I met with Nathan, Tracy, Brandy, and Josh at the Funeral services office to discuss plans for Charlie. It was a short meeting. It felt really cold and business like, though the director was very compassionate. Tracy was the warmest person there. Everyone else seemed really reserved and distant. It took be back to the junior high days of me of being the last person picked for the dodgeball team.
For 20 years I was married to this man. 20 years of loving this man. 20 years of Thanksgivings and Christmases. And during those 20 years, saw the kids most Thanksgivings and Christmases and on some special occasions. I knew he spoke to Tracy on the phone at least weekly. I don't know about the others so much. I wondered about them sometimes. But none of them ever called ME. None of them ever reached out to ME.
And now, I have to deal with them to make final arrangements for their father. Was I doing every thing right? Would I make someone mad? Will they turn on me later? Will they hate me? Did they always hate me?
After the funeral meeting, I took my girls up the road for lunch. Both Melody and I were feeling sick. From there, we went home. Home. Where he is not. Where he will never be again. The "boys" met me out there to look at the driveway Charlie never got around to fixing. I was so mad at him for so long about that. I was so mad at him for never finishing his projects. I didn't realize that his back hurt him so bad for so long. I'm sorry I was so mad at him.
I met the boys at the house. They walked around and looked at all the unfinished projects. The unfinished driveway that the ambulance couldn't drive through. I don't know what was going through their minds. They never voiced their thoughts to me but I wish they had.
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