2018, Jun 25: Fathers Day/Birthday/Mowing the Lawn

Hey honey.  Just wanted to give you an update on what happened last weekend.  I was down.  Way down.  Laid crying in bed for 5 days down.  Father's Day was hard.  None of your older 4 called us.  None of them checked on the girls.  I wanted to do a special video for you for Father's Day but M2 said, "What's the point?  He's DEAD!".  That hurt.  We finally ended up doing a video and I posted it but not for Father's Day.  

As you know, my birthday was right after that.  I turned 51 Charlie.  Remember last year?  Remember when I was so depressed because I couldn't do what I wanted to for my 50th birthday?  Well, it happened again this year.  I didn't get to take the trip I wanted.  NONE of the kids remembered my birthday.  NONE of them sent me a card or said anything to me.  It's just another day I guess.  

I have a friend.  A guy friend.  If you can call him that.  Actually, I think YOU would call him a worm.  And the more I get to know this friend, I have to say that I agree with you.  He IS a worm.  BUT THIS WORM remembered my birthday and made it special for a few minutes.  He cooked dinner for me, he gave me a card, he bought me a cake!!, and gave me a dozen roses.  All of it was really meaningless, of course, because he was just trying to be nice but it was more than any of the kids did for me.  Soooo, that was my birthday.  Happy Birthday to me.

The rest of the week has been a roller coaster of emotions.  Up and Down.  I went to see Dr. K the other day.  I've been having some stomach issues for a while.  I thought it was digestive.  Turns out that's not what it is at all.  His tech did an ultrasound of my girly parts and found a cyst on the cervix.  When the probe hit the cyst, welllll, allllll those stomach pains immediately flared up.  OUCH!  He didn't even do a biopsy of it.  He said he was gonna watch it and see what it does.  Maybe it'll go away but the pains I've had have been going on for 2 years, so maybe it won't go away.  I dunno.

He did adjust my Buspirone from 7.5 mg to 15 mg.  That's helped with all my non-functionality and the crying jags.  I can actually get out of bed and get stuff done now.  I've been working in the yard.  Your sister and her husband (GT) have helped a LOT with hauling off the junk and tearing down the sheds.  I'm so glad they did because I have no idea what I would have done without them!

Yesterday, I mowed the grass, front and back yards.  I managed to get a rope tangled around the blades of the mower and had to get daddy to help me flip it so I could get to the blades and untangle the rope.  Once I got that done, I was able to finish the yard.  I cut the grass really close in hopes that I won't have to mow again so soon.  I have 2 burn piles ready to go but am scared to burn anything right now due to it being so dry.  I might go ahead and start one tonight though as long as I can sit there with the hose ready.  Otherwise, I might start hauling stuff across the street little by little so it can just rot.

Tonight, I'll start purging the utility room.  There's so much junk collected all over the house that I just don't know what I'm gonna do with it all!  I suppose I can take pics and post it online but that seems to be more trouble than it's worth.  I guess I'll take some time to look at Ebay or Craigslist and see what's going on there.

I'm also trying to figure out what to do with your remains.  I wasn't ready to let go of you earlier this year, but maybe I am now.  At least a little of you.  I need to get a plane ticket and go to Alaska to fish with Tracy.  I need to sprinkle you in the Alaskan Gulf where you enjoyed spending your time with your son.  I need to sprinkle you in the bayou behind the house, and at the deer stand.  I need to go to the Gulf of Mexico and sprinkle some of you there.  Maybe send some of you off for some pretty bead necklaces for the girls.  Then, I need to put the rest of you somewhere.   I was thinking of putting you in the vault with your parents and get your military marker added to theirs. You know, take you home.  If I can't do that, then I may look at a mausoleum in Denham.  I still need to do some research but I'm not going to get it all done today.

I love you and miss you tremendously my Love.  My knight in shining armor.  My Wasp Slayer.  (Remember that? You were so funny!)  Tremendously is not even a big enough word for how much I miss you.  I miss you from the depths of my soul.

Me

2018, Jun 16 - Father's Day/My Birthday/Depression

Hiya Baby,

Some words that have been going through my head lately are bad.  

Rejected. Worthless. Ignored. Friendless. Sad. Depressed. Ugly. Fat. Loveless. Alone. Unwanted. Undesirable. Tired.  And dare I say, or even mention, the word Death.  Yes, Death has crossed my mind.  If I'm so unwanted and undesirable, then why am I still here?  No I'm not suicidal.  Just questioning.  I am Responsible.  Responsible for the girls. I have to get them to college and adulthood successfully.

I have had several people suggestion a grief group or something.  I've been seeing a counselor but it doesn't seem to be helping anymore.  

Tomorrow is Father's Day.  The girls and I recorded a video for you.  It isn't much but it's all we could do for you.  We hope you can hear it in heaven and that you like it.  I really wanted to do something special for your Father's Day this year while we were on the road to Alaska.  Then my birthday is Tuesday also.  My first without you.  No flowers, or special dessert will be expected.  I know you won't be able to do that for me.  

I have been so very depressed.  I plan to see the doctor this week and see if he can give me something for it.  Maybe there's a chill pill that can help cheer me up a little.  If I can just glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel, maybe I can get motivated to take care of some things and move forward.  

I love and miss you so very much My Dahlin'.  So much.

Me.

2018, Jun 13 - Upcoming

Hey Dahlin',

I don't know what you're up to up there in Heaven, but I sure hope you've been keeping an eye on me and the girls.  I'm having to learn how to be a parent to the girls again.  I don't remember how to have fun with them.  

Honey, I don't know how to say this.  I just started dipping my toes in the dating pool.  I'm learning that I'm not ready for it.  I miss you too much.  I keep thinking about you and what you would say. 

Today, I had to take Daddy to the eye doctor.  While we were in the waiting room, he wanted to loudly discuss my finances and succession information.  I was so mad at him about it.

After that, I brought him home and immediately picked up Samantha to take to her "nerve burning clinic" on Essen and Perkins.  After about 2 hours there, we went back to Samantha's place to rest a bit before coming home.

Now, again, I cannot keep the girls quiet!   They are constantly talking or bickering back and forth.

They just got back from their youth trip.  I think they really enjoyed it.  

Well, I guess I'll write to you later.  

Love and miss you so much,

Me.

2018, Jun 11 - The 4th month

Hey baby,  I am so sorry that I have neglected to write to you.  I'm not a very good wife at all.  I wish I knew why you married me in the first place.  I'm not a housekeeper, not a cook, having a real hard time being a good momma to our girls, I'm selfish, I'm ugly and fat, .....  Why DID you marry me?  

Since I last wrote you, I believe, I took a sabbatical from the piano this summer (as we had planned to do for the Alaska Roadtrip That Never Happened), I dropped the girls off last Monday for their youth trip with the church (I didn't have a panic attack or cry like I thought I would.  Something is wrong with me.), spent the week doing nothing ..... except the hall bathroom ... I cleaned the hall bathroom.  I played the piano a little bit and made some videos for Facebook.  I also went and saw a movie by myself, Oceans 8.  

I finally got a flag case for your casket flag.  It looks good sitting at your work station.

I got the phone bill transferred into my name.  Now to work on the cable and internet packages.  Then I'll take all the vehicle titles to the DMV or a notary to get them transferred into my name.  I just hope the fees aren't too bad.

Father's Day is coming up.  So is my birthday just 3 days later.  The girls and I have a surprise for you.  We hope you like it.  

Sweetheart, I love and miss you so much.  

Me