This week has been hard. First with dealing with the lawnmower .... Daddy got it started and I was able to get the front yard mowed before it died again and I couldn't get it started again. That same night, it rained hard! The lawnmower got caught in the rain, because I couldn't get it started and under the shed covering.
On Monday, Apr 23, I went to the annual Prism Music. This time it was held in Zachary. As usual, I was excited to go and hear the new Christmas stuff just being released. I drove that whole ride on the interstate feeling really positive and upbeat. Then I exited at Exit 8A and took a right. Suddenly, I got hit right in my chest by a force so strong that I couldn't breath. Apparently, I was right in that area that you had to do some inspections and I tagged along with you. I wasn't expecting all those emotions to ambush me like that! I'm on my way to a stinkin' music conference!
I
cried and cried all the way to the parking lot of the church. Then I
sat in the truck and cried more when I got there. I finally dried my
tears and went inside to hear the music and feel better.
I
later thought about it and wondered about dating again. What if I was
on a date and I am ambushed by those feelings again? Do I just cry?
Will said date understand or will he get jealous of my love for a
deceased husband? This is all so confusing! I just want my old life
back, my old husband back.
Tuesday, Apr 24, I struggled with the lawnmower.
Wednesday, Apr 25, I had an appointment that morning, dance lessons at 2, orthodontist at 3, guitar lessons at 5, and church at 6. Church had a special guest that night so I came on home.
Thursday, April 26, I went to volunteer for the first time. On the way, I had another flashback. This time, I was back at your hospital bed. Usually, when I have this flashback, it's the same scenario over and over, but I'm asking the nurse different questions each time. Questions that I never actually asked, but I have thought of since then. I never believed that flashbacks were a real thing, until now. In my mind, I really am back by your side. Then, it's gone and I'm back in real time. I put some time in at Hope House (the Pregnancy Crisis Center). I didn't do much. Just made some copies on a copy machine and helped in the warehouse. I look forward to going back next week.
Friday, April 27, I saw the counselor today. Told him about the flashbacks. He says it's just my brain still processing the trauma. I asked if I have PTSD. He said no, but said I do have some Post Traumatic Stress. But not a disorder that needs treatment. He gave me more tips to help with coping and I left the session on a positive note.
Tonight, it's just me and M1. We're about to go over to the Highland Road Observatory to look at the stars. Tomorrow, she has piano rally. Blaine and sons are supposed to come over around 2 to help with sorting out all this sheet metal stuff for a more accurate count. There's a guy in Marksville who wants it and has offered $1500 for the whole shebang. But I want to be fair to the guy. So, I want to give him an accurate count and then a counter offer. I'm strapped for the cash right now but want to be fair. I wish you were here.
Love and Miss you more than I could ever imagine.
Me.
Tuesday, Apr 24, I struggled with the lawnmower.
Wednesday, Apr 25, I had an appointment that morning, dance lessons at 2, orthodontist at 3, guitar lessons at 5, and church at 6. Church had a special guest that night so I came on home.
Thursday, April 26, I went to volunteer for the first time. On the way, I had another flashback. This time, I was back at your hospital bed. Usually, when I have this flashback, it's the same scenario over and over, but I'm asking the nurse different questions each time. Questions that I never actually asked, but I have thought of since then. I never believed that flashbacks were a real thing, until now. In my mind, I really am back by your side. Then, it's gone and I'm back in real time. I put some time in at Hope House (the Pregnancy Crisis Center). I didn't do much. Just made some copies on a copy machine and helped in the warehouse. I look forward to going back next week.
Friday, April 27, I saw the counselor today. Told him about the flashbacks. He says it's just my brain still processing the trauma. I asked if I have PTSD. He said no, but said I do have some Post Traumatic Stress. But not a disorder that needs treatment. He gave me more tips to help with coping and I left the session on a positive note.
Tonight, it's just me and M1. We're about to go over to the Highland Road Observatory to look at the stars. Tomorrow, she has piano rally. Blaine and sons are supposed to come over around 2 to help with sorting out all this sheet metal stuff for a more accurate count. There's a guy in Marksville who wants it and has offered $1500 for the whole shebang. But I want to be fair to the guy. So, I want to give him an accurate count and then a counter offer. I'm strapped for the cash right now but want to be fair. I wish you were here.
Love and Miss you more than I could ever imagine.
Me.
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