2018, May 27 - Last Sunday

Hey Baby,

So, today was my last day to play piano at Hebron.  I've decided to stop for the summer and make my final decision the end of July.  Sadly, no one said anything to me today when I left.  It's like either nobody believes I'm actually quitting or nobody really knows.    As I left, I mentioned to several people, "Have a great summer!" but nobody said anything.  I was really disappointed.

After church, I had to go into the office to do the paperwork for Youth Camp.  It's the girls first trip without me.  They'll be gone a full week to South Carolina.  I'm praying they have fun and a great time without me.  I wish they'd been able to go last year. 

Last year, when I took the whole summer off and we didn't go anywhere.  Last year, when YOU got to go to Alaska for 10 days WITHOUT me.  I'm still angry about that.  We were supposed to go TOGETHER!  And AGAIN, I can't go.  I had planned to, but the Social Security office is taking their sweet time with figuring out the money stuff.  So, this year, finances simply will not allow us to go.  But NEXT summer, we'll go.  Next summer, I'll take you on that road trip.  Next summer.

This summer, I have to figure out stuff.  Thus today was my last Sunday.

Love and Miss you so much!

Me

2018, May 22 - Piano Decision

Hey Baby!

I just wanted to write and let you know that I made another big decision today.  I think you would be proud.   I decided to take this summer and step away from play piano at church.  The past few summers, you and I had decided to take breaks so we could take trips.  We were supposed to go on that big Alaska road trip this year but, well, God had another trip planned for you.  

So, anyway, I decided to take another break but not for a vacation.  As you know, playing the piano at church puts me in a Leadership position.  But I'm feeling that right now, for me, I am not in a condition to Lead.  I cannot minister to others right now.  Instead, I need to be Led. 

I need to take some time and be alone for a bit to clear my head.  Or at least, ATTEMPT to clear my head.  

Missing you and Loving you so much.

Me

2018, May 21 - Insanity

Hey baby -

God I miss you so much!  Saturday was a day that I am not proud of.  I will not go into detail here but I know that you know what I'm talking about.  It started out okay with the Ladies Tea, but then quickly went downhill from there.

Sunday was not much better.  Went to church with a heavy heart.  Did my duties there.  Then took the girls to lunch and ran by Samantha's to let her dog out to potty.  Jay's mother died Thursday and they had to go to Arkansas to deal with the funeral and stuff.  They couldn't take the dog so I go by their place to let the dog out to potty.  

After that we went to their Spring piano recital.  It was their first one without you babe.  You'd be sooo proud of them both! M1 just BLEW ME AWAY with her playing!  She's really come into her own!  M2 is not far behind!  I predict they'll both be ready for State Rally next year.  

Then I THOUGHT we had to go back to church, but turns out we didn't.  So, we came home, where I took a late nap and just laid around until I had to back to Sam's to let the dog out again.  Tomorrow, I might bring the poor little fella home with us.

I miss you and love you so much.  I wish you were here with me.

Me.

2018, May 19 - Spring Tea

Hey babe,

Just wanted to bring you up to date.  I'm so tired Charlie.  Tired in my heart and soul.  Physically tired.  I had my first panic attack in a while today.  The girls and I went to a Ladies Spring Tea at church this morning.  I was okay about everything until I got half way through the tea.  I'm not sure what happened.  I was sitting there, chatting, started talking about you but I wasn't crying or anything.  I even was smiling as I was talking about you!  Suddenly, my heart was racing and I couldn't breathe!

I had to get up during prayer and make my way out to the restroom.  I was looking for somewhere to lay down before I fell down.  I did not feel well at all.  I'm going crazy.  I was so embarrassed!

I miss you and love you so much!

Me

2018, May 15 - Mother's Day Plus

Hello my Love,

I'm so sorry I haven't written in a few days.  There's just so much to keep up with.  On Friday, I had my counseling session.  I explained my dreams about you to the counselor.  Saturday, M1 had a birthday party to go to and I spend some time alone with M2.  

Sunday was Mother's Day.  Our first one without you here.  Kyle came to church and took me and the girls to lunch at P-Beau's.  It was really nice.  Then, he did something that made me cry.  He stepped up.  He offered to do what you would've done if you'd been here.  He offered to take the girls to the store to get something from them to me for Mother's Day.  He was so sweet to do that!  However, he did not get to.  I thought I had to be back at church, so I told him not to worry about it.  As soon as we parted ways, I got the text that I did NOT have to be back at church.  So much for that.  So, I came home and took a 3 hour nap. 

On Monday, I had to get up early and drive Samantha up to Zachary.  I thought I would be up there all day.  But it was finished early.  So, I drove her back to her house, then came home.  As soon as I got home, I spotted her keys on the center console of the truck.  That meant that I had to drive ALL the WAY back up to her place to return the keys.  As soon as I completed that task, I came back home.  I ran a big tub of hot water and climbed in.  My body is physically tired.  My soul is tired.  My emotions have been running the gamut.   I miss you so much.  You should be here with us.  

I'm so very sorry about the morning you passed over.  I was so scared that my tears would scare you.  I never wanted you to see me crying and that be the last thing that you see.   I should never have left your side.  I will regret that for the rest of my days.  I should not have walked away from you.   

M1 is having a hard time and is counseling for it.  She is doing better though.  I think I got her in there at the right time.  M2 is doing well and hasn't expressed any need for the counseling.  I think I'll schedule an appointment for her though, just in case.

Today, I had a doctor's appointment and then met with a friend for lunch.  Then I took M1 to her counseling session.  After that, I came home and found your sister's husband Gary here doing some brush cutting.  We started a burn pile and I was hauling limbs from all around to put on the burn pile.  The back yard is looking really good now!  He also cut the trash shrubs from along the side of the driveway.  

Tomorrow, I will go to my weekly widow's meeting.  Then, I'll get the girls from school so M2 can do her musicianship club requirements.  After that, M2 will have her guitar lesson and then we'll go to church.  Somewhere in there, I will take a nap or two.

We miss and love you so very much.  You were and will always be adored.

Your loving wife,

Me

2018, May 10 - Sewing Memories

Hey babe.  I love you.  

I wanted to share a little something with you.  You know I've been going to these support group meetings every other week or so.  Well, today, I went in there and we discussed many things as usual, but today, I had a special memory that I shared with them.

I don't remember the dates of this but I do remember it was shortly after we married.  Your mom gave me her old Kenmore sewing machine.  I accepted it with a smile but told you later, "What am I going to do with this?  I don't know how to sew!"  I remember your reaction, when you looked at me with those wide baby blues and said, "You don't know how to sew?  Well, it's time you learned."   You got an old washcloth and cut it in half.  You sat down with that sewing machine at the kitchen table.  You walked me through the threading process.  You handed me those to halves to a washcloth and you said, "Sew it together."  and I did.  You didn't know then what you started.  You didn't know I would graduate from washcloths to dinner napkins to quilts to prom dresses to Disney short sets and much more!  I thank you for kicking me in the rear and getting me going.  Although I'm not doing much sewing now, I'm grateful that you taught me and I have enjoyed using those skills. 

The sewing is just one of the many lessons I learned from you.  I will try to keep writing them down as they come to the forefront of my memory.  

I miss you and love you so much.  I wish you were here so I could tell you all about my days and what the girls and I are doing.  I know you can see us.  I know you can hear us when we talk about you and to you.  I know you can't communicate back to us though and I wish you could.  

Missing and Loving you.

Me.

2018, May 5 - Trees and Jonny Cash

Hey babe.

First off, I want to tell you that I dreamed about you this morning.  I was sitting in my recliner here with the laptop on my lap.  You came walking out of the kitchen in your red short sleeve pullover polo and your bahama shorts.  You sat down in your recliner but didn't lay back like you usually do.  You sat on the front half of the seat, leaned over at me and said, "Some things just never change."  I put the laptop aside, loudly said, "Ohmigod!  Ohmigod!" and reached over to touch you.  When I touched your arm, it felt so real!  I jumped up and got on top of you, kissing you, hugging you!  I asked you how heaven was and you said, "There's a lot of gays there."  But then you started to change.  You started wasting away.  It wasn't you anymore.  It claimed to be you but it was someone, or something else.  I asked you to tell me my middle name and you couldn't.  Then I knew it was no longer you.  You were gone again.  I got off of the person/thing I was on top of and rebuked it in Jesus' name.  Then I woke up.  I was so disappointed.  I really wanted to spend more time with you.

Changing the subject now.  Do you remember than guy from down around the campground?  Jonny Cash?  He had the Rottweilers before that Buddy would get tangled with.  Anyway, did you know he cuts down trees?  I didn't!  Samantha and Jay told me about him and gave me his business card.  So, I called him to cut down two pines.  The one in the middle of the front yard.  And the rotten one behind the house.  It's scaring me.  He got the one in the front down today and we'll get that all moved out of the way soon.  He's coming back tomorrow to get the bad one down. 

I love and miss you so much!

Me.

2018, May 8 - Independence

Hey babe. 

Well, I did it.  I got the trees down and the scrap metal sold.  I hate making these kinds of decisions but I don't have a choice anymore.  I HAVE to make them.  I never realized just how dependent I was on you.  I thought I was an independent woman but realized this week that I just THOUGHT I was.  I'm in fact, not independent at all!  I WISH you were here to make these manly decisions.  I sometimes don't know what to think or say or do in these situations.  These are things you should be dealing with ... not me.  These men who come to the house to look over the few items left for sale, will bamboozle me into taking 1/2 the price.   

I'm scared Charlie.  I don't want to do this alone.  Raise the girls.  Pay the bills.  Mow the lawn. Fix the motorhome.  I don't want to do this by myself!  I miss you being here.  I miss your hugs.  I miss your kisses.  I miss your smart ass remarks.  I miss your cooking.  I miss your coffee brewing even though I didn't drink it.  I miss your smell.  I miss everything about you.  I miss you.  

The girls are doing better.  This has been a rough week with all the choir rehearsals and performances.  This coming weekend is the girls piano recital as well.  We miss having you here with us to be in the audience.  

My thoughts have been all over the place these past 3 months.  I told you I had a dream about you.  I sleep now waiting for you to revisit me.  I want to see you and touch you again and the only place I can is in my dreams.  

I love you and miss you so much.

Me.

2018, May 4 - Sheet Metal is gone

I'm so sorry baby.  I couldn't keep it.  I know you wanted to build that shed, but I just couldn't keep the stuff.  What was I supposed to do with it?  I had to get rid of it.  The man took it away and gave me $1700 for it.  I feel bad about taking the money.  Like I sold a piece of you.  I'm so sorry.  Please forgive me.

Loving and missing you more.

Me

2018, May 4 - 3 Months, Hurt and Pissed

Hey Babe,

Happy Heavenly Monthiversary.  I guess that's the way you're supposed to say it.  It's 3 months away from you now.  I miss you so much.  I'm so lonely without you.  I've tried to stay busy, to keep my mind occupied.  I started working out and trying to lose some more weight.  I just need to get healthy to be here for the girls.  I'm planning road trips and vacations for me and the girls but none of it is any fun without you.  I went ahead and signed them up for the same summer camps they missed last year.  You told me last year not to sign them up because we were going on the big Alaska tour.  Remember, the one that never happened?  This year was Round 2, but it's not happening either because you went and died on me.  I'm so mad at you for that Charlie.  You weren't supposed to do this to me.

I'm upset with your kids.  Nathan and Josh haven't called.  Nathan has only responded to one text in 3 months.  Otherwise, crickets.  Josh has responded to a voice mail.  Otherwise, more crickets.  Tracy & Brandy at least return calls and texts but they have not initiated any communication. I'm worried for the girls.  I'm afraid these great kids of yours are going to forget us.  It's looking like they already have.  I know they lost their dad.  I know they are grieving as well.  But, hell, Charlie.  The girls are their baby sisters!  At the very LEAST, they should be contacting me to check up on them!  Right?  What will the girls grow to think?  That their older siblings don't give a shit?  Apparently, it's a fact.  I'm hurt for myself and for the girls and pissed that it hasn't happened in the 3 months that you've been gone.

M1 is hurting herself!  She's in pain!  She misses you!  She is in counseling and I don't plan to stop any of it unless I can't afford it.  Then, I'll try another route or something.  M2 SEEMS to be doing okay, but what do I know?  I can't keep it together even for myself.  I'm no good to them without you here.  I'm doing the best I can to keep going and keep them on their routine.  This summer is going to be very difficult.  If the Social Security office ever gets their crap together, then maybe I can plan some fun getaways for us.  We don't want to be home all the time with you not here.  

Don't get me wrong.  I have stuff I need to do here inside the house.  I need to purge each room and closet.  There's 20 years of clutter and boxed up junk to go through.  We're currently searching for your dog tags and service medal.  I know they were here before.  I just can't find them now.  The girls really want the dog tags and would like to each have one of them on a necklace.  I'm doing my best to find them.  

I sit here typing this and hear your windchimes outside.  The attachment on them says, "Listen to the wind and know I am near." but I don't feel you near.  I wish you were.  I wish you had never died.  I wish you were here with me right now, your arms around me, kissing the tears away.  You would know where to look for the dog tags.  You would be helping me with the purging.  Now, I have to do it alone and it hurts.

I love and miss you so much.

Me

2018, May 3 - National Widow's Day

Hey Babe, 

How come we never knew of National Widow's Day?  Is it because we just never paid attention?  I had no idea this day existed! But I'm glad it does.  

The day isn't for celebrating. It's more to bring awareness that widow's aren't just bitter, little old ladies, hiding in their house, wearing black veils and wailing of their loss. They’re amazing, loving, vibrant, beautiful, handsome people with a lot more love and life to give and live. Being widowed is like being on the tilt-a-whirl, bumper-cars, slingshot, roller-coaster and terror-ride then throwing up all at once. And not in a good way!! But I have met some of the most amazing people on this journey. They are superhero strong, wicked funny, southern tea sweet and way more supportive than a sports bra.

I even re-connected with a friend from way back when!  His name is Gene.  He was married when I met him 35 years ago.  George and I actually lived with him, his wife, and their 3 babies for about a month in 1985.  As it turns out, his wife, Emma, passed away just 3 short months before you did, my Love!  Was she waiting for you at the door to heaven?  Did she convince you to conspire with her?  Because Gene and I think it's a little strange that we re-connected the way we did.     

I won't go into it here.  I will save that story for another time.  But we are both convinced you and Emma had something to do with it.  If you did, thank you for that.  Talking with Gene has helped both of us in our grief journey.  It's been comforting to talk to someone who is walking the same walk. 

I love and miss you bunches.

Me

2018, May 2 - More Sheet Metal and He Moved the Piano

Hey Babe,

I am really missing you tremendously this week.  I was telling a friend of mine about your cooking.  your red beans and rice, shrimp tacos, and shrimp and corn chowder.  Man, I'm missing your cooking.  I'm not doing any cooking since you've been gone.  I guess I need to learn because the girls need to eat.  I've been very bad at it.  

So far, the sheet metal has not sold.   There's another fella coming to look at it tomorrow.  I'm praying he takes it because I sure could use the cash right now.

The girls have been giving me some trouble lately.  I pulled the "Dad" card and told them they don't get to speak to me in the tones they have been using.  It's disrespectful and not allowed.  I told them "What do you think your dad would say?" and then they replied, "You didn't have to bring that up!"  To which I responded, "Well, if you two weren't such little A-holes, then I wouldn't HAVE to bring it up!"  They shut up finally and had better attitudes the next morning.  I hate that it seems like we're constantly fighting lately.  I miss the laughter and the fun days we had.  I miss you and I know they do too.

On another note, Destry went and moved the piano to the other side of the stage.  I don't like it at all.  I feel like I've been punished and sent to the corner.   At band practice the other night, I didn't even feel like I was there to begin with.  I was over on the piano bench and completely ignored by everyone there.  I got a look when I began playing a soft song very loudly.  I think I got someone's attention then but couldn't be sure because I never looked up from the sheet music long enough to make eye contact.  I was so angry!  Not just because the piano was moved.  In fact, that wasn't what I was angry about at all.  I was angry at you.  Angry that you would leave us the way you did.  Angry that you aren't here with us like you should be.  And it was coming out in my playing Wednesday night.  The piano getting moved just triggered it.

I miss you so much.  I want you here with us.  I don't want to do the dating thing.  The men these days are dweebs.  None of them will ever measure up to you.

I love you and miss you!!!

Me