Hey Babe,
Happy Heavenly Monthiversary. I guess that's the way you're supposed to say it. It's 3 months away from you now. I miss you so much. I'm so lonely without you. I've tried to stay busy, to keep my mind occupied. I started working out and trying to lose some more weight. I just need to get healthy to be here for the girls. I'm planning road trips and vacations for me and the girls but none of it is any fun without you. I went ahead and signed them up for the same summer camps they missed last year. You told me last year not to sign them up because we were going on the big Alaska tour. Remember, the one that never happened? This year was Round 2, but it's not happening either because you went and died on me. I'm so mad at you for that Charlie. You weren't supposed to do this to me.
I'm upset with your kids. Nathan and Josh haven't called. Nathan has only responded to one text in 3 months. Otherwise, crickets. Josh has responded to a voice mail. Otherwise, more crickets. Tracy & Brandy at least return calls and texts but they have not initiated any communication. I'm worried for the girls. I'm afraid these great kids of yours are going to forget us. It's looking like they already have. I know they lost their dad. I know they are grieving as well. But, hell, Charlie. The girls are their baby sisters! At the very LEAST, they should be contacting me to check up on them! Right? What will the girls grow to think? That their older siblings don't give a shit? Apparently, it's a fact. I'm hurt for myself and for the girls and pissed that it hasn't happened in the 3 months that you've been gone.
M1 is hurting herself! She's in pain! She misses you! She is in counseling and I don't plan to stop any of it unless I can't afford it. Then, I'll try another route or something. M2 SEEMS to be doing okay, but what do I know? I can't keep it together even for myself. I'm no good to them without you here. I'm doing the best I can to keep going and keep them on their routine. This summer is going to be very difficult. If the Social Security office ever gets their crap together, then maybe I can plan some fun getaways for us. We don't want to be home all the time with you not here.
Don't get me wrong. I have stuff I need to do here inside the house. I need to purge each room and closet. There's 20 years of clutter and boxed up junk to go through. We're currently searching for your dog tags and service medal. I know they were here before. I just can't find them now. The girls really want the dog tags and would like to each have one of them on a necklace. I'm doing my best to find them.
I sit here typing this and hear your windchimes outside. The attachment on them says, "Listen to the wind and know I am near." but I don't feel you near. I wish you were. I wish you had never died. I wish you were here with me right now, your arms around me, kissing the tears away. You would know where to look for the dog tags. You would be helping me with the purging. Now, I have to do it alone and it hurts.
I love and miss you so much.
Me
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