Hey baby - it's me again. Sorry to be such a pest. I just want to share with you a few things about the past 3 months. I guess the main thing I want to talk about tonight is the loneliness. Even with the girls here, I am lonely. I miss YOU. I miss your overly loud sneezes. I miss your snoring. I miss your essence. I miss your smell. I miss having your big strong arms around me. I wish I could effectively convey just what it is that I miss about you.
I miss our pillow talks. The way we were just lay there, neither of us sleeping, and talking about absolutely nothing important. What a waste of time that was. We should have been talking about important things such as eternity and life insurance. What am I supposed to do with all of your belongings? How do you want it distributed? Mostly, how do I live without you? How am I supposed to learn to love again? Or AM I? Should I? Why ever would I? Do you want me to?
I'm so lonesome here without you. I sit among our possessions. Half of it is just junk and dust catchers that need to be culled. But all of it has a memory attached. Everything I touch here has a memory attached. I wish I could just hop in the truck and run away. Travel the country. See all the things we were supposed to see together. I can't though. I have to take care of the girls. I have responsibility to them but I don't want to do this alone! I know I'm supposed to be a stable adult and take care of them, keep them safe. BUT I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ALONE!
My thoughts are random and all over the place. They have been for the past 3 months. My brain has been, as you would so often say, like a BB in a boxcar. Bouncing from thought to thought, subject to subject. I can't focus on one thing anymore. I have very long conversations with people because I bounce so much! I swear I have become ADD in a bad way. The doctor put me on a medicine that is supposed to help with my panic attacks, and it seems that a side affect is to help me focus better. It also makes me very sleepy which I guess is good considering I haven't been sleeping much. I sleep only when my eyes cannot stay open anymore and get up when they first pop open. I don't lay in bed anymore like I used to. On average, I'm getting about 5 hours of sleep per night with a 1/2 hour cat nap during the day. I don't like sleeping in our bed without you there. It's too big.
This weekend is the 12th week that you've been gone. Almost 3 months. I would call it 3 months because 12 divided by 4 weeks is, well, 3. Right? But the actual monthiversary is next weekend, the 13th week since you died. The number 12 reminds me of that old Johnny Mathis song, "The 12th of Never".
I miss you tremendously my Love. I wish I could see you once more. Heck, I wish I could just DREAM about you in my sleep but you never show up! Maybe I'm thinking about you too much for that. I'll love you, until the 12th of Never, and that's a Long, Long Time.
I miss you so much.
Me
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