I really don't remember much of this weekend. Trina left, Dana left, Mom hung around for a few extra days, and I just went through the motions, I think. I honestly don't remember.
Tonight, though, is the first night back home since Charlie passed. We got up this morning and I took them to Mama's restaurant in Gonzales, where Charlie would take me sometimes when he had an inspection down that way. While we were there, the funeral services called and told me that Charlie's cremains were ready to be picked up. She said they were in St. Amant but they would transport them to Walker and I could pick them up there later this week if I chose.
At first, I considered going to get him so we could return home as a family, the way we left, though a little different. Then, I decided that I was mad at him, and that he could sit and stew a few days until I came back this way again. He's not going anywhere.
The girls and I came home and unloaded some boxes of his books and photos. I cried a little. Then we left to take the girls to a grief counselor session. They seem to be doing fine for now but I just wanted to get them in there for an "emotional well check". Seems like I'm the one who needs the counseling.
I'm so tired. I'm having frequent dizzy spells. Usually just while watching TV or playing piano. I haven't noticed it when I'm driving. I have an appointment to see my GP on the 21st but I'm wondering if I should wait that long. It's likely just lack of sleep. I've been sleeping only in 3 - 4 hour spurts.
Tonight, I plan to sleep in my recliner. I don't want to go to my bed knowing he's not there and will never be there again. I want to be close to him, but I don't. If I'm close, it hurts. I cry and I get a headache and my chest will hurt. I have his camo shirt hanging on the bedpost at the foot of the bed. I grab it and inhale deeply of his smell when I go by, but it's painful too. It makes me miss him even more.
No comments:
Post a Comment