2018, Apr 15 - Sunday

Hey babe,

It's me again!  I think you know that by now.

I've had a bad couple of days.  Friday was real emotional for me.  I think it was because I realized this weekend is 10 weeks since you've been gone.  ONLY 10 weeks, but FEELS like FOREVER!!!   I started reading a book.  It's called "Option B".  Basically, it's about the unavailability of Option A, which would be having you here, but you're not and can't be ... that Option is unavailable.  So, this book helps me to discover the tools needed to kick the shit outta "Option B".

After reading a chapter and paragraph, I decided to take a shower.  The weather had been bad all day, even at the crawfish boil, but the power here at the house never went out.  I was standing there under the hot water, shampoo lathered in my hair, face wash on my face, and suddenly I was surrounded by pitch black darkness.  I screamed and got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around my soapy body and went on the hunt in the dark for a flashlight.  By some miracle, I found it, got back in the shower, and quickly rinsed off.  That was one of my FIRSTS.  I fear there is going to be a long list of FIRSTS during this next year.  2018 started out great in January but is quickly going downhill.   So, I wrote this one on the list ... First Power Outage.  It was so quiet and dark without you here.  It was lonely without you here.  If only I had a short recording of your snoring.  Maybe that would have helped.  Eventually, I did drift off to sleep, and the power came back on.  But it was tough.

Last Sunday, I had a bit of a meltdown during the worship rehearsal.  The praise team sang "Great Are You Lord".  As I played the introduction, I knew what the words were going to be.  "It's Your breath, in our lungs" and I thought, "Why couldn't HE breathe into his lungs!?"  Then I broke down.  I cried through the whole song.  I almost couldn't play it.  Went out and ugly cried for ten minutes. Got myself together and then played it for the worship service.  The second time through, there were emotions but not as bad.  Then Wednesday, we got the next set of songs.  In that set was another one of the songs that I heard that horrible Sunday morning.  This time it was "Same Power".  And instead of melting down and crying, I had a panic attack and couldn't breathe.  Will I have these reactions every time I'm faced with emotion?  I don't know.  I hope not.  I want to live for you!  I don't want to keep breaking down! I told the counselor about it.  He says the panic attacks are my brain's way of protecting me from the intense emotions.  I don't know much about psychology but it made sense to me.

Today, I woke up in an exceptional mood.  I feel like I'm on top of the world.  I can handle anything that comes my way.  I saw a saying this week, "You Can't Stop the Waves, but you CAN learn to surf."  So, I'm rocking the surf!  Got up and and headed to church.  Then after, the girls had LPCC Awards where they racked up as usual.  You'd be so proud of them!  They are doing so good!  Mariah is processing her grief in the shower and by being her smart alecky self.  Melody is using her music to process and it is so beautiful!  She is really becoming quite the musical artist. 

It's that time of year you know.  The end of the year programs, concerts, and recitals.  We miss having you here with us.  It's hard for me to sit in the audience alone knowing that you won't be home at the end of the evening. 

After Awards Day, I followed that up with a Parent Youth meeting back at the church for summer youth plans.  I think it's gonna be good.  I'm tentatively planning that Alaskan road trip you wanted to go on so badly, but I'm not sure it will happen.  IF it does, then we're gonna have a great time!  If NOT, you'll have to wait one more year.

Well, babe, I guess that's it for now.  I'll be back tomorrow with another update.

Love and miss you bunches!
ME