Hey hon,
Well, today started off a little rough. This is gonna be a long entry so hang in there. First off, Mariah told me she needed a poster board for a class today. She couldn't tell me last week. Nope, she waits until last night. Anyway, we got up early and headed to the store to get one. Mrs. Mary said she'd missed seeing you at the store and asked where you were. She was shocked and saddened to hear the news about you.
Afterwards, I went to the other store to get some big clear plastic totes to get started Clean Sweeping the bedroom. I felt the anxiety coming on already. I loaded them in the truck and began to head home. I didn't get very far when 3 of them flew out and in front of the cars behind me. I managed to turn around and go back and get them. Only one was broken. Anyway, up to this point, I was just having trouble breathing. Then when I went back to get the totes that flew out, I started having a full blown anxiety attack. I guess it was the idea of coming home and beginning the sorting process in the Master Bedroom. I just couldn't do it. When I got home, I just put the totes in the living room and started playing the piano. After about an hour of that, I got up and loaded the dishwasher. I was interrupted when your sister knocked on the door.
She and her husband are phenomenal! They brought a trailer to load up all the scrap iron and stuff around here. They got a full load and cleaned up the backyard and some of the front stuff under the porch. It sure would have been nice if you'd attached some sort of instructions to each item! You should see the backyard now! We HAVE one!!! Gary said he'd be coming back to do some mowing around here and make things a little nicer again.
While they were still here, I had to leave to get the girls and take them to their Ortho appt. I spent the rest of the afternoon on the road running hither and yon, as always.
I sucked it up and went to church tonight. I mean, I went to band and choir practice. Before I even arrived on the church campus, I begin having the anxiety attack symptoms. I tried to control it with deep breaths. I entered the church and the tears started. I managed to play through a couple of songs without breaking down but I sure was having trouble breathing through them. The last worship song was the hardest.
Then it was time for choir practice. Again, it wasn't so bad on a couple of songs until he pulled out "Where Amazing Happens". Well, I couldn't sit there and listen to that song. I had to get up and walk out. See, that song has been in the back of my mind since before you died. D had introduced it to the choir about a week or so before. After you died, the chorus kept reverbing in the back of my mind. Last week, D sent out an email to the choir stating that they were going to sing it in the worship service. I purposely skipped that particular worship service because the music was triggering emotional displays. So, I skipped that part and went in right in time for the preaching. Then this Wednesday, he decides to go over it again with the choir. I couldn't handle it and walked out. A few minutes later the song stopped and we were able to leave. I had to call D and tell him about my power struggle with the Lord though. He got a good laugh out of it.
I'm so lonesome without you. I miss you and love you so much. I even made a stupid Match.com profile to look for you but you aren't there so I deleted my profile. I'm not ready for all that. I just wanted to find you again.
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