2026, Apr 29 - The Past Few Days

My Dahlin' Chahles,

The past few days have been a bit of a mix.

I had all these ideas about getting out and exploring more… but the pollen had other plans. It hit me pretty hard - congestion, scratchy throat, that overall “I just don’t feel right” feeling.  So instead of adventuring, I’ve mostly been laying low.  Resting. Drinking fluids. Trying to let my body catch up.  Not exactly exciting… but probably necessary.

Work has been steady. I’m getting more comfortable with things, starting to find a rhythm. I’m not second-guessing every little thing like I was at first. Still learning, but not quite as unsure. That feels like progress.

Now… in the middle of all that, there was the paycheck snafu. Somehow, it fell through the cracks and didn’t hit when it was supposed to. That definitely got my attention - and not in a good way. For a minute there, things felt a little tight. But people stepped up.

CC loaned me some money without hesitation, and PM R got me a check written out to help bridge the gap. My bank, of course, decided to hold it and then reversed it (because why make things easy?), but still… it helped.  It reminded me I’m not completely out here on my own.  Even when it feels like it.

Even with not feeling great, I’ve had a few quiet moments that I’ve appreciated. Sitting in my apartment, listening to the stillness, watching the weather shift back and forth between cold and not-so-cold.

It’s a different pace up here. Slower in some ways. Louder in others - especially in my own head. I’ve also been thinking a lot about everything going on back home.

S and J… still doing their back-and-forth thing. I don’t even know what to say about that anymore. I just shake my head and let them figure it out. S is coming to stay with me for about a month.  I'm excited about that because we haven't had time together like that for quite a while.  I'm looking forward to it.

MJ2… I still worry about her. I try not to hover, but it’s hard when I know she’s struggling. Even though she says they aren't struggling.  Us parents see it differently, right?

And me?  Well, I’m okay.  Not 100%… but okay.

Adjusting. Learning. Resting when I need to. Pushing when I can.  It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.

I do wish you were here.

I think you’d like some of this… and probably laugh at some of it too.

I miss you.

Love you always,
Me

2026, Apr 26 - An Icky Weekend

 Dearest Charlie,

I’m feeling pretty icky this weekend.  I had big plans to get out and do some exploring… but the pollen has other ideas. It’s winning, and I’m over here fighting congestion, a scratchy head, and just that overall “blah” feeling.  Not exactly adventure-ready.

I keep thinking I should get up and do something… anything… but I just can’t seem to find the motivation. Every time I consider it, my body votes no.  So I guess this weekend is turning into a lay-low kind of weekend.  Rest. Fluids. Maybe something warm to eat. And a whole lot of not doing much.

Not what I had in mind - but probably what I need.  I do wish you were here.

You’d probably fuss at me a little, tell me to slow down and take care of myself… and then make sure I actually did it.  

I miss that.

Anyway… that’s about all I’ve got today.

Just me, a pile of tissues, and a stubborn case of pollen.

Love you,
Me

2026, Apr 24 - Fog, Fire, and A Little Snaffu

 My Darlin' Chahles, 

This week has been pretty relaxing for the most part.

Yesterday was beautiful. There was fog settled down in the valleys, and I managed to catch a sunrise photo. It was one of those quiet, still moments that just makes you stop and look for a while.  Then later that evening, I came home, took a quick nap, and on a whim decided to head out to Allegany State Park to find a sunset spot.

I found one.  Sat there and watched the sun go down… and then just stayed.  All the way until the stars came out.  I could hear frogs, and some kind of bird that sounded almost like a peacock - but not quite. Close enough to make me stop and listen though. It was peaceful. I wish you had been there with me.

Today started off fine… but by midafternoon, things took a turn. Because of a “falling through the cracks” snaffu, I didn’t get my regular paycheck.  So that put me in a bit of a bind. But by 3:30, things started coming together.

My young - and apparently very kind - coworker, CC, loaned me $300 and told me to text him if I needed more.  And PM R handed me a check for $743.  Which my bank promptly decided to hold until the next business day.  

Of course they did.

So here I am… temporarily funded, but not exactly liquid.  I’m hoping next week brings my regular paycheck plus two weeks of per diem. That would fix a lot of things.  

After work, I stopped by the pharmacy and picked up $150 worth of medicine (because why not pile that on), grabbed a Famous Bowl from KFC, and came home to my little apartment.

Changed into something more comfortable - basically an oversized T-shirt - and settled in.

And now… I’m sitting here feeling like I might be coming down with something.  Scratchy throat. Achy body. Headache.  Perfect timing.

No real plans this weekend.

If I venture out at all, it might be to Hobby Lobby or somewhere like that to grab some thread and a few things for the sewing project I brought with me.

Otherwise… I may just lay low and let this pass.  It’s been a week.

Some really good moments… and a few bumps along the way.

I sure do wish you were here.

I miss you terribly.

Love you always,
Me

2026, Apr 22 - Cold Confetti

My darlin' Charlie, 

How was your day?  I sure wish I could ask you that and actually hear your answer.

Since I last wrote, I told you about waking up to snow. Well… let me tell you - there was snow, but not much of it stuck. Mostly it felt like I was standing in a very cold confetti factory, with flurries flying everywhere.  The next morning there was a little ice, but then the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, so things warmed up pretty quickly.

I overslept this morning and almost missed the All Hands meeting - but I made it just in time. Barely. After that, I went to my desk and found a stack of papers waiting on me. So I spent the day sorting, scanning, emailing… rinse and repeat.  I was busy all day long and finally came to a screeching halt about ten minutes before quitting time.

Came home, took a shower, washed a load of clothes, and now I’m sitting here trying to decide what to have for supper.  Honestly… I’m leaning toward a bowl of Raisin Bran. Simple. Easy. No effort required.

It’s so quiet here. Too quiet.

I miss your voice. I miss your presence.

Oh - and before I forget… S and J are back together.

Yeah. I rolled my eyes too. But… it is what it is.

Anyway, that’s about it from this side.

I miss you.

Love you,
Me

2026, Apr 19 - A Quiet Day

 Dearest Charlie,

Today wasn’t very exciting.

I spent my first night in my “new-to-me” apartment and woke up to snow.  Snow… in the middle of April. Thankfully it didn’t stick, so tomorrow’s drive to work shouldn’t be too bad.

I spent most of the day just laying around, getting used to the place. It was quiet. Really quiet.

For breakfast, I had two bowls of Raisin Bran and a banana—so I’m basically a health guru now.

Snacked later on pretzel thins and hummus, watched a movie, and took a nap.  Then I got up and actually cooked a real dinner—chicken and bacon skewers with green beans and mashed potatoes. I felt pretty proud of that.

I started watching Cabrini and now I’m thinking about taking a shower and getting ready for tomorrow. I still need to figure out lunch—leftovers or a turkey wrap. Big decisions.

And that’s about it. Quiet day. The phone didn’t ring at all… except for MJ2 calling to borrow more money.

I don’t know what to do about that, Charlie. I can’t keep sending money… but I also don’t want to see her out on the streets. I think next time she calls, I’m going to tell her I won’t send money—but I will send a plane ticket for her to come home.

We’ll see how that goes.

Anyway…

That was my day.

I miss you.

Love you,

Me

2026, Apr 18 - Not Coincidence

 Dearest Charlie,

So… about my journey.  There are some things happening right now that I just don’t believe are coincidence.

First - Barnhart =  They called me out of the blue to offer me this job. I had applied months ago, heard nothing, and assumed I’d been passed over. So when they called, I couldn’t even remember what I had applied for.  That should’ve been my first clue.

Anyway, I said yes, packed up, and headed to New York—questioning my sanity the entire way and wondering if I was making a huge mistake.  Then I got here.

Went through orientation… and the very first thing they introduced was the Barnhart Purpose:

To glorify God by developing and empowering people for meaningful work, personal growth, and eternal impact.

And their mission: one team, leading from the front, creating good works.

I just sat there like… okay, Lord, I hear You.

Second - Cody = My coworker.  He is a strong Christian, solid and kind.  The other day, right there in the office, he felt led to pray for me. Took my hands and prayed over me. And it wasn’t awkward or forced.  It was just right.

And here’s the funny part ...

We end up talking a lot about bodywork - massage versus physical therapy, muscles, attachments, insertions… all of it.  Come to find out, he went to school in Texas and got his degree in Fitness and Human Performance and he became a personal trainer. 

So now we’re sitting there in a safety office… talking about muscles and movement like we’re back in a clinic somewhere.  Isn’t that something?

I leave massage therapy to focus on safety… and end up sharing an office with a former physical therapist and personal trainer - who is now the site safety manager.

Life is strange.

Third - this apartment =  When I first reached out, it was already rented.

Then, out of nowhere, about a week and a half later, the landlord contacted me and said the arrangement fell through and asked if I was still interested. Of course I said yes.  And today… I moved in.

Right next door to a Presbyterian church.

Now you tell me that’s coincidence.  Because I can’t.

On top of all that… I feel safe here.

Even my social anxiety hasn’t been nearly as bad. I don’t feel judged. My coworkers already feel like family.

It’s… refreshing. Peaceful, even.

So since my last post, I’ve mostly just been working and getting into the swing of things.

Come Monday, I’ll be on my own. Justin is going to show me how to run an HSE report, and then it’s basically sink or swim. We’ll see how that goes.

Kristi - my trainer - headed back to Tennessee today. We had a little going-away gathering for her last night. A few of us went out to eat, then hit a couple of bars.

And me? I called it a night around 9:30. Because… I’m old. Said my goodnights and went to my hotel room like a responsible adult.

This morning, I packed up from the hotel and moved into the apartment. Got here around noon and spent the afternoon getting settled.

Drove around town a bit, then made a run about 20 miles out to Aldi.  I was only going in for a few things. I ended up spending $98 and came out with GROCERIES.  So apparently I’m living large now. I’m going to have to rein that in if I plan on saving any money.

Tonight is my first night here.  It’s quiet.

Very quiet.

I haven’t figured out how to work the TV yet, so I’m using my laptop for entertainment like it’s 2005. I’ll call the landlord tomorrow and have her walk me through it.

I had tentative plans to go sightseeing tomorrow - there are a few quirky little spots around here - but it’s supposed to be cold and rainy.  And after all of my activity today, my knee hurts like it's filing a formal complaint.  So… I may just stay home and have a do-nothing day.  That actually sounds pretty good.

Anyway… that’s where things stand.  A lot of moving pieces.  But also… a lot of peace.

And I can’t explain that any other way than God.

I sure do miss you.

Love you always,
Me

2026, Apr 13 - A Better Afternoon

 Dearest Charlie,

I'm sorry didn’t write yesterday. My left leg was hurting too much, and I just didn’t have it in me. But… I did have a really good afternoon.

I went over to Letchworth State Park.  Charlie, it is beautiful.  I never imagined seeing something like that up here. The birds, the waterfalls, the sound of the water, and that mist rising up when you look down over the edge… I stood there for a while just taking it all in.

And of course, I thought of you. I wish you could’ve been there with me. I know you would’ve loved it.

I drove the entire length of the park, hoping to get a look at the camping area, but it was closed. I guess it’s still off-season.  But as soon as it opens… I’m going back.

I’m going to camp there a night or two. And with as many state parks as there are around here, I won’t run out of places to explore anytime soon.

In other news…

S and J are still on the outs.  Her heart is broken… and he’s still a jerk. I can already hear you telling me to stay out of it. And I am—mostly. I’m just trying to be there for her while she works through it. She’s going to be okay.  She's strong.

As for me… I changed my mind about that country apartment. It smelled a little too much like “country” for my liking anyway. I found another place in a neighboring town—within walking distance of antique shops and restaurants. Now that feels more like me.

And get this—it’s a three-bedroom. Plenty of space for family to come visit. And it’s only $1,000 a month. So not only do I get a better location… I get to keep a few more dollars in my pocket. I’ll take that win.

Oh—and one more thing… My work laptop and phone finally came in.  So now I can actually get started working.  And I think… I’m going to like this job.

Today started rough… but it turned out to be a pretty good day.

I just wish you were here to see all of this with me.

I miss you.

I love you.

Me

2026, Apr 11 - Adjusting ... and Improving

 Dearest Charlie,

Yesterday, I was invited to go with some of my new co-workers to Niagara Falls. At first, I was excited. Then I came to my senses. Two reasons.

One - I really need to stay focused on finding a place to live while I’m up here. And two—my knee is not cooperating. My joints are all inflamed, and the only thing I can blame is my current gourmet diet of ham sandwiches, chips, and soft drinks… with a splash of water so I can pretend I’m making good choices.

It’s showing up - In my joints. In my skin. Probably in my attitude too.

Once I get into my own place, I plan to return to eating like a civilized human being.

Until then… survival mode.

Now - even though I nixed the Niagara trip, I did manage to get out for a bit.  I was driving around, turned down a road just to see where it went, and ended up at Rushford (Caneadea) Dam Park.  It was a nice little spot.  I got out and walked… well, okay - limped… around for a few minutes and just relaxed. Nothing fancy. Just quiet. But I needed that.

In other news…

S and J are done. I’m sad for her… and not so sad for him. Honestly, I’m a little surprised it took this long for him to show his colors. She’s had her struggles, but she has worked hard—really hard—to get where she is.

He’s been emotionally supportive, I’ll give him that. But the minute he got a good job out of town, I guess he thought he could act a fool and not get caught. He forgot who he was dealing with. She’s got receipts.

Now she’s got to move forward, and I hate that I’m not there to help her through it. But she’s strong. She’ll figure it out.

Then there’s your baby… MJ2. Still in Oregon with her boyfriend. They’ve been there two months now, and he still hasn’t found a job. Every time I talk to her, they’re donating plasma to get by. 

That does not sit well with me.

She picked up a little job at Popeye’s, but it’s not enough to carry both of them. He needs to step up and start pulling his weight instead of letting her do it.

Mama is not impressed.

As for me…

I spent today running all over the place apartment hunting.

Last week, I looked at a little two-bedroom above a couple’s house on their farm. It definitely smells like country… and not the “fresh air and wildflowers” kind either.  But—it’s only 20 minutes from work and $1,200 a month, so suddenly I’m a lot more open-minded.  I tried to find something more private, but good luck with that. Even campers in campgrounds are running around $2,200 a month. For a camper. I don’t even want to know what comes with that price.

So… I called the farm lady back and told her I’d take it. Only catch - it won’t be available until April 22. Which brings me to my current situation…  I am back at the original hotel. But this time, I made friends. I talked to the manager, he called the owner, and they cut me a deal - $50 a night until my place is ready.

Now that… I can work with. So here I am. Roof over my head. Hot shower. TV. Soft bed. Washer and dryer. Honestly, I’ve had worse.

This whole work adventure hasn’t quite gone the way I imagined, but I’m adjusting. Improvising. Making it work. That seems to be my specialty these days.

Hopefully, once I get settled, I can start putting some money aside—maybe work toward another vehicle… maybe even a camper of my own one day.

(One that doesn’t cost $2,200 a month.)

I sure do wish you were here with me. You’d have a lot to say about all this.

I miss you.

I love you… muchly.

Me

2026, Apr 7 - Since I Arrived

Dearest Charlie,

I have arrived.

Well… technically, I got here Sunday evening and booked two nights at a place called Chaffee’s Lodge.

It’s… cute. In that “somebody tried” kind of way.

The room, the entire hotel, smelled like stale cigarette smoke and air freshener fighting for dominance. The furniture looked like it had all been picked up at different garage sales over the years - none of it matching, but all of it doing its job.

The owner (number four, apparently) told me a bit of the history. Built in 1961. The original owner had a restaurant and bar for her friends, then built the hotel so they wouldn’t have to drive home drunk.

Honestly… that tracks.

Either way - it was warm, I could shower, and I survived.

Monday was my first day at the jobsite. Orientation started at 7 a.m., and Charlie… it was a whole production.

First orientation with Wesson. Then another building for orientation with the company that hired me. Then off again for a physical and drug test.

And let me tell you - I have never been inspected so thoroughly in my life.

UA first. Then a nurse going over my medications like she was studying for a final exam. Range of motion, peripheral vision, regular vision, color test… and yes, I had to touch my toes. Then in with a doctor for even more questions and movement checks. And just when I thought I was done - nope.

Lift test.

Grip strength first, then lifting a box with increasing weight up to 50 pounds, making sure I knew how to do it “properly.” I passed… but I’m pretty sure they know more about my body now than I do.

After that, I grabbed my PPE and called it a day.

Went back to the hotel, washed some clothes, and rested.

Day two… I woke up to snow. Actual snow. It had snowed all night and froze my car doors shut. And this Louisiana girl? I was thrilled.

I carefully drove to work and stayed cozy inside while it snowed all day. At one point it was coming down sideways - which, of course, made me think of you.

“It’s raining sideways,” you’d say.

Well… now I’ve seen snow do it too.

After work, I moved to another place - Oakes Oramel Inn. Only booked one night since I didn’t know what I was getting into.  This one’s older too, but much smaller - only five rooms. Quiet. Cozy. About 15 minutes from the jobsite.

And just remote enough to make me wonder what all lives out there at night.

It’s fine. I’m fine. But I am officially ready to stop hotel hopping.

I want an apartment. A place where I can walk in, drop my stuff, and just be home. No hauling bags in and out. No wondering what the place is going to smell like when I open the door.

Just… mine.

Anyway, that’s life since I got here.

New job. New place. Snow. Motel roulette.

I sure do wish you were here to see all this with me.

You’d have plenty to say about these accommodations, I know that.

I miss you very much.

I love you.

Love,
Me

2026, Apr 4 - On the Road Again

Dearest Charlie,

Just a quick update since my last post.

As you know, I’m on my way to New York for this new job.

I stopped for a couple of days to visit Mom before heading on, which was nice. I needed that pause more than I realized.

I’ve been a little worried about my car the whole way, but she’s holding up. I’ve been checking the oil religiously, and so far I haven’t had to add any. That alone feels like a small victory.

And you are not going to believe this… Do you remember the AutoZone manager I dated before you? The one I dumped to be with you? Well, I ran into him today. Turns out he moved to Georgia and lives about ten minutes from Mom.

We stood there and talked for a bit, catching up on life, and I have to tell you - I was shocked at how much he remembered. Details from our very first meeting… things from our dates… from over 30 years ago!

Thirty years, Charlie.

I could not believe it.

Funny how life circles back around sometimes.

Anyway, after all that, I made a long stretch on the road today. I had planned to stay at one of the state parks, but everything looked booked up. So… Mom stepped in and got me a hotel room for the night.

I didn’t argue.  I will have to remember to stop and check these places out on the return trip home.

I’ll finish the last leg of the trip tomorrow and start work on Monday.

And here’s the part that’s got me a little spun up…

They’re expecting me to have housing lined up by Monday afternoon, and I just don’t see how that’s going to happen. So now I’m scrambling- looking at cheaper options, maybe a state park bunkhouse, maybe even a primitive campsite if it comes down to it.

Which, by the way… Did you know there are bears in New York? Because apparently there are. I don’t know why I thought they were just an “out west” thing, but now I’m over here considering camping and also wondering if I’m about to get eaten.

I swear, I feel like I’m losing my mind a little bit lately.  But underneath all of that…I’m also excited. And nervous. And trying to walk into this new job like I know what I’m doing - even though I don’t always feel like I do.

But I’m going anyway.  I drove all the way up here for it.  So, I’ll figure it out.  You know I always do.

I just wish you were here to talk me through it… or remind me that I’ve got this, even when I don’t feel like it.

I miss you muchly and Love you always,

Me 

2026, Apr 3 - Since Mar 29

 Dearest Charlie,

I figured I’d sit down and catch you up on everything that’s been going on since March 29.

It’s been… a lot. Not one big thing, just a bunch of moving parts all at once.

I left Louisiana and started heading toward New York for this job. I didn’t rush it - I broke the trip up so I wouldn’t push myself or the car too hard. I made it to Dallas, Georgia and stayed a couple of nights to rest before going any further.

Traveling like this by myself is… different. Quiet. Lots of time to think. Lots of time to talk to you in my head. I’ve had to figure things out as I go - money, gas, where I’m stopping, how far I can make it. A few people helped me along the way, which I’m really thankful for. A tank of gas here, a little cash there. Just enough to keep me moving. 

But I’m not gonna lie… I wish you were here.  Even just to sit in the passenger seat. Or be on the phone with me helping me think through things like you always did.

There’s been some stress - mostly about money and making sure I land on my feet when I get up there. I found a little furnished cottage in Ellicottville. It’s about a 30–45 minute drive to the job site, which doesn’t bother me. What did make me stop and think was the cost - $2,000 a month and a $2,000 deposit.

That’s a lot. More than I was expecting. So I’ve been trying to figure out what makes sense… what I can handle… what I’m willing to risk. At the same time, I’ve been dealing with all the other stuff - onboarding paperwork, insurance issues, prescriptions, and my knee acting up at the worst times.

Come to find out, my health insurance doesn’t even cover me out of state. That one hit me sideways. So now I’ve got to be extra careful and have some kind of plan if something goes wrong. It just feels like a lot of details all at once. But… I’m handling it. Not perfectly. But I’m doing it.

And I’ve had a few moments where I just stopped and thought, “Charlie would know exactly what to do here.” You always did. You had a way of making things feel simple… manageable.

I miss that.

I miss you.

But I’ll tell you this - I’m doing it.

I’m making the decisions. I’m figuring things out. I’m moving forward even when I don’t feel 100% sure about any of it. I don’t always feel strong… but I guess I am. So that’s where I am right now. Kind of in between. Not settled. Not certain. Just… moving.

And hoping this next step turns into something good.

I wish you were here to see it.

Love you,
Me

2026, Mar 29 - Steady Through the Shift – Sunday Reset

 My Dearest Charlie,

Today felt like a mix of quiet, normal, and just a little bit of that “this is really happening” feeling underneath it all.

I went to church this morning - for the first time in a while. Why did I wait so long?  Well, because I'd been working that turnaround, ya know.  Anyway, it was Youth Sunday, so the young people led the whole service. There was something about it that felt fresh and honest. Not polished, but real. I think you would’ve liked that.  It reminded me of when the girls were younger.

It’s also Passover Sunday, so we had communion - The Lord’s Supper. That part slowed everything down for me. Gave me a moment to sit still and just take it in.

After church, I was hungry - hungry hungry - so I stopped at Dairy Queen and got some chicken tenders before heading home. Yes, I had leftovers in the fridge from game night with Alex… and yes, I could have waited.

But I was hongry. So chicken tenders it was.

I got home, laid down, and took a nap. Woke up… hongry again… and ate the leftovers anyway. So apparently today was sponsored by food and naps.

After that, I played on my phone a little while before finally getting up and tackling some more housework and decluttering.

And Charlie… I have SO MUCH to do before I leave Thursday.

It’s starting to settle in - not in a panicked way, but in that quiet “how is all of this going to get done?” kind of way. I know I’m going to have to trust that LB and Dana can handle things here.

I do worry about LB being here alone all weekend. That part sits in the back of my mind.  But I can't do anything about it other than try to reassure her that everything will be okay.

Up until now, I’ve mostly just felt excited about this opportunity. The worry hasn’t really had much space yet. But I can feel it starting to show up - little things like the car, the distance, all the moving pieces.

Also - my left knee is really bothering me today. Bad enough that I can feel it running up my IT band and into my hip. Thank goodness I’ve got that appointment with Kasey tomorrow to massage it out. I may just have her focus on that left leg and nothing else.

Still… I think if I take my time and space the drive out over a few days, I’ll be alright.

That seems to be where I am right now—doing what I can, trusting the rest, and just taking it one step at a time.

 How would you feel about me printing you out and making a Flat Charlie companion for the trip?  It may be silly but I'd feel a little like I'd have you there to share the trip with. I miss you in the ordinary parts of days like this. The church service, the drive, even something as simple as stopping for food - I still think often about what it would be like if you were there with me. 

But I’m okay.

Really, I am.

Just moving forward… steady.

Love you always,
Me

2026, Mar 28 - Steady Through the Shift

 Dear Charlie,

Everything lately feels like it’s shifting - but not in a chaotic way. More like the ground moving just enough to remind me I’m not standing still anymore. And somehow, in the middle of all that, I feel steady.

It’s been a full stretch of days since March 22. The kind where life doesn’t just move forward—it shifts under your feet a little.

I think the biggest thing… I’m getting ready to leave. Temporarily.

I’ve got a job lined up in New York with Barnhart Energy. It looks like it’ll be about eight months. That still feels strange to say out loud. Me… going that far, that long, alone.

Part of me is excited. Part of me is nervous. And part of me is just… steady. Like this is something I’m supposed to do.

But I sure wish you were here to share it with.

I’ve been trying to figure out the logistics of it all - whether to drive my little car with all those miles on it or fly and figure things out once I get there. Our mechanic, Brian (you remember him?), basically gave me that look… the one that says, “I wouldn’t push it.” So I’m weighing it all out carefully.

You’d probably tell me not to be stubborn about that.

I even walked into the bank to see about rolling my small loan into something bigger - just to give myself a cushion for the move. Left my name. Still waiting to hear from them.

Health-wise, I’ve been looking at my labs and my medications. Nothing scary, but enough to make me pay attention. I told them flat out - I don’t want to go on a statin. I’d rather handle things another way if I can. You know me… I’ll try to do it the natural way first, even in the middle of a big life change.

I’ve also been thinking ahead about how to manage everything while I’m gone - my prescriptions, my CPAP, all the little things that don’t seem like much until you’re 1,000 miles from home.

I tried DoorDashing for a minute - just to see if it was worth it. Made a little money, but not enough for the miles I put on the car. It reminded me that not every opportunity is a good one, even if it looks easy on the surface.

I got my tax summary pulled together and sent off to the CPA. That felt good - like closing a loop, even if I’m still going to owe a chunk in the end.

And then there was today… today was different.

I went to a memorial service with Dana. I went for her. That was my whole reason. She was stressed knowing Thomas would be there with his new girlfriend. The service was for his mother, Linda - her birthday, actually. She would have been 75.

Dana had a hard time. She couldn’t stop watching them - him and Angie - holding hands through the service. You could see it weighing on her.

But then something unexpected happened. Thomas hugged Dana. Not just a quick hug - a long one. And he told her they would talk later.

I don’t know what that means. Maybe nothing. Maybe something. But it sure stirred things up in her.

I just stayed beside her. That’s all I could do. Just be there.

I think you would’ve been proud of how I handled that. I didn’t get pulled into it. I didn’t try to fix anything. I just stood steady for her.

That seems to be the theme right now… steady.

Even with everything changing, everything uncertain - I feel more grounded than I expected to.

I miss you in moments like this. In the decisions. In the quiet drives. In the “what would Charlie say” thoughts that still come up.

But I also feel like… I’m doing okay.

Maybe even better than okay.

Just taking it one step at a time.

Loving and missing you always,
Me

2026, Mar 22 - A Full Day, Start to Finish

Dearest Charlie,

After a night alone, I got up fairly early and drove over to Covington to have breakfast with my brother.  I really hate these nights alone.  But what can I do?  Heck I even re-did a dating profile, for all of 24 hours.  Deleted that thing already.  Anyway, back to the day.

My brother and I met up at Abita Roasting Company. I ordered a chai latte and eggs Benedict. It was nice - simple, easy conversation, nothing rushed.

After breakfast, we went to church at New Beginnings. It was a good service. Today was kids’ service day, so many of the children were filling the usual adult roles - greeting, opening prayer, even helping with worship. It was sweet to watch.

After church, we went back to my brother’s house and visited for a bit. He told me his dog Scamp has been aging, but I wasn’t prepared for how much he’s declined. It caught me off guard. Then he reminded me - Scamp is about 15 years old. For a dog, that’s a long life. A good one.

We also spent some time going through some of Daddy’s notes and journals. My brother is going to make copies for me. I’d like to gather everything and put together a small book for each of us kids. I think that would mean a lot.

Later, we went to the Pelican Park Bark Park so his other little dog "Little Bit" could roam around and sniff everything in sight. Then, we took a drive along the Mandeville lakefront. We had talked about riding bikes, but my knee was bothering me, so we opted for a drive instead.  I'll try the bike ride another time.

Still nice.

We went back to his house for a bit, and then I headed home. I haven’t done much since.

Last night, I downloaded DoorDash, thinking I might try to get out and make a little extra money. But today… I just wasn’t quite brave enough to take that first order.

Maybe when the bank account gets a little lower, I’ll find that courage.

So, that was my day.

I’m about to take a shower and head to bed. I’ve got to be at Alliance Safety Council in the morning for my BOP refresher before it expires at the end of the month.

Oh—and my supervisor texted early this morning. She said she put my name in for a job at Westlake.

So… here’s hoping something gets scheduled soon.

I miss you muchly.

Love you always,
Me

2026, Mar 21 - Just An Ordinary Day

Dear Charlie,

Today started out as nothing.

I was planning to just lay around the house, not do much of anything. But to my surprise - and honestly, my pleasure - a church friend reached out and invited me to a Sunday School class fish fry.

I went.

And I’m really glad I did.

I needed that. Just being around people for a little while. I stayed just long enough for my nervous system to enjoy it… but not so long that I got overwhelmed. You would’ve been proud of that balance. I’m learning.

After that, I went to visit DQ and J over in FS for a bit.

A couple of weeks ago, DQ went to Childress, Texas to be with J while he’s working with MMR. She talked me into keeping her cat, Tux, and dog, Beaux, here at home. And lemme tell ya… that was a bit of an ordeal.

Tux has been getting diaper trained because he pees on everything. Everything. And Beaux… well, he’s easier, but both of them needed more attention than I could really give.

So today, DQ and J came to get them.

She ended up rehoming Tux so he can just be a cat again - no diapers, no restrictions. He’s going to be an outside cat now, and I think he’ll adjust just fine.

And tomorrow, they’re heading back to Texas with Beaux.

DQ’s been having a hard time lately - depressed, stressed - and Beaux is her emotional support. He’s eight years old now… so she may need another one eventually. But that’s a whole different conversation.

The Teen (though had hasn't been a teen for 15 years now) called me today too.

Just needed to vent. He had me on the phone while replacing his radiator - I couldn’t help but laugh. It reminded me of the times he’d call you, hold the phone over the engine, and you’d diagnose the problem right there. That was one of your gifts… and he never stopped being in awe of it.

Little Bird has a job now - working nights as a caregiver for a handicapped lady. So when she’s home, she’s sleeping. But she’s been subbing for me with my piano students while I’ve been working in the plants, and she’s doing a really good job.

I’m proud of her.

This week, I’m going to tag along with her a bit - just to support her and guide where needed.

As for me…

I got laid off last week from the DOW project. I’m hoping to hear something soon about the next one - maybe within a week or two.

In the meantime, I’ve signed up for Spark, Instacart, and DoorDash. Between those, a little in-home massage, and piano lessons, I should be able to stay afloat until the next project comes along.

I’m figuring it out, Charlie.

Oh, and I don’t know if I told you…

Roo and her boyfriend, A, moved to Portland, Oregon.

Can you believe that?

They just… went. No real plan other than, “We’ve got enough money for a hotel for a while. We’ll find jobs when we get there. Then we’ll find an apartment.”

I don’t know whether to admire that or worry about it.

Probably both.

So that was my day.

Nothing big. Nothing dramatic.

Just life.

Tomorrow, I’ll go to church, spend some time with my brother, and I might start getting the car ready for camping. I haven’t decided yet.

I wish you were here so we could go together.

I wish I could feel your arms around me just one more time.

I miss you.

Love you always,
Me

2026, Mar 20 - Four Years Later, Still Talking to You

Charlie, my love,

It’s been four years since I last wrote to you like this.

Not because I didn’t have anything to say… but because I’ve been saying it to you all along—just in pieces. In texts. In quiet moments. In my head while driving down the road or laying in bed at night.

I guess I never really stopped talking to you.

Sometimes it was just simple:

“I miss you so much.”

Other times… it was everything all at once:

“Hey baby - just an update. I managed to get through another anniversary and birthday since you’ve been gone. I took off work this weekend to dwell on you.”

The girls are grown now, Charlie. They’re working. Finding their way. I know you’d have thoughts about that… probably a few strong opinions too.  But ultimately, I think you'd be proud of them.

And me…

I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with myself without you here to steady me.

“I could use your advice. I’m quitting the massage thing and trying to find me a job in the plants. I finished my CSST and OSHA courses so I’m itching to get started.”

That was me - standing at the edge of something new, scared and determined all at once.

And then life kept doing what it does best… not waiting.

“I have good news and bad news. Since you’ve been gone, I developed a little spot on my left lung. The doctors have been watching it… and unfortunately it has grown. I have no symptoms, but I am concerned.”

I didn’t have you to sit across from. No steady voice. No “we’ll handle it.” Just me… trying to be brave.  Fortunately, it turned out to be nothing, but in that moment, it sure didn't feel like nothing.

And then, right alongside the fear -

“I think I may be starting a new job soon. I’ll be working in Laurel, Mississippi for five weeks at a time. I’m very excited about this opportunity and can’t wait to get started. I wish you were here so I could share all this with you. I know you would be excited for me.” (This also didn't turn out as expected.)

That’s been the pattern, Charlie.

Hard things.
Good things.
All tangled up together.

And then… the kind of moment that would’ve sent me straight into your arms -

“And not one hour after I sent you this - our baby girl was in a bad car wreck!”

She’s okay. Bruised. Shaken. Learning about grown-up problems now - insurance, banks, responsibility. You would’ve handled that situation so much better than I did… but I did the best I could.

I always do.

There are moments I wish you could see me now.

“You know a year ago, I finally decided to go into safety. I had to harness up and climb a 30-foot ladder straight up. I was shaking like a leaf on a windy day… but I DID IT!”

I wanted you there for that so bad.
I wanted to hear you say you were proud of me.

“I got a job! I start at Shintech on Thursday! I’m so excited and scared at the same time. I wish you were here for me to tell you all about it… or to give me advice about the plant.”

That was a turning point, Charlie. The beginning of something I never saw coming for myself.

And in between all of it… the quiet, aching moments never really left.

“I was sleeping and I heard your voice so clear. Even after I woke up, it took me a second or two to remember you are not here anymore.”

That one… still gets me.

And then there’s the real-life stuff - the kind you would’ve taken the lead on without hesitation. That’s been one of the hardest parts. Not just missing you… but missing your presence in the middle of decisions that matter.

I’ve had to grow in ways I didn’t ask for.

I’ve had to stand on my own in places I never thought I would.

And somewhere along the way… I did.

Not perfectly.
Not gracefully.
But I did it.

And yes… I even tried dating.

Lord help me.

I’ve met a few along the way. Some just passing through, some I thought might be something more - but none of them were you. Not even close.

What I’ve realized is… I’m not just looking for someone to fill space.

I’m looking for what we had.

And I know now - that’s not something you stumble into. That’s something rare.

So here I am, four years later.

Still missing you.
Still talking to you.
Still wishing I could turn and see you sitting there, listening like you always did.

But also…

Stronger than I was.
Braver than I thought I could be.
Still moving forward—whether I feel ready or not.

I hope, wherever you are… you can see me.

And I hope…

you’re proud of me.

Love you always,
Me