we could hurry because I had a doc appointment. So, I got him to his apartment and then I went on to my appointment.

I had a CT Calcium something scan done on my heart.  The doctor said I should get results in a couple of days.

After that, I drove over to Zeigler's to dig through their free music stash.  I got quite a bit of stuff for the girls to work on this summer.  Then, I came home for a short little nap.

Got up and went to my dance class.  Started off with Rumba and ended with ChaCha.  I got quite a workout today!

I'm concerned about the money situation.  I'm down to my last $25 and praying the Social Security for the girls gets deposited tonight.  If it doesn't, then I don't know what to do tomorrow.  I still have some of your tools to unload and that big stack of sheet metal out there that would get me some cash to get by on until next month.

I received a letter from the IRS in the mail today.  Apparently, you forgot to file the 2015 taxes.  The IRS says that we owe $21000!!! (give or take a few pennies).  Where do I get that kind of cash to take care of this issue?  How could you do this to me!?  If you weren't dead, I'd kill you!

I don't know what to do at this point but I guess I'll cross that bridge next month when I get to a CPA.  

Meanwhile, they say life goes on.

Love and miss you bunches.

Me

2018, Apr 16 - Monday, Monday

Hey babe,

I know you must be disappointed in me.  I never got out of bed today.  Well, not until I think you made me get out around 2:30.  Throwing that hat across the room was a bit creepy and then adding the music box was even creepier.  Don't creep me out like that anymore! 

As you know, I have a hard time getting up sometimes.  This morning was rough because I had nowhere to be right away.  And then it stretched into hours.  I lay there replaying your last days in my head.  The ambulance in our driveway, me following them to the hospital, me trying to take the shortcut but ya'll still got there before me, me seeing you in the ER, me holding your hand, me talking to you, me talking to the nurses when I SHOULD have been talking to you, then me following you out when they took you for the heart cath, our next stop in the ICU and me teasing you about going on a diet.  Baby, I wish I had held your hand more and stood there by your side more.  I wish I had not gone out to the waiting room.  I didn't know what was going on!  I hope you aren't upset with me.  I truly didn't know!

When M2 got home today, she practiced her piano a little bit, and then we drove into town to get M1 from Jazz Band practice.  We had "dinner" at Subway, went to the library for a while, then to choir practice, then grabbed burgers at G&J's, and then we came home.  I HAVE to start cooking.  It's gonna be so hard though! 

Gosh I miss and love you!  

Me

2018, Apr 15 - Sunday

Hey babe,

It's me again!  I think you know that by now.

I've had a bad couple of days.  Friday was real emotional for me.  I think it was because I realized this weekend is 10 weeks since you've been gone.  ONLY 10 weeks, but FEELS like FOREVER!!!   I started reading a book.  It's called "Option B".  Basically, it's about the unavailability of Option A, which would be having you here, but you're not and can't be ... that Option is unavailable.  So, this book helps me to discover the tools needed to kick the shit outta "Option B".

After reading a chapter and paragraph, I decided to take a shower.  The weather had been bad all day, even at the crawfish boil, but the power here at the house never went out.  I was standing there under the hot water, shampoo lathered in my hair, face wash on my face, and suddenly I was surrounded by pitch black darkness.  I screamed and got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around my soapy body and went on the hunt in the dark for a flashlight.  By some miracle, I found it, got back in the shower, and quickly rinsed off.  That was one of my FIRSTS.  I fear there is going to be a long list of FIRSTS during this next year.  2018 started out great in January but is quickly going downhill.   So, I wrote this one on the list ... First Power Outage.  It was so quiet and dark without you here.  It was lonely without you here.  If only I had a short recording of your snoring.  Maybe that would have helped.  Eventually, I did drift off to sleep, and the power came back on.  But it was tough.

Last Sunday, I had a bit of a meltdown during the worship rehearsal.  The praise team sang "Great Are You Lord".  As I played the introduction, I knew what the words were going to be.  "It's Your breath, in our lungs" and I thought, "Why couldn't HE breathe into his lungs!?"  Then I broke down.  I cried through the whole song.  I almost couldn't play it.  Went out and ugly cried for ten minutes. Got myself together and then played it for the worship service.  The second time through, there were emotions but not as bad.  Then Wednesday, we got the next set of songs.  In that set was another one of the songs that I heard that horrible Sunday morning.  This time it was "Same Power".  And instead of melting down and crying, I had a panic attack and couldn't breathe.  Will I have these reactions every time I'm faced with emotion?  I don't know.  I hope not.  I want to live for you!  I don't want to keep breaking down! I told the counselor about it.  He says the panic attacks are my brain's way of protecting me from the intense emotions.  I don't know much about psychology but it made sense to me.

Today, I woke up in an exceptional mood.  I feel like I'm on top of the world.  I can handle anything that comes my way.  I saw a saying this week, "You Can't Stop the Waves, but you CAN learn to surf."  So, I'm rocking the surf!  Got up and and headed to church.  Then after, the girls had LPCC Awards where they racked up as usual.  You'd be so proud of them!  They are doing so good!  Mariah is processing her grief in the shower and by being her smart alecky self.  Melody is using her music to process and it is so beautiful!  She is really becoming quite the musical artist. 

It's that time of year you know.  The end of the year programs, concerts, and recitals.  We miss having you here with us.  It's hard for me to sit in the audience alone knowing that you won't be home at the end of the evening. 

After Awards Day, I followed that up with a Parent Youth meeting back at the church for summer youth plans.  I think it's gonna be good.  I'm tentatively planning that Alaskan road trip you wanted to go on so badly, but I'm not sure it will happen.  IF it does, then we're gonna have a great time!  If NOT, you'll have to wait one more year.

Well, babe, I guess that's it for now.  I'll be back tomorrow with another update.

Love and miss you bunches!
ME

2018, Apr 14 - Younger Siblings

Hey Baby,

We need to talk.  I'm concerned about the girls.  When you left us, your 1st kids stepped up and paid for the funeral.  I appreciated that tremendously.  They came out to the house and did what they could to comfort me.  I realize they lost you too and they probably needed comforting as well, but I wasn't in a position to give them that.  They have a mother to help them through.  Should I try to reach out to them and say something to them as well?

I finally consulted an attorney in regards to the property.  Your kids told me at the funeral home that they would all 4 sign an Act of Donation regarding transferring the land to me.  I know you were proud of your kids and they sure did step up in this regard.

However, I think you might be disappointed at what I tell you next.  The next part is this:

I haven't heard from them since then.  Not a word.  They haven't called or texted or emailed.  Every now and then I get a Facebook like from one of them.  But that's it.  I know we didn't have a relationship.  When they called, they talked to you.  They didn't want to talk to me for whatever reason.  Maybe because I was just the simple step-mom.  Or in their eyes, the woman you slept with.  I don't know.

But I do know this.  They may not care for me, but they still have two little sisters who have lost their father.  The older siblings know this and should be calling to check in.  They know my number.  But I don't hear a thing.

I just thought I'd share that with you dahlin'g.  I know you can't do anything about it.  I just thought you'd want to know. I know you'd be disappointed in your older ones.  I wonder if they know.

I love and miss you tremendously Love.

Me.

2018, Apr 13 - Friday/Saturday

Hey babe,

You'll like this.  It's Friday the 13th!  I thought I'd sit here and write you a little note to let you know what's going on in this next of the woods.  As you might remember, there was a bit of a smell in the house last week.  No worries though.  Our son Kyle came through and fixed it.

Did I tell you that Kyle proposed to Kaylee!?  I didn't?  How could I have forgotten that!!?  Yes, Kyle propsed to sweet Kaylee on Easter Sunday.  He had taken her to the dog park so they could walk their furbabies.  Then, he snagged a passerby, handed her his phone and pretended to pose for a photo ... but when he handed the lady his phone, he put it on video and got the whole thing recorded! It was soooo sweet!

Saturday, the Sunday School class had a crawfish boil over at the drummer's house.  You never met the drummer did you?  Roger Wilder?  Anyway, he's got an awesome house!  So, we all gathered over there for crawfish, finger sandwiches, chips, dips, cookies, etc.  The girls and I went.  It was okay.  After a while, I began feeling like a wall flower.  I was the only single person there.  I felt so out of place.

While I was there, it dawned on me that you would not be calling me to tell me it's time to come home, or to say you needed milk at the store.  When I realized that fact, I suddenly couldn't breathe again and it was time for me to leave the gathering.  I kept myself under control, told the girls it was time to go, and I left without saying Goodbye.  I just came straight home to cry.  I'm afraid people are going to start thinking I'm stuck up or putting on "airs" as you used to say.  They're going to start thinking I'm an attention hog.  I don't want that!  How do I avoid that?

I miss you and love you so much.

Sunshine

2018, Apr 10 - Cardio Stress Test

Hey Babe -

Two weeks ago, I had a bad morning.  Locked my keys in the truck, was late for my atty appt.  On the way home, I started having trouble breathing and got light headed.  Remembering that was some of your symptoms, I got scared and stopped off at the ER. 

They checked me out and said my heart was fine.  Ultimately, they said I was having a panic attack.  The ER doctor scheduled an appointment with the cardiologist on campus and I went in there today for a cardio treadmill stress test.  

My BP looked good, my HR looked good, and I now weigh 208 Baby!    So, the cardio doc explained something to me.  She said that when a person goes through a traumatic loss, such as in my loss of you, the body produces adrenaline.  If I'm not doing some kind of activity to use that adrenaline, such as sky diving or bungee jumping, the body will use it through panic attacks.  

She also scheduled me for a Cardio CT scan to be done next week.  She's looking for calcium deposits on the out walls of the arteries.  She says ultimately, we want a 0% calcium buildup.

Anyway, she said I passed the stress test with flying colors and gave me the go ahead to hit the gym and hit it hard.  So, I'll be there with sneakers on first thing in the morning.

One thing about this appointment today .... I told her about you.  I told her about how you left me.  I told her about what I watched you go through.  She was very encouraging, prayed with me, held my hands, let me cry on her shoulder, and told me I was a strong mama. 

I miss you so much.  I miss your smell, your laugh, the way you look at me, the way you tease me.  I miss you.

Your Sunshine

2018, Apr 9 - The Stink

Hey babe.

Gosh, where do I start?  I think I told you that I encountered a smell when we got home Friday night.  It smelled like something died in the house.  I searched and searched for the culprit but couldn't find anything.  When M1 went to take a shower, she came out wrapped in a towel and told me that it really smelled bad in the bathroom.  I went in and started sniffing around.  The bathtub drain smelled awful!

I researched what to do about it and read about putting baking soda and vinegar down the drain, followed by steaming water, followed by cold water running for 10 minutes, then 1/2 a cup of bleach, then steaming water, and then cold water.  Well, I did all that, and it still smelled sooooo bad!

I called your son Josh and he told me to climb up on the roof and check the vent.  Well, you know how I am about heights!  I'm not climbing up there!   Then I was told to crawl under the house and see if there was any leaks.  I was also told that I might have to pull the sheet rock behind the bathtub to see if there was any leaks back there.

Well, then I called Kyle and asked him to ask around at the shop.  You remember he works at the plumbing supply place?  Well, he talked to somebody there and they told him what to do.  So, this afternoon, he came out and took care of the problem. It turns out it was the in-line vent under the bathroom sink.  It still stinks in the bathroom but it's not NEARLY as bad as it was!!!

I'm so glad Kyle came out. 

2018, Apr 7 - Easter Week

Hey Babe,

I guess I should have taken the laptop with me this week and did daily updates.  But since I didn't, I'll try and bring every thing up to date here.  

Mar 31 - Saturday - I picked up a cute little rental car from Enterprise:  a 2017 Nissan Maxima!  It was sooooo cute!!!  Then the girls and I went Easter Dress shopping.  I asked the girls if they wanted the Easter Bunny to visit the house and they opted to just hit the candy aisle at Walmart instead.  So, no Easter Bunny visit on this night.  We came home and got all packed up for our road trip to Atlanta.

Apr 1 - Easter Sunday - We got up, got all dressed in our new dresses, went out in the yard (which was thankfully NOT muddy!!) and took some pictures.  I never could find the proper tripod for the iPhone so we just did a group selfie.  We missed you with us.  You are supposed to be here.  You would have been wearing your cowboy boots, dress slacks, and button down white or gray long sleeve shirt.  I'm pretty sure of it.   After the awesome church worship service, the girls and I changed into traveling clothes, got into the rental, and hit the road.  I actually wanted to get straight to traveling but had to come back by the house real quick first.  As soon as I thought we were on the road good, Mariah decided it was time for a pit stop, just before hitting I-59!!  I told her, "Don't you think we could get out of the state first?"  But we finally got going and made it to Trina's by 9ish Easter Sunday night.  

I quickly changed into my bathing suit, joined Trina, Mark and some others around a firepit where everyone was sitting trying to stay warm while the hot tub water got hot.  Trina handed me a mixed drink (or something?).  I think it was Pink Lemonade with 2 shots of vodka.  It wasn't great.  I waited as long as I could for the hot tub but eventually, I was too tired for it and just went to bed.

Apr 2 - Monday - I got up and cannot remember exactly what I did.  I think I had a bowl of cereal.  I know that around 1 p.m. We all loaded up with Trina and Mark in his truck and drove up to meet Brittnay at Piedmont Park for some frisbee tossing and picnicing.  I was given a cup of Dry white wine, called Hannah?  I didn't care for it either.  After the picnic, we drove to a place called Jeni's for some organic ice-cream.  I had Almond Butter Brittle ice Cream.  It was SO GOOD!!!  Then we went home.  Went to bed and dreamt of you.  I dreamed that you were alive and looking for me.  I could see you but I couldn't get your attention.  I could see that you didn't know where I was and you were looking for me.  I was so excited that you were still alive!  Then I woke up and was sad that you aren't. 

Apr 3 - Tuesday -  Woke up and made some scrambled eggs for myself.   I don't remember exactly what was going on this morning.  I just know that at some point, around noon?, I got a phone call.  It was my dad.  He had followed me to Atlanta.  He claims it wasn't because of me, but it sure did look like it.  He just waltzs in as if he owns the place.  Thank God T was livid and told him off, then she and I went to get a pedicure and then to Walmart.  As T was getting some groceries, I went off to find a few more things for myself.  I went into the Health and Beauty area, pharmacy area, and saw your twin.  I walked around the end of the aisle and there you were.  Or your twin.  You know they say everyone has a twin.  Yours is in the Walmart in Dallas, GA.  He had a wife with him. But at that moment, I saw you.  He didn't see me.  I backed up out of the way quickly, but stalked him throughout the health and beauty department until they checked out and left the store.  Then I went to the bathroom and cried.  I wonder if I should have approached him and asked for a hug.   Later in the day, we left the house and locked it, in order to make a trip to the other side of town for the "Medieval Times" dinner and arena show.   I had another alcoholic beverage.  I'm turning into a lush!  It was called their "Maiden's Kiss".  I think it was made with strawberry daqueri mix and had a shot of vodka and a shot of peach schnapps.  I drank it with a straw and got a warm, fuzzy feeling.  I could have had another one. When we got home at 10ish p.m. Dad was asleep in his truck in front of T's house, because he couldn't get in the house due to it being locked.

Apr 4 - Wednesday - I got up, got dressed, and went downstairs to make myself some scrambled eggs again.  I had the skillet ready and had sprayed the olive oil in it and was prepared to crack the first egg into the pan, when Dad walks up beside me and says, "Would you fry me up 2 or 3 eggs?"  So, I cracked the eggs in the pan and walked away.   I left with my mom for a History of the Guitar lecture at the Booth Western Art museum in Cartersville, GA.    They served us a lunch of Salad, Southwestern Chicken Pita, Tomato Bisque Soup, and German Chocolate Cake.  It was so good!  

Apr 5 - Thursday - We got up and went to a local nursing home.  We were the entertainment!  Shawn's piano teacher does a little gospel sing along.  She requested that Shawn come and play a few songs he's been working on.  Since we were also in town, Melody and Mariah both played the piano, and then we sang some songs with the residents.  We were there for about an hour and we had so much fun!  Afterwards, we went to lunch with Shawn's teacher, then we toured the art gallery where mom hangs her work, and then we went home for about an hour before I took the kids to see a movie.   Mom made white chicken chili for dinner.  We ate too much and I went for a walk with Trina and Mark.  I must be in pretty good shape because I kept up with them pretty good.  Then I sat in the hot tub for a while before going to bed.  

Apr 6 - Friday - I got up, dressed, packed, and was on the road by 8:30 a.m.  I met up with Brittnay and got Hannah so she could ride with me to Denham Springs.  We made really good time and got to Demopolis, AL by 1pm.  We drove down to take a tour of the Gaineswood home that was built by Nathan Bryan Whitfield.  It was so awesome!   We got back on the road, and I started crying as soon as we crossed the state line and I haven't stopped.    We got to DS about 7:30 pm, dropped Hannah off with her Uncle Donnie, and then headed home.  We walked into the house, and it smells so bad!  It smells like something died in here and had started decomposing.  

Since I can't find any kind of decomposing critter, I did some research and I think it's some sort of sewer gas.  So, I am following the instructions on the website I found.  SEWER GAS

So far, it does not seem to be working.  *gag*

Apr 7 - Saturday - I got up and had to take the rental car back.  I've been in a pissy and bitchy mood all day today.  I'm mad at you.  I'm mad that you put me in this position.  I'm mad that you've left me like this.  I'm mad that you are not here to fix this plumbing issue.  I'm mad that you are not here for me to bitch at.  

I love you and miss you so much!

Me.