Some words that have been going through my head lately are bad.
Rejected. Worthless. Ignored. Friendless. Sad. Depressed. Ugly. Fat. Loveless. Alone. Unwanted. Undesirable. Tired. And dare I say, or even mention, the word Death. Yes, Death has crossed my mind. If I'm so unwanted and undesirable, then why am I still here? No I'm not suicidal. Just questioning. I am Responsible. Responsible for the girls. I have to get them to college and adulthood successfully.
I have had several people suggestion a grief group or something. I've been seeing a counselor but it doesn't seem to be helping anymore.
Tomorrow is Father's Day. The girls and I recorded a video for you. It isn't much but it's all we could do for you. We hope you can hear it in heaven and that you like it. I really wanted to do something special for your Father's Day this year while we were on the road to Alaska. Then my birthday is Tuesday also. My first without you. No flowers, or special dessert will be expected. I know you won't be able to do that for me.
I have been so very depressed. I plan to see the doctor this week and see if he can give me something for it. Maybe there's a chill pill that can help cheer me up a little. If I can just glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel, maybe I can get motivated to take care of some things and move forward.
I love and miss you so very much My Dahlin'. So much.
Me.
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